[ 2012 ] Adult children who won't grow up.

[AwayWeGo]

The 18-Year-Old Is Correct.

The 18 year old is currently throwing the "I'm 18 and can do what I want" attitude constantly.

Yep. She's 18, so she can do whatever she wants -- just so she pays for everything herself & obeys all the rules & regulations & requirements & restrictions of wherever it is that she's living.

It's the Golden Rule.

The person that has the Gold . . . Rules.

When my younger son turned 18, I had a little heart-to-heart conversation with him along the following lines.

"Well, son, now that you're 18 the rules around here are going to be much more strict than they were when you were legally a minor & I was required to take care of you no matter what. Before, there wasn't much I could do if you stayed out too late, spoke disrespectfully to your mother, did not keep your room & your possessions neat & tidy, and so forth. Now that you are no longer a minor in the eyes of society & the law, I am no longer required to tolerate any such undesirable behavior within my own home. I love you & I am glad for you to be part of our household. But the conditions for continuing that, now that you are 18, involve conforming your behavior to our standards. Otherwise, if that is not acceptable to you, then as a young adult, you are free to leave here & go anywhere you want that you can afford & make your own way -- & best of luck to you in all things if you decide to do that, now that you have reached age 18. I hope you will stay in touch."

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

 

[pianodinosaur]

Not to make light of a very serious subject, especially when I can relate in some ways right now, but....

for some strange reason my children always feel like they are entitled to a yearly vacation and NEVER in a hotel room. For some strange reason, they now always expect their own bedrooms, jacuzzi tubs, balconies, full refrig for lots of snacks, flat screen tv's, heated swimming pools, game rooms, etc. A hotel room or even a 1 bedroom is considered slumming. I can't figure it out.

Anyway, this thread has been interesting reading. My 2 older children are 11 months apart and now 18 and 17 and they are so different. The 18 year old is currently throwing the "I'm 18 and can do what I want" attitude constantly. She will graduate HS in June. She does work and it seems like she cares about stuff with everyone else. But to us, it's just "I don't care" and "I can do what I want" and just constant overall disrespect. We are at our wit's end. I made the comment that if she feels that way she can move out, but deep down scared stiff that she will and then get hurt somehow.

Treat her like an adult. Don't buy her anything. If she wants something, she can buy it herself with the money she has earned. Do not pay for college. As an independent adult, she can pay for that herself. Charge her rent until she graduates High School. After all, most adults do pay rent. Then kick her out to fly on her own. This may or may not result in an attitude adjustment but I think it will solve your immediate problem.

 

[ciscogizmo1]

Be careful for what you wish for as you just might get it...

I do think your situation is very difficult as there is a child involved.

My story line would be what do we do with those parents that don't want to grow up. It is a wonder I came out normal so, I have no idea how we are wired. Anyways, my family is beyond disfunctional it is not even funny. But I set out to do differently and so far I have. I worked throughout college, got a BS and MBA (all on my own), didn't have children until I was ready, and I love them. It had gotten so bad with my Mom that I had to cut all contact off with her. She is an alcholic and it was proving to be difficult to answer the phone, visit, etc... In fact, I had my wedding earlier in the day so, I didn't have to deal with her drinking (how sad is that). Anyways, we haven't spoken in 8 years and I just can't bring myself to. We had a situation that involved my children and it was the last straw for me. As far as I know she is still an alcoholic but functioning. But I did learn I was an enabler and that the outcome would not be favorable. But I had to do what was best for me. Am I sad? Yes, I don't have the kind of relationship I long for that my friends have. My parents will never have that grandparent relationship. They don't have the extended immediate family I wish they had. But you know, you gotta do what you gotta do. Now, what I did 8 years ago took me 14 years of my adult life to decide to do. It is a tough situation. Basically, no matter what you decide to do, it won't be easy.

 

[vacationhopeful]

...the kind of relationship I long for that my friends have. My parents will never have that grandparent relationship. .... the extended immediate family .....

My youngest sister has her 3 sons - the oldest 2 were under 5 for their grandmother's funeral and the youngest made his 2nd birthday before his grandfather's funeral. There is a lost for both you and grandkids.

