[ 2012 ] Adult children who won't grow up.

[LynnMarie828]

Anyone have an adult child that doesn't seem to get the idea of responsibility in the real world? In other words, ___won't grow up. We have been helping to raise our 2 year old grandson since he was 7 days old. And that is just part of this "she doesn't get it!" situation.

 

[natasha5687]

It's truly unfortuante that many grandparents get stuck raising their grandchildren because their adult children refuse to grow up. I'm in my early 30's but have had to distance myself from some friends for this same exact reason. What I have found is that most times the parents have a really hard time putting a foot down and when they attempt to it seems as if the words/actions fall on deaf ears. To further complicate a difficult situation, grandparents develop really tight bonds and attachments to the grand kids. It's almost like a catch 22! I think the first thing you have to understand is that if you allow it to continue, it will continue. The next thing is that you are going to have to stand firm, even if you havent stood your ground prior. Do not be intimidated because once you turn the tables and are ready to stand firm, you are going to be perceived as the bad guy (you arent). Another thing I have seen/found is that addictions, negative influences, and/or emotional instability is usually the culprit. Dont be afraid to explore these especially if you suspect that any of the above are factors. Hopefully you child will not threaten to not allow you to see your grandchild but be prepared for it and dont let that stop you from standing firm. You have built an unbreakable bond with your grandchild and nobody will be able to come in between you...more often than not it's just talk out of anger. Last but not least, you cannot enable and expect change. If you babysit so your child can go out STOP. If you financially support your child STOP. You want your adult child to grow up but you cant want something for someone more than they do! Change comes from within!

 

[vacationhopeful]

You are the enabler. Change what you are doing. That is the ONLY person who you can change, is YOURSELF.

If you want her to raise the grandkid, go get a job and NOT be available. If she is going out for the evening, leave first. Empty the house of food - after all you have money, to buy food for yourself. Cancel the cable and her cell phones. Disconnect the landline and internet (the library). Have no soap for the clothes washer machine. If you have a car you are letting her drive, SELL IT. Do not insure her car under your policy.

Why should she grow up? Because she had a baby you are raising?

Put the house up for sale and MOVE to a over 55 community which restricts the number of nights visitors under 18 can stay over.

Yes there are a number of things you can and should do. Never said it was going to be pleasant removing adult leeches.

 

[ronparise]

I knew my wife and I had done a good job when, after our daughter graduated from college we suggested she might come back home until she found a job and a place of her own......her answer...I dont want to live with you people

I know an 83 year old woman that has her two 50 yo sons still living at home, one with a wife,..no rent is being paid, Their Mom is their sole support..

I blame the Mom as much as the sons for this sad situation

 

[pjrose]

My 19 year old thinks she is grown up and wants to be on her own and wants to get pregnant. She doesn't "get" that she needs to be able to support herself before she thinks of supporting a child. She has medical issues, hasn't finished school, and might not be about to get or keep a job due to the medical issues. She doesn't "get" that even if she does have a job, who's going to care for the child while she's working? She doesn't "get" that what she wants isn't the most important thing, the child is.

She sees friends and acquaintances with babies, usually without husbands, and somehow they manage and the babies are so cute....but she doesn't see the struggles and bills and crummy jobs.

 

[Passepartout]

We see waaaay too many of these situations. DW is a family law attorney, so deals with grandparents raising children, adult kids on drugs (usually meth) and functionally disabled. I agree on one level about 'enabling', but you can't turn your back and watch innocent kids who have no part in their parents' illness (that's what it is) suffer and fall behind. There a hundred levels at which this situation is just plain wrong!

All the best to you LynnMarie for stepping up.

Jim Ricks

 

[ampaholic]

You are the enabler. Change what you are doing. That is the ONLY person who you can change, is YOURSELF.

If you want her to raise the grandkid, go get a job and NOT be available. If she is going out for the evening, leave first. Empty the house of food - after all you have money, to buy food for yourself. Cancel the cable and her cell phones. Disconnect the landline and internet (the library). Have no soap for the clothes washer machine. If you have a car you are letting her drive, SELL IT. Do not insure her car under your policy.

Why should she grow up? Because she had a baby you are raising?

Put the house up for sale and MOVE to a over 55 community which restricts the number of nights visitors under 18 can stay over.

Yes there are a number of things you can and should do. Never said it was going to be pleasant removing adult leeches.

Is this what you did to your kids?

I'm not saying it's wrong or right - I just want to understand the background.

