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responding to condescension

normab

normab

TUG Review Crew: Expert
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I am always at a loss for how to respond to a condescending remark, or maybe the best response is none?

Sometimes they annoy me, sometimes they leave me with my jaw hanging, but in the end I find it amusing that someone would share with me the fact that they somehow think they have something or know something I don't, or that their house or car is bigger or worth more, so I must be poor or uninformed (Poor me! :bawl: ).

I am not looking to snipe back, but I would love to have a humorous response that points out the fallacy of their thinking. How do you handle these kinds of remarks?

PS. These generally come from my immediate family :doh:
 
'Tis a pity that some people can only make themselves feel better by belittling others. People who do a lot of talking, are doing what they do best. :D

(Read into it what you'd like!! ~ Sometimes Silence is Golden!! :ignore: )
 
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You should just let it go. It's better to ignore such remarks because they will think you aren't bothered.
 
"Wow. That was pretty rude. Here, sweetie, -- (patting the seat beside you) -- Why don't you sit a little closer, so I can slap you out of that Ivory Tower you're living in?" :whoopie:


Dave
 
Just smile and say nothing. Let them think what they want.

I'm the youngest of the family, so always presumed dumbest. That got annoying very quickly but I also found out quickly that no one gave a crap what I thought or if they'd hurt my feelings so silence became the response of choice. It has worked for many years now.
 
BMWguynw said:
"Wow. That was pretty rude. Here, sweetie, -- (patting the seat beside you) -- Why don't you sit a little closer, so I can slap you out of that Ivory Tower you're living in?" :whoopie:


Dave
Click to expand...

Good one, Dave. Sometimes one needs to stand up to the rudeness--call it like it is. Then let it go. As long as you hold onto the pain (annoyance, etc) you are the victim. When you forgive and let it go, you are no longer the victim. I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said no one can make us feel bad without our permission. There is a huge difference between suffering in silence (being stoic) and letting go of the hurt. Choose to let it go after you call them on their rude behavior. It may be that they don't realize how they come across. (I doubt that, but it is a possibility. Let them know they are rude.)
 
normab said:
.... I find it amusing that someone would share with me the fact that they somehow think they have something or know something I don't, ...
Click to expand...

Maybe, on occasion, they do know more than you do. So what?
 
So Somebody Says I'm A Doofus . . .

If that happens, there are only 2 possibilities.

(1) I am a doofus.

-- or --

(2) I am not a doofus.

If I am & somebody says I am, then they've got me pegged & I might as well keep quiet about it.

If I'm not & somebody says I am, then they're flat wrong & there's no advantage in proving their point by fussing over it.

One time a United States Senator from The Commonwealth Of Virginia got accused in print of being The Dumbest Guy In Congress.

A smart guy would have simply ignored it & pretty soon nobody would remember anything about it. A dumb guy would get his knickers in a twist & try to do something.

So what did our U.S. Senator do?

Upon being labeled The Dumbest Guy In Congress, he pretty much erased all doubt by calling a press conference to deny it.

So it goes.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​


 
Thanks for the votes for silence--which has been my response after closing my jaw. ;) I guess my point was about the need to "put down" and how to deal with the rudeness of the patronizing behavior, and maybe silence is the only good recourse.

It may be that there is no good way to point out their rudeness without being inflammatory to them--and that is not my goal. (Although I chuckled at Dave's reply :rofl: ) I realize that this type of behavior is their problem, not mine! :)
 
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt. :eek: Has nothing to do with condescending remarks but something I remind my husband of frequently. :ignore:
 
In addition to all the good advice, breathe deeply and relax the jaw.
 
My grandmother used to say "Consider the source". If someone is needy enough to put you down to make themself fell bigger, then ignore it and possibly put some distance between you and them, you don't have to be always available for visits or phone calls.
 
It's VERY hard for me to keep my mouth closed, so who am I to give advice? That said, if you can, don't say anything - but SMILE knowingly.:D
 
Bullying

I think patronizing behavior is a subtle form of bullying. How do you handle bullies? If you don't stand up to bullies, they keep on bullying. You can stand up to the patronizing behavior without becoming inflammatory.
 
