Give me your FF miles

[Rose Pink]

I like the idea of advising her to open up a credit card for the 25,000 miles.

Really bad idea as she cannot handle credit. She has asked another family member to pay her credit accounts.

 

[Rose Pink]

I guess if Dora "doesn't have the money" she shouldn't be going on vacation, eh?


Pat

That seems reasonable to us "normal" people, doesn't it?

 

[applegirl]

Tell Dora to sign up for Southwest "ding" and she will be notified when good fares come up.

Or you could just tell her to go pound sand which is where I'm leaning on this one.

Janna

 

[Beaglemom3]

Really bad idea as she cannot handle credit. She has asked another family member to pay her credit accounts.

Good, then maybe she can learn some responsibility on her own. Either way, you're not effected.

 

[Rose Pink]

It's not good, BeagleMom. The other family member is old and frail, her father. He usually stands his ground but it is hard on him to be hounded by her, his own daughter. I can only do so much as the daughter-in-law but I do try to do as much as I can for him and not bad-mouth his daughter. I truly believe she has mental issues. And that is what has me a little nervous--what is going to happen next? If it weren't for trying to protect my FIL, I would be very tempted to tell her where to "go pound sand." But I don't want her to take out her frustrations on him.

And, bottom line, I don't want to be a mean, vindictive, insensitive person. I want to maintain my boundaries and my integrity in a firm, but kind way. I feel that I have failed when I have to resort to getting ugly--although I've been known to do that when I can't see any other way out. I guess I can look at this episode as another practice session on my way to developing grace. My objective in posting this thread is not to gossip about my SIL and her problems but rather to get feedback on maintaining my own peace of mind and integrity.

Janna, she doesn't know how to use the internet--at least that's the impression she has given me. I do think it is a good idea to teach her how to use it to track airfares such as ding. Perhaps that is something my DH can recommend to her. Her kids had internet in her home and she has called on DH more than once to come fix their computers (all sorts of viruses--he kept telling them to stop downloading things) so I know she has access.

Thanks.

 

[Beaglemom3]

I understand RosieP, you're a kind and accommodating person and want to make the lives of others better, I understand.
You're got to be "cruel" to be kind.
One of my best friends has developed emotional/psych issues over the years and it's hard to set limits with her.

 

[northwoodsgal]

Frequent Flyer miles may technically be free but in reality are not. There's the cost of the flights that earned miles, putting up with some inconvenience schedules so you can stay true one airline to get more miles, taxes when you use them and, most importantly in my mind, all the days and nights that I have to parent alone because my husband is travelling. I am protective of my FF miles. Understandably, people that don't travel much don't understand this.

 

[Rose Pink]

... most importantly in my mind, all the days and nights that I have to parent alone because my husband is travelling. I am protective of my FF miles. Understandably, people that don't travel much don't understand this.

That's the biggie with me, too. Our FF miles are used to purchase family time.

I suggested to DH that he ask his sister (if she approaches him again on this subject) to ask her why she thinks he should spend even less time with his family.

 

[pjrose]

I am amazed that she is being so persistent about this.

Another idea is to suggest that there are plenty of nice low-cost vacation opportunities locally. I don't know where she lives, but there must be state parks where she can rent a cabin (perhaps by the shore where she can also pound sand ) Maybe an inexpensive 3-day weekend special somewhere she can drive?

Perhaps helping her set up a local vacation that she can afford will get her off your back on this one? Probably not...but maybe it's worth a try.

 

[Rose Pink]

I am amazed that she is being so persistent about this.

...Perhaps helping her set up a local vacation that she can afford will get her off your back on this one? Probably not...but maybe it's worth a try.

She only approached DH once but wouldn't take no for an answer. I wouldn't be surprised if it came up again but maybe not. DH said she was begging.

She told DH that if she attended a 90 minute presentation (of just what I don't know) that she could get accomodations (and maybe DisneyWorld tix--I'm not sure). She just needed to get there to use the freebies. So, the whole thing is supposedly free. If I suggested a low-cost weekend somewhere I don't doubt she'd say she couldn't afford it. But thanks for the suggestions. I'll keep them in mind if she approaches me instead of DH.

She said she was trying to surprise her husband but I don't know how that would work since these types of presentations usually require both spouses to be present. Maybe the presentation is in Florida and she plans to get him there and then suprise him as in, "surprise, honey, you have to go to a 90-minute sales presentation with me."

