Need Hugs, Incense, Prayers, Chocolate - whatever works

[sail27bill]

Pjrose--Best wishes to you and your family in these trying times. Will add your daughter to my prayer list. Hopefully today will be a brighter day.

Anita

 

[DeniseM]

I second this suggestion.

I refused to do this for Jordan when he was younger out of concern that he would get "labelled." I wish that I had chosen differently.

elaine

What is the process for applying for Social Security? I need to look into this for my 23 year old with Aspergers Syndrome before he ages off our health insurance.

THANKS!

 

[vacationhopeful]

What is the process for applying for Social Security? I need to look into this for my 23 year old with Aspergers Syndrome before he ages off our health insurance.

THANKS!

You need to RUN and get him on Social Security Disablility .... BEFORE his 25th birthday. The difference is his lifetime grant would be based on HIS PARENTS contribution to social security verses his almost ZERO basis. He would be on SSI (about $300+ monthly). Look at your yearly statement to find WHAT your disablitiy benefit would be ... SSI would have him at food banks, clothes from Goodwill, no cable TV, .... very poor.

 

[Mel]

I don't want to go too far with this, but my BFF Rose Pink refers to the fact that there are more complicated issues than just behavior.....

And what's wrong is the complexity of some of the laws regarding people over 18.

Hugs being sent your way, from one who remembers some of the complications from 3 years ago. While we both know she probably won't learn from this experience, we also know that she could - we just have to hope this is the time she is ready to learn. She has to learn for herself, in her own way, as much as it hurts you to watch. Rest assured we are all here for you, as you are for her.

If you do try to have her evaluated in terms of guardianship, make sure they do it when she's off her meds. It is such a struggle when the meds work well, because it gives them that false sense that they no longer need them, but when they stop taking them they lose the ability to recognize how bad it gets. For some there is no such thing as "common sense."

 

[pjrose]

She's been back home - sort of - for a few days, but is almost always on online dating sites and then going out with whoever. It's an addiction, but she sees only the flattery and fun aspects.

I found a lot of sites that discuss the addiction; this one fits, especially under the Impact on Women heading:
http://www.surviving-abuse.com/internet-dating.html

She has been giving us some info (e.g., phone, name, online site username) of her dates so at least that's something. She's continuing with one class b/c it is a prereq for classes next term, but has dropped all others. She is continuing with one volunteer position.

We don't like the behavior, but I don't want her to hit the street again and she is taking her meds so we're tolerating it. However, we've also told her that she needs to apply for jobs so she can get her own place. She's put out a few applications, but must do a lot more.

Still very stressed.

 

[Rose Pink]

She's been back home - sort of - for a few days, but is almost always on online dating sites and then going out with whoever. It's an addiction, but she sees only the flattery and fun aspects.

My DD told me I was addicted to TUG.

 

[pjrose]

My DD told me I was addicted to TUG.

But TUG isn't dangerous....even with a timeshare addiction, TUGgers know to look for resale.

 

[Zac495]

But TUG isn't dangerous....even with a timeshare addiction, TUGgers know to look for resale.

HAHA!!!!! Glad she's home. I'm thinking of you.

 

[pjrose]

HAHA!!!!! Glad she's home. I'm thinking of you.

Home for a few days as in not on the run, but still going out with guys she has never met, and I can't predict from one night to the next if she'll come home or not.

It's still a dangerous and scary situation.

 

[Rose Pink]

But TUG isn't dangerous....even with a timeshare addiction, TUGgers know to look for resale.

Definitely not dangerous in the way on-line dating can be! However, I think we can understand the lure of having people to "talk" to; to look forward (even eagerly) to see if someone has responded to something we post, especially if they are complimentary. There are times I get on TUG many times a day. And sometimes it takes up way more of my time than I anticipate it will.

I wonder if she could be redirected to a safer internet site where she could communicate with people in a more appropriate and safe venue?

Does she have any interest in the animal rescue discussion groups or perhaps an on-line study group? I know, not as exciting.

