Give me your FF miles

[Rose Pink]

Let's say Dora (not her real name) wants to surprise her husband with a vacation. She just doesn't have the money to pay for airfare. Suppose she calls you up and begs you to give her your hard-earned (BIS) FF miles so she and her hubby can go on vacation. You tell her that you don't have enough as you've aleady used them to bring your kids home for Christmas. Dora says, well it can be for next year after you've accumulated more.

Is there a tactful way to handle this?

 

[isisdave]

"Sorry, we have plans to use them ourselves. "

Who the heck is Dora to you? Why doesn't she just ask for the cash? What would you say if she DID ask you for cash, which is really what she's doing?

 

[DeniseM]

Dora sees your FF miles as total freebies and doesn't understand the investment you've made to earn them. Don't do it - just tell her you already have plans for them.

 

[sml2181]

I know a Dora too.

She really wanted to visit her mother in Florida, which I completely understand. Her husband burned all his miles so she first came to me.

For the dates she wanted to go I was able to show her it wasn't a great idea - as there were only saver seats available on Air France and she had to pay 478 Euro in taxes and fees. I told her that SHE would have to pay them -and that a regular coach class ticket for the same dates were on sale - 450 Euro on Continental, which really is cheap for an AMS-MCO flight.

However, she did end up going to another friend who DID give her 100K miles for a coach class seat and even paid 378 Euro taxes and fees for a Northwest ticket....(This friend btw got in a huge fight about this with his wife - she had planned to use these miles to go visit HER relatives...)

In other words - I wouldn't do it and I would simply tell her you already have plans to use them yourselves. Years ago I had not dared telling my friend I wouldn't do it, but it gets easier. If she really NEEDED to go for an emergency, it may have been different. But still - If I could find a cheap ticket for cash - I would purchase that instead and I would then tell her she could pay me back whenever...

Tactful? Not sure -but how tactful is it to ask someone for his/her miles?

 

[grest]

Wow, Dora is one bold person...what makes her think she is entitled to what is yours?? I'd say, "sure, you can have them...it'll cost you $xxx.xx." No way!
Connie

 

[caribbeansun]

Why would you worry about being tactful with such an untactful person? Just say "no"

Is there a tactful way to handle this?

 

[Timeshare Von]

I agree with what folks have said here, just say no!

I have a friend whose mother just "took" her FF points to book a trip to Hawaii last summer. She told my friend casually "Since you've not used your miles with NW, Dad and I have decided to go to Hawaii. I transferred all of your miles into my account to book the tickets."

This was a 28 year old adult child (not living at home, not that that should matter) whose mother did this.

My friend was rightfully livid and immediately changed her passwords on ALL of her accounts for any and everything.

 

[Rose Pink]

I woke up this morning still reeling from the audicity of Dora asking for ff miles for her vacation.

Yes, I think she does not equate them with cash in her desperate mind and probably has not much clue of how brazen her request is.

No, we have no intentions of giving them to her but I somehow feel uneasy about it and I don't know why.

Dora is family (not a child--I gladly help my kids come visit me ).

I think we would help if it were a family emergency of some sort but for a vacation? I just can't over the fact that she actually thought we should do this. It just gives me a sick feeling.

We do have a larger income than she does but we would have to give up time with our family in order to give her the miles to spend with her husband. We rarely use our FF miles for pure entertainment. I use them to travel with my husband on his business trips so we can spend more time together. We use them to visit our children or to help them fly home to visit us. So, it's not like I am giving up a frivolous vacation. I am giving up time with family.

This is my husband's family member so he can do the talking but I just wanted to hear from you. Thanks.

 

[borntotravel]

Plain and simple - Just say "No". No explanations needed. If you feel you need to give one, just tell her that you will keep accumulating them so you can use them for yourself in the future!

 

[chap7]

Why would you worry about being tactful with such an untactful person? Just say "no"

I agree 100%.

 

[ricoba]

Why would you worry about being tactful with such an untactful person? Just say "no"

I agree that untactful Dora needs a good solid NO, and maybe even a bit more to knock some sense into her!

 

[Blondie]

"Is there a tactful way to handle this?"

Yah. Get a new friend. There isn't enough room in this relationship for her, you, and her cajones. Where DO folks get the gall???

 

[falmouth3]

You could say that you'd be happy to help her search for a good fare, but as others have said, tell her you have plans for your miles.

Sue

 

[pjrose]

a) we're already planning to use them
b) here's an application or link to a credit card that will give you 25,000 miles. Get two - one for you and one for your husband - and you'll be on your way in no time!

 

[talkamotta]

No, we have no intentions of giving them to her but I somehow feel uneasy about it and I don't know why.

You feel uneasy about it because you are such a sweetheart.

 

[vacationhopeful]

Your friend/relation is a "taker". She asks or demands from her "friends" and gets whatever she asks for. If not, she whines or withdrawals her shallow and one sided "friendship" as she is insulted that you are not complying with her demands. Badgering is her weapon.

You can only control and alter your own behavior. If you want to keep your FF points, just say NO. Don't offer any reason, justification or further comment. The less said, the better - any other comments or discussion is a waste of your time and will encourage her to continue to badger you.

