Death Cleaning - Does It Bring You Joy?

[Passepartout]

My own mother went from (Over the course of about 15 years):

• A massive single family home to a condo so purge #1 occurred at that point.
• Condo into independent living in a "senior campus" - really nothing purged at that point. Yet, I'd be at her house and think "Mom, you have enough serveware to host a small state dinner".
• Independent living into assisted living - at this point she had dementia so us kids had to rid 90% of her possessions. Very weird and challenging to do. She wasn't completely out of it, so incredibly difficult to have her seeing what we were doing. It felt "wrong" in many ways to be getting rid of her things while she was alive.
• Then assisted living into skilled nursing. The remainder of her furniture went away and just a few personal items and pictures moved with her to her last spot.
• My mom passed away in January. The blessing of her passing is that we weren't staring at a house filled with "stuff" that we had to deal with , while mourning. The shocking part of that day is that the nursing home told us to have her room cleaned out within hours of her passing. Harsh.

It was a lot like your Mom's progression as I was my mom's primary caregiver through her transition too.

Good to find an ear on TUG of others who've walked the walk.

Jim

 

[DaveNV]

The shocking part of that day is that the nursing home told us to have her room cleaned out within hours of her passing. Harsh.

Sorry for your loss, Laura. Losing a parent is never easy. The reality that you're now an orphan hits hard.

The nursing home telling you to have her things cleared out pronto sounds very typical. But theoretically, if her rent was paid through the end of that month, you should have had some time.

Dave

 

[Cornell]

Sorry for your loss, Laura. Losing a parent is never easy. The reality that you're now an orphan hits hard.

The nursing home telling you to have her things cleared out pronto sounds very typical. But theoretically, if her rent was paid through the end of that month, you should have had some time.

Dave

Thank you. It was all a blur. Fortunately there are 5 of us kids so we were able to to what the nursing home wanted!

 

[WinniWoman]

This is how I roll. I hate "stuff". It holds you back (for instance, I have an uncle who hates where he lives but won't move b/c he's overwhelmed by his stuff). It takes time and money to deal with. Why burden your kids with this? And I don't need all kinds of sentimental items from my parents / grandparents to remind me of them. I have my memories. I have kept a few , select items that I find really beautiful but that's it. America is just filled with self-service storage facilities. We have too much stuff. I make it a rule to get of of something when I bring a new object into my home.

I wasn't aware of this show and I plan on watching it now!

This is me. Unfortunately not my husband.

But we do live pretty simply and as much as we downsized I just got rid of even more things during my spring cleaning.

 

[WinniWoman]

Wedding dresses: I would advise any bride to sell their dress IMMEDIATELY after the wedding when it's still in style and has value. The chances of that dress being worn in the future are very, very low. Not worth storing, moving , etc.

I threw mine out! lol!

 

[nomoretslt]

I got rid of my wedding gown when we sold the house 3 years ago. To this day I regret it. My daughter had no intention of ever wearing it, but I could have reworked it for a christening gown. lots of satin and lace. Oh well, we still have the family christening gown my brother wore in 1953, then my sister in 1954, Me in 1956. My son in 1983, my daughter in 1986.
There used to be something called freecycle.com. Some of us don’t do Facebook. We used it a lot when moving. You post it, then someone contacts you privately for pickup. Better than filling up the landfill.

I also have a nice collection of Department 56 New England Village. And Hummels and German beer steins that my uncle shipped from Germany in the 50’s when he was stationed there. Nobody wants my Hummels.

@Cornell sorry to hear about your mom. I remember the difficulties you were going thru, especially during the lockdowns.
My mom was the opposite of her mom who was kind of a collector, not quite a hoarder. One day my mom asked me to go up into the attic because there was some stuff up there that she wasn’t using and wanted to get rid of. Imagine my relief when the only item up there was a set of luggage.
she was a minimalist before it was a “thing”.

 

[nomoretslt]

Shrug. I own a couple of 6 inch e-book readers. (primary and back-up). On them are 3000+ books, and the compete MAD magazine run. I need a USB charger for my electronics, as well.

I can read whatever I like, whenever I like, wherever I like, at a drop of a hat. Just finished Captain Blood, by Sabatini (1922) last night. Good pirate yarn. Public Domain = free. Chips cost peanuts, nowadays. If my heirs aren't interested, shrug, shred the chip or just reformat it.

Where would I find the MAD magazine run? I tossed my deceased brothers collection when we were moving….pages were torn, filled with dust mites. MAD magazine was the most hilarious magazine ever. I can still recall many of the cartoons and strips (the lighter side, spy vs sly). Harry Reasonable‘s Gray paper. Would love to have a digitalized version.

 

[CO skier]

Recently de-cluttered from 40 years of accumulated crap that could not be given away (Local Goodwill no longer takes furniture) to what easily fits in a 5x10 storage locker -- and still sorting/downsizing from that. Zero joy over the 18-month process; it was a total pita time pit. Maybe $800 reward from the two yard sales, the gift cards, and cash in envelopes that I found going through things with a fine tooth comb.

Some satisfaction in that I dealt with it and my kids will not have to deal with it at some future date. The storage locker can be sorted and emptied in an afternoon. Now I live full-time in fully furnished timeshare condos. Free, free at last!

 

[ScoopKona]

Where would I find the MAD magazine run?

The entire collection is on the Internet Archive. In fact, this is where I go first whenever I learn about an interesting book. More often than not, it's there and free.

Mad Magazine Collection 1-100 : Hybrid Philosophy Collection : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

Part 1 of 5 of the now sadly defunct Mad Magazine which taught me humor, satire, and laughter which was very valuable to me during some very difficult teenage...

archive.org

 

[Ralph Sir Edward]

Where would I find the MAD magazine run? I tossed my deceased brothers collection when we were moving….pages were torn, filled with dust mites. MAD magazine was the most hilarious magazine ever. I can still recall many of the cartoons and strips (the lighter side, spy vs sly). Harry Reasonable‘s Gray paper. Would love to have a digitalized version.

Search for MAD magazine and Internet Archive. They are in CBR format. Hopefully your e-reader can handle CBR format.

Some of the best pieces of wisdom I ever got was from Dave Berg's Lighter Side Of. . .

 

[CO skier]

• My mom passed away in January. The blessing of her passing is that we weren't staring at a house filled with "stuff" that we had to deal with , while mourning. The shocking part of that day is that the nursing home told us to have her room cleaned out within hours of her passing. Harsh.

I am sure the nursing home has dealt with families that do not want to pay for more than a day of care than they need to. Were you paying day-to-day or month-to-month? If it was month-to-month paid in advance, then you obviously had the rest of the month to vacate. Some families might want a "refund" of a prorated share of a pre-paid monthly payment. Maybe the nursing home was just informing you of their "refund" policy.

 

[JudyH]

After having to clean out both sets of parents houses, where 95% got tossed or donated, we downsized to FL. Luckily my son bought our house so he got the tools and tractor. Thousands of books given to the Smith College book sale held yearly and gave all the professional books to someone studying to pass their Boards.
My Fl house is a lot of uncluttered open space. Hardly anything we rarely use.

 

[Talent312]

Half the stuff in my garage would qualify for a
garage-sale. Except that DW wouldn't allow it.
... Like boxes of unused leftover tile.
"But we might need them someday." Huh?

 

[AnnaS]

We had to clean out both set of parents' home. With my mom's home, we split many things between us 5 siblings (6/one passed young). So many beautiful and new things from Italy. She also saved many things for "some day", "special occasion", hand made, etc. My brother held a yard sale early on but we still had so much so we donated most of everything. I do use a few things here and there but most of the items went in the attic (with our own stuff). We have cleaned up our own things here and there but still have way too much in the attic. One day our own kids will clean up/keep/give away. I still have my wedding gown.

We recently bought a new shed so many tools were given away. We had cement work in the yard and front two years ago. My husband gave away many tools to the men working and a few things to my sons/daughter. How many hammers and drills can one have/need?

My in-law's home - more or less the same. We also intended to have a yard sale but after keeping the boxes in the shed for over a year, we donated them. We kept a few items for sentimental reasons.

@Cornell - sorry about your mom. Orphan is exactly how I feel. Without them, I feel I belong to no one if that makes any sense.

 

[Sandi Bo]

So when my Dad passed away, I had his and my step-mother's house in Panama City, Florida (plus 2 rental homes) to deal with. Filled to the brim. That cartoon of 'someday this will all be yours' - yup, that's me. I also now have my step-mother up here in Nebraska (this is where she is from and where she wanted to be). She is now in independent living (probably ready for assisted). She had a house up here, too. The easiest thing I did was to sell one of the FL houses to the tenant. Thank goodness, for that house I did nothing as far as possessions or fixing things or anything. As is - and sold. I tried to do that with his 2nd rental down there, nope, still have it with tenants. And still looking for an honest, reliable, handy man in Panama City, if anyone knows of anyone!

I couldn't get my step-mother to go down and go through things. Over a year later Hurricane Michael hit. Then I had a house full to the brim with stuff with significant damage, a leaky roof, some water came in, etc. So I went down and did not take my step-mother. I will never hear the end of it. Had I taken her, I would still be there. I did bring back things she told me she wanted. I would call and ask - do you want this or that or whatever. As a result, she lives in a 2 bedroom independent living facility. 2nd bedroom is all the boxes I brought back (5 years ago or so now)? Her master bedroom has her bed and then more boxes. She has a few things in a storage locker there. What a shame to have all that clutter. But her choice. And for me, meh, it won't be too hard to get rid of the rest of it. It was an interesting exercise. Not one I would wish on anyone. But because of Michael, anything could go to the curb. Because of Michael I could donate things you wouldn't normally be able to. Yup hoarders (that is where I get it). My step-mother sold Avon and had some very nice lotions and such that I was able to donate and I'm sure were appreciated by the recipients. We replaced the carpet and I took some of the old carpet to someone living in a tent in someone's backyard. Michael provided some unique opportunities. And extremely, extremely, lucky to have a brother-in-law that is a handyman. He went to FL for 2 months and basically flipped the house for me - but did an amazing job - cares about doing things right. The house sold (by owner) immediately (I wanted to try one weekend before listing it). I was very fortunate. That and 4 siblings - we all went down for a week. One brother went multiple times with me. He has a camper we could stay in after the hurricane. I had a lot of help.

So as my father's keeper, so to speak, I have sold a car, a van, a camper, 3 houses, and still have a rental and a step-mother to deal with Oh, and timeshares, I have timeshares now. That's why I am here

My mother is in a memory care unit (in Massachusetts). She was incredibly organized. She had gone through, and given us, things she thought we'd want ( can't say I do but... letters I wrote here when in college, etc). Still everything has been gone thorough as part of her moving process. My sisters probably overly careful, but tried really hard to be sure things went to people that wanted them or they should go to, etc, My brother's little wicker rocking chair is stored at my sisters. Everyone agrees it should go to him. I am sure it never will. He lives in California. His grandkids (out there) are now 4 and 7. He's been home multiple times and hasn't taken it yet. He did take a 'recreation' picture of his grand-daughter in it just like a picture of him he has. @Cornell , I know what you mean about dividing things up while someone is still present. First, sorry to hear about your mother. Awkward, hard, and everything in between. Somethings I told my Mom what I was taking (very few, but for example she needlepointed 'a boy, a girl, and an angel' hummel picture and everyone agreed it was meant for my daughter - I wanted her to know my daughter had it), other things I have stored and will give to my kids after she passes. Very very weird feelings on the overall process. My mother has to give 30 days notice, even when she passes. I guess we'll be thankful when the time comes. Clearing out in just a few days would be hard and harsh (and would, once again, place most of the burden on my local sisters).

All in all - came back from visits to FL and MA resolved to clean up after myself (and I have yet to do so - shame shame on me).

 

[Cornell]

@Sandi Bo I'm exhausted reading this. That's a lot.

 

[ScoopKona]

my step-mother's house in Panama City, Florida (plus 2 rental homes) to deal with. Filled to the brim.

It's a very common human condition -- hard-wired into our brains to collect and hoard stuff. The people who fill houses to the brim also pack the kitchen sink if they ever go on vacation. "I might need that!"

The mechanism which allows them to spiral out of control, having entire rooms full of old newspapers -- we should study that.

 

[Cornell]

It's a very common human condition -- hard-wired into our brains to collect and hoard stuff. The people who fill houses to the brim also pack the kitchen sink if they ever go on vacation. "I might need that!"

The mechanism which allows them to spiral out of control, having entire rooms full of old newspapers -- we should study that.

Actually many people who do this (newspapers, etc) are doing it b/c mental decline and a loss of executive function.

 

[ScoopKona]

Actually many people who do this (newspapers, etc) are doing it b/c mental decline and a loss of executive function.

And many do this for most of their lives -- whether they suffer from refugee syndrome, or just an acute case of "I might need that someday."

Suggest that people don't actually need these things -- or don't need to pack 100 pounds of stuff to go on a one-week vacation -- and they'll pull the kind of mental defense mechanisms usually reserved for religion and politics.

"Of COURSE I need to bring a tuxedo to Disneyworld! What if I need it?"

These same people have a garage that no car will ever see the inside of.

 

[joestein]

By us, a lot of people have estate sales - they are various companies who will sell everything for a generous cut of the proceeds. But it is simple for the homeower.

 

[Cornell]

By us, a lot of people have estate sales - they are various companies who will sell everything for a generous cut of the proceeds. But it is simple for the homeower.

You can even hire a company who will buy a house "as is" -- filled to the brim w/contents.

 

[linsj]

You can even hire a company who will buy a house "as is" -- filled to the brim w/contents.

Really? I might need this when my stepmother dies. I have no interest in sorting through her stuff, including enough canned and frozen goods to fill a small grocery store. A few years ago, my sister finally talked her into selling a LOT of collectible stuff she bought from a so-called friend's antique store--tens of thousands of worthless goods sold by some auction company that specializes in this stuff (mostly ebay sellers who bought it for almost nothing) and cleared $200 on. Might as well have had "sucker" pasted on her forehead.

 

[geist1223]

"Of COURSE I need to bring a tuxedo to Disneyworld! What if I need it?"

I sometimes do travel with a Tuxedo. But only when I have plans to wear it during the trip. Such as 10th Wedding Anniversary at Restaurant we had our Wedding Dinner. Morton's in Las Vegas for Thanksgiving. They actually came over and thanked us for Honoring their establishment. I do not travel and wear the typical low packing low class disrespectful typical USA clothing. When we visited the Hindu Temple in Fiji we were the only tourist not required to borrow Robes to enter the Temple.

 

[dago]

By us, a lot of people have estate sales - they are various companies who will sell everything for a generous cut of the proceeds. But it is simple for the homeower.

I hired a company to do an estate sale when I sold my home in 2021. I was not happy with the results. Very little sold, and I accomplished nothing. I suppose I just hired the wrong company.

 

[rickandcindy23]

A friend of a friend has a estate sale company and sells/ donates everything in the house. We used that service when Rick's stepmom died in July of 2020. She was a packrat, but she was 92 and unable to do anything with it. All total, her "treasures" brought in about $16,000, we got half of that. It was better than we could have done. There are companies that will do that for you. They empty the house completely. I took a few cleaners and photo albums out. Most of the photos are of Rick's dad and stepmom on cruises and on vacations. They had a timeshare in Breck that they loved. I still have not gotten rid of those albums, but no one wants them, so they will likely go to the garbage dumpster. Most don't have them in the pictures. I never have understood why people take pictures of anything without people in the foreground. Please tell me what's up with that?

My guilty pleasure is my china, which belonged to my grandma on my dad's side of the family. The china was easily matched on ebay, so I made sure I had enough of that pattern to add about 12 more place settings. We are now 16 people, so it was not a bad plan; however, it's a huge bunch of dishes, unnecessary pieces I should not have purchased (how many cups/ saucers do you really need). I could easily sit 24 at dinner. My thinking in the 1990's was that our family would grow and that some would get broken. I have yet to break a single dish. I also have Princess House crystal to go with it, and not just glasses, but an entire array of various pieces that I still love, but those things are not used much at all, nor is the china. I will keep them for now.

My mom has one of the Royal Doulton patterns with a huge number of place settings. She died almost 20 years ago. I do not want her china. My stepdad has it labeled for me. Nope. My great grandfather had a cabinet made in the 1800's for my great grandmother that my mom has. None of grandma's kids wants that, and it's beautiful. My mom has it. It's solid oak, has old mirror in the top of it, but it's not valuable to anyone. Grandma had four kids and dozens of grandkids and great-grandkids. Not one of them wants that cabinet.