 

[geekette]

You don't mention how old she is, if she is in school or working, or what her deal is beyond her pawningoff the baby. Doesn't really matter. that is appalling in itself. unless she is on drugs, in which case it's best that you have the baby. But I don't get the sense that your daughter is on drugs. Prob'ly just immature and irresponsible.

You're getting a big wallop of tough love, so I hope you are hanging tough. Maybe you already knew you had to quit being so darned supportive?

The thing is, you did your job, you raised your kids. They need to take it from there. So you really do have to do the tough love thing.

If she calls you for help in the advisory way ("Mom, what's the best way to clean the sippy cups when they get gooey?") you of course offer your wisdom, because that is your role as mother.

As grandmother, you get to visit with the kids, spoil them rotten, and hand them back to their parents. She should be his main provider of Everything. Not that you can't help, Some, but do less than you are now. WAAAAY less.

You don't have to be brutal, you can taper off. I get the feeling that you are quite warm-hearted and couldn't go cold turkey because you know how hard it will be for her. Tough crap for her. Raising kids IS hard, and she had better learn that NOW. You don' tplan to raise the child and his mother for the next 16 years do you?

Turn the tables, gently if you must. But get to the point where you call her when you want to see him/them vs providing care for the child on a regular basis.

She does need to figure it out for herself, so start making tracks in the other direction. more vacations, more hobbies, more time to yourself. you have earned that. Do not allow her to monopolize your time. You have nothing to feel guilty about. It's on her to honor her responsibilities.

Consider family counselling so she can learn from an objective observer that she is not acting like a mature adult and certainly not like the mother her son needs. And maybe she will continue counselling on her own as she finds out it isn't so easy to be an adult.

Good luck!

 

[vacationhopeful]

Is this what you did to your kids?

I'm not saying it's wrong or right - I just want to understand the background.

No, but I have dealt with alcoholics and druggies in my business and personal life. And as I tell people who ask, my job is to make people homeless. Otherwise, I am just a bookkeeper and file clerk.

OP is unhappy and wants the adult child to grow up and change.

As Passepartout posted, there are legal means to assure that a grandchild gets a better life from a caring and mature family member.

But until OP realizes that SHE has to change first and be strong about it, her adult child will see NO REASON to change her life or to be a parent.

How does that prayer go? Give me the strength to change what I can, the knowledge to know what I can not change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

[gpurtz]

Until a person is forced to bear the consequences of a poor decision, he/she will continue to make poor decisions.

 

[ampaholic]

No, but I have dealt with alcoholics and druggies in my business and personal life. And as I tell people who ask, my job is to make people homeless. Otherwise, I am just a bookkeeper and file clerk.

OP is unhappy and wants the adult child to grow up and change.

As Passepartout posted, there are legal means to assure that a grandchild gets a better life from a caring and mature family member.

But until OP realizes that SHE has to change first and be strong about it, her adult child will see NO REASON to change her life or to be a parent.

How does that prayer go? Give me the strength to change what I can, the knowledge to know what I can not change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I think solving this has a lot to do with compassion, empathy and in general the ability to think yourself into another person’s shoes, if you so desire.

It also helps to get through this type of situation to work to develop and cultivate empathy.

The famous proverb might apply here: “before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes"

-or as it was best said:

“You never really know a man until you understand things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”

Harper Lee. To Kill a Mockingbird. 1960

 

[ampaholic]

I think the OP wants to retain a loving relationship with the adult child as well as get her to "grow up".

A very fine line.

- oh --- Welcome to TUG !!!!

 

[Chrisky]

Anyone have an adult child that doesn't seem to get the idea of responsibility in the real world? In other words, ___won't grow up. We have been helping to raise our 2 year old grandson since he was 7 days old. And that is just part of this "she doesn't get it!" situation.

I don't envy you one bit, but not knowing your entire situation, I think a little tough love is in order. Plus, you have to change and stop enabling your adult child. I also recommend you check out this site, they are extremely helpful women, some in your similar situation.
http://www.wisewomenunite.com/index.php

 

[Phydeaux]

Anyone have an adult child that doesn't seem to get the idea of responsibility in the real world? In other words, ___won't grow up. We have been helping to raise our 2 year old grandson since he was 7 days old. And that is just part of this "she doesn't get it!" situation.

IMHO, not enough information offered here to render an opinion or advice. There are always three sides to every story.




All I can offer is this: our children enter this world conceived and born from us. We raise them. They have no *zero* preconceived notions, prejudices, etc. etc. We do our best in raising them the best we know how, in their formative years, then turn them over to themselves.

 

[AwayWeGo]

You Typed A Mouthful.

