Anyone have a surprise contact from 23 and Me or Ancestry.com DNA test?

[dougp26364]

Privacy is no longer an option given DNA testing. A birth parent can keep his or her family together by either not sleeping around or disclosing what happened to those who matter and working through it. Then they won't be caught down the road having lived a lie.

Well, people make mistakes. I hope you never make a mistake big enough that you’re forced to make a difficult decision. It’s those difficult decisions that you have to live with and could haunt you the rest of your life.
Me? Well I’m the fortunate offspring of one of those difficult decisions. I guess I’m not as hard hearted about the situation. I’m happy for my life. Happy i never had to live in a situation where I would be resented and live as the black sheep of the family. So if they want their privacy, I’ll have the grace to give it to them. They gave me the gift of a great life. It’s the least I can do. OTOH, I’ve put myself out there so I can be found, just in case they’re interested.

 

[easyrider]

I have had a first and second cousins find me. When I was in my 30's, I was interested and responded to these relatives because I was curious. They were looking more for help than for a relationship. It was a bit strange because the first cousins were about 25 years older than me. I had thought they would have been closer to my age. I met an aunt who told us that my father was born last when his farther was in his mid 40's and I was born when my father was in his early 40's while others were born while their parents were as young as 15.

I did help with what was asked of me and we just stop communicating. The person I had developed a relationship with passed away in an airplane crash.

Out of the blue, maybe 5 years ago, I received an email from the University of Moscow Russia from Vitali claiming to be my cousin from Russia. I thought it was a scam but eventually relatives in Kodiak trusted him enough to give him information so we began communicating though email then Facebook then by phone. His great uncle was my Uncle Wally who is the real "Hero of the Snows" of 1926 that inspired movies and books in the 1930's. It sounds like a scam, right ? Vitali was writing a history of the entire family and did send me these documents and his narratives. He also told me that Wally left property along the Cook Inlet for his heirs and told me where. Sounds like another scam. Anyway, all of his information is now on Ansestry dot com. I haven't heard from Vitali since the Ukraine invasion. His writings in Ancestry do tie many people I had heard of together as family.

Bill

 

[moonstone]

This is all so interesting. Nobody in our immediate family has done it, that I know of but our Daughter-in-law's sister did one of them, not sure which, because her DH wanted to find out about his birth father after their daughter was born with some hereditary health issues and she agreed to do it with him. His wife got several hits of family in England which didn't make sense to her or her parents as their family had many generations born and raised in Ontario. After further investigations it was discovered that their uncle (their father's brother, who lives in a Toronto suburb) had a whole other family in England! His job required him to go over there for weeks at a time, several times a year, in the '80's, '90's and 2000's. He was married and had 2 children in Canada and apparently early on in his work travels he met a young woman in England. They eventually got married, even though he was already married in Ontario, and then he had 2 more children with the second wife. He had told that woman that his job required him to travel to Canada for weeks at a time frequently and she seemed ok with it. Our DiL's sister talked to her dad at length about whether they should reveal the news or not before they decided he would confront his brother. The brother admitted everything and asked that they keep the discovery from his Ontario wife. After a while and much thought he decided to tell the British wife as he was due to retire and there wouldn't be a reason, or the funds, to continue to fly back and forth. Of course when that woman found out she was livid and eventually tracked down the Canadian family and now the guy has 2 ex-wives! We keep teasing our DiL that her uncle needs to write a book about his adventures! It could even be a movie!

~Diane

 

[billymach4]

@billymach4 DNA testing is a western thing.

Sort of thought the same thing.

 

[JudyH]

I have a friend who many years ago in high school science had to study blood types. Somehow she learned her blood type and her parents blood types and deducted that her father’s blood type and her blood type made it impossible for him to be her bio father.
She never asked her parents about this. Fast forward 45 years to DNA and someone gave her a certificate for testing. Results came back with at least 15 half siblings. After meeting some of them she learned that the bio father was the MD gyn who donated his sperm “with both the man and woman consenting” to those women who had been unable to conceive with their husbands.

 

[VacationForever]

Privacy is no longer an option given DNA testing. A birth parent can keep his or her family together by either not sleeping around or disclosing what happened to those who matter and working through it. Then they won't be caught down the road having lived a lie.

Hence, no DNA testing for me.

 

[WaikikiFirst]

DNA testing is a western thing

probably even more narrow than that.