Pushing Back.

Rose Pink said:
If you don't stand up to bullies, they keep on bullying.
Click to expand...
I think that's right.

Sometimes social bullies just need to know where the victim's pushback point is.

If the victim never pushes back, the bully just keeps on bullying. That being the case, it might be better to push back quicker -- not bullying back, just coming back assertively rather than defensively -- & then the social dynamic will be established so that everybody can simply move on.

When the social bullies just keep going without let-up, avoidance may be the only practical way of dealing with it, even if that means tactical retreat sometimes.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

 
If I remember correctly, at Jesus' trials before Pilate and Herod, he remained silent when falsely accused of anything and responded only when someone said something that had some truth to it.

IMHO, silence is golden in these situations.
 
I find short, pointed questions are sometimes useful. I wouldn't hesitate to use these on people you don't have to see often, but think twice about using them on family or employers.

"Why would you say such a rude thing?"

"Did your mother teach you to bully people like that?"

"How is that any of your business?"

"Wow, [optional: you're really hostile today.] I'll bet you have a lot of trouble with relationships. I know a great therapist. Would you like her number?"

"Gosh, you must feel really insecure. Would you like to talk about it?"

and if you know the person and can think quickly, how about

"Yeah, it reminds me of the time you ....[ whatever embarrassing event you can quickly remember]."

If something like this won't work, or you don't want to risk it with someone you have to see a lot, you can just smile and imagine yourself slashing their tires ....

Happy new year ....
 
Examples, please?

normab said:
I am always at a loss for how to respond to a condescending remark, or maybe the best response is none?

Sometimes they annoy me, sometimes they leave me with my jaw hanging, but in the end I find it amusing that someone would share with me the fact that they somehow think they have something or know something I don't, or that their house or car is bigger or worth more, so I must be poor or uninformed (Poor me! :bawl: ).

I am not looking to snipe back, but I would love to have a humorous response that points out the fallacy of their thinking. How do you handle these kinds of remarks?

PS. These generally come from my immediate family :doh:
Click to expand...

Could you post a few examples of the comments?
 
isisdave said:
I find short, pointed questions are sometimes useful. I wouldn't hesitate to use these on people you don't have to see often, but think twice about using them on family or employers.

"Why would you say such a rude thing?"
Click to expand...

I think that is a very legitimate question and if said with the right tone--not in a hurt/whiney way nor in a hostile attack-back fashion--will make the offensive person stop and think twice. Sometimes people just don't realize how rude their remarks sound to the recipient. If they continue the attack, then just walk away. Just walk away. I did that recently. I refused to listen to hostile, racist remarks and I didn't want to demean myself by making any snide comments back so I just said, "I'm outta here!" and went to join a different circle of friends.

I wouldn't think twice about confronting family but I might try something different with an employer. I wasted years trying to be polite to a family member when I should have been forthright and honest. Would have saved myself alot of anger and frustration if I'd just stated my truth simply rather than trying to protect her feelings be being polite.
 
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I, too, like isisdave's (20) comments. If someone is snooty, rub their snoot in it. Publicly if possible

Jim Ricks
 
It is funny, but I was just thinking of posting this condescending remark .

Lat March, we booked the Galleon, some people we see at the pool, but are not friendly with were talking of going to Key West. I said I was going , staying at the Galleon, it was on front street, right at the harbor. no they said, there is no such place, they stay at the hyatt all the time, walk around all over, there is no Galleon, there is no other tall building except the Hyatt and nothing between the Hyatt and the harbor. We got scammed, poor things, they stay at the best location, we are probably in a crummy location.Imagine my surprise when we discovered the Galleon was right next to the Hyatt, between the Hyatt and the harbor, and you can see the rooms for the Hyatt from the Galleon and vice versa and there is a sign at the Hyatt saying Walkway to Galleon Resort., Can't wait tos ee them again and politely ask how much they drink when they go to Key West.
 
Definition of Diplomacy:

The art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey.

Learning a few diplomatic putdowns always restores confidence, even if you never use them.
 
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