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Moral Support

klpca

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So sorry that things are the way that they are. It sounds very frustrating on many levels. Rant away here. You are a smart cookie and I expect that you will figure out what is best for everyone. Going through tough times is exhausting.
 

chellej

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The issue with me announcing I might leave is that it might induce others to leave first. I don’t want the department that I built over 15 years to fall apart needlessly. The truth is that it might fall apart if I leave. But we have some folks in training programs that would be really really hurt if the department crumbles. I have the ability to negotiate for bringing trainees with me if I take a faculty position.
You are a good person for worrying about the people below you But I think you need to worry first about you. There are very few employees that are loyal enough to put the organization ahead of their own needs.

I understand your frustration about relatives not stepping up. When my mom had a debilitating stroke we convinced her and my dad to move to Texas from PA to live with us. My 2 brothers that lived near them, didn't take the time to help so even though they didn't want to uproot and move, they did. Even when they came to Texas to visit, they would spend a few minutes with her and then beg off because it was "too hard to see her that way".

I hope it all works out for you.
 
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Tacoma

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Sorry for all that is happening to you now. I get the frustration with people that don’t step up to help when they should. Sometimes they don’t know what is needed or how to help. I would figure out what you need to make this work for you and ask the relatives for specific help. When my Down’s syndrome sister in law could no longer be cared for by her parents and went into care, my other sister in law just said there are 4 siblings that each need to take a Saturday a month to take her out and keep her connected to the family. To make it easier to organize we each picked 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th Saturday of the month. We were all happy to help just needed some guidance as to how to help.
 
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heathpack

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Hi all,

Thanks for the moral support. Mom was looking a little better yesterday and I am possibly leaving NY on Tuesday.

Just a couple of comments- @b2bailey you and I are on different pages about pretty much everything, the reasonableness of spouses moving together, kids moving closer to their elderly parents, etc. It’s so interesting to realize the scope of what seems “normal” to people. Thanks for your input even if to me it “does not compute”.

As far as organizing people and telling them what is needed- there really is nothing. As I mentioned, my Mom is in the hospital and then will go to rehab and then to independen/assisted/skilled nursing as appropriate. The care logistics are well organized. My comments about relatives are really about showing basic human kindness. My Aunt and Cousin for example- as a child my family spent every vacation with their family. We grew up together. We were close and have been in regular communication our entire lives. You could I suppose call people and say “Hey I need you to do X Y or Z to demonstrate that you care about people you have known since birth”. But really what is the point of that? People either know how to be kind, to demonstrate caring, or they don’t. If I need emotional support from someone but to get it I have to call them up and explain what their behavior should be, well that’s not really support, is it?

Part of the reason my Mom has remained in NY however is because she has a huge circle of long time friends who are here for her. These are the folks who are providing day to day visiting, support, favors, errands, etc. So logistically she is in pretty good shape and this continuing care community she is in is really great. Her needs are met expect for perhaps psychological when things get tough.

As far as me being a caregiver type, I’m really not in any kind of hands on way. The truth is that my relationship with my mother is fraught. But still she’s my mother and I want to do the right thing and make sure she is in the best possible situation.

It has been a hugely stressful time for me, mostly because this is all going down in the middle of the job search, which is itself stressful, with a lot of wheels in motion.

Thanks for listening. We will get through this crisis soon enough I hope!
 

rapmarks

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What a terribly hard time for you. and how sad that family members are so nonchalant. I went through several months of this with my husband, and have ended up with pretty big health problems. Take care of yourself please.
while I was in the hospital, my friends husband was dying, at home with hospice. Second marriage, 37 years. His children told her they could not possibly find time to come see their father before he passed. Just breaks my heart!
 
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amycurl

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We found out earlier this afternoon that my aunt (my mom's sister) died overnight. She had been in skilled nursing for about a year, and, while mostly mentally alert, had some dementia issues and health that had stabilized after a broken pelvis a month or so ago. So, while not surprising, a little sudden and unexpected. I at least was with my mom when she got the call from my cousin, so she could cry in my arms. Both of her siblings have now died in the past 8 months. (She was the baby of the three.) It's very heartbreaking.

As soon as I got a bit of space, I did send a text to my cousin, expressing deep love and concern and telling her to reach out if there was anything we could do. She knows my mom would be there ASAP and that we would support if needed. I loved and spent a lot of time with my aunt and her two daughters are the closest in age to me. I don't think it's really hit me, but at least I hope that they at least know we are thinking of them. We're 14 hours away by car, so there's not much stuff we can probably do from here. There's not going to be a service; I think that was by my aunt's choice.

I've lost a lot of people in the past year. It just feels like a haze of grief. I hope we're not seen as POS relatives. I am often someone who isn't sure what to say, except to offer love, hugs, and a reminder that asking for help is a gift you give other people.

All this to say: I'm so sorry @heathpack. It sounds like a lot. *big hugs* and holding you and your mom in The Light. And asking for help is a gift you give other people.
 

elaine

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Hugs and prayers to you. Wishing you the best in your academia pursuits. I hope you can move forward with interviews when the time is right for you. We’re here for you. Elaine
 
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MULTIZ321

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The issue with me announcing I might leave is that it might induce others to leave first. I don’t want the department that I built over 15 years to fall apart needlessly. The truth is that it might fall apart if I leave. But we have some folks in training programs that would be really really hurt if the department crumbles. I have the ability to negotiate for bringing trainees with me if I take a faculty position.

However if any of my colleagues left, they would not be looking at faculty positions meaning our trainees could get screwed. I need to look for a new job on the down low if at all possible because I will do it in a way that protects the people below me. Not because I’m a better person but rather because I carry a little more weight professionally than my younger colleagues.

So it’s just a tricky delicate thing. I shouldn’t be posting about it on TUG. But I just reached my limit today.
As a successful PhD Audiology Graduate Student from the University of Washington I can vouch for
the Importance of the mentor role provided by Heathpack to her students.That she stives to maintain a positive relationship with her students says volumes about her as a person, teacher and educator! If I were a Dean in the hiring process, I would hire Heathpack in a heartbeat.
 

MULTIZ321

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As a successful PhD Audiology Graduate Student from the University of Washington I can vouch for
the Importance of the mentor role provided by Heathpack to her students.That she stives to maintain a positive relationship with her students says volumes about her as a person, teacher and educator! If I were a Dean in the hiring process, I would hire Heathpack in a heartbeat.Good Luck in your job search! Richard
 
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