 

[Glynda]

Well, people make mistakes. I hope you never make a mistake big enough that you’re forced to make a difficult decision. It’s those difficult decisions that you have to live with and could haunt you the rest of your life.
Me? Well I’m the fortunate offspring of one of those difficult decisions. I guess I’m not as hard hearted about the situation. I’m happy for my life. Happy i never had to live in a situation where I would be resented and live as the black sheep of the family. So if they want their privacy, I’ll have the grace to give it to them. They gave me the gift of a great life. It’s the least I can do. OTOH, I’ve put myself out there so I can be found, just in case they’re interested.

Indeed people make mistakes. But to be haunted for the rest of my life by lying about a mistake I made, or expecting others to cover up for me, would not be a decision I would choose to make. Lies tend to compound and catch up with us. And they aren't healthy for the one lying, those they are keeping the secret from or expecting to keep it for them. I'm not hard hearted about the situation. I'm pragmatic. We have choices and choices have consequences.

I too am happy for my life and was blessed to have been given up for adoption. My birth mother made the right choice for herself and for me. I fared far better than my half-siblings and am still caring for the 102 year old mother who chose me and raised me as her own.

I have known my maternal side birth family for many years and don't feel I am resented or the black sheep of the family though my half sister and I were a surprise to all. I've been able to answer questions they've had for many years.

I am searching for my birth father who is most likely dead by now. For the most part, I am looking for answers within specific communities, DNA genealogy sites, where people have willingly DNA tested or built family trees. If a person should make it clear that they do not want to answer my questions, that's fine. I will not badger them. However, that will not stop me from investigating them. It will not stop my search. Nor will I hide evidence or lie to others who inquire.

I am not the mistake. I did not make a deal. I am not responsible for the lies others told or the deals others made. I am the child who has a right to know.

 

[dougp26364]

Indeed people make mistakes. But to be haunted for the rest of my life by lying about a mistake I made, or expecting others to cover up for me, would not be a decision I would choose to make. Lies tend to compound and catch up with us. And they aren't healthy for the one lying, those they are keeping the secret from or expecting to keep it for them. I'm not hard hearted about the situation. I'm pragmatic. We have choices and choices have consequences.

I too am happy for my life and was blessed to have been given up for adoption. My birth mother made the right choice for herself and for me. I fared far better than my half-siblings and am still caring for the 102 year old mother who chose me and raised me as her own.

I have known my maternal side birth family for many years and don't feel I am resented or the black sheep of the family though my half sister and I were a surprise to all. I've been able to answer questions they've had for many years.

I am searching for my birth father who is most likely dead by now. For the most part, I am looking for answers within specific communities, DNA genealogy sites, where people have willingly DNA tested or built family trees. If a person should make it clear that they do not want to answer my questions, that's fine. I will not badger them. However, that will not stop me from investigating them. It will not stop my search. Nor will I hide evidence or lie to others who inquire.

I am not the mistake. I did not make a deal. I am not responsible for the lies others told or the deals others made. I am the child who has a right to know.

I feel the important statement is “I would choose to make”. My values and those of my birth family may differ greatly. While I would choose a different path, I try not to impose my values and beliefs on others. Especially since I don’t know the circumstances or what may have been at stake all those years ago.

On one hand I feel privacy laws are a necessary evil to protect identities of those who prefer to remain in the dark. I feel they also protect the adoptee from the few who might feel they made a mistake and attempt to interfere in the lives of the adopted child’s new family. There are just enough crazy people,out there who do not think rationally. Yes, the privacy laws have frustrated me at times, but I understand their importance and reasons they protect more than privacy. There’s a reason those laws are on the books and it goes further than to inconvenience those of us who are adopted or than to protect those who have chosen to lie about their indiscretions or past mistakes. Those laws protect the children of adoption as well as the families who gave the children up for adoption. They are IMHO a necessary evil, even if they have frustrated both myself in looking for my birth family as well as my wife looking for her own family history.

 

[dougp26364]

Hence, no DNA testing for me.

I was relieved to discover I had no additional ex-wives past the one I knew about.

 

[tombanjo]

Societal pressure and shaming women meant unwanted pregnancies had to be hidden. The fact that now people are more understanding of single mothers or adoption as a out in the open option mean that it does not need to be a secret. Availability of abortion means becoming pregnant does not mean a woman is forced to carry the baby to term.

DNA testing may or may not have an effect of incest. One assumes that there may be some that realize a he said she said argument is a bit moot with DNA and prosecution becomes clearer.

Overall, DNA is important tool that can have negative side effects - but mostly where it uncovers secrets that people might have wanted buried for the wrong reasons. It is difficult to be duplicitous with DNA.