I do many things with the nephews - dyeing Easter eggs every Easter. Bringing down a birthday cake from that special bakery for each of their b-days (plus taking them out to a dine-in restrauant for the b-day breakfast). Watching sci fi TV shows and movies. Taking them on solo timeshare vacation trips. Helping them cook quiches EVERY Christmas morning at 7AM for breakfast while their parents sleep in (since the oldest were 2 & 4 yo.) Taking a tour of their college choice. Rarely giving them money and never video games (or even playing the games). Looking over old family photos (like the 1st year Disney World opened) and drinking coffee from those 40th Anniversity cups. Telling those stories of walking 2 miles thru the snow to go to school .

I know my sister's feelings of loss; I am much more involved than a regular aunt; I value my relationship with her entire family ...

 

[geekette]

I barely have memories of my grandparents. Death is part of life. If you never had 'the extended family', you don't miss not having it. A 5 year old is not likely to grow up moaning about no gparents. Nice of other family members to be there, but not having lots of family is not a terrible thing. kids only know what is "normal" For Them.

Sometimes, that death is not final, the person just becomes "dead to you." In which case, good for you for protecting the children from a terrible influence, maybe even terrible person. Far better to not have grandparents than to have a toxic one.

My mother says her father was an alcoholic, so, maybe it's best that he passed while I was young. Something I will never know, it was just normal to not have a grandfather. No gparents at my graduations, wedding, etc. Normal. I cannot imagine anyone feeling sorry for me for that? It's a small detail in a large world.

You can't miss what you never had. Not particularly close to my 2 aunts nor 2 uncles, either. Normal for me, possibly unthinkable in another family.

 

[dumbydee]

Thanks for the suggestion for the book Highly Sensitive People. I ordered it and plan to share with my son in hopes it will give us some insight.

My son, who is almost 30 with a master's in journalism is working about 10 hours a week at Banana Republic trying to find a job in journalism. I do end up helping him a lot and still pay his car insurance and health insurance and renter's insurance. One of the jobs he really wanted, but didn't get, paid the huge sum of $24,000 a year. The job market is really tough out there, but he's really trying. I really feel for grandparents raising grandkids. I don't think I could do it. Regarding the two kids in college, one so very independent and one not, kids are different and you said he had anxiety issues. Read the book, Highly Sensitive People, for some interesting takes on people who are very reactive to stress.
Liz

 

[ciscogizmo1]

Thanks... I'm happy that some people do take their aunt duties very responsibly. I think it is awesome.

Part of the problem with my girls is that I do have aunts that take care of me. However, because of their busy lives they don't have time for my children nor would I expect them to. They have their own grandchildren now and as an adult I see less of them. My children do not have any aunts/uncles/cousins to bond with while have 20 aunts and uncles and over 50 cousins so, my situation is different. They desperately wish they did. I know it won't ruin their lives but they know how it can be.

 

[geekette]

With my family spread out, there are people that I consider family that I am not related to.

Started with my "holiday orphans" dinners. I would invite friends that either had no family or were unable to be with them at the holidays. My folks would go to my sister's every Christmas because she had their grandkids. It was rare I could make that trip so began my own traditions.

Blood is only one of many ways to determine who "your family" is.

I hate to hear of estrangements, but, I do recognize that it is sometimes necessary. One must do what they need to do to survive and thrive. Sometimes, distancing or severing the relationship is necessary. Especially when looking to protect the young from people that do not/cannot/will not have the child's best interests in mind.

Sorry, I have deviated far from the topic ...

 

[Phil Strawberry]

bkljn

Thanks a lot for sharing. http://bigessaywriter.com/blog/how-technology-can-change-the-way-children-grow-up This article is for you if you like to read something to decent.

 

[VegasBella]

Just gonna throw this on the fire...

For mos of human history people did not live in self-supporting nuclear families. Most families spanned generations and the old adage that "it takes a village to raise a child" was absolutely accepted.

It's one thing to want your own children to become more self-sufficient. It's quite another to penalize your minor grandchildren as a result of this desire.

