When the household comander in chief calls its quits

[geist1223]

I will be honest Patti does 80% to 90% of the Cooking. I do the clean up. She dusts. I vacuum. She does about 90% of the Laundry. I do 90% of the yard work. Bathrooms get split. I ask her where she wants to go. I make it happen. Currently we are on a 3 week trip Down Under - 2 weeks Tasmania and 1 week Melbourne.

 

[geekette]

I think it's about being honest and being intentional, and recognizing each other's skill sets. And being completely transparent about both the labor and the management that has to happen to keep the household running.

And, of course, the gender-based way that household labor has traditionally been dished out is totally a social construct. And one that all the research points out we have in no way really made any dent in changing in a systemic way.

I can't get onboard with the skill set part. I have run across the "I don't know how" before, as cop out. Also "you do it better" as a ploy to get me to do it and his never have to. I was not born with a dustmop, it came with no operating instructions. everything I can do today, I learned. If I run across that again, I'll appeal to ego - your arms are so much stronger and longer, it's just easier for you to scrub the bottom of the tub... and involving power tools wherever possible.

I am not a stickler, there is no nagging about how the job is done. Believe me on that, I suffered many cracked dishes once I married someone that wanted nothing to do with cooking but would wash every dish. I decided that chips and cracks weren't a big enough deal to me, I valued the dishwashing over the items. I don't think I ever said anything about it. I did ask why he only vacuumed the rug in the living room, did nothing with the hardwoods. Oh, he can't See the dirt? fine, turn the vacuum on and listen to the dirt coming in. problem solved!

Preferences? fine, I can roll with that. But not skill set. the business of living is for everyone to attend to. An adult saying "I don't know how" is going to get a lesson.

 

[geekette]

.....Can you give up control or live with a task that isn't done to your standards? ...

I have to ask, do people really have an issue with this?? It's so far from my personality that it's hard to conceive of.

No no, you wiped the counter wrong! really?

I was never the housebound cleaner, have lived by myself plenty. But never have I stopped a man from doing a chore because he didn't do it how I would.

 

[Timeshare Von]

We're a few years away from (my) retirement. Since my husband hasn't worked out of the home since we got married in 2002, the division of household labor has always been around 90/10 with him doing the majority of the real "chores" like cooking, cleaning & laundry. It has become as much about my physical abilities as anything, plus the hours I work outside of the home. With allergies & asthma, the cleaning is problematic for me . . . and with a steep staircase to the laundry in the basement, my gimpy knees aren't having any part of it (especially carrying a laundry basket). And the cooking . . . since I don't get home from work until around 6pm, and sometimes later, it's more a matter of logistics plus he actually loves cooking. And since he is our household chef, he does the grocery shopping too. My DH is also great with the outside of the house, including snow blowing & mowing . . . plus poo detail for the two dogs. Speaking of the dogs, he takes them for their vet appointments when reminded by our great vet via postcard appointment reminders.

In the home, I am responsible for the financial aspects of running the family budget and long-range financial planning (so I can retire in 2024). I make sure all of the bills are paid, and money gets moved to the appropriate accounts. I am also responsible for making doctors' appointments, getting Rx's refilled and stuff like that.

For us it works. I'm sure when I retire and we're moved into a single level home, I will return to doing the laundry as I really used to like doing it. (I still fold and put away, after he brings up the clean stuff from downstairs.)

 

[funtime]

Reading thru all the posts I wanted to comment that there is a better solution for incontinent elderly sleepers than changing sheets twice a day. Much too much work! I took care of my mother who lived to 102. She slept in a recliner that we lined with two towels. So much easier to toss towels in the washing machine. Did a load of laundry every morning. She also wore pads in her underwear (not full diapers, just pads). They got tossed every day into the trash. Then the ultimate toss was the recliner after she passed away. The only improvement on this solution is to get a recliner with a power lift for ease in getting up.

 

[VacationForever]

The post about skill vs. preference. I do many of the tasks which are usually done by a male when a male is present in the household: I smoke and bbq, I kill bugs, I do yard and pool work. I cannot lift super heavy stuff, and that's when my husband gets involved. He cannot deal with bugs. He cleans the wood pellet grill which I really appreciate. I can do it but I prefer not to. I think cooking is fun, cleaning up is not. I cook and he cleans. We are both happy.

 

[Quiet Pine]

She is ... a very detailed person. She is a Virgo Lady.

I don't believe in astrology, but this does describe me and I am a Virgo. I do most of the planning/organizing, but we split many things. 40+ years ago we split finances/bill-paying. Later, I asked for help & he took over half the cooking/menus/shopping. We alternate months. (He's a grad of Cornell Hotel School, so that was a natural.) I do laundry, but he's responsible for sorting his clothes & putting them away when done. To avoid bitter resentment on my part, a cleaning lady comes twice a month. And I admit that I love planning/organizing and I allow it to entangle me.

