Moral Support

[heathpack]

Hello TUGGERS, I am in need of some moral support.

You might remember that my Mom had a stroke last summer. I posted here about that because I was distraught- none of our relatives who should have cared did. It made me prfoundly sad.

Well, Mom was recovering pretty decently from that stroke with just a little residual motor deficit when she had a fell a few weeks ago. She fractured her spine badly and needed to have spinal stabilization surgery. This was a big surgery for someone 83 years old and in poor health.

The surgery itself went fine but she has not been doing well in the past few days. She is having trouble breathing. I think they are worried about blood clots in her lungs. She also has atrial fib and honestly I think clots in the lungs complicated by some degree of heart failure would explain her clinical picture. They are limited in their ability to treat the clots because of her post op spinal surgery status- a spinal hematoma would be a disaster for her.

OF COURSE this is happening when I am in the middle of a job search. I am mentally done with my job and am interviewing for faculty positions in vet med. I had two interviews scheduled for this week, one of which I already cancelled and rescheduled. For those of you who don't know, the faculty interviews are a big deal to organize. Its two days of meeting with everybody, from various deans to the students. These are not easy things to reschedule. So that part is tough.

I am on leave from work- which is unpaid. Not the end of the world, but its a lot of lost income, plus people covering for me makes it hard to take time off to discreetly interview when I am back- because with two day interviews, plus a travel day, I need multiple three-day blocks off from work. Its going to be hard to make that happen, since by the time I get back to work I maybe will have been off for 5 or 6 weeks (I was on vacation when this happened, have been here in NY 2 weeks already, was planning one week more, but no there's no end in sight).

And where are my POS family members? Nowhere to be found. I am the only surviving child. My deceased brother's daughter happens to be home from college on spring break. She visited Mom once. My Mom's sister has called her once. She expects me to keep her updated but never calls me to ask how she's doing, or express concern for me personally. And my cousin, who was very close when we grew up and who is my mother's heir should something happen to me- I have heard literally not one peep from her. She has not called me, or my Mom or even texted anyone. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!

Anyway that is my vent for the day. There is nothing really anyone can do, we need to let things play out a little more. But I needed to get some of that off my chest.

PS And Mr. Heathpack in home in California with the dogs. I really wish they were all here right now. Ugh.

 

[AnnieBets]

So sorry you are going through this. Hugs and prayers.

 

[Dori]

Sending you big TUG hugs!

Dori

 

[Timeshare Von]

People, even family members, can be so oblivious to the needs and feelings of others. All you can really do is do the best you can and accept you can't control others. Manage your expectations and hopefully you'll find some peace.

 

[1Melanie]

So sorry for your circumstances. You can never depend on others in times like this. Many people are uncomfortable dealing with illness and end of life issues. There is nothing that make folks feel more helpless than seeing someone they love struggle with major health issues. Rather than participate, they often withdraw from the situation until the inevitable happens.
Does your Moms medical insurance pay for respite care or home health visits? If it does, take advantage of it. Sometimes a referral is needed from the primary health care provider.
I’m assuming you’re her appointed advocate. If so, talk to her health care provider. Sometimes they don’t know what’s going on because their patients can’t always communicate how they are really feeling or thinking. Recently, I watched my Mom struggling with an illness. She would tell me things she wouldn’t tell her doctor.
When the doctor asked questions, she responded to the question but would not offer feelings or opinions. I did that. Once the doctor understood what was really going on with my Mom, they moved mountains to get her the home care she needed.
We got a call and a few days later a nurse appeared to do an assessment, got the needed equipment delivered to her home to make what time she had left more comfortable.
Call your family members to keep them informed of any changes. Don’t wait for them to call you. In a grave situation, many people become tongue tied and don’t know what to say so keeping conversations informative and short is best.
Keep your own stress to a minimum. Perhaps delaying a new job search might be better. What happens if you do get a new job right now? It will only add to the stress. Does your present employer have any kind of benefits to get through times like this? Do they have the ability to ask for shared leave from co-workers? It wouldn’t hurt to ask.
It feels like it will be forever but it won’t. If your mom is no longer able to care for herself, would she and you be willing to look at an assisted living facility? They are no longer the “old folks” homes from yesteryear. Many of them are resort like facilities complete with gourmet meals, activities, entertainment etc. Go tour one of them. Many of them have luncheon tours so you and she can sample a meal while checking out the facility.
I wish you well. Trust that things will work out. Take some deep breaths and remember to take care of you too.

Try this website: https://www.caring.com/senior-living/assisted-living/california/los-angeles

 

[VacationForever]

You can find privately-paid-for care manager services to supplement for when you cannot be there. Have it be paid out of your mother's funds, assuming you have POA. They will take notes, talk to doctors and provide you with regular updates. They can be very helpful with even helping to diagnose issues. They are often RNs. All the best to you. Sending you big HUGS!

