Frustrated with my other half, I just can’t get him to understand the risks

[MrockStar]

I so agree. My folks had a cottage in Charlevoix once you get past Birch Run there is an abundance of land and trees.

I feel like this virus is the mystery monster that no one can figure out how to contain. I just worry that after this is contained life will never quite be the same

Right its going to be different for sure.

 

[Brett]

Another suggestion can you build a raise bed to plant some flower or vegetables???
You can even ask your DH to take you to Lowes to select the lumber, the soil and the plants.

that's what I did - tomato plants at Lowe's

 

[Panina]

So I have a very wise great friend who is a tugger too that reached out to me privately.

She is very insightful about my situation and she has been a friend for awhile. This did not only have to do with the virus it had to do with the move too. He never wanted to move. Being in a new place and limitations has gotten to him. He seeks having control of anything in my opinion.

We spoke today. He is unhappy. It took him awhile to understand why I am so upset. He doesn't even remember what he said. He sees the risk as longer term then short term. Doesn’t see us going to the NJ shore home this summer. He even questions if we will go to Florida November, December.

He sees limitations until there is a vaccine or a medicine that works for the masses when they get sick. He is very aware of what is going on. He still says we need to go out at times for walks, food and hardware to get things to do for sanity. Big change when he goes out is how and where he puts mail, washes up, take clothes off, etc. He still thinks I am overdoing but will do it.

The reason he got so many bananas is because shelves were empty. He was actually looking for milk, meat, chicken, etc and no store had the items he wanted. He said all the dairy, meats, paper good and frozen food aisles were empty. He finally found the items today early this morning after going to 4 groceries. He had to go into N.C. to find them, He purchased quite a bit saying this way we will have for the week or more and I don’t have to go again.

Is this a perfect resolution no but at least we are communicating. I have my issues and he has his.

Thank you everyone for you perspectives on the situation. Many of you made me think how I am reacting too.

 

[Sugarcubesea]

Thank you for all your support. Just having you all to vent to helps. I don’t feel alone. I know I cannot be the only one, just the one who is exposing myself. I never give up hope. I am taking care of myself now with sleep, eating well and exercising.

You are such a kind hearted person... I think venting really helps because it gets it out of your system and does not allow those pent up feelings to implode. Take good care of yourself.

Now more then ever I really appreciate all of the amazing folks on TUG...

 

[rapmarks]

I wondered if the move had something to do with the situation

 

[Glynda]

We can't spend that money some are so worried about if we are dead! What have we become when Americans are so spoiled and selfish that they can't even weather this for the preservation of life? Imagine if you were living in Italy! Sheesh!

The wait is to decrease the spread. The wait is to allow finding treatments and a vaccine. The wait is so as not to sacrifice human life. I'm ashamed of some of the posts I've read over three message boards on TUG recently and it's better to just stay away from negative vibes.

 

[Rolltydr]

We can't spend that money some are so worried about if we are dead! What have we become when Americans are so spoiled and selfish that they can't even weather this for the preservation of life? Imagine if you were living in Italy! Sheesh!

The wait is to decrease the spread. The wait is to allow finding treatments and a vaccine. The wait is so as not to sacrifice human life. I'm ashamed of some of the posts I've read over three message boards on TUG recently and it's better to just stay away from negative vibes.

Awfully hard for dead people to run businesses and companies, too. It’ll be interesting to see how good the economy will do in that situation.


Harry

 

[elaine]

Panina, it can be very depressing and overwhelming to think long term right now. And, truly, no one knows. Maybe get him (and all of us) to think in small chunks--we're all doing Draconian measures trying to flatten the curve for another week--and likely the week after that. Then we'll re-evaluate. Part of that (IMHO) will be to see how the US healthcare is doing and how many people "got thru it and are OK" and what the mortality rate is with many more tested and are there any therapeutic drug protocols that help.
For us, We've nixed heading to our NC beach home for now. DH is going stir crazy and 100 bags of mulch are rotting in NC. But he knows we have to flatten the curve and going to NC doesn't help it. But, going to NC in later May with social distancing is not off the table yet, nor is early July trip. Maybe it will be, but not yet.

And thanks to all on TUG who listen to our worries, vents, and sometimes rants and give well-grounded advice. It's such a nice place to connect. Maybe we need to rename TUG to "TTITG" "talking thru it together group?" Elaine

 

[Panina]

Panina, it can be very depressing and overwhelming to think long term right now. And, truly, no one knows. Maybe get him (and all of us) to think in small chunks--we're all doing Draconian measures trying to flatten the curve for another week--and likely the week after that. Then we'll re-evaluate. Part of that (IMHO) will be to see how the US healthcare is doing and how many people "got thru it and are OK" and what the mortality rate is with many more tested and are there any therapeutic drug protocols that help.
For us, We've nixed heading to our NC beach home for now. DH is going stir crazy and 100 bags of mulch are rotting in NC. But he knows we have to flatten the curve and going to NC doesn't help it. But, going to NC in later May with social distancing is not off the table yet, nor is early July trip. Maybe it will be, but not yet.