 

[ricoba]

She only approached DH once but wouldn't take no for an answer. I wouldn't be surprised if it came up again but maybe not. DH said she was begging.

She told DH that if she attended a 90 minute presentation (of just what I don't know) that she could get accomodations (and maybe DisneyWorld tix--I'm not sure). She just needed to get there to use the freebies. So, the whole thing is supposedly free. If I suggested a low-cost weekend somewhere I don't doubt she'd say she couldn't afford it. But thanks for the suggestions. I'll keep them in mind if she approaches me instead of DH.

She said she was trying to surprise her husband but I don't know how that would work since these types of presentations usually require both spouses to be present. Maybe the presentation is in Florida and she plans to get him there and then suprise him as in, "surprise, honey, you have to go to a 90-minute sales presentation with me."

YUCK!

She wants to use your FF miles to go to a Timeshare sales pitch??? I know you didn't mention what kind of pitch it is, but it ain't hard to figure out it's a TS promo.

You are just way too nice!

 

[pjrose]

YUCK!

She wants to use your FF miles to go to a Timeshare sales pitch??? I know you didn't mention what kind of pitch it is, but it ain't hard to figure out it's a TS promo.

You are just way too nice!

And then if they fall for the pitch and buy it, and if they aren't good with money, then they'll just bug everyone for financial help.

 

[Rose Pink]

I remember she and her husband had gone to DW on a similar thing a few years back. I don't know if it is a TS presentation or some other type of vacation enterprise. It could even be a presentation for a health club for all I know. It seems everybody is giving out "free" trips for one thing or another. She must have paid for the airfare the first time. I remember thinking it odd that she would be willing to fly all that way for only two days at DW--or wherever it was.

Anyway, I didn't start this thread to beat up on Dora. I started it to get ideas on how to keep my own integrity which means standing firm without being resentful or hateful. I really dislike not feeling at peace. I don't feel at peace when I have venom coursing through my veins. It's not that I am trying to be "nice." I am just trying to live in serenity. I believe one can be at peace internally even when the world is fallling apart. That's my goal--to not be easily offended. Dora seems to push all the buttons, though. She doesn't try to do it.

I was speaking about this incident with one of my dearest friends yesterday. She grew up in a different culture. When she was small, her father had a job with the government of another country. One day there was a coup and a new government took over. The new guys not only fired her father (no income), they took their house and all of their belongings. They actually took her dolls away! For many years the family lived in poverty. She tells of having one banana for the whole family for dessert. 14 people each got one slice of banana. She would sometimes give her food to her siblings. Then, when she was in her early 20s, she went to another country to do some volunteer work. They were even poorer than she had been. The stories she tells are just heartbreaking.
She is the most generous, forgiving person I know. She refuses to let other people's bad behavior define her thoughts and feelings. Her response to me, "it's just frequent flyer miles. So what?"

 

[luvsvacation22]

Just pray for Dora and bless her in your prayers. Ask God to give you His love for Dora. Ask God what He wants you to do...then do it! It may be yes give it to her, or it may be no.

I think your friend gave you a great perceptive...don't sweat the small stuff, it is just not important in the whole scheme of things. Just seek God and every time you start to seethe, pray and bless her and give those resentful feelings to God.

I also have a hard time with things like this (feeling offended and/or being a people pleaser, not that you are)....and it is a constant battle that I have not won yet, but someday!

Good luck!

 

[Bill4728]

Look I'm not trying to support Dora and her request BUT haven't everyone of us given or offered to give one of our relatives a week at one of our TSs? So what is the difference between giving a week of TS to someone and giving them FF miles?

Most of the time the week of TS likely cost us more than the FF miles are worth.

Of course it was tastless for her to ask for your FF miles. Just like it would be tastless for her to ask you to give her your TS. But I can see her point of view.

 

[Rose Pink]

.... But I can see her point of view.

Thanks for sharing, Bill. It's important to consider the counterpoint.

 

[pjrose]

Thanks for sharing, Bill. It's important to consider the counterpoint.

I agree, but I still wouldn't give her the miles - because she sounds like the kind of person who would keep coming back for more - and more - and more.

 

[laura1957]

The problem is NOT with her asking - but not taking no for an answer. These miles are not a specific reason - to spend time with your family. If it will interfere with that I would not give her the miles.

