Stay At Home Humor

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[TheHolleys87]

There may be some truth to this. According to our database...

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A man calls Pizza Hut to order a pizza...
CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE !!!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

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Dave

First I laughed, then I cried, because it's true.

We need some new emojis for these posts.

 

[plpgma]

 

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[plpgma]

 

[geist1223]

View attachment 61580

Many years ago I would buy a soda from MacDonalds go into the bathroom, pour out the Soda, and rinse the cup. I would then just pour the Beer into the Cup, put the Lid on, and insert straw. Then drive on. I am old enough to remember the drive up places in Florida where you could order an alcoholic mixed drinks, and continue on your way.

 

[Tank]

 

[emeryjre]

Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken.

When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager, “You’ve got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him, “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“How did you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed

“No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained.

“I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and after that he sat up all night watching me…”

 

[presley]

View attachment 61551

I can't stop laughing. This is the story of my life.

 

[Passepartout]

 

[Passepartout]

 

[pedro47]

Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken.

When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager, “You’ve got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him, “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“How did you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed

“No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained.

“I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and after that he sat up all night watching me…”

That is one funny story, Love it.

 

[pedro47]

Many years ago I would buy a soda from MacDonalds go into the bathroom, pour out the Soda, and rinse the cup. I would then just pour the Beer into the Cup, put the Lid on, and insert straw. Then drive on. I am old enough to remember the drive up places in Florida where you could order an alcoholic mixed drinks, and continue on your way.

That is an outstanding idea. I wish, I could have used that suggestion 60 years ago.LOL

 

[Talent312]

This product will make a beer (or any) can look like
a cup of coffee to-go...

Trinken Lid

A Trinken Lid in black or white. I guarantee you'll love it! The Trinken Lid was invented after wanting to have a cold beer in a covert manner. Simply open your can of choice, snap it into the bottom of the lid, and pop the lid on the cup. Instant stealth beer cozy! "A MUST HAVE - THIS IS THE...

www.trinkenstore.com

Lid Features:
Same dimensions as a standard coffee cup lid, so it fits almost all medium to large paper coffee cups.
Silicone gasket seals to the top of the can to ensure no leaks.
Six sets of snaps hold your can in tight.
Ergonomically designed spout and rim.
Secondary breather hole to improve flow.

 

[Sandi Bo]

My 4 (almost 5 year) grand daughter's was having a conversation with her 6 year old brother. My daughter is a doctor.

My granddaughter recently had to go to ER. She was telling her brother how the doctor gave her a popsicle. My grandson said, wait - did you say HE??, Boys can't be doctors!

My daughter got a big kick out of that. When she asked if he was serious, he said well I've never seen a boy doctor before, their pediatrician is a female, as well as her doctor friends that he knows. She said it is so weird to think about - as her patients are still requesting a different dr because she is a female.

 

[Tank]

 

[Tank]

 

[Tank]

 

[Tank]

Learned behavior for sure breaking the cycle in those Terrible Two’s or else.

 

[Brett]

 

[plpgma]