 

[Patri]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHPfgsTVTjA

Love this guy.

 

[VacationForever]

Just gonna throw this on the fire...

For mos of human history people did not live in self-supporting nuclear families. Most families spanned generations and the old adage that "it takes a village to raise a child" was absolutely accepted.

It's one thing to want your own children to become more self-sufficient. It's quite another to penalize your minor grandchildren as a result of this desire.

I did not read this original thread in 2012 but I can really relate to this response. I grew up in a culture where adult children do not leave home until they get married. We are forcing a physical separation now with my son as we will be moving out of state. I am undergoing a mix of guilt and relief that he will be forced to live independently and make independent decisions. Excellent kid, holds a full time job, hard worker, does not do drugs, drink or smoke. He just does not want a partner and we hope this will encourage him to find a partner. He bought a house and I promised him I will visit him at least a couple of times a year. I am undergoing anxiety.

 

[Phydeaux]

Is this what you did to your kids?

I'm not saying it's wrong or right - I just want to understand the background.

I happen to agree with this poster. Parenting begins day 1. The behavior of the adult child is indicative of their up bringing.

 

[DeniseM]

Please note - this thread is from 2012, and it was brought out of mothballs by a first time poster, in post #59 - this post is being reviewed.

 

[Finntastic]

Interesting that this thread was revived after more than a 4 year hiatus, but as I have a 17, 20 and 11 I found this thread interesting. Entitlement is such a huge issue with this generation. I notice it much more in my 20 yr then in my 17 year old. Fortunately he does work 50 hours a week but wants the best of everything! My son in doing an apprenticeship but is impatient and compares himself to his friends earning more than him but in jobs my son would suffocate in!! This is a tricky age. Give my a 5 year old any time!:rofl:

 

[rapmarks]

I could write plenty.
My friends are raising their grandchildren after her son died of an overdose in rehab. He was 70 when they took in a two and a three year old. They are terrific.
My daughter made a bad choice with the father of her three children. Long story but is basically hiding out after death threats and one attempt to kill her. He is a drug and alcohol abuser, gives no child support, works on the road, fights for custody, lawyers fees have eaten up close to fifty thousand. Loss on house she fled literally in middle of night under order of protection was another fifty thousand, with us paying mortgage for almost a year to get it sold. She tried to buy near us, only to discover he has run up thirty thousand in debt with her name still on it. We ended up buying the house, mortgage will be paid off when my husband hits his 105th birthday. I spend as much time as possible with boys, who all witnesses and were part of a lot of violence and rage. The four year old has been particularly affected. My daughter routinely works twelve hour days and cannot make enough to pay bills, despite having a professional job, two masters degrees and four licenses. Our health is declining, we certainly don't need this stress. Until two years ago, I had responsibility for two elderly aunts, my mother lived til 94. We don't need any more stress in our lives.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[Tia]

Wow, nothing I can do except acknowledge your very tough situation and pray there is some relief in the near future for your situation.

Hope others see the need to keep a close eye on your credit and maybe even put a lock on it when you have let someone into your life that wants to hurt you

I could write plenty.
My friends are raising their grandchildren after her son died of an overdose in rehab. He was 70 when they took in a two and a three year old. They are terrific.
My daughter made a bad choice with the father of her three children. Long story but is basically hiding out after death threats and one attempt to kill her. He is a drug and alcohol abuser, gives no child support, works on the road, fights for custody, lawyers fees have eaten up close to fifty thousand. Loss on house she fled literally in middle of night under order of protection was another fifty thousand, with us paying mortgage for almost a year to get it sold. She tried to buy near us, only to discover he has run up thirty thousand in debt with her name still on it. We ended up buying the house, mortgage will be paid off when my husband hits his 105th birthday. I spend as much time as possible with boys, who all witnesses and were part of a lot of violence and rage. The four year old has been particularly affected. My daughter routinely works twelve hour days and cannot make enough to pay bills, despite having a professional job, two masters degrees and four licenses. Our health is declining, we certainly don't need this stress. Until two years ago, I had responsibility for two elderly aunts, my mother lived til 94. We don't need any more stress in our lives.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk