Stay At Home Humor

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[geist1223]

They gave me a much needed laugh. Now I”ll head to the nightly news….

▪	My tolerance for idiots is extremely low today. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously, there is a new strain out there.
▪	As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of ... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
▪	Me: Sobbing my heart out, "I can't see you anymore ... I'm not going to let you hurt me again.” Trainer: "It was one sit-up. ”
▪	Sorry I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
▪	Turns out that being a “senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
▪	Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think "That can't be accurate."
▪	Teacher: Give me a sentence that includes the words: defense, defeat, detail. Student: When a horse jumps over defense, defeat go first and then detail.
▪	God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round...and laughed and laughed and laughed.
▪	I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food
▪	I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
▪	Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS blurted out "You have reached your final destination."
▪	My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
▪	Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling, and I'm still alive.

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

 

[Tank]

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[Jan M.]

We're leaving on a long trip in a few days so this one caught my eye.

 

[Tank]

 

[plpgma]

 

[plpgma]

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[tombanjo]

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[plpgma]

 

[plpgma]

 

[Tank]