Need Hugs, Incense, Prayers, Chocolate - whatever works

[Liz Wolf-Spada]

PJ still praying for her well being and your peace of mind. At least you did get to see her and know she is safe. I think having her keep her phone is a good idea.
Liz

 

[DeniseM]

PJ - What would happen if you did cut off her cell phone service? Wouldn't that shut her down to a certain extent? I am sure you don't want to because you want her to be able to call you, but on the other hand, the cell phone might be enabling her. Or maybe you could cut off her internet access on the phone?

 

[pjrose]

PJ - What would happen if you did cut off her cell phone service? Wouldn't that shut her down to a certain extent? I am sure you don't want to because you want her to be able to call you, but on the other hand, the cell phone might be enabling her. Or maybe you could cut off her internet access on the phone?

We've debated whether the cell is enabling her....but it's also a safety line and call record. She does not have internet access.

 

[ondeadlin]

I'm not suggesting this course of action, because I don't know enough about the situation to offer advice, but I'm curious what do you think would happen if you simply put her out of the house entirely and told her to make her own way in life. Is she capable of that? How would she react?

 

[pjrose]

I'm not suggesting this course of action, because I don't know enough about the situation to offer advice, but I'm curious what do you think would happen if you simply put her out of the house entirely and told her to make her own way in life. Is she capable of that? How would she react?

She isn't capable. She thinks she is, but she isn't. She needs meds for psychological conditions and the cardio-vascular issue. They weren't working well to help her with her stresses and anger anyway, as she had been getting worse and worse in those ways. Without them, she ended up in the ER two nights in a row.

 

[Zac495]

PJ - So glad to read your update. I can't imagine what you guys are going through.
Love,
Ellen

 

[pjrose]

PJ - So glad to read your update. I can't imagine what you guys are going through.
Love,
Ellen

Ellen, I know you've been through terrible times too. Your openness of posting here and getting moral support and suggestions is part of why I did.

The latest is a plan to come home today, go back to some classes tomorrow but drop others, promise to take meds and see counselor, continue to try to get PT job. We shall see. Sounds ok till the next blow-up. Also have to stop the online-dating addiction/thrill and texting people "met" online. That'll be a hard one to convey. She sees others doing it, but doesn't get that you have to be responsible about it - public places only, no personal info for example.

I'm not placing bets either way.

 

[GregT]

PJ,

I came over to the TUG lounge to post a question on an electric BBQ and after seeing your thread, my question doesn't really seem that important any more. I'm so sorry to hear about these tough days with your daughter.

I'll be praying and sending best wishes for your daughter and your family -- she is very lucky that you have been so strong for her and I believe one day she will realize that.

Best wishes to you these days,

Greg

 

[glypnirsgirl]

This is heartbreaking for a parent to deal with. And there are no right answers. You never know if the choices that you make are the right ones.

My son is emotionally disturbed and low IQ. He went through a period of time when he moved out of our home to go and live with a family of drugdealers in a flophouse motel.

The strange thing to me was that he continued to get up and go to school every day. He still did his school work. At the end of the day, he would go to the flophouse motel instead of coming home.

I believe that they were willing to let him stay because he still had his truck and a phone. The drug dealing family did not have transportation. The drug buyers would come to the flophouse motel to make their deals.

My dad was furious with me for letting him stay there. But I did. For about 4 months. The Monday after Easter, I went to his school to eat lunch with him. I asked him to come home. I asked him what he had been eating. He told me that he had had a sandwich with old bologna and moldy bread for dinner the night before. He still wanted to stay at the flophouse motel.

After another week or two, I took away his truck. I had bought it. The title was in my name. And I had a spare set of keys to it. I had one of my friends drive me to the motel and I just drove off in it.

He called to see if I had taken it and I told him that I had and that I was keeping it until he came back home. (The reason that I had not taken it before was because he could not get back and forth to school without it). He came home shortly thereafter.

