How to Help Neighbors Whose Son Was Arrested?

[pgnewarkboy]

My neighbor called and told me that it has been really hard for them, especially his wife. He has talked to lawyers, and most likely his son will be kicked out of college. They are trying to be positive. One good thing is that his bail was not very high. They said that the media exaggerated some of the actual details. He said that his son only punched the employee after the employee provoked him by screaming at him telling him "he was going to pay" and "he'd screwed up his life." They also said there was a bystander that offered to pay for the shirts, but the store emplyee would not let him. They think that once the judge hears all the facts that it will help his case. I'm not so sure. I think the basic facts are that he stole the shirts, and he punched 2 people.
First, I am so thankful that he is alive. Second, I hope he will learn something from the experience. Third, I' glad that he didn't seriously injure or kill someone else. And last, I hope that his relationship with his parents will be better from their love and support. I didn't mention that he is adopted. They have three adopted kids, including the autistic daughter, that they have had since they were very young. I never thought that this would be an issue, but apparently since he turned 18, he has been interested in his birth parents. I'm not sure if this influenced his actions or not. I know that his (adoptive) parents have been the ones to step up and give him finacial and emotional support. Maybe this whole experience will have a positive result, and help him realize that they are his real parents.
It makes me appreciate my family, and friends and all my blessings, and even my own problems and struggles.
Thanks for all the great suggestions and support.

Your friends and you seem to be in a bit of denial. First, he is not a good kid. He is a criminal and a violent one at that. Second, he was in no way provoked into hitting the store clerk.

The only way your friends and their son will get past this matter is if they recognize the truth. This is particularly true for the violent offender. If he thinks he just got a bad break in life, he will be in trouble again. He must take responsibility for what he did and recognize how wrong he was. He should be helped by his parents and friends who tell him that he is not as good a person as he thinks he is. Austistic siblings, adoption, etc. are not causes of criminal behavior. He has zero excuses. IMHO everyone should be sorry for the store and the clerk and the police and mad as "h...." at him.

 

[Blues]

Autoeng, that was a very touching and very deep set of comments that you compressed into 3 short paragraphs. It sounds like you've done a lot of work to resolve these issues in your life, and would have a lot to offer young men in similar circumstances. Kudos to you!

-Bob

 

[DebBrown]

Haven't read all the replies but... my daughter was arrested during her freshman year at college. It was a horrible experience for her and I think she would have been devastated to think all the neighbors knew and were asking about it. I probably would not have appreciated hearing from acquaintances regarding this either. It was a very private and difficult time.

Deb

 

[Tia]

Oh this is sad, hope the adoptive family find some one who can help them through this very tough situation.

 

[pjrose]

Even good kids can screw up. He made a dumb mistake, then panicked, blew up, and made it worse. He deserved and got consequences.

He is their child and they are his parents. Adoption refers to the process, not the type of child. His biological parents are the ones who need an adjective to distinguish them from his REAL parents, the ones who raised him.

If the manner by which he came to his family is at all relevant, then he is "a child who was adopted", not "an adopted child". They are his parents and his family, not his "adoptive parents" or "adoptive family." The circumstances of joining the family can be relevant if the child came to the family at sufficient age to be aware of an earlier family, or if there are biological issues such as health problems or looking very different from his parents, or if his parents refer to him as "our adopted child," thereby distinguishing him from their "real children;" otherwise it probably isn't relevant.

Sometimes children who were adopted go through a period of identifying with their biological parents/origin, thinking that perhaps they might have been better off in that fairy-tale world of what might have been, or thinking that they are products of their heredity so don't really belong in the environment in which they were raised. My guess is that he has put himself in the latter category from guilt and/or rebelliousness.

He is at present messed up, and has hurt his parents badly. I hope he'll get counseling, and I hope his parents will as well, to deal with this hurt from their child. Meanwhile, I hope they continue to support their child, call, email, send cards, whatever, simply saying that they love him and are there for him.