 

[Liz Wolf-Spada]

Some of the online dating sites are now screening for sex offenders. Maybe you could get her to use those sites anyway. I think it was match.com and probably eharmony.
Liz

 

[pjrose]

Definitely not dangerous in the way on-line dating can be! However, I think we can understand the lure of having people to "talk" to; to look forward (even eagerly) to see if someone has responded to something we post, especially if they are complimentary. There are times I get on TUG many times a day. And sometimes it takes up way more of my time than I anticipate it will.

I wonder if she could be redirected to a safer internet site where she could communicate with people in a more appropriate and safe venue?

Does she have any interest in the animal rescue discussion groups or perhaps an on-line study group? I know, not as exciting.

Another scary situation last night, but maybe she's learning a bit from those situations.....this afternoon she went to a movie with a decent-seeming guy who actually drove her home afterward, and then went out for the night with one who came to the house and introduced himself. In both cases we have contact info. There will be ups and downs.

I suggested a site connected to a religion - we're not religious, but perhaps those on such sites might have stronger morals/values?

 

[Rose Pink]

I suggested a site connected to a religion - we're not religious, but perhaps those on such sites might have stronger morals/values?

Perhaps, but they have their predators, too. I would think that a decent, honest man on a religion-based dating site would be looking for a woman with the same values and beliefs. If DD doesn't believe as he does, then it probably wouldn't work out. The predators are always on the lookout for the innocent and gullible wherever they can find them. So, just be careful. I know you are doing your best.

 

[pjrose]

Update...

It's a week later, and she is no longer on the road. She is taking most of her meds, in school part-time, continuing with one volunteer job, and home when she's not at school or out on a date with someone from online. She is still obsessed with online dating sites and constantly glued to the laptop and cell phone. She still doesn't get that you should always talk awhile first, then meet in a public place a few times, etc.

She has been going out most nights, but giving us info to find her in case there's a problem, and texting that she's safe. We have a code for her to text me if she isn't safe. We do not like the behavior but are tolerating it because at least she isn't out on the streets.

She's supposedly applying for jobs in order to be able to afford to move to her own place....it'll take a lot more work than she's put into it yet.

Keep that good Karma and those prayers coming, or burn incense and hug trees, and I'm continuing with my daily dose of cookie-dough ice cream, lots of hugs with DH, and enjoying the comfort of my purry kittens.

 

[BevL]

That is great news. Hopefully things remain on an even keel.

Still sending good thoughts your way. Keep hanging in there, it's about all you can do some days!!

 

[Mel]

She's supposedly applying for jobs in order to be able to afford to move to her own place....it'll take a lot more work than she's put into it yet.

On the one hand, it would be good for her self esteem if she landed a good job, but it would also mean less influence on your part, as she would not have you there to remind her if she forgets the meds. And unfortunately, that will happen at some point - at least at home you will be there to get her back on track quickly.

Has she developed any long term goals? I know that has helped a great deal with our DD. I fear for her when she goes away to college, but she at least has spent time the last 3 summers on campus, with significant supervision, and have not had to go the route of medications - behavior modification has worked well with her so far, but we've seen issues on the horizon as well. She has firm goals for herself, and if she can help it, she won't let anything get in the way of those goals.

It is very difficult to allow them to control their own lives when you know they aren't capable of doing so, but we have to let them have at least some control. It sounds like she understands and accepts your concerns, and that's a big start. Let's hope she really does understand how important the meds are for her - that she understands they they don't control her, but they allow her to control herself. That perspective helped a neighbor's son immensely.

 

[pjrose]

She has always had long-term goals. She wants to be in the medical field and wants children. At this point with only a HS degree and unfinished coursework in the medical field, the best she'll be able to get is a CNA or working in a store. If she gets a job and can pay for part of an apartment we'll help with start-up costs and we'll continue to cover medical and educational.

Unfortunately, I'm afraid her baby-wish is very strong. Her birth-control-pill-taking has been erratic, and with the current behavior....she's going to find out the hard way. She doesn't comprehend the reality of what she is doing.