 

[heathpack]

@1Melanie she is post op, currently in the hospital. I have been there 3-5 hours per day, every day.

She was prior to surgery living in independent living in a continuing care community. It is an option for her to go into assisted living or skilled nursing once she gets out.

ABSOLUTELY NOT will I track down my POS relatives to keep them informed. They are adults and know she is sick And they know how to get in touch with me. I am keeping in daily contact with Moms friends and friends of the family who actually do care about her and me. It’s a lot of communication already and NO WAY am I going even more above and beyond for folks who can’t bother to inquire or show even the tiniest modicum of concern.

What would I do if I got a new job? I would sell my house and move closer to my Mom, which would make it overall easier to see her, if she makes it out of the hospital. Obviously logistics are going to prevent that right now. But I started this process in December as it is. Me switching jobs and moving is in the best of times a 8-10 month process. Delaying the search just extends a very long process even further. It is now delayed because there is no choice but the consequences of delay are not trivial.

 

[1Melanie]

@1Melanie she is post op, currently in the hospital. I have been there 3-5 hours per day, every day.

She was prior to surgery living in independent living in a continuing care community. It is an option for her to go into assisted living or skilled nursing once she gets out.

ABSOLUTELY NOT will I track down my POS relatives to keep them informed. They are adults and know she is sick And they know how to get in touch with me. I am keeping in daily contact with Moms friends and friends of the family who actually do care about her and me. It’s a lot of communication already and NO WAY am I going even more above and beyond for folks who can’t bother to inquire or show even the tiniest modicum of concern.

What would I do if I got a new job? I would sell my house and move closer to my Mom, which would make it overall easier to see her, if she makes it out of the hospital. Obviously logistics are going to prevent that right now. But I started this process in December as it is. Me switching jobs and moving is in the best of times a 8-10 month process. Delaying the search just extends a very long process even further. It is now delayed because there is no choice but the consequences of delay are not trivial.

I get it. It’s sad when you can’t even get moral support from family. We all have family members like that.
I took two months away from home in WA to go “home” to my parents in Hawaii. During my stay I got their yard in shape, deep cleaned their house, went to/from numerous Dr’s appointments with Mom where I got to have the needed conversations with her Drs. I made sure everything that Mom wanted done got done.
All these things could have been done by my brothers but they could not see the forest for the trees. When I asked for help all I got were excuses why they couldn’t do it. One brother came from outer Island and actually did what I asked him to do.
Fortunately for me, I am retired and my husband is self sufficient and could take care of himself in my absence. My brothers were there but not too useful. They kind of got in the way more than anything. Grandchildren came out of the woodwork to say final goodbyes, however, extended family members were nowhere to be found because of the discomfort level. I am not in a position to up and move back to Hawaii, nor do I want to. Mom is gone now, so it’s pointless. I’m trying to get Dad move in with me or go to an Assisted living facility because, once again, my brothers are clueless. They think he’s ok in is home but is at the stage where he isn’t really. I try to manage his situation the best I can from home and will be heading back in a few weeks to check on him.
My husband and son are in the moving business. There’s a drastic shortage of truck drivers and all associated personnel. Moves are booked out for months. Real estate market not too good for selling right now unless you want to take a loss.
I feel for you. Heads up! You will get through this. You go girl!!

 

[Patri]

My sympathies on all the trouble that has fallen onto your shoulders. I agree, you don’t need to contact the relatives. Some of them must be pretty old, but the younger may feel it is not their call to make any decisions. They see you as strong. And you are. The relatives don’t realize even strong people need support. They never get it until they are in your shoes, and someday they will be.
I’ve seen this with my DHs relatives, and it has been eight years since his stroke. He has declined steadily. In retrospect I am amazed what I have accomplished, one task at a time. You will manage, too. And shine.
Maybe it is okay to let the boss know you are job hunting to be closer to your mom?
Some days stink and others are pretty good. You will get everything done that Mom needs. She is lucky to have you.

 

[b2bailey]

Upon first read, my response was similar to another's.
First thought -- separate the two struggles -- Mother's health and your employment status. They are tangled together.

Is Mr. Heathpack employed or retired?

I don't know your age , but understand you have the desire for a new position.
Since this will be a significant change, it deserves your complete focus. You cannot give the full attention required until you are confident she will be well cared for.

As an example of your 'tangled' thinking, you wrote that you might consider a new position to be closer to your mom. Would that mean uprooting your husband? To an outsider (me and possibly other Tuggers here) that sounds like a ridiculous idea. (Forgive my bluntness, please.)

I'm thinking your job in CA would be protected by Family Leave to care for your mom.

