Stay At Home Humor

[DaveNV]

Happy Mother's Day!

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Deep questions:

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

I went shopping! Well, sort of...

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[Ralph Sir Edward]

 

[Ralph Sir Edward]

 

[Ralph Sir Edward]

 

[Krteczech]

Happy Mother's Day!

View attachment 54208

Dave

where did you find this one? “Máma” looks Czech to me.

 

[Krteczech]

Deleted - duplicate

 

[DaveNV]

where did you find this one? “Máma” looks Czech to me.

I subscribe to a humor group on Facebook, and copy the ones I think are funniest to repost here. The group is based in Europe, I think. So your "Czech" comment may be exactly right. I really don't know.

My Scottish, All-American Mom used all three of those on us kids, except she never wore Birkenstocks. Her hands were lightning fast - no switch required.

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Continuing on a theme.

Dave

 

[BargainTraveller]

Deep questions:

View attachment 54210

Dave

Got me!

Dave, I admit, I googled this for the answer!

tom

 

[DaveNV]

Got me!

Dave, I admit, I googled this for the answer!

tom

It got me too, till I figured out what they were actually saying. They're statements, not questions. On Facebook (where I found it) the person who replied "Vanna White" was very close to things.

Dave

 

[swditz]

It got me too, till I figured out what they were actually saying. They're statements, not questions. On Facebook (where I found it) the person who replied "Vanna White" was very close to things.

Dave

Thanks for the hint dave! That "solved" the puzzle for me.
Scott

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[plpgma]

 

[plpgma]

 

[plpgma]

 

[Tank]

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today. An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink , his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger , the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking , 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said , they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again , the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No , thank you , we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally , as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin , the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered.....
'THE TEETH'

 

[emeryjre]

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

 

[clifffaith]

I subscribe to a humor group on Facebook, and copy the ones I think are funniest to repost here. The group is based in Europe, I think. So your "Czech" comment may be exactly right. I really don't know.

My Scottish, All-American Mom used all three of those on us kids, except she never wore Birkenstocks. Her hands were lightning fast - no switch required.

Dave

My brother wore leg braces and Mom once broke the wooden spoon on his brace. She backed me into a corner brandishing her spoon when I was about 11 or 12 and several inches taller than her — told her I’d take the spoon from her and hit her back with it if she hit me. Spoon never made another appearance for any of us three kids after that. We throw slippers and flip flops at our “fur children” if they are out of reach of the squirt bottle.

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

My brother wore leg braces and Mom once broke the wooden spoon on his brace. She backed me into a corner brandishing her spoon when I was about 11 or 12 and several inches taller than her — told her I’d take the spoon from her and hit her back with it if she hit me. Spoon never made another appearance for any of us three kids after that. We throw slippers and flip flops at our “fur children” if they are out of reach of the squirt bottle.

Permit a short digression from a "humor" thread. Perhaps not so far afield, because at its deepest levels, humor draws from human pain and hurt and allows us to address the issues in a less-threatening manner.

Late in my Mom's life, when she was in her 80s, my Mom rather suddenly changed her relationship with me. She started interacting with me much more as an equal adult, and not a son who happened to be an adult. After that transition was made, she started telling much more about her life, things she had never shared before. As an example, and keeping with humor concept, we were able to joke on a new level. She shared a couple of ribald comments involving her and my father, enough that I knew that there was much more, which was better left untapped. But it was enough to add more humanity to their relationship.

In those conversations, she filled in gaps in her history, talked about boyfriends and beaus before she met my father, and sundry other issues. One area she filled in involved her stepmother. My grandmother died when my Mom was 11. My Mom was the second of six children, and the oldest daughter. Her father was a sharecropper wheat farmer in central North Dakota, and they were living on the economic margins, on the ragged edge of needing to go to the poor farm (literally), In that state, the household could not function without someone tending to the domestic matters. Cooking food, doing laundry, sewing and patching clothes, canning and preserving food for the winter, tending to the garden, rendering grease and fat to make soap, making sure household chores got done (feeding the animals and cleaning stalls, milking cows, being sure that someone was assisting when farm animals were birthing). And parenting the children.

Since my mother was the oldest daughter, those tasks fell to her. Until she was about 14, when her Dad remarried.

All of the above I knew previously. I also knew that there had never been a good relationship with her stepmother, and that my Mom eventually left home at 16 without ever going back to school.

*********

What I didn't know was some of the details, which I guess she decided I was now old enough to hear about and the she felt needed to be told. She talked about how emotionally in the space of one week she went from being an 11-year old school girl to a 30-year old mother of four children. Then, after her father remarried, she still carried most of the same duties, while her stepmother now "managed". There was a heart-breaking amount of physical abuse involved, including her stepmother using a nail-studded piece of wood as her disciplinary tool of choice.

Things ended with the stepmother on my Mother's 16th birthday, Feb. 3. My Mom came home to find all of her belongings boxed up on the porch, with a note saying that since she was now 16 years old, it was time to make her own way in life, that her room had been given to one of my Mom's stepbrother's (who had been sharing a room with one of the other boys). So in about five years, she emotionally went from being an 11-year old school girl, to a 30-year old mother, to a homeless 16-year old, in the dead of winter in the North Dakota prairie, with less than a 5th grade education.

***********

My Mom's anger was still palpable, ~ 70 years later. But she said she determined to direct that anger and rage positively - to be sure that she didn't pass that anger to her children, but to ensure that her children never went through anything like that. I was a bit floored; I knew nothing of that. And I later learned that none of my siblings had any inkling either.

Which makes that the most eloquent testimony possible as to how well she had fulfilled that vow to herself. She made a decision to stop a chain of violence and abuse, and she did.

 

[Talent312]

A question on a sixth grade science class test (for real):

All things with mass also have a measure of density.
You have mass. Therefore, you are dense. True or False: ________
.

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

A question of a sixth grade science class test (for real):

All things with mass also have a measure of density.
You have mass. Therefore, you are dense. True or False: ________
.

True, We all face the "Danse Macabre".