 

[Glynda]

I feel the important statement is “I would choose to make”. My values and those of my birth family may differ greatly. While I would choose a different path, I try not to impose my values and beliefs on others. Especially since I don’t know the circumstances or what may have been at stake all those years ago.

On one hand I feel privacy laws are a necessary evil to protect identities of those who prefer to remain in the dark. I feel they also protect the adoptee from the few who might feel they made a mistake and attempt to interfere in the lives of the adopted child’s new family. There are just enough crazy people,out there who do not think rationally. Yes, the privacy laws have frustrated me at times, but I understand their importance and reasons they protect more than privacy. There’s a reason those laws are on the books and it goes further than to inconvenience those of us who are adopted or than to protect those who have chosen to lie about their indiscretions or past mistakes. Those laws protect the children of adoption as well as the families who gave the children up for adoption. They are IMHO a necessary evil, even if they have frustrated both myself in looking for my birth family as well as my wife looking for her own family history.

I don't put a lot of stock in adoption records or original birth certificates. A birth mother can simply state she doesn't know who the father is or as in my case, my birth mother named her ex-husband as the birth father to the children she gave up. In correspondence with my adopted parents she named the man she apparently thought was my birth father, along with a good bit of information about him. Mine was an open adoption. My birth mother traveled from MA to FL to live with my adoptive parents for three months surrounding my birth. During that time, she and my adopted mother chose my name. My first for my adopted father and my middle for the man she named. Unless the man she named was himself adopted, or taken in and raised as their own, DNA has shown that he is not my birth father.

I believe that adoption records, except in certain criminal or abusive cases, should be open to adult adopted children.

Updated Adoption Laws for All 50 States

 

[VacationForever]

I was relieved to discover I had no additional ex-wives past the one I knew about.

DNA does that no good. Now, unknown children is another story.

 

[rickandcindy23]

My uncle's wife, who was adopted as a newborn, experienced some revelations when her daughter, my cousin, found a first cousin through a DNA test. She found out her full sister lived about two blocks from her growing up. They look so much alike that I am surprised she didn't notice her sister in the neighborhood. My aunt was adopted by a very well-off family, while her sister lived the opposite life a few blocks away. She is now best friends with her sister. Their sons look like brothers.

The family couldn't afford to keep more kids and put two up for adoption. This was 1952.

 

[clifffaith]

This is all so interesting. Nobody in our immediate family has done it, that I know of but our Daughter-in-law's sister did one of them, not sure which, because her DH wanted to find out about his birth father after their daughter was born with some hereditary health issues and she agreed to do it with him. His wife got several hits of family in England which didn't make sense to her or her parents as their family had many generations born and raised in Ontario. After further investigations it was discovered that their uncle (their father's brother, who lives in a Toronto suburb) had a whole other family in England! His job required him to go over there for weeks at a time, several times a year, in the '80's, '90's and 2000's. He was married and had 2 children in Canada and apparently early on in his work travels he met a young woman in England. They eventually got married, even though he was already married in Ontario, and then he had 2 more children with the second wife. He had told that woman that his job required him to travel to Canada for weeks at a time frequently and she seemed ok with it. Our DiL's sister talked to her dad at length about whether they should reveal the news or not before they decided he would confront his brother. The brother admitted everything and asked that they keep the discovery from his Ontario wife. After a while and much thought he decided to tell the British wife as he was due to retire and there wouldn't be a reason, or the funds, to continue to fly back and forth. Of course when that woman found out she was livid and eventually tracked down the Canadian family and now the guy has 2 ex-wives! We keep teasing our DiL that her uncle needs to write a book about his adventures! It could even be a movie!

~Diane

Mom and dad used to play bridge with neighbors. When Elena was in her early forties, her father died outside the home and surprise surprise her mother and another woman both showed up at the hospital/funeral home (I don’t recall which) to make arrangements. The father had one family with kids in their forties, and one with kids in their late teens. The families lived the next town over from one another, so within a few miles. He traveled a lot to South America for his business, so was mostly gone from both families. Makes me wonder if there was another family or two in a foreign country. There was enough of a brouhaha over the estate that it made the LA Times 50+ years ago.

 

[WaikikiFirst]

OMG, the stories ...
Wastin' away again in DNA-ville, searchin' for my lost sister or bro. Some people claim intimacy is to blame, but I know, it's nobody's fault.
Don't know the reason. Plenty of pleasin. Nothing to show but emails from you and you.
They say she was a real beauty. Definite cutie. Got to do with me? I haven't a clue.