Only say NO 3X if she keeps asking - then go silent with a good stare and pause before walking away. This technic works really well on the phone - I trained several jerks to where they would just slam the phone down after the 2nd NO.

 

[pjrose]

just say NO. Don't offer any reason, justification or further comment. The less said, the better - any other comments or discussion is a waste of your time and will encourage her to continue to badger you.

The same thing works (usually) with DD - if I continue the argument with reason and logic (mine of course), it just escalates, because she thinks she has a chance of convincing me. If I state my case and walk away, she sulks for awhile, and then it's usually over.

 

[luvsvacation22]

You feel uneasy about it because you are such a sweetheart.

Yes you are a sweetheart, but also maybe a people pleaser. We people pleaser's do not want someone, even someone like Dora to not like us or think bad of us. If it was a family emergency, and she had no money for the travel, then it would be kind of you to help her. But since this is not the case...just say NO! You can do it...practice saying no, it gets easier!

We cannot please everyone because we never will and people will just take advantage. Just tell Dora sorry but no, we intend to use all of our points now and in the future. It is best to place those boundaries now, if you don't she will be asking for your timeshare next. Good luck!

 

[MaryH]

I have given some miles to family but they are close family. Most paid for the taxes themselves. Sometimes I have lent family points and used my status to get Elite access of extra awards at regular miles and eventually I will use their points for a ticket myself. I have offered to lent points / status for awards for emergencies but very few have taken me up on it.

 

[pjrose]

We cannot please everyone because we never will and people will just take advantage. Just tell Dora sorry but no, we intend to use all of our points now and in the future.

I agree, but I'd skip the "sorry" part - you may feel sorry, because you do seem like a nice person, but you shouldn't feel sorry in this case.

Saying you are sorry may give the impression that you would like to or that you should, but you can't. Instead, you do not want to, and you shouldn't - you can, but you won't.

 

[Rose Pink]

Thank you, everyone

I'm glad someone thinks I'm a sweetheart. I am not trying to please Dora. I don't care if she likes me or not other than the fact that I do have to work with her regarding the care of another family member and she can and has tried to undermine my relationship with the other person. I try to be civil but I have as little contact with her as possible.

I guess I feel guilty about not liking her because I do want to be a gracious person--but that doesn't mean I will be a doormat or an ATM. I do have boundaries. I feel guilty for not liking her, but not for withholding FF miles. I have no intention of enabling her mooching behavior. She is a spoiled child in a middle-aged woman's body. She does have good points (I'm trying to be balanced here) and I think she is suffering from her upbringing. That's not my fault and I'm not going to be her mommy.

I just find it so disturbing that she would even think to ask. I just don't get that kind of entitlement attitude. Yes, I have more than she does and, yes, I do feel that where much is given much is required. But that does not mean being an enabler. I give to legitimate charities and I do not consider her vacation plans to be a legitimate charity.

Yes, I believe family should help each other but this is not helping. At least she is not asking me to co-sign a home loan. I should count my blessings.

I think I am just very, very disturbed by her attitude and behavior. What next? I wonder if she has a mental problem.

As for why I want to be tactful, it's because that's the kind of person I choose to be. I don't want to fall to her level. It isn't for her benefit. It's for mine.

 

[camachinist]

I guess if Dora "doesn't have the money" she shouldn't be going on vacation, eh?

Answer: "I don't have any to spare right now, but thanks for asking"

Pat

 

[TerriJ]

I'm sorry, we can't do that. That is all the answer that is deserved.

 

[Beaglemom3]

Whoa ! Nerve !!

I agree with Glynda on another thread. Please get a copy of the book, "Boundaries".

You might want to consider these: "You can buy them from at a discounted rate", "If I'm going to give them away, they be donated to our troops (& families) overseas and back home ".

I like the idea of advising her to open up a credit card for the 25,000 miles.

 

[Rose Pink]

Thanks again.

I have no problems with boundaries. Never did we consider giving her the miles. I am just unnerved by her nerve and because I don't think she even comprehends just how nerve-y she is.

She actually called my husband since they are his miles. He told her no and she just kept begging. He said it was a very long phone conversation (its always a long phone conversation with her) and she wasn't about to take "no" for an answer but that's what she got.

Maybe I am feeling uncomfortable because this is just another incident in a long list of financial incidents with her. She is now coming at us with her requests. It isn't just the finances, it is other things as well that are best left unsaid on a public board. I am getting a feeling that things will get worse before they get better.

To add to my concerns, my car is breaking down just when I was planning a 1500 mile round trip excursion for a family wedding. I have tix to Love in Vegas, Les Miz in Tuacahn as well as a couple of nights in Sedona. Such bad timing for car troubles!

My FIL is not doing well and I have a bad feeling about leaving for a week.

The sleep center and the doctor's office can't seem to coordinate a simple referral between the two of them. I had hoped to get the sleep study out of the way before leaving. Now that will have to wait, too.

Life could be much worse. All the little annoyances seem to hit at once.