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Stay At Home Humor
- Thread starter Ken555
- Start date
PrairieGirl
TUG Member
T_R_Oglodyte
TUG Lifetime Member
So what's the opposite of Peony??
- Joined
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Thanks! I wish I'd written most of them. I didn't. But happily, I swipe them from elsewhere to share here. My goal is to help lighten the stress of everyday, and give people a reason to smile. Hope it's working!
Dave
Tank
TUG Member
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2014
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-
HICV South Beach Myrtle Beach
HICV Lake Geneva
HICV Gatlinburg
HICV Orange Lake Kissemee
Tank
TUG Member
- Joined
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- Location
- Northern Ohio
- Resorts Owned
-
HICV South Beach Myrtle Beach
HICV Lake Geneva
HICV Gatlinburg
HICV Orange Lake Kissemee
- Joined
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- Location
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- Resorts Owned
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Dave
- Joined
- Jun 1, 2006
- Messages
- 22,419
- Reaction score
- 30,368
- Location
- Mesquite, Nevada
- Resorts Owned
- Free Agent
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control
and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused
I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new
convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage
to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of
the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that
nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have
any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and
weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple
of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better,
but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse, exposing
the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't
know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
************************************
Dave
T_R_Oglodyte
TUG Lifetime Member
- Joined
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- Location
- Mesquite, Nevada
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This is an exhausting read - I'm sore and tired, but still laughing. Have a seat, and enjoy.
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
Snakes, also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis), can be dangerous. Yes, grass and garter snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why:
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint, and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake! The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out.)
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
**********************************
Dave
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
Snakes, also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis), can be dangerous. Yes, grass and garter snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why:
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint, and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake! The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out.)
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
**********************************
Dave
- Joined
- Jun 1, 2006
- Messages
- 22,419
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- 30,368
- Location
- Mesquite, Nevada
- Resorts Owned
- Free Agent
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut in half, placing one
half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles
and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink,
his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began
to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking
over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple-all they can afford is
one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely
offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were
just fine-they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink...
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal
for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing
everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin,
the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a
single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered, "The teeth."
**********************
Dave
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut in half, placing one
half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles
and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink,
his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began
to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking
over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple-all they can afford is
one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely
offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were
just fine-they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink...
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal
for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing
everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin,
the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a
single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered, "The teeth."
**********************
Dave
Last edited:
- Joined
- Jun 1, 2006
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- 22,419
- Reaction score
- 30,368
- Location
- Mesquite, Nevada
- Resorts Owned
- Free Agent
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "Look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand, old man?!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs...
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
**************************************
Dave
The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "Look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand, old man?!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs...
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
**************************************
Dave