 

[pgnewarkboy]

I understand your impulses for caring and understanding of a nurturing kind. Trying to assure him that he is not a bad person and that he has the support of his friends and family. My experience in life as a prosecutor and criminal defense attorney with expertise in juvenile crime tells me something else. It tells me that a different kind of caring and understanding is needed.

The understanding that is needed is the following. Adolescents and young adults can be extremely manipulative. The fact that this young man struck a store clerk AFTER being caught red handed is a very dangerous signal. He appears to have a problem dealing with his impulses. Faillure to control anti-social impulses is a key marker for a troubled life ahead for this young man.

The caring that is needed is the following. He cannot be led to believe that he had a "rough patch" and that he is a good person with a hard life and that he has the support of his family and friends unconditionally. He must understand that good people don't act the way he did. Even if they had troubling childhoods or rough patches. He must be told that he must act to regain the confidence, trust, and support of his family and friends. He should unequivocally take responsibility for what he did and not blame others. He should apologize to the clerk and the store and make full restitution.

 

[Redrosesix]

I understand your impulses for caring and understanding of a nurturing kind. Trying to assure him that he is not a bad person and that he has the support of his friends and family. My experience in life as a prosecutor and criminal defense attorney with expertise in juvenile crime tells me something else. It tells me that a different kind of caring and understanding is needed.

The understanding that is needed is the following. Adolescents and young adults can be extremely manipulative. The fact that this young man struck a store clerk AFTER being caught red handed is a very dangerous signal. He appears to have a problem dealing with his impulses. Faillure to control anti-social impulses is a key marker for a troubled life ahead for this young man.

The caring that is needed is the following. He cannot be led to believe that he had a "rough patch" and that he is a good person with a hard life and that he has the support of his family and friends unconditionally. He must understand that good people don't act the way he did. Even if they had troubling childhoods or rough patches. He must be told that he must act to regain the confidence, trust, and support of his family and friends. He should unequivocally take responsibility for what he did and not blame others. He should apologize to the clerk and the store and make full restitution.

So happy you posted this -- these young clients are the reason by brother decided to specialize in real estate law after spending a summer working in a Public Defender's office. I also had worked with at-risk youth after they had been in trouble -- you are definitely telling it like it is.

Just want to add, good people can't move on with their lives until they've atoned for their actions -- bad people don't care. Letting somebody off the hook doesn't do anyone any good at all.

 

[Jeanine]

"Real" parents

He is their child and they are his parents. Adoption refers to the process, not the type of child. His biological parents are the ones who need an adjective to distinguish them from his REAL parents, the ones who raised him.

Thank you for saying this. As an adoptive and long-term foster mother, I was saddened when the family became "the adoptive family" in this story. I believe that every adopted and fostered child has issues that other children don't have. Unfortunately, those issues aren't always acknowledged and addressed as early as they should be because "the system" doesn't want to scare off potential parents, and adoptive parents (well, me!), want to believe that love will fix everything. But regardless of these issues, they're still your children, as real as any biological offspring.

When people ask me if we know anything about our sons' "real" parents, I feel like asking them if I look that unreal!

 

[Darlene]

"This young man suffers from a "sacred wound" of his biological father not being there for him."
Autoeng,
Thank you so much for posting this. This explains so much. This family has three adopted kids, 2 girls and 1 boy very close in age, and 2 younger biological kids. One of the adopted girls is autistic, and has required a great deal of attention. While the adoptive father has provided a great home and example to this young man, he was gone a lot of the time traveling due to his job. His wife has told me it was very hard when the kids where young because her husband was gone a lot. And now, this young man is willing for any little morsel of attention that his biological father will give him. When he was arrested he called his biological father, but he did not come. The biological father has drug issues, and can not financially help his son, but still it is just like you said, he craves his attention, and has turned his back on all his family and friends for this man. The fact that you were able to work though these issues in a positive way speaks volumes for you.
Yes, his parents continue to call him, and try to encourage him to come home or go back to college. They are not going to let him justify his poor choices, but they don't want this incident to affect the rest of his life. I think that this is just the beginning of a downward spiral for this young man unless they can get him in counseling.
Thanks,
Darlene