 

[caribbeansun]

You answered your question in your post.

So what is the difference between giving a week of TS to someone and giving them FF miles?

Of course it was tastless for her to ask for your FF miles. Just like it would be tastless for her to ask you to give her your TS.

To the OP - it is okay to just say "no, I'm sorry we can't do that" without feeling you have to give additional justification for declining their request is it not? Leaving it at that removes the emotion ( mean, vindictive, insensitive person) from the exchange (it's a statement of fact) which seems to be the part that is of greatest concern to you.

 

[Rose Pink]

To the OP - it is okay to just say "no, I'm sorry we can't do that" without feeling you have to give additional justification for declining their request is it not? Leaving it at that removes the emotion ( mean, vindictive, insensitive person) from the exchange (it's a statement of fact) which seems to be the part that is of greatest concern to you.

To everyone, I want to be clear that we did not, and do not, intend to give away the FF miles. I don't feel mean or insensitive about telling her "no." I do want to act in a civil (but not coldly civil) manner for my own sake. I think SIL needs some educating in that I don't think she understands what she is asking.

I spoke with DH about teaching her how to use the internet. He doesn't want that much interaction with her and is irritated that I won't just look up some airfares and said gruffly, "I'll just do it myself. " I tried to explain to him that I'd done a brief search but that isn't going to tell her when there might be sales, etc, and without a specific date, I could get all kinds of airfare estimates. My DH hates (really hates)dealing with his birth family and so it usually falls to me.

I think I will feel better if I can teach her how to do this--that's if I can teach her. I can visualize in my mind a calm discussion. However, when it comes to actually doing it, the anxiety mounts and I am concerned I will get irritable as I don't enjoy interacting with her, either. I just have to view this as a session in practicing grace: meaning patience, civility, soft but firm tones. I think I can do that externally. Maybe the internal grace (meaning calmness and peace with no hateful, judgemental feelings.) will come later.

 

[mamiecarter]

Give Me Someting Nice!!!

Fogetabouyit. Everyone wants a freebe. Me I want several. Do what seems best for you.

 

[caribbeansun]

Different point of view I guess - I didn't necessary consider a firm reply to be cold, it seemed like a way to deal with what seems a distasteful situation.

You've mentioned boundaries a number of times and yet you find yourself "pushed" into a corner of dealing with your DH's family member that you clearly would prefer not to interact with to any great degree. Perhaps you boundary issue is with your husband and has nothing to do with SIL?

Good luck with whatever you decide.

To everyone, I want to be clear that we did not, and do not, intend to give away the FF miles. I don't feel mean or insensitive about telling her "no." I do want to act in a civil (but not coldly civil) manner for my own sake. I think SIL needs some educating in that I don't think she understands what she is asking.

I spoke with DH about teaching her how to use the internet. He doesn't want that much interaction with her and is irritated that I won't just look up some airfares and said gruffly, "I'll just do it myself. " I tried to explain to him that I'd done a brief search but that isn't going to tell her when there might be sales, etc, and without a specific date, I could get all kinds of airfare estimates. My DH hates (really hates)dealing with his birth family and so it usually falls to me.

I think I will feel better if I can teach her how to do this--that's if I can teach her. I can visualize in my mind a calm discussion. However, when it comes to actually doing it, the anxiety mounts and I am concerned I will get irritable as I don't enjoy interacting with her, either. I just have to view this as a session in practicing grace: meaning patience, civility, soft but firm tones. I think I can do that externally. Maybe the internal grace (meaning calmness and peace with no hateful, judgemental feelings.) will come later.

 

[wackymother]

Rose, you know there are still travel agents in this world. This is how they earn their money. If you're searching for airfares, that's something you could send her to a travel agent to do.

 

[Rose Pink]

Perhaps you boundary issue is with your husband and has nothing to do with SIL?

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Good point. I put up with it for my FIL's sake. After that dear, sweet man goes home to heaven, I hope to be able to put up some very high, concrete walls with barbed wire on top.

 

[Rose Pink]

Rose, you know there are still travel agents in this world. This is how they earn their money. If you're searching for airfares, that's something you could send her to a travel agent to do.

I could try that approach and perhaps I will but I know she will say she can't afford it. But her vacation budget is not my problem.