And thanks to all on TUG who listen to our worries, vents, and sometimes rants and give well-grounded advice. It's such a nice place to connect. Maybe we need to rename TUG to "TTITG" "talking thru it together group?" Elaine

He is definitely thinking long term, I am thinking in short spurts. He is definitely a person that always had difficulty staying in. He went out every day for coffee and lunch. He liked going to hardware and car stores also everyday.

This morning I told him he was grumpy, he said this virus is making me be and it won’t change anytime soon. I told him, it is happening to me too. He said I know. Definitely some depression and lack of coping.

Even after all the safety talks when getting the mail he did it all wrong and he got upset when I tried to tell him. I just am being diligent in cleaning up the surfaces that I feel are compromised.

He thinks he is doing it right now, it is better but far from perfect.

 

[elaine]

we don't do anything with mail. we look at it and then throw it away or file and wash hands. Experts say risk is likely millions of time lower than other contact. We do take amazon stuff out of box and then leave in room for 5 days. We also rebag groceries into "safe" bags in garage and then wash hands. We do not wipe down all boxes, but I did spray packaged meat, as others might have picked up and put back down and I think C-19 lasts longer on plastic than cardboard boxes.

 

[geekette]

No special mail handling here, either. I expect the risk to be very very low that my mail carrier is not only infected, but somehow is spilling body fluids on my mail, and that somehow I get the mail while that is still brewing, transfer it to myself. It is long habit to wash my hands after handling paper so it's not much of a difference for me. I pretty much never wipe mail on my face or lick it so I deem my risk to be very very low.

I'm not terribly concerned about surface contact, and mail is the only new thing entering my house. I am 4 rolls from disaster, and my 24 store is not 24 hrs anymore so will likely brave a 9 pm crowd within the next week or so. I am through my frozen and powdered milk, out of yeast for bread, and frozen dough almost used up. I could hoof it to the organic dairy for milk, but, yikes, the price. I have not seen the need to wipe down groceries but haven't brought any home in March. I don't actually think that a sneeze 3 weeks ago on a crate of canned goods puts me in any danger.

I almost always repack meat, anyway, because it is just me, and more needs to be frozen than left in fridge.

 

[easyrider]

The odds of death due to corvid 19 are very small. Something like 1 in 3,000,000. Your odds of winning the lottery are better. Even if you lived in Wuhan your odds of dying from corvid 19 is 1 in 500,000.

In the USA you currently have a 1 in 55,000 chance of catching corvid 19.

The odds are 1 in 5000 you die from the flu. The odds of dying from cancer or heart disease is 1 out of 7. What is really interesting is the chance of getting hit by lightning is 1 in 200,000 and the chance of dying from corvid 19 is 1 in 3,000,000.

Really, the odds of survival are very good regarding c 19. The reaction to this outbreak, seems to me anyway, over the top and irrational.

That being said I will abide by what is asked to contain this.

Bill

 

[bbodb1]

@Panina - I wanted to share some thoughts on moving since you've somewhat touched on that throughout your posts. I believe you are considering the effect of moving (both directly and indirectly) throughout this thread. I'll submit that moves are very complicated and have effects in the very long term on relationships.

Having said that, despite the fact that someone agrees to a move it certainly does not assure there will not be issues (perhaps resentment?) over what is being left behind. I know you are aware of this, and perhaps he even said he would be okay with moving but the question that comes to mind is what did he leave behind? What might he be missing?

I note this because our last move was made for the benefit of my wife (as her side of the family had some major health issues). I agreed to this move, but I wasn't happy about it. To this day, I still wish we had not made this move, but I do assuage the feeling of loss by focusing on the fact we ended up in a better (safer) place economically than we were. We've been able to withstand the economic downturn around 2008 and a job loss via layoff much better where we are now than had we not moved. I guess all of this is to say I've tried to look at the silver lining in the cloud (so to speak) but if was tough - especially in the first few months. Perhaps time will heal this wound in your husband, but perhaps you might identify if something moving related is at the heart of his discontent and try to address it as best you can. Just an idea for your consideration.

 

[Panina]

@Panina - I wanted to share some thoughts on moving since you've somewhat touched on that throughout your posts. I believe you are considering the effect of moving (both directly and indirectly) throughout this thread. I'll submit that moves are very complicated and have effects in the very long term on relationships.

Having said that, despite the fact that someone agrees to a move it certainly does not assure there will not be issues (perhaps resentment?) over what is being left behind. I know you are aware of this, and perhaps he even said he would be okay with moving but the question that comes to mind is what did he leave behind? What might he be missing?