 

[rickandcindy23]

OMG, the stories ...
Wastin' away again in DNA-ville, searchin' for my lost sister or bro. Some people claim intimacy is to blame, but I know, it's nobody's fault.
Don't know the reason. Plenty of pleasin. Nothing to show but emails from you and you.
They say she was a real beauty. Definite cutie. Got to do with me? I haven't a clue.

You can ignore this thread. Obviously, your family has no DNA secrets.

 

[ScoopKona]

wait, wait, wait, they do this? Well, my interest in any of those services just went from zero to deeply negative.
Is it optional to let them send your name around if you pay for the test?

No.

Here's the best part -- your upstream and downstream relatives can wreck your privacy without your knowledge or consent. On one hand, it's great that old rape cases are finally being solved. (And sayonara to those guys.) On the other hand, the fifth amendment may as well no longer exist. And we have a SCOTUS which doesn't much care.

 

[1Kflyerguy]

Just rechecked my account, one new unknown relative, a 2nd cousin on the other coast... Not really surprised, and does not change anything for me.

 

[rickandcindy23]

No.

Here's the best part -- your upstream and downstream relatives can wreck your privacy without your knowledge or consent. On one hand, it's great that old rape cases are finally being solved. (And sayonara to those guys.) On the other hand, the fifth amendment may as well no longer exist. And we have a SCOTUS which doesn't much care.

You cannot have the rape cases getting solved AND protect your rights. Both cannot happen.

Our rights were given away after 9/11. We are listened to, emails read (by computers looking for info), we are scanned and felt up at the airports across this country, all with our consent.

You are delusional, if you think this DNA matching is the end to something that was lost long ago.

 

[VacationForever]

You can ignore this thread. Obviously, your family has no DNA secrets.

I do KNOW there are cobwebs on my paternal side but in no way that I want to wake the sleeping giant. None of us as far as I know, has done DNA testing, so life is simple and good. No illegitimate children, so that is not an issue.

 

[tombanjo]

The killers (or rapists. other criminals) caught with DNA are not because of a perfect match on Ancestry or 23and me, but as a result of close matches and genealogy to identify a suspect, whose DNA was captured by following them around and picking up cigarette butts, etc. The DNA from the crime scene is a just a beginning. It is relatives DNA that provides the clue to solving the case, with Genealogy

 

[rickandcindy23]

I do KNOW there are cobwebs in my paternal side but in no way that I want to wake the sleeping giant. None of us as far as I know, has done DNA testing, so life is simple and good. No illegitimate children, so that is not an issue.

I wasn't illegitimate, my parents were married, and my mom was very young, and my father was also young. They were all farmers. Back in late 1950's, men seemed to walk out on their kids without paying child support. My mom remarried and he voluntarily gave up his rights as a father. My dad was the only dad I knew after the age of four.

I do have vague memories of my father, and there was a time he came to our house and brought me some toys, which was probably just before the adoption was final. I just remembered a nice man and then put it together a few years later, when my grandma invited my paternal grandmother to the farm for a visit to see me. My aunt was 2.5 years older than me, and so she was 11 and much wiser in the ways of the world (we laugh a lot about how she is so much older!). She told me that was my grandmother visiting and that my dad I knew as Dad adopted me. She told me my real father's name and my grandmother's name. Messed with my head. My mom was angry at my grandma. I think my grandma did the right thing.

 

[SmithOp]

I think I've shared here before that my family emigrated to US from England in 1965, chain migration from my maternal grandmother's family. My mother's brother came in the 50s and sponsored us in 65. I've traced ship arrival at Ellis Island of the original family in 1913. Immigrants were put on transport West and settled where they were put off the train, in my case Springfield Ohio.

I did Ancestry DNA and as expected 65% from the area where I was born with a little Irish and Scandinavian (Viking raids).

Through Ancestry I had contact from a woman in Oregon, it turned out a distant cousin in Ohio got pregnant at 16 and was sent to a home to have the baby that was immediately put up for adoption. In those days it was still considered immoral to have a baby out of wedlock. She was the adopted baby.

Through Ancestry family tree I've also discovered twins born out of wedlock in England that were adopted within the family. I also have brothers in one side that married sisters in the other side, so double cousins.

Ancestry can unearth all kinds of family buried secrets.

 

[Glynda]

OMG, the stories ...
Wastin' away again in DNA-ville, searchin' for my lost sister or bro. Some people claim intimacy is to blame, but I know, it's nobody's fault.
Don't know the reason. Plenty of pleasin. Nothing to show but emails from you and you.
They say she was a real beauty. Definite cutie. Got to do with me? I haven't a clue.

Then don't click on this thread. That's simple enough.