Stay At Home Humor

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[T_R_Oglodyte]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'

‘Oh, my goodness’ said the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

‘That would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!

And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..............

'You missed the G#d-D&*mned putt, didn't you?'

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

There was a man playing golf one day. He was having a good day of golfing when on the 7th hole he slices his ball in to the woods. He goes searching for it and finds it next to a tiny, unconscious man dressed all in green. He picks up the little man, dusts him off and checks him for injuries, finding a bump on his head where the golf ball hit him. The little man stirs and wakes up shocked to be in the palms of the golfer's hands.

"Are you what I think you are," the golfer asks.

"Yes," says the wee man. "I am a leprechaun, and it looks like you caught me. That means you get three wishes. What would you like?"

The man shrugs his shoulders, puts the leprechaun down and says "I don't need any wishes. I'm just glad you're not hurt too bad." The golfer pats him on the head, picks up his ball, and continues on with his golf game.

The leprechaun was amazed.

"I've never seen the like," he said out loud. "No one every turns down wishes! To reward his kindness I'll make wishes for him in his stead. May ye always have excellent golf games, may ye never trouble for money, and may have an amazing sex life!"

A year later, the same man is golfing again and once again on the 7th hole his ball goes in to the woods. He goes to find his ball and finds it in the same spot as last year, this time with the leprechaun standing next to it.

"So, my lad, it's been a year since I last seen you," the leprechaun says. "So how's your golfing been?"

The man replies "It's been pretty much perfect all year. Great weather all the time and, up until just now, I've been under par every round."

"Oh, that's wonderful to hear!" beams the leprechaun. "So how're you doing money-wise?"

The man replies "I can't complain. I always seem to find some money in my pockets when I need it. I haven't been hurting for lack of anything."

"Is that so?" says the leprechaun, grinning from ear to ear.

"So, how's your love life going?" He asks, winking.

The man blushes and says, "I've been on a bit of a hot streak. I've been having sex once or twice every couple of weeks"

"That's it?" Says the leprechaun, shocked at how ineffective his wish was. "I'd seriously figure that you'd be getting more action. Maybe I can help with that?"

"Well," the man says. "It's not bad for a priest in a country parish with no car."

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

A priest and a nun were out playing golf one day. They get to about hole 5 when the priest has a 10 ft putt for par. He lines up his putt but misses and yells out “Damn it! I missed!” The nun looks flabbergasted and says “Father, you know you shouldn’t be using foul language like that!” The priest says “I know I know, I’m sorry.. it won’t happen again.”

They get to hole 12 and this time the priest has a 5 ft putt for par.. he lines up his putt but again he misses and he yells out “Damn it! I missed!” And once again the nun let’s him have it… “Father, that’s twice now you’ve used foul language and you know you shouldn’t have…you know how it works.. 3 strikes and you’re out!” The priest again apologizes and says “I know I know, it won’t happen again!”

They get to the last hole and the priest has a 3 foot putt for birdie. He lines up his putt but misses and he yells out again “Damn it! I missed!” The nun just starts laying into him… screaming at him about his language. As she’s doing this… the clouds get dark overhead and a storm forms right over the green and a bolt of lightning shoots down and strikes the nun dead and a loud thunderous voice from the heavens yells out…“Damn it! I missed!”

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon and it’s starting to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Zelensky throws out Putin and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”.

 

[plpgma]

 

[plpgma]

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: "What in the hell is that?"
Jane: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Arlene: "Where did you get it?"
Jane: "You can get them at any pharmacy."

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.


******************************

Dave

 

[pedro47]

DaveNV, the pharmacist probably fainted because they did not know a Camel was a popular brand of cigarettes (smokes) years ago. LOL

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[PrairieGirl]

 

[Tank]

 

[DaveNV]

Tuggers of a certain age will get this. Younger people will think I've lost my mind.

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

I'm never shopping for "chicken" again. From now on, it's Meatbird, or nothing.

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[Tank]