I note this because our last move was made for the benefit of my wife (as her side of the family had some major health issues). I agreed to this move, but I wasn't happy about it. To this day, I still wish we had not made this move, but I do assuage the feeling of loss by focusing on the fact we ended up in a better (safer) place economically than we were. We've been able to withstand the economic downturn around 2008 and a job loss via layoff much better where we are now than had we not moved. I guess all of this is to say I've tried to look at the silver lining in the cloud (so to speak) but if was tough - especially in the first few months. Perhaps time will heal this wound in your husband, but perhaps you might identify if something moving related is at the heart of his discontent and try to address it as best you can. Just an idea for your consideration.

Definitely has to with the move. This virus situation have surfaced the anger he feels as he has mentioned during this crisis he misses the other place and wish we didn’t move.

We are still in the same township just 10 minutes from where we use to live so it is hard for me to comprehend the problem. It probably comes down to he felt he had no choice. We did almost part because of the move.

Unfortunately all the benefits of moving to a 50+ community cannot be experienced by him as everything is shut down following the mandates of the governor and township. So he really cannot live the difference. The virus isolation just makes the situation worse for him.

My concern is now for his mental well being. His anger and depression is real. He is sleeping more and eating less.

Once again he went to the grocery today. There is almost no more space in our refrigerator/freezer and separate freezer. I guess that is what he can control.

I am still experiencing him getting frustrated, angry at times at me everyday because I try to get him to practice safe practices when he gets home.

He did use the sanitizer towelettes I gave him even using one to get in the door but still will not do everything needed once he enters.

 

[geekette]

I'm divorced, no master of human relationships.

But, I'd stop saying anything about safe practices. He's not receptive and could grow quite resentful of your "telling him what to do". Do what you need to do to stay safe, and if it is coming along behind him to sanitize, do it without comment or loud sighing or any of that. Best to do it out of his vision or notice. Don't vocalize criticisms or instructions any longer. he knows, he heard you. Does he not think it's necessary, thinking you are over-reacting? Does he simply not care what happens to him and only taking minor effort towards your peace of mind? Doesn't sound like he is intentionally riling you.

It sounds like your guy is just trying to get through this. It might be easier for both of you if you just let him be. Protect yourself. If he gets sick, suppress any desire to say "I told you so".

Best of all, plan something fun for the both of you to take your minds off all of this. I have no idea what that might be, but we used to take long drives to go see other parts of the state that are simply different from ours. maybe you pack picnic things and pick up some take out and find a lovely park shelter to enjoy nature and enjoy a meal better than normal picnic fare. Be creative, do something Different.

good luck!

 

[am1]

So I have a very wise great friend who is a tugger too that reached out to me privately.

She is very insightful about my situation and she has been a friend for awhile. This did not only have to do with the virus it had to do with the move too. He never wanted to move. Being in a new place and limitations has gotten to him. He seeks having control of anything in my opinion.

We spoke today. He is unhappy. It took him awhile to understand why I am so upset. He doesn't even remember what he said. He sees the risk as longer term then short term. Doesn’t see us going to the NJ shore home this summer. He even questions if we will go to Florida November, December.

He sees limitations until there is a vaccine or a medicine that works for the masses when they get sick. He is very aware of what is going on. He still says we need to go out at times for walks, food and hardware to get things to do for sanity. Big change when he goes out is how and where he puts mail, washes up, take clothes off, etc. He still thinks I am overdoing but will do it.

The reason he got so many bananas is because shelves were empty. He was actually looking for milk, meat, chicken, etc and no store had the items he wanted. He said all the dairy, meats, paper good and frozen food aisles were empty. He finally found the items today early this morning after going to 4 groceries. He had to go into N.C. to find them, He purchased quite a bit saying this way we will have for the week or more and I don’t have to go again.

Is this a perfect resolution no but at least we are communicating. I have my issues and he has his.

Thank you everyone for you perspectives on the situation. Many of you made me think how I am reacting too.

Buying excess is why the shelves are bare.

 

[Panina]

I'm divorced, no master of human relationships.

But, I'd stop saying anything about safe practices. He's not receptive and could grow quite resentful of your "telling him what to do". Do what you need to do to stay safe, and if it is coming along behind him to sanitize, do it without comment or loud sighing or any of that. Best to do it out of his vision or notice. Don't vocalize criticisms or instructions any longer. he knows, he heard you. Does he not think it's necessary, thinking you are over-reacting? Does he simply not care what happens to him and only taking minor effort towards your peace of mind? Doesn't sound like he is intentionally riling you.

It sounds like your guy is just trying to get through this. It might be easier for both of you if you just let him be. Protect yourself. If he gets sick, suppress any desire to say "I told you so".