I know that part of the reason that I let him stay there was that I was exhausted from dealing with him. I knew where he was. And although I did not consider the place to be "safe," knowing where he was was sifficient for that time.

I am NOT suggesting that you do the same thing: your child has medical problems that mine did not and she is a young woman.

Jordan's story has a happy ending. He is now married to a lovely young woman, he is working at a full time job with benefits at an excellent employer. It is truly miraculous that he is where he is now.

I hope that your daughter's story has a happy ending, too.

elaine

 

[neash]

Jordan's story has a happy ending. He is now married to a lovely young woman, he is working at a full time job with benefits at an excellent employer. It is truly miraculous that he is where he is now.

I hope that your daughter's story has a happy ending, too.

elaine

Elaine, your post is one of the reasons why I want the "like" button on TUG.
It must have been the longest 4-5 months of your life yet you hung in there.

PJ, I sincerely hope and pray that your family has a happy ending too, you deserve it.

 

[LLW]

Ellen, I know you've been through terrible times too. Your openness of posting here and getting moral support and suggestions is part of why I did.

The latest is a plan to come home today, go back to some classes tomorrow but drop others, promise to take meds and see counselor, continue to try to get PT job. We shall see. Sounds ok till the next blow-up. Also have to stop the online-dating addiction/thrill and texting people "met" online. That'll be a hard one to convey. She sees others doing it, but doesn't get that you have to be responsible about it - public places only, no personal info for example.

I'm not placing bets either way.

pj,

I am praying, with heart incense and tears, that your daughter will be strong, one second and one step at a time, in passing through this valley. She will be strong, because you and your husband are strong by her side, supporting her, one step at a time. God bless.

 

[pjrose]

She didn't come back yesterday as hoped. I'm not surprised.

She is so darn mixed up - she has always wanted immediate gratification; "no" and "wait" provoked rages. Her school and her planned EMT class were taking too long. Well now that she isn't doing the classes, it'll take even longer, if she does them at all. If she comes back or ends up in a hospital and somehow is helped to get stable.

 

[jackio]

She didn't come back yesterday as hoped. I'm not surprised.

She is so darn mixed up - she has always wanted immediate gratification; "no" and "wait" provoked rages. Her school and her planned EMT class were taking too long. Well now that she isn't doing the classes, it'll take even longer, if she does them at all. If she comes back or ends up in a hospital and somehow is helped to get stable.

I'm so sorry to hear this news. I will continue praying. Please keep us updated - Jacki

 

[Zac495]

Ellen, I know you've been through terrible times too. Your openness of posting here and getting moral support and suggestions is part of why I did.

The latest is a plan to come home today, go back to some classes tomorrow but drop others, promise to take meds and see counselor, continue to try to get PT job. We shall see. Sounds ok till the next blow-up. Also have to stop the online-dating addiction/thrill and texting people "met" online. That'll be a hard one to convey. She sees others doing it, but doesn't get that you have to be responsible about it - public places only, no personal info for example.

I'm not placing bets either way.

Thanks PJ - and I'm SO sorry she didn't come home!!!
HANG IN because you're a great mom and things will get better - and maybe then worse - and then better. What a hard job- being a mom - to our kids regardless of their situations.

LOVE TO YOU

 

[pjrose]

Ended up in ER this AM due to assault, time in ER, time with police, now home sleeping.

Hope the assault was a lesson learned, but I'm not optimistic about that. Still need chocolate, hugs, karma, prayers, incense, etc. I do have two purry kitties - they have been a great help.

 

[SueDonJ]

PJ, I can't even find words to try to help you. Continued good thoughts for all of you ...

 

[Rose Pink]

Ended up in ER this AM due to assault, time in ER, time with police, now home sleeping.

Hope the assault was a lesson learned, but I'm not optimistic about that. Still need chocolate, hugs, karma, prayers, incense, etc. I do have two purry kitties - they have been a great help.

She didn't learn from the previous assaults and I doubt she'll learn this time. I don't know if she can. It is the medical authorities--who should know better--that are not doing their job. What is wrong with these people!?