 

[bluehende]

My wife worked from the beginning of our marriage. Because of this and the fact I knew how to cook and she didn't the normal gender roles were never adhered to. Other than cooking ( I do about 99.9 %) we share duties with no real formal division of labor. After retiring my wife has taken on a bit more of the duties. The only reason for this is she cann't sit still while I can veg for a long time.

 

[stmartinfan]

Shortly after our marriage nearly 49 years ago, I had a melt down moment after cooking dinner and having my husband leave me in the kitchen with the dishes while he went to turn the TV on. (He'd grown up with 4 brothers and a mother who handled all the housework and cooking.). My statement: I am not your servant—said loudly, angrily and in voice that said things will be changing! It was the beginning of the women's rights era and, even though things were still far from equal in the workplace, I knew I wanted a career and an partner who shared responsibilities in the home.

That started the process where we have negotiated sharing work and responsibility and managed to make it work for us both, even as we added 2 kids, worked long, stressful jobs and survived his heavy work travel.

We share most major tasks like cooking, cleaning, household management, while “owning” some others, if one of us has a special skill or prefers to do it (like me and laundry). If either of us feels that other is not sharing the burden equally, we're not afraid to ask for help (and in a more pleasant tone than my first ultimatum). I can only think of a handful of times that I've felt resentful about having to handle more than my share, and I suspect that's why we're still married!

 

[susieq]

Shortly after our marriage nearly 49 years ago, I had a melt down moment after cooking dinner and having my husband leave me in the kitchen with the dishes while he went to turn the TV on. (He'd grown up with 4 brothers and a mother who handled all the housework and cooking.). My statement: I am not your servant—said loudly, angrily and in voice that said things will be changing! It was the beginning of the women's rights era and, even though things were still far from equal in the workplace, I knew I wanted a career and an partner who shared responsibilities in the home. .....

LOL!! Had to laugh at this.............. When our kids were young, 1, 3, & 5, I was so tired of my husband asking me everyday just before he left for work, "so what're your plans today??? While you're home, (translation: while you're watching soap operas & eating bonbons...........), you can call here and do this.............". I was so tired of any of my responses falling on deaf ears................. one day I just let him say his piece and go to work. That day I took care of me and the kids, everyone was bathed dressed & fed. No dishes were done, no housecleaning was done, and no beds were made. More importantly, toys were left where they lay. When he got home that night, he said OMG what happened??? Looks like a Tornado came through here. I very calmly said, "Remember what I don't do all day?? Well, I didn't do it!!" Took a little, but light finally dawned on Marble head. After that he realized that this is a partnership. We pretty much share responsibilities now. Must've worked ~ we'll celebrate 49 years next week!!

 

[Rolltydr]

Shortly after our marriage nearly 49 years ago, I had a melt down moment after cooking dinner and having my husband leave me in the kitchen with the dishes while he went to turn the TV on. (He'd grown up with 4 brothers and a mother who handled all the housework and cooking.). My statement: I am not your servant—said loudly, angrily and in voice that said things will be changing! It was the beginning of the women's rights era and, even though things were still far from equal in the workplace, I knew I wanted a career and an partner who shared responsibilities in the home.

That started the process where we have negotiated sharing work and responsibility and managed to make it work for us both, even as we added 2 kids, worked long, stressful jobs and survived his heavy work travel.

We share most major tasks like cooking, cleaning, household management, while “owning” some others, if one of us has a special skill or prefers to do it (like me and laundry). If either of us feels that other is not sharing the burden equally, we're not afraid to ask for help (and in a more pleasant tone than my first ultimatum). I can only think of a handful of times that I've felt resentful about having to handle more than my share, and I suspect that's why we're still married!

I thought this was written by my wife, but I did the math and we’ve only been married 47 years. Those early years were interesting. I’d been raised by my mother and grandmother and the only work I ever did around the house was mow the grass. My wife had a very liberated older sister who she adored and was a huge influence on her. Suffice it to say, I had a big learning curve. But, it was all to the good. Our split of household chores evolved over the years into she does most of the cooking and cleaning kitchen, although I usually put up the clean dishes. She does the floors and detail cleaning. She wants most things done a certain way, so she does them. I do the laundry and yardwork, though she helps with landscaping, planting flowers, etc. I handle all the financials and I’m very detailed about that and want it done a certain way, so I do it. Neither one of us likes to be sitting while the other one is working so it comes close to a 50/50 split. And, that is probably the reason we are still married, also!