I won't address your homesickness for husband and dogs. Nothing can be done on that front.

The final note is your frustration with others. For the past year I've been between my daughter and son as they each faced the pending death of their father. Daughter was diligent. Son refused to visit -- not once in a year. I felt son was making a mistake that would catch up with him later in life. Tried to convince him.

Now, they are engaged in an inheritance battle.
Daughter is Executor.
Daughter is furious that her brother is to inherit equally.
I'm trying to stay out of it. (This was my ex-husband, so no share for me.)

Last pitch regarding your employment.
I'm assuming your monthly expenses can be covered for now.
Let your next job search be joyful and worry free as you seek to discover what this next season holds for you.

Blessings,
Bonnie

 

[MULTIZ321]

Hi Heathpack,

I think you know that your Tug Community supprts you and cares about your travails. Many of us are sending you hugs and prayers.

Your Mom has a wonderful, loving daughter in you! You are an inspiration to us. Stay strong!

Richard

 

[Tia]

Sorry your going through this rough patch.

It's telling the behavior when the chips are down who comes to your aid emotionally or otherwise. When my mother was still alive, memory care last 4-5 yrs, she got few visitors . My sister visited nearly daily for 3 years but her adult son, my nephew and his teenage dtrs were MIA. My mother raised these two girls since infant/toddler age and she let them all live with her for FREE, approx 3 years while nephew paid off his substantial debt. They all lived in the same small town. I lived over 1000 miles away working. I called called both my sister and my mother fairly often. I also took vacation time and would visit. A couple times I took FMLA to go back when there was a medical problem w/Mom. Mom always said 'oh they are busy' living their lives hmmmm. The last year Mom was alive I went back to see her 3 times for a couple weeks each, I had just quit work so was free tho poorer ($)

When Mom passed it was my sister, her husband and his son who move all Mom's things out her room , not the grown nephew who had been helped so much in the past. Mom took ill on 12/24 died on 12/25/22, they chose to clean out Mom's room 12/26 and there was a major snow storm so no way could I get back in time to help for any of it. Nephew and his dtrs did not go visit Mom when she spent her last hours in a hospital 8 miles away. You do know who my sister was mad at don't you? Me

 

[heathpack]

@b2bailey

Hmm, the job search has been underway for months now and one interview has already been completed. It predates my mother’s fall, so it is not a byproduct of disordered thinking. Mom had a stroke last summer, and it would be easier to keep an eye on her if we lived closer. The wheels have been in motion since Dec to start that process. Because of the nature of my job, switching employers is a lengthy process. I’m pretty sure that its not super uncommon for people to move closer to family when the family ages. I‘m surprised that this seems super unusual to you.

It’s also surprising to me that you think it’s ridiculous for a husband and wife to move together when there is a job change. That is actually the norm IMO as opposed to being ridiculous.

Mr. H is a househusband of 25 years now.

Yes my job is protected by the Family Medical Leave Act. The FMLA does not require an employer to PAY you when you’re on leave. All it requires is that they not fire you. Note that I have expressed zero concern about being fired. However, I am losing a significant chunk of income by being away on leave. Yes we can cover the expense. It does make it harder to use the “nuclear option” though- by “nuclear option” I mean quitting first to free up interview time, then taking a job. Obviously the job search in my field takes a long time, we have plenty of savings but will have already used a months savings being off on leave.

 

[heathpack]

My sympathies on all the trouble that has fallen onto your shoulders. I agree, you don’t need to contact the relatives. Some of them must be pretty old, but the younger may feel it is not their call to make any decisions. They see you as strong. And you are. The relatives don’t realize even strong people need support. They never get it until they are in your shoes, and someday they will be.
I’ve seen this with my DHs relatives, and it has been eight years since his stroke. He has declined steadily. In retrospect I am amazed what I have accomplished, one task at a time. You will manage, too. And shine.
Maybe it is okay to let the boss know you are job hunting to be closer to your mom?
Some days stink and others are pretty good. You will get everything done that Mom needs. She is lucky to have you.

The issue with me announcing I might leave is that it might induce others to leave first. I don’t want the department that I built over 15 years to fall apart needlessly. The truth is that it might fall apart if I leave. But we have some folks in training programs that would be really really hurt if the department crumbles. I have the ability to negotiate for bringing trainees with me if I take a faculty position.

However if any of my colleagues left, they would not be looking at faculty positions meaning our trainees could get screwed. I need to look for a new job on the down low if at all possible because I will do it in a way that protects the people below me. Not because I’m a better person but rather because I carry a little more weight professionally than my younger colleagues.

So it’s just a tricky delicate thing. I shouldn’t be posting about it on TUG. But I just reached my limit today.