 

[pjrose]

She didn't learn from the previous assaults and I doubt she'll learn this time. I don't know if she can. It is the medical authorities--who should know better--that are not doing their job. What is wrong with these people!?

I don't want to go too far with this, but my BFF Rose Pink refers to the fact that there are more complicated issues than just behavior.....

And what's wrong is the complexity of some of the laws regarding people over 18.

 

[jackio]

Ended up in ER this AM due to assault, time in ER, time with police, now home sleeping.

Hope the assault was a lesson learned, but I'm not optimistic about that. Still need chocolate, hugs, karma, prayers, incense, etc. I do have two purry kitties - they have been a great help.

I'm sorry to hear this news. Thank goodness she is safe at home. Best of wishes being sent your way...

 

[Thomfam]

Sending you a hug and will continue to keep your family in our prayers.

Patti

 

[MommaBear]

The laws governing those over 18 and even under 18 are incredibly frustrating. In Maine, you cannot compel anyone 16 or over to live in your house, but you are responsible for all their behaviors until they are 18. So, even though you do not know where they are or what they are doing, you are still responsible. Over 18, if the person can state what might happen if they do XYZ, you cannot get guardianship over them becuase the law states they are aware of the possible consequences of their actions and therefore are entitled to make bad decisions. Getting any kind of conservatorship is extemely difficult.

I certainly do not know the details of your daughter's case, pjrose, so am not judging in any way except to understand how tough this is on you. If you have not had the chance yet, I would recommend consulting a family law attorney who may be able to guide you in seeing some kind of legal oversight of your daughter. Sometimes it is the language that the medical professionals use that helps or hinders in getting the oversight.

I am lucky to work in an ED that has behavioral health consultants on call 24/7 who can come in and evaluate a patient for us and can help us with management of the patient. For many of our patients we have care plans that we activate when they are brought to the hospital. Some have guardians, some do not.

Meanwhile, take care of yourself. I find chocolate, exercise and crying all to be great stress relievers. My husband and I took many long walks together when we were going through the worst times with our daughter. I was lucky to have both family and friends who were incredibly supportive and non-judgemental and a counselor who was worth her weight in gold.

All the best to you, your daughter and your family.

 

[vacationhopeful]

...I certainly do not know the details of your daughter's case, pjrose, so am not judging in any way except to understand how tough this is on you. If you have not had the chance yet, I would recommend consulting a family law attorney who may be able to guide you in seeing some kind of legal oversight of your daughter. Sometimes it is the language that the medical professionals use that helps or hinders in getting the oversight...

You expressed my thoughts exactly. A lawyer looks at this info very differntly.

And you might need to get her on Social Security Disablility - her benefits ($) would be based on her parent's benefit if under age 25 ... would make a world of difference in her income level IF she can NOT get her act together ever.

This may not be a case of her growing up; rather a case that she is unable to be self-sufficient and independant.

 

[Egret1986]

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers

I can't imagine what this must be like, to do all that you possibly can and it's still not enough to "fix" things.

I hope sharing with your TUG family helps provide some relief.

Best wishes and prayers for your ongoing struggles.

 

[glypnirsgirl]

You expressed my thoughts exactly. A lawyer looks at this info very differntly.

And you might need to get her on Social Security Disablility - her benefits ($) would be based on her parent's benefit if under age 25 ... would make a world of difference in her income level IF she can NOT get her act together ever.

This may not be a case of her growing up; rather a case that she is unable to be self-sufficient and independant.

I second this suggestion.

I refused to do this for Jordan when he was younger out of concern that he would get "labelled." I wish that I had chosen differently.

elaine

 

[suesam]

Pj-
Can't imagine the stress you are feeling.....make sure to TRY to take care of yourself. Veggies, vitamins, exercise. Stress is a nasty thing for our bodies. Gotta stay strong to make it through........

Keep up the good fight. Saying a prayer for you and your family.

Sue