Best of all, plan something fun for the both of you to take your minds off all of this. I have no idea what that might be, but we used to take long drives to go see other parts of the state that are simply different from ours. maybe you pack picnic things and pick up some take out and find a lovely park shelter to enjoy nature and enjoy a meal better than normal picnic fare. Be creative, do something Different.

good luck!

Good words of wisdom which I will follow. It definitely will be easier on me. Thank you.

 

[VacationForever]

I am sorry to read that the move was not truly a joint decision. Well, neither was ours. I would have stayed in California as my son is there. My husband wanted nothing to do with California. Fortunately for us, we do have better quality of life than where we were in California. I am also fortunate that I can now see that by our moving away, it enables my son to gain independence and actually cares about things - his house, his bills etc. So while I was not totally bought into moving, I can see the positives in the move. If my husband goes before I do, then I will move back to California if I cannot convince my son to move here.

 

[Panina]

I am sorry to read that the move was not truly a joint decision. Well, neither was ours. I would have stayed in California as my son is there. My husband wanted nothing to do with California. Fortunately for us, we do have better quality of life than where we were in California. I am also fortunate that I can now see that by our moving away, it enables my son to gain independence and actually cares about things - his house, his bills etc. So while I was not totally bought into moving, I can see the positives in the move. If my husband goes before I do, then I will move back to California if I cannot convince my son to move here.

Since I met my other half all my decisions were made for his daughter. I have always put the needs of my step daughter and other half first.

I left my home, my friends and moved to a state I knew no one for them. No regrets as I truly believe I was put in his life for the sake of his daughter. She is now a beautiful young lady at 21 that has emerged from the angry little girl who I first met. Her mom used her as pawn/weapon against her father. Being a neutral source she learned to trust me and has told me if it wasn’t for you I would never be where I am.

Maybe I was selfish with the move but I gave everything I had to give to him and his daughter for years and it was and is my time. I have wants and needs too. And he didn’t move across the country like I did. It is just 10 minutes from where we lived.

This had nothing to do with love, sometimes it is not enough. I needed more. He will either adjust or move on which I know can happen.

 

[bbodb1]

Good words of wisdom which I will follow. It definitely will be easier on me. Thank you.

That park I recently asked you about sure looks nice!

 

[b2bailey]

H

Since I met my other half all my decisions were made for his daughter. I have always put the needs of my step daughter and other half first.

I left my home, my friends and moved to a state I knew no one for them. No regrets as I truly believe I was put in his life for the sake of his daughter. She is now a beautiful young lady at 21 that has emerged from the angry little girl who I first met. Her mom used her as pawn/weapon against her father. Being a neutral source she learned to trust me and has told me if it wasn’t for you I would never be where I am.

Maybe I was selfish with the move but I gave everything I had to give to him and his daughter for years and it was and is my time. I have wants and needs too. And he didn’t move across the country like I did. It is just 10 minutes from where we lived.

This had nothing to do with love, sometimes it is not enough. I needed more. He will either adjust or move on which I know can happen.

Mention of your step-daughter reminds me of my step-son. When I married his father, Jordan (age 14) lived with his mother on a Caribbean island. I was told he would come for summer and holidays. 2 summers later, it was time for school to start. Jordan was with us in California and his mother was nowhere to be found. (She later showed up at the in-laws house.) Fast forward to 2014 when Jordan at age 27 is giving his Father's eulogy. The words he shared about his years with us made any and all difficultyes of the past disappear. I knew for sure it had to be 50% of the reason his dad and I were meant to be together.

 

[rapmarks]

I went to Lowe’s today to get batteries for my chirping smoke detector and was shocked at how busy they are

 

[Panina]

I went to Lowe’s today to get batteries for my chirping smoke detector and was shocked at how busy they are

Doesn’t surprise me, one of the few places to go plus many are buying things to do projects. They should do what groceries are doing, limiting how many can enter at a time. I know our Lowe’s still have regular hours, whereas Home Depot is closing at 6pm.

 

[b2bailey]

Doesn’t surprise me, one of the few places to go plus many are buying things to do projects. They should do what groceries are doing, limiting how many can enter at a time. I know our Lowe’s still have regular hours, whereas Home Depot is closing at 6pm.

It would be interesting to know if those two stores saw higher than usual sales for March.

 

[Panina]

So I let go and stopped nagging as it wasn’t working. Today he did not go to any store. He did go to get the mail. I went in the shower. When I got out, the mail and packages were where I asked them to be put. I asked is there anything I need to wipe down? He said I washed my hands, you can wipe down the front door.

We watched The Hustle today, funny, and I didn’t watch the news until this evening. I got real upset tonight seeing how bad things are getting and reading one of our tugger family might have it and the wife of another didn’t feel well.

I went up to my other half’s man cave and was in tears. He said there is not much we can do but to stay in unless we have to go out. He finally got it.