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Stay At Home Humor

DaveNV

TUG Review Crew: Expert
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Quarantine Public Service.

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:ROFLMAO: Dave
 

DaveNV

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More Quarantine Dad Humor.

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:ROFLMAO: Dave
 
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T_R_Oglodyte

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Deep Thoughts:
  • If Jesus was Jewish, why did he have a Mexican name?
  • Some people are like Slinkies. They don't have any purpose except to bring a smile to other people when they're pushed down the stairs.
  • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
  • It could be that the purpose of your life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  • Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it isn't incredibly stupid.
  • If you require additional admiration, get a puppy.
  • Never stop trying to exceed your limits. Other people need entertainment.
  • If your family and friends have come to accept you as you are, don't think they've abandoned hope that someday you might amount to something.
  • Perseverance is the dogged insistence in carrying on when it's obvious that you should give up and do something that might actually work.
  • Mediocrity takes a lot less time, and most people won't notice the difference until it's too late.
  • Those who say "It cannot be done" shouldn't interrupt the people who are proving them right.
  • Never underestimate the power of large groups of stupid people.
  • After you're dead, people won't care how much money was in your bank account, what kind of house you lived in, or the kind of car you drove. But if you do something incredibly stupid, your ruins could become a tourist attraction for generations to come.
  • Minds are like parachutes. Just because you've lost yours, it doesn't mean I should share mine.
  • Hard work often pays off in time, but procrastination always pays off now.
 

DaveNV

TUG Review Crew: Expert
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Resorts Owned
WorldMark
And Even More Quarantine Dad Humor.

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:ROFLMAO: Dave
 

Talent312

Tug Review Crew: Rookie
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Have we been reduced to Alexa-jokes?

"Why does Waldo always wear stripes?"
"Because he doesn't want to be spotted."
 

T_R_Oglodyte

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Music always evolves, as it should, but the classics live forever.


 

T_R_Oglodyte

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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00. I got my test results and I'm COVID-free. But there's one condition.'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

She considered his proposition, and as she did her face and neck began to redden and flush. She slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse. She gazed at him intently, as she took his hand in hers. She pressed the money into the man's hand.

Keeping her eyes locked on his, she pulled him in close to her with one hand while she lowered her face mask with the other. As his face neared hers she turned his head and cocked hers, bringing her lips right next his ear. She pursed her lips and blew gently, and he quivered. Finally, moving in even closer, in a soft and husky voice she said .... "Clean my house."
 

T_R_Oglodyte

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The story of Sam, the Colon Cleanse Salesman

Sam, was a Colon Cleanse salesperson. Not just a sales person but a zealot. He had been colon-cleansed, and was completely converted. And he thought that becoming a Colon Cleanse sales person was the ideal job for him, because his enthusiasm would simply sell the product and he could testify personally to the benefits. But, alas, many people just weren't that interested in his message, and his non-stop extolling of the virtues of Colon Cleanse had exhausted all traces of goodwill with his family, friends, and acquaintances. They were so sick of him and his Colon Cleanse messages and proselytizing that Sam knew it was best that he get away and start over.

At first Sam couldn't decide where he should relocate because he knew that no matter where he went people might be tired of hearing about Colon Cleanse. Finally it came to him - the place for him was the middle of the Amazon rain forest, where the indigenous people had no phones, no computers, no internet, and no television or radio, and thus had never heard of the wonders of Colon Cleanse.

So Sam packed up his clothes, his marketing materials, and his samples and moved to a remote village in the depths of the Amazon that seldom had any contact with outsiders. To Sam's amazement, though, he found that some of the people in the village spoke a bit of English. So Sam went right to work, touting the benefits of Colon Cleanse to anyone who would listen (and quite a few who didn’t).

After three days, the villagers had enough. One of the village elders who spoke English told Sam to come with him; they were going to take a little walk in the jungle. Suspecting that the villagers were fed up with him and knowing the villagers’ main source of business with the outside world was sales of shrunken heads, Sam was fearful of what was going to happen. But figuring that he didn't have any choice, Sam reluctantly accompanied the man.

They journeyed deep into the jungle, across rivers and through mosquito infested swamps. Further and further they went, away from all traces of civilization. Sam's fears were growing deeper with each step.

Finally they reached a grotto in the jungle that was overgrown with the largest lushest ferns Sam had ever seen. The elder pushed apart some of the ferns near the entrance to the cave and retrieved a large vessel that had been stashed in the vines near cave entrance. The elder led Sam into the grotto and ordered Sam to fill the vessel with water from a pond in the floor of the grotto. As Sam filled the vessel, the elder broke off some of the fern leaves, scraped the spores off the bottoms of the leaves, and ground the spores into a paste. Then he told Sam to eat the paste.

The paste was vile and foul; it was all Sam could do to keep it in his mouth. But he chewed and swallowed anyway. About ten minutes after swallowing the paste, Sam felt as if all of the fluids were being drawn out of his body. He grabbed the vessel and drank and drank and drank. He would never have thought it humanly possible to drink as much water as he drank.

Suddenly Sam felt as if his abdomen was about to explode. He stumbled to the front of the cave, dropped his pants right there in the ferns, and squatted. And squatted. And squatted. His intestines gushed, poured, drained, guzzled, and gurgled. It continued for almost an hour, non-stop.

When the agony was over, Sam collapsed onto his side. While his insides ached, Sam suddenly realized that his entire body had been purged of all traces of all toxins that had accumulated in his body throughout the many years he had lived in "civilization". He had never really felt purer or healthier in his life than he did at that moment.

Sam rolled over and looked at the ferns hanging over the front of the cave. Suddenly, in a moment of complete and total clarity, he realized that with fronds like these, who needs enemas?
 
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