 

[bogey21]

I may have missed it but didn't see anyone talk about going from 50-50 or thereabouts to 100-0 resulting from either divorce or death. I did it twice, divorce, not death. One time it was simple as it was just me. That resulted in 100-0, The other time a little more complicated as I had my teen age Son and Daughter. In the latter case it kind of worked out as 33-33-33...

George

 

[amycurl]

It may be preference, but I do think it's skill set, too. I have barely washed any dishes in the 25+ years of our relationship (only when he is out of town.) I don't do it well, I don't like it, etc. My spouse has both the disposition and the skill set for it--loading the dishwasher puts into practice all those Tetris skills--and he likes the linear nature of it--dirty, clean, and a clear-cut place to put stuff away.

Sorting through the mail? Kinda stymies him. It's the opposite of the dishes...it needs to be read, processed, thought about, decision made about being actionable (or not,) no neat place to put stuff away. I do the mail processing, because I have both the skill set and the disposition to do so quickly and efficiently--the opposite of me doing the dishing.

While we certainly can do either chore, there is both skill set and disposition involved in deciding who does what most efficiently, effectively, and enjoyably.

So, yes, sometimes, "I don't know how" is a cop out. And sometimes, some of us are truly better at some types of pattern recognition and problem-solving than others.

 

[easyrider]

You might get the wrong idea after reading I'm not allowed to do house hold tasks. The reason I think is I do these tasks too well. When I make a bed you can bounce a coin on it. When I clean things they actually shine if they can shine. Even so, my wife is a better house hold tasker than i.

Bill

 

[VacationForever]

This thread has inspired me to get a housecleaning service and I just called a company who does my neighbors' home and they are coming in next week to give us an estimate. While my husband has been doing toilets, I know he really prefers not to. Life is short, get a company in and we can be free from his toilet cleaning and my house cleaning work. Thank you everyone here on TUG!

 

[JudyH]

It’s better now than the first 40 years. I married a royal Prince who would starve to death next to a full refrigerator. Not that either of his parents could cook. It’s amazing three kids lived to adulthood. Mostly on FrancoAmerican spaghetti and baked potatoes. And they are still skinny adults.
We lived on a farm and my horses were nonstop work. And he worked morethan an hour away and I had 4 part time jobs and two kids and 3-12 horses. Constant work. He did the heavy outside work. I had a cleaning person every other week who often did the laundry too. My lifeline. I did all the grocery shopping and cooking. My DIL now orders groceries online and just picks it up. I would have killed for that.
Now we retired. My son bought the farm. My friend keeps only two horses there and does all the work.
In our small retirement house in FL, someone cuts the grass. DH no longer a drives so I do it all. He miraculously knows how to fold and put away laundry. He does all cars and bills. I plan all details of travel. I do all medical related stuff.
At least once a week I make him decide and do dinner. Frozen or sandwich is fine. I never fix him lunch. For the first time in a long time I have time to play. I play more than him because he can’t drive and won’t Uber. His choice. I do 3 camera clubs and two book clubs. I keep nagging about how he needs to learn to take care of all his needs.

 

[clifffaith]

This thread has inspired me to get a housecleaning service and I just called a company who does my neighbors' home and they are coming in next week to give us an estimate. While my husband has been doing toilets, I know he really prefers not to. Life is short, get a company in and we can be free from his toilet cleaning and my house cleaning work. Thank you everyone here on TUG!

Good luck finding a cleaning service. It turns out in spite of some occasional lapses, my now retired housekeeper of 30 years really spoiled us with her attention to detail. The women I hired in November from a referral on Nextdoor were "fine" the first two months, although I made a list of things that could've been better after their December visit. They couldn't come until mid-January, so I skipped that month, and the one showed up with a different helper yesterday. Beard hair left on the bathroom counter, cat crunchies in the corner of the kitchen. Next! I'm sorry, but I expect more for my $150/4 hours of work. Cliff gives me this "you should work with them and show them what you want". I did the initial meeting, got them to tell me what they wanted that I didn't already have (a long handled Swiffer thing for high cleaning), took them on the house tour showing them where the cleaning supplies were, and then their first actual cleaning day I stayed upstairs so I could show them how to run the washer and could answer questions as they came up. I'll be damned if I show someone how not to leave hair on the counter and food on the floor. "Oh, they just need your guidance..." I haven't routinely cleaned a house since I moved in with Cliff in 1983 -- I expect anyone I hire to be able to do a better job than I can. I'd made some inquiries in January when they had a scheduling conflict, so I'll try the licensed and bonded gal who gets $40/hr with her helper and see how clean her four hours gets me.

