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Stay At Home Humor

T_R_Oglodyte

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A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

The old monk sobs, "The word is celebrate."
 

T_R_Oglodyte

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Apple's stock price soars with announcement of breakthrough product

Continuing it's long history of outside the box product innovations, Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

In the tech world this is huge. This is the first practical product that addresses the problem of men staring at womens' breasts but not listening to them..
 

T_R_Oglodyte

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Continuing through an old folder I found .... This one is a tad risque

*******************

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36. Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
 

T_R_Oglodyte

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There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is perfect.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. 15% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

3. The remaining 70% say they don't care; they love him, he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.
 

T_R_Oglodyte

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The Swedish police were looking for a criminal whom they believed had fled to Norway. So they sent a message to their Norwegian colleagues, demanding he be arrested and extradited back to Sweden to face justice. They included mugshots of the man, taken from the left, the right, and face on.

After a week or so, they followed up with the Oslo police to see how the hunt was progressing. The Oslo police proudly reported that they had arrested the man to the left, and the man in the middle, and they expected to have the man in the right in custody in a few more days.

********

Re the above. I come from a culture whose greatest contribution to world cuisine is Swedish meatballs. But the members of that culture don't realize even that; they think their greatest contribution is pickled herring!

This is the culture that believes that Max van Sydow and Liv Ullman would have been much more popular if they had better controlled their impulses to overact, and that being directed by that crazy and wild man Ingmar Bergman didn't help matters.

When that is your background, you take your humor wherever you can find it. And, as dense as we are, we still have enough sense to realize that lutefisk is something that only Norwegians get excited about.

****************

OK, I admit. That was a cheap shot. I grew up in an integrated community, where almost all Lutheran churches didn't make any distinction between Snooses and Norgies, and schools were fully integrated. L:ittle League, Pop Warner and Boy Scouts made no distinctions, and we ignored it when people still ended their last names in -sen instead of -son.

So I know the Norwegians are very clever people. After all, after Sir Thomas Crapper invented the modern flush toilet, the Norwegians improved it greatly by adding a seat. Of course, it was the Swedes who immediately realized the seat would work better if it had a hole in it.
 
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T_R_Oglodyte

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Question: How many Detroit Lions does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: No one knows, but 40,000 fans will show up every Sunday to see if the team will finally figure out how to turn things around.
 

T_R_Oglodyte

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And one final one before I go to bed .....

**************

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.
 

DaveNV

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Quarantine Science Lesson

frog.jpg


:ROFLMAO: Dave
 

DaveNV

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Quarantine English Lessons

slang.jpg


:ROFLMAO: Dave
 

Ralph Sir Edward

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THIS IS A TRUE STORY - but go ahead and laugh. . . .

I just brought in the mail today:

3 Dividend checks for me
1 magazine for me
2 stock order executions for me

1 dividend check for my brother

and. . .

One invite to go see an orthopedic practice for pain control. . .

For my father. . .

Who never lived at my address -
Never lived in my town -
and who has been dead for 24 YEARS!!!!!

GOTTA LOVE THOSE PEOPLE WHO MAKE UP MAILING LISTS. . . .
 

DaveNV

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THIS IS A TRUE STORY - but go ahead and laugh. . . .

One invite to go see an orthopedic practice for pain control. . .

For my father. . .

Who never lived at my address -
Never lived in my town -
and who has been dead for 24 YEARS!!!!!

GOTTA LOVE THOSE PEOPLE WHO MAKE UP MAILING LISTS. . . .
I had this exact thing happen to me after my parents had both passed. The kicker was when I got a phone call, a very businesslike man's voice, asking to speak with my stepmother. She had never lived in my house, or had my phone number. She hadn't even lived in my state. I explained to the caller that she wasn't available, and asked the nature of the call. The man said he was calling from Omaha Steaks, and he was following up on her call of the previous week. He said she'd wanted to place an order.

"Oh really?" I said. "That must have been a very interesting call, considering she's been dead for five years!"

And just like that, the line went dead. He hung up on me. He didn't even have the guts to excuse himself, or apologize for his blatant lie. I laughed about it for awhile, and then called the phone company and had the landline disconnected. :)

Dave
 

T_R_Oglodyte

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You know what's really uncomfortable?
Pants.
But I still wear them in public.
Not for me. For others.


#WearTheDamnMask
For me it's shoes.
 

Talent312

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Passepartout

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