 

[VacationForever]

I’m pretty sure that its not super uncommon for people to move closer to family when the family ages. I‘m surprised that this seems super unusual to you.


It’s also surprising to me that you think it’s ridiculous for a husband and wife to move together when there is a job change. That is actually the norm IMO as opposed to being ridiculous.

 

[b2bailey]

@b2bailey

I’m pretty sure that its not super uncommon for people to move closer to family when the family ages. I‘m surprised that this seems super unusual to you.

I'm not intending to be contrarian here.
But, I would disagree with your statement.

Do parents relocate to be closer to Grandchildren -- certainly.
(My bff and her husband recently relocated from San Diego to be close to their only 2 grandchildren -- when their only son moved to Tennessee.)

Do adult children move their parents to their area to be closer? Yes, often.

Do adult children move into parents home as a temporary solution for caregiving? Yes.

But uprooting and relocating to be close to elderly, ailing parents?
I'd say this most often happens when adult children have a desire to establish residency in that particular area.

For example, mamy years ago, my husband was failing at his job search in CA.
We owned a house in Atlanta that was being rented out.
His father lived in Northern Florida.
I proposed we move back to Atlanta to be closer to his father.
As the oldest, responsible son, I figured my guy would carry the weight when the time came.We moved.
3 years later my husband died of brain cancer.
His father lived on for 5 more years, spending his last days in a SNF.
(Skilled nursing facility.)
I returned to California.

It really is difficult to live elsewhere after spending a lot of time in CA.
(And maybe that is the actual root of this rant.)

Would I want either of my children to relocate close to me to care for me?
No.
Would I move closer to them? Perhaps.

 

[sue1947]

I am keeping in daily contact with Moms friends and friends of the family who actually do care about her and me.

Can you ask one of these folks to organize a visiting schedule that might free you up to focus on the job search? I belong to a club that, when a member needs help, sends out an email to rally the troops for meal prep/rides to the doctor/visitation or whatever is needed. They won't replace all of your time, but maybe enough to help with the stress or when you have to return to CA?

 

[b2bailey]

Definitely did not express my thought correctly, if this is what you read...

"It’s also surprising to me that you think it’s ridiculous for a husband and wife to move together when there is a job change. That is actually the norm IMO as opposed to being ridiculous."


I was only asking if husband would need to leave a stable career to relocate.
(Yes, I am aware husbands do leave jobs for the wife.)
My concern was that he would be left behind in sunny California.

 

[heathpack]

Definitely did not express my thought correctly, if this is what you read...

"It’s also surprising to me that you think it’s ridiculous for a husband and wife to move together when there is a job change. That is actually the norm IMO as opposed to being ridiculous."


I was only asking if husband would need to leave a stable career to relocate.
(Yes, I am aware husbands do leave jobs for the wife.)
My concern was that he would be left behind in sunny California.

You literally said “Would that mean uprooting your husband? To an outsider (me and possibly other Tuggers here) that sounds like a ridiculous idea.”

Yes, if I move, my husband moves. So he is “uprooted”. I still do not understand how that sounds “ridiculous“. It is what couples do when one of them changes jobs. I’m a little speachless as to how this seems abnormal to you. It’s something that probably happens thousands of times every day.

 

[easyrider]

But I needed to get some of that off my chest.

We are happy to listen. With a bit of luck, everything may turn out better than you think right now.

Good Luck

Bill

 

[LannyPC]

This must be tough going through. You and your Mom look and sound like ones who can "take a licking but keep on ticking". Keep up the fight and the good work.

 

[DaveNV]

So sorry to hear all of this. No words to make it better, but a major virtual hug. Hang in there. You'll get through this.

Dave

 

[Patri]

Wow, you are very conscientious. Your employer has a gem on board. I really hope everything works out just right.

 

[Glynda]

As a caregiver to my mother, who lives with us, I understand the frustration when those who should care, don't. Our daughter lives near but in the 10 years my mother has lived here, not once has she asked if she could help. Not once has she just decided on her own to stop by to spend time with her grandmother. We see her briefly on holidays or if she wants something. And she inherits the major part of mother's estate!

It is what it is. It's not worth the time or stress to dwell on it.

I think you are right to turn to your mother's friends who really show that they care and not waste your effort on those who don't.

Hoping for the best for your mother and you!

 

[JudyH]

It’s just the way it is. Some of us are natural caregivers, me, you….others never are. I was the one to taken care of my dying mother when I was 21, my in-laws thru their illnesses, and my father although he had paid help daily. This with my career as a Ph.D. Level social worker. Must be in my blood, I still take care of neighbors, strangers, and on the ‘caring’ committee at my temple.
The folks who don’t offer would do a lousy job anyway. Go with your mother’s friends if possible. And enlist the help of some senior social workers.