 

[VacationForever]

Good luck finding a cleaning service. It turns out in spite of some occasional lapses, my now retired housekeeper of 30 years really spoiled us with her attention to detail. The women I hired in November from a referral on Nextdoor were "fine" the first two months, although I made a list of things that could've been better after their December visit. They couldn't come until mid-January, so I skipped that month, and the one showed up with a different helper yesterday. Beard hair left on the bathroom counter, cat crunchies in the corner of the kitchen. Next! I'm sorry, but I expect more for my $150/4 hours of work. Cliff gives me this "you should work with them and show them what you want". I did the initial meeting, got them to tell me what they wanted that I didn't already have (a long handled Swiffer thing for high cleaning), took them on the house tour showing them where the cleaning supplies were, and then their first actual cleaning day I stayed upstairs so I could show them how to run the washer and could answer questions as they came up. I'll be damned if I show someone how not to leave hair on the counter and food on the floor. "Oh, they just need your guidance..." I haven't routinely cleaned a house since I moved in with Cliff in 1983 -- I expect anyone I hire to be able to do a better job than I can. I'd made some inquiries in January when they had a scheduling conflict, so I'll try the licensed and bonded gal who gets $40/hr with her helper and see how clean her four hours gets me.

We only hire companies who have employees to clean our house. We have had our share of issues with house cleaners in our prior homes in California, and hence on-and-off house cleaning services through the years. Our neighbors like their work with this company and we are over at their place regularly and everything seems clean and nice. Our home is twice the size of our neighbors', so we hope they will do as good a job and at the same time it won't break the bank. We shall see!

 

[Brett]

interesting thread. My wife loves carpentry and DIY projects like installing oak wood floors and putting in new windows. And she loves to cook.
I do the dishes, laundry, trash, mow the yard, etc. And I'm better with finances.

 

[Timeshare Von]

It may be preference, but I do think it's skill set, too. I have barely washed any dishes in the 25+ years of our relationship (only when he is out of town.) I don't do it well, I don't like it, etc. My spouse has both the disposition and the skill set for it--loading the dishwasher puts into practice all those Tetris skills--and he likes the linear nature of it--dirty, clean, and a clear-cut place to put stuff away. {SNIPPED}

I USED TO do the dishes after meals . . . after all my Hubby was doing the cooking, BUT after about 3 or 4 times of being corrected for how I did it . . . or watching him totally unload and reload the dishwasher, I announced "I will NEVER do the dishes again then!" and I haven't (except when he's away).

It's good to have your perspective on skill set and it is a possible explanation for his way and how it "is supposed to be done." My husband is totally a logistics & puzzle sorta guy. He also has lectured me on the physics of the water spray inside the dishwasher and why how I did it wouldn't get the dishes "optimally clean." LOL at that one!!

 

[clifffaith]

I USED TO do the dishes after meals . . . after all my Hubby was doing the cooking, BUT after about 3 or 4 times of being corrected for how I did it . . . or watching him totally unload and reload the dishwasher, I announced "I will NEVER do the dishes again then!" and I haven't (except when he's away).

It's good to have your perspective on skill set and it is a possible explanation for his way and how it "is supposed to be done." My husband is totally a logistics & puzzle sorta guy. He also has lectured me on the physics of the water spray inside the dishwasher and why how I did it wouldn't get the dishes "optimally clean." LOL at that one!!

Cliff rebags the groceries while I assure the bagger he reloads everyone's bags. Cliff reloads the dishwasher after I've done it. Thankfully no lectures on water spray physics, but I guarantee you don't want to sit at a rocky four legged table with him and have to listen to the mathematics, and witness the demonstration, of getting all four legs on the floor.

 

[amycurl]

One of my spouse's great lines: "Hell is other people....loading your dishwasher."

 

[rapmarks]

One of my spouse's great lines: "Hell is other people....loading your dishwasher."

I have kept this to myself for too long, some people have very strange ways of loading dishwashers. Why would you put a plate in the middle of an empty dishwasher. Wouldn’t you start on the end. Likewise for glassware. Don’t you start on an end and also in an open space rather than over the tines in the middle of the rack.

 

[Quiet Pine]

rocky four legged table

Sorry for being off-topic, but I see this as the major disadvantage of people giving up smoking. No one has a matchbook to use as a shim under the leg.

 

[pedro47]

I have kept this to myself for too long, some people have very strange ways of loading dishwashers. Why would you put a plate in the middle of an empty dishwasher. Wouldn’t you start on the end. Likewise for glassware. Don’t you start on an end and also in an open space rather than over the tines in the middle of the rack.

There was a newspaper article in the USA Today newspaper how to properly load a dishwasher. Nice article.