Stay At Home Humor

[Tank]

When God created Adam and Eve, He said to them:
I have two gifts to give you - one is to pee standing up and...
Adam, very anxious, interrupted him screaming:
M E..! M E..! I want it, please Lord... please... please... please...
This would make life a lot easier!
Eve agreed and said those things didn’t matter to her.
So God gave Adam the gift.
Adam was amazed, screaming for joy, running through the Garden of Eden, peeing on every tree.
He ran along the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand.
He lit a fire and played fireman..
God and Eve stared at the mad man with happiness until Eve asked God:
and... what is the other present?
And God answered:
A Brain Eve ... The brain is yours...

And that my friends, is how it all started.

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," he continued. The priest clasped his hands, tilted his head back and looked to the skies. After taking a deep breath, he responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

 

[dago]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," he continued. The priest clasped his hands, tilted his head back and looked to the skies. After taking a deep breath, he responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

Why are you picking on us Italians?
LOL

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?" "I didn't have to," Steve replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'.

When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!"

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

Why are you picking on us Italians?
LOL

I didn't even think about ethnicity. I try to be oblivious to such matters. For example, though I was raised Swedish-American, I was taught about the great contributions that Norwegians have made in the world.

The toilet seat is a good example. Most people take toilet seats for granted, without realizing that the toilet seat was invented by Norwegians. The Germans, the French, the English, and even the hardened Swedes were impressed. Of course, it was the Swedes who realized the toilet seat would work better if it had a hole.

 

[Brett]

 

[Tank]

 

[Tank]

 

[AJCts411]

 

[plpgma]

 

[plpgma]

 

[plpgma]

 

[plpgma]

 

[plpgma]

This is behind me every time I drive at night!

 

[Ralph Sir Edward]

 

[DaveNV]

View attachment 62879

I was at walMart the other day, trying to get through Self-Check. After scanning things, I put them back in the cart. No bag required. The register had a problem with that. The attendant came over sand said, "You need to put scanned items on this side of the register, so it knows you scanned it."

I looked at her, and said, "Sorry, I never went to WalMart cash register school. I don't work here." And I grinned.

She didn't even smile.

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[Ralph Sir Edward]

 

[Ralph Sir Edward]

 

[isisdave]

Removed. thread creep veered out of the humor realm.

 

[DaveNV]

Costco's self-checkout requires that each item be picked up, scanned, and put down on the scale. There are no hand scanners available, which I thought was because they were introduced during Covid. If you're shopping with someone else, your partner can't begin loading stuff back into the cart until you've finished.

I'm not going to pick up every item twice, so I go to the regular checkout. Having worked in retail a million years ago, I face all the barcodes upwards. About half the time, the assistant loads most of my stuff onto the belt before noticing that, thus requiring that all of these be handled by him/her twice, and by the checker person once. The checker helps avoid infection by gesturing to the receipt, which I am supposed to rip off myself. It's important as it showed today a total of $91 for seven items ....

Sam's Club lets me use their app to scan and touch nothing, or to use a handheld scanner at the self-checkout. It takes me about 3 seconds per item, and no one has to touch the items.

I guess I'm surprised that Costco makes checkout so comparatively slow and difficult. Could I suggest that instead of weighing each item individually, we just roll the cart onto a scale and verify the total net weight of ALL the contents at once by subtracting the previously-recorded weight of the empty cart?

It's important to note I don't work for Costco, and never have. My husband worked there for 25 years, but retired two years ago. So we have no connection to the company at this point. I'm also not sure this humor thread is necessarily the best place to discuss what Costco does or doesn't do with self-check. But be that as it may, I was at the Summerlin Costco in Las Vegas yesterday. It was extremely busy at the regular check-out lines, with people pushing typical cartsful of stuff. I only had about ten items in my cart, and decided it was easiest to go through the self-check, where there was no line. They had Costco cashiers working there, with hand scanners. The cashier scanned my membership card I'd held out as I rolled the cart to that register. By the time I had touched my membership card to the "tap to pay" place on the card machine, she had scanned everything in my cart, and wheeled it past the check stand. Nothing left the shopping cart. I've never seen anybody scan things so fast. I took my receipt off the printer, and that was that. I was done and headed for the door in less than a minute. If the other Costco self-check people working there were as quick, it explains why there was no line to check out, and no errors committed by inexperienced members.

If you tried that at a place where the member self-scanned things for themselves, it'd take a lot longer, and would likely have plenty of downtime while things had to be rescanned because the wrong barcode was scanned, or items missed by the inexperienced customer who doesn't know how to run a scanner properly. Or whatever. Things missed by the receipt checker at the door would result in "loss by inventory," items, aka theft.

Different circus, different monkeys.

Dave

 

[Luanne]

Some of us can relate to this.

 

[pedro47]

Costco's self-checkout requires that each item be picked up, scanned, and put down on the scale. There are no hand scanners available, which I thought was because they were introduced during Covid. If you're shopping with someone else, your partner can't begin loading stuff back into the cart until you've finished.

I'm not going to pick up every item twice, so I go to the regular checkout. Having worked in retail a million years ago, I face all the barcodes upwards. About half the time, the assistant loads most of my stuff onto the belt before noticing that, thus requiring that all of these be handled by him/her twice, and by the checker person once. The checker helps avoid infection by gesturing to the receipt, which I am supposed to rip off myself. It's important as it showed today a total of $91 for seven items ....

Sam's Club lets me use their app to scan and touch nothing, or to use a handheld scanner at the self-checkout. It takes me about 3 seconds per item, and no one has to touch the items.

I guess I'm surprised that Costco makes checkout so comparatively slow and difficult. Could I suggest that instead of weighing each item individually, we just roll the cart onto a scale and verify the total net weight of ALL the contents at once by subtracting the previously-recorded weight of the empty cart?

But Sam Club checker at the exit store door are must slower than the Costco person. Today at Sam Club the checker at the exit door; her line was from her location to the food court area.

 

[Talent312]

I looked at her, and said, "Sorry, I never went to WalMart cash register school"... She didn't even smile.

Recently, I couldn't find office supplies and asked a stock clerk where they were.
I said, "I think they wanted to confuse the customers by rearranging everything."
He replied seriously, "Some things stayed the same."
.

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

Does this suggest that a terrorist organization could take down the UK with a flock of trained attack geese?