Until a person is forced to bear the consequences of a poor decision, he/she will continue to make poor decisions.

That's about the size of it.

Trouble is, seeing the teen & adult offspring mess themselves up via bad decisions terribly grieves the hearts of the mothers & fathers.

Knowing that, the problem teens & young adults sometimes deliberately play on parental emotions in manipulative ways.

Parents sometimes respond in ways that tend to enable the kids' unacceptable immature behavior.

It is a tough situation for all involved.

Some practical guidance on the subject is available in a 1985 book titled Getting Tough On Gateway Drugs, by Robert L. Dupont MD.

Good luck.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

 

[spirits]

Dealing with manipulation

What a great community we have at TUG. I have been reading the posts and no wonder I love this forum.
I have dealt with manipulative behavior from my students all my life and they can be masters at getting what they want. This has the smell of manipulation all over it. It sounds like the daughter is using her child to get parents to do what she wants. Why not? It worked for a long time. Why work for things if you don't have to? And if both sides of the generation divide are getting their needs met that is no business of anyone else. However she is crossing the line when she uses her child as a pawn. The parents need to stop this crazy dance they are involved in. They need to educate themselves about what they can do to protect their grandchild. It is not about a spoiled child anymore. It is about a parent teaching their adult child right from wrong. Period. Nothing but nothing should trump the safety of a child. If the child is in any danger social services should be contacted. Believe me this is a cry for help. Someone needs to get some sense in this situation. If it is not the grandparents, then who will look after the grandchild? Help is there. Contact social services. They see this everyday and will give you their informed advice.

 

[geekette]

IMHO, not enough information offered here to render an opinion or advice. There are always three sides to every story.

.... We do our best in raising them the best we know how, in their formative years, then turn them over to themselves.

Agree. we don't know.

Bolded what I think is an excellent statement.

 

[dumbydee]

This is a situation I hoped to never be in... A little history

My older brother, now 56 years old, is still living with my 75 year old mother. He is a drug addict as well as an alcoholic. He never held a job for more than a year at a time. Now he is on disability because of his mental issues. Yes my mom is an enabler but she does not see it that way. My brother fathered three girls and my older sister raised them. NOW one of his daughters moved in with my mother a year ago with her 7 year old son. So now my mom has two dead beats living with her. My neice is trying to do better and is in school for nursing BUT she never helps mom with any of the housework or even her own child. My mom works 36 hours a week and then has to deal with this crap at home. BUT there is nothing I can do to help her because she WILL not help herself. I have offered for my mom to move in with me and let them fend for themselves but she will not do it.

NOW on to me. I have a 23 year old son who is in college. He lives with my ex, his father. I pay most of his extra bills such as cell phone, insurance, and cable/internet bill. I told him I am willing to keep this up till he graduates at the end of this year. God give me the strength to use that tough love on him if he does not get out and get a job and start taking care of himself. My son does have anxiety issues and it has been a struggle getting him this far in college but PLEASE let him be able to function and GROW UP.

I have a 21 year old that works and goes to school. I do not have to do anything for him although I do still pay the same bills for him (so as to be fair). He has grown up to be a wonderful young man and has a 4.0 in school.

Where did I go wrong? They are 17 months apart and were raised the same way.

SO OP I feel your pain. It is easy to say what you would do but until you are in the situation you do not really know what you would do. I have told my mom many of times I would kick my sorry a&& brother out on the street but I sort of know how she feels as I may be facing the same thing.

HOPE YOUR SITUATION GETS BETTER.

 

[vacationhopeful]

...Where did I go wrong? They are 17 months apart and were raised the same way...

All kids are VERY different. My sister has 3 boys. None is a clone of the other, but the youngest had driven his parents NUTS since he was 6 months old (did not like clothes on or diapers changed). Our parents (their maternal grandparents) were elderly, in nursing homes, and passed away before the youngest was 2.5 yo which is why I have so much contact with him. Yes, there is anxiety, additive personalities (alcohol and gambling), ADHD, and control issues in our (maternal) family - being aware of those issues when they are younger allows them to start to control these issues and themselves.

The older 2 have been far away more compliant than the youngest - who was less than 5 when he decided he was staying with me. My sister is now trying VERY HARD to have me go on the cruise with them - realizing a balcony in the room and cruise do NOT go together with him. Actually, cruise and him and them is not a good idea. Made my plane reservation yesterday.

To those Tuggers who have met my nephew, YES, that is him.

