@Glynda,
I understand your point and your feelings here. Allow me to ask a couple of questions if I might - questions that mirror where the wife and I are in our relationship with our kids.
I'll preface what I am about to say/ask with this - I wish I had answers to the questions that bother me still - but I do not.
It wasn't all that long ago when the wife and I had three kids at home.
It was chaos. Between things with school, outside activities, sports, and more - the weeks and and weekends were cram packed with stuff that revolved around what the kids were doing (or about to be doing).
I never knew how comforting that chaos was and how much it would be missed until later on. As the years went by, and each child moved on to be off on their own, the chaos started to diminish. Somewhat like a dust devil that fades off into the distance. It becomes harder to see, but you seem to still feel its presence because you can feel the dust in the air around you.
The first child moved off....a few years later, the second. And finally, the third a few years after that.
Obligations of life have pulled them in different directions. New people and new responsibilities in their lives have made increasing demands on their time.
But most of all, they are not the same persons they were when they left home.
Time has changed them.
We are no longer the centers of their world for many reasons - some good, some maybe not so. But as they grew as individuals, the fact that time is limited means they simply cannot spend so much time with you anymore. They have more demands, more pulls, more things and people they are responsible to and for.
It leaves your head spinning - what happened? Why isn't our relationship what it was? What changed?
The short answer is both you and they have changed. This is the point I am trying to put in context with our kids.
As their demands increase and responsibilities grow, yours (like mine) are decreasing. I've found that as the years go by, the things I am truly interested in are peeling away (like layers of an onion). I'm pretty much resigned to having interest in only a narrow array of those things I consider truly important - and that array continues to narrow as time goes by.
I'm left with a ton of free time on my hands, and (almost) nothing to do (on a daily basis) that satisfies me anymore.
Except my family.
The kids are on the opposite end of that spectrum.
The irony that mkes this so difficult is this (at least I think this) - when we (as parents) have the most time, our kids have the least.
I have run through some of the same emotions you seem to have - confusion, frustration, anger, resentment, bewilderment. But mostly, sadness and loneliness.
What was cannot be again. Neither us or our kids are today who we were yesterday. I find a lot of the emotions I noted above in that realization.
The question for me has become - how do I move on? Is this perhaps the crossroads you face?
I'm trying to let go to an extent, but I am frustrated in that very little interests me anymore. I have not been able to replace the chaos with something anywhere near as satisfying. It is an ongoing process - and a difficult one.
I make the reservations at a place I like, and they will tolerate. And then who ever is free goes. No fighting about it. No guilt. Mama is going, no ifs, ands, or buts. But who's with me is anybody's guess! This week, it's the twins and I in North Conway. We've had a blast. The 14 yr old had a basketball tourney, and the husband stayed home with her. I have let go of the "perfect family vacation image" I used to have. I choose to enjoy my vacation time, however it turns out!