 

[puppymommo]

I'm sure you've thought of this, but would she be open to the birth control shot? One shot and she's covered for three months. Doesn't address the possible STD issue, but but at least you (all) won't be worried about the unplanned pregnancy issue.

 

[pjrose]

She was on it for years, initially prescribed for mood swings. It helped a lot, plus no worries about babies. Unfortunately she refused to take it any more last winter, based on misinformation from well-meaning friends. She WANTS to be pregnant, and I guess we have to consider it successful that she made it this far...not 14, 15, 16, etc. She'll learn the hard way. I did tell her that it is child abuse to conceive a child with the possibility of STDs, alcohol, and drugs, and with a random guy who probably won't even pay child support. There is no logic with her.

I'm sure you've thought of this, but would she be open to the birth control shot? One shot and she's covered for three months. Doesn't address the possible STD issue, but but at least you (all) won't be worried about the unplanned pregnancy issue.

 

[pjrose]

Update - she moved in with a new boyfriend

She came home after a few weeks but continued online dating - on the computer and cell constantly, then would go out with God-knows-who - drove us crazy but she usually told us the name and phone number, and at home she was at least taking meds and going to one class (had to drop the other four). She applied for a few jobs, but no luck there. She picked up mono and at least two misc. infections during her "adventures," but did not get pregnant.

Two weeks ago she went to an all-day outdoor concert with an online date and they really hit it off. The next day she had another syncope in class and was taken to the ER. She called him to pick her up, then called us to let us know. He asked if it was ok with us, I said not really, but it was her choice not ours and I just wanted her to be safe.

They went to his house ~2 hours away and a week later they came here to pack up clothes and books. He seems stable, is employed, owns house he is fixing up, they are besotted with each other, and she is taking ALL meds including B/C. She's taking two online classes. We are in touch almost every day and she sounds good (other than tired from mono).

So....she says she is safe and happy, we know where she is, and we are far less stressed. It's not what I envisioned for my 19 year old, but it is much better than a few months ago.

 

[ace2000]

PJ - I wish you the best possible outcome in the situation.

Just curious, and it may be posted already... but are you providing any financial support for her? Cell phone, insurance, extra money, etc.?

 

[pjrose]

PJ - I wish you the best possible outcome in the situation.

Just curious, and it may be posted already... but are you providing any financial support for her? Cell phone, insurance, extra money, etc.?

her cell phone on the family plan - for safety
her tuition/books
she is covered by our medical insurance
+ she has some money saved up from birthdays etc

She has applied for some jobs, but with the mono and repeated syncopes I really don't think she could hold a job right now...they haven't asked, but I am thinking of sending them some grocery store gift cards.

 

[Sandi Bo]

Thanks for the update PJ. It sounds like she's doing good, hope she continues to do so. When they said parenting would be our toughest job ever, they weren't kidding.

I do the same for my 21 year old DS -- pay his cell phone, car insurance, and health insurance. It's as much for me as him. The deal is he has to be in school. However, he took this quarter off. I reminded him yesterday of our deal and the need to get back in school. I can't push him too hard, but I did give hime a gentle nudge.

He has his own place and works delivering pizza. Not what I envisioned for my 21 year old. But I think he'll find his way, it's just taking him some time. And all he has to do is say I love you momma, and I melt. Still....

 

[Mel]

So....she says she is safe and happy, we know where she is, and we are far less stressed. It's not what I envisioned for my 19 year old, but it is much better than a few months ago.

It sounds promising - he sounds like a stabilizing influence. Maybe she is doing what she needs to for him, and that's a start. Perhaps she will learn to do it for herself. She needed to do it her way, and at least her way came out OK this time. Even if it doesn't work out with him in the long run, maybe the experience will give her some confidence, and get her on the right path.

 

[Htoo0]

Hoping this turns out to be a good experience for her. Can't imagine how difficult it can be to raise a child even without major problems.