 

[Htoo0]

Maybe it was because I was the oldest and in high school when the youngest two siblings were born but whatever the reason, I chose not to have children and married someone who wanted a career. Therefore I have no advice to offer. I have watched quite a number of nieces and nephews being raised however as well as a good many friends raising their own. Some seem to 'get it' while some don't, often in the same families and to varying degrees. Unfortunately by the time some figure it out they've already made mistakes which will affect them the rest of their lives. Grandparents raising children seems to be a growing phenomenon. There needs to be some easy answers but I haven't found them. Every situation seems to have it's 'subtle' differences. There certainly is a case for 'tough love' but sometimes that means legal action to protect the minor grandchild/niece/nephew/'etc and 'writing off' the wayward child. Maybe that wakes them up and maybe it means you have to raise the minor yourself. Seeking advice is probably a good start, perhaps professional advice would be good too but in the end you have to choose what you believe will work best in your situation. I don't think anyone can answer that for another. (Kind of like - "Is time-sharing right for you?" ) Hope you can find the solution for your dilemma.

 

[Talent312]

How does that prayer go? Give me the strength to change what I can, the knowledge to know what I can not change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

As a step-father to my wife's two boys in their late 20's
(a/k/a blood-suckers), adept at getting their "needs" met,
I find that this version of the "Serenity Prayer" works better for me:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
As they may be connected to the ass that I have to kiss tomorrow...

And help me to remember
When I'm having a really bad day,
And it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
That it takes 42 muscles to frown
And only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

 

[Passepartout]

Until a person is forced to bear the consequences of a poor decision, he/she will continue to make poor decisions.

At the risk of changing the direction and raising the temperature of this thread, our jails are full of people bearing the consequences of making poor decisions. Drug and alcohol use and mental illness by parents have placed their kids in the guardianship of grandparents- or worse, foster families.

Rather than offer treatment, our country has chosen to adopt the 'enable and look the other way' attitude until the user oversteps the line of social acceptance and lands in jail- or homeless and on the street- or cared for at home by loved ones.

Some of the posts here have seemed to indicate that the renegade parent/child/sibling should just 'wake up', 'shake it off', straighten up and fly right', 'fit in' with societies mores. Many times this is just not possible. We are dealing with illness here, and it just cannot be shaken off, awakened from and the 'offender' become June or Ward Cleaver.

I offer no solutions. I am simply an observer of the situation.

I wish all who are faced with these difficulties, peace.

Jim

 

[gpurtz]

I certainly didn't get the impression that the conduct of the OP's adult child was criminal. It seems that the question is: How can we get our children to act responsibly? Enabling them to act irresponsibly is not an answer. How to deal with children who have crossed the line and act illegally is a different topic (IMHO). Gary

 

[spirits]

How to stop enabling

A few years ago someone very close to me fell into alcohol addiction. I was at a terrible time in my life. I loved them dearly but was helpless as I watched them go from a wonderful, strong person to someone who put an addiction before everything else. Unless you have been there it is hard for anyone to understand. I just want to say that I was so lost, their addiction not only was stealing their lives but I had become powerless to stop the addiction from destroying my life as well. A wonderful friend suggested I go to Alanon. I really did not want to go but I respected my friends advice. I was not able to view myself objectively but she was able to see that I was losing control over my life and helped by pointing me towards a source of help. At Alanon I learned that addiction not only affects the addict but also the people around them. What was so amazing was I learned that I had become very ill. No one told me what to do in Alanon. No one had the answers for me. But what happened was by telling me their stories I was able to piece together a way to help myself. Only then would the dynamics of the relationship change. Helping myself escape the disease of addiction (by not being the helper or enabler) that was the catalyst for change. I might not have liked the outcome of the change, that was out of my control, but it helped me escape and was the only way to get my addict to seek recovery.
I encourage anyone seeking a way out to make contact with others who have found recovery. There are many groups there. All it takes is the courage to change and to want what they have. Please give it a try and go to one meeting. After all nothing changes if nothing changes. It turned around my life for the better and I am a grateful member

 

[DebBrown]

I've been in the situation and want to emphasize that there is a fine line between being supportive and being taken advantage of. It is very hard for parents. My daughter came home from college pregnant at 19. To make a long story short, they lived with us until DD finished school and became a teacher. DD learned how to be a wonderful mother and my granddaughter is a delight to us all.

I did not try to be the mother for this child. I babysat as needed but definitely stood aside and let the two of them be a family. There is no "one size fits all" advice. Each person reacts differently. For my DD, having a child helped her mature and grow into a very responsible adult. Without the baby, I suspect she would have floundered around for a few more years. Maybe the secret is making sure the parent/child actually becomes the parent and accepts responsibility. Easier said than done.

Deb