Elderly neighbor taking our mail. WWYD?

[klpca]

We are on good terms with our neighbor. We have always picked up each others mail when one of us is on vacation - for the past 30+ years. She is now nearing 80 and while she seems fine, there are some odd things here and there that seem like her cognitive function is beginning to decline. Additionally, and I say this without judgement, she drinks a lot. We have seen her hiding wine bottles in the trunk of her car then putting them in the recycle bin on trash day, and openly tells us that at her age she "deserves" to have wine with both lunch and dinner. So who knows the source of the cognitive function issues, it could be dementia or it could be alcohol, or it could be a little of both.

We noticed a change about a year ago. Sometimes we came home to a full mail box (clearly she had forgotten), other times we had to go over multiple times before she could remember where she had put our mail. Also, she rarely replies to texts, and since we travel quite a bit we told her *in person* that we didn't want her to have to keep track of when we leave and return so we would have the post office deliver our held mail to us when we return. She seemed fine with that. On our last trip, it turns out that she picked up the rubber banded held mail after the post office delivered it and took it to her house. We honestly thought that it had been stolen. My husband decided to check next door and that's when we found out that she had picked it up - plus our mail for the next three days even though we were home and she knew it. I figured it out using informed delivery. And now she has started grabbing our mail every day. Ugh. She see us leave in the car (yesterday we went to Costco), thinks that we are leaving on a trip, and takes our mail in with hers. She says "I am so sorry!" when she sees us at home and returns our mail, but takes our mail again the next day. We could get a locking mailbox but I really don't want to shame her, or we can get a PO box - but what a hassle. Her child lives out of state and is dealing with a serious medical condition and is in no place to help. Her husband is strange and unapproachable. I honestly think that if we mentioned it to him it would cause my neighbor some issues at home. I feel stuck. Are there any other ideas?

Watching life get messy as people age is a real eye opener.

 

[geekette]

I’d get the locking mailbox. Mom had one of those for peace of mind. It seems your neighbor is trying to be sweet and helpful, but may have internalized this periodic task as a daily job of sorts. Doesn’t look like you can overcome whatever is in her head, so just solve the problem with the box change and be done. Have PO hold your mail for pickup when gone.

 

[isisdave]

Get the locking mailbox, and tell the child and unapproachable husband. She is not your problem to manage, and there may be more to it than you yet know.

 

[easyrider]

We are on good terms with our neighbor. We have always picked up each others mail when one of us is on vacation - for the past 30+ years. She is now nearing 80 and while she seems fine, there are some odd things here and there that seem like her cognitive function is beginning to decline. Additionally, and I say this without judgement, she drinks a lot. We have seen her hiding wine bottles in the trunk of her car then putting them in the recycle bin on trash day, and openly tells us that at her age she "deserves" to have wine with both lunch and dinner. So who knows the source of the cognitive function issues, it could be dementia or it could be alcohol, or it could be a little of both.

We noticed a change about a year ago. Sometimes we came home to a full mail box (clearly she had forgotten), other times we had to go over multiple times before she could remember where she had put our mail. Also, she rarely replies to texts, and since we travel quite a bit we told her *in person* that we didn't want her to have to keep track of when we leave and return so we would have the post office deliver our held mail to us when we return. She seemed fine with that. On our last trip, it turns out that she picked up the rubber banded held mail after the post office delivered it and took it to her house. We honestly thought that it had been stolen. My husband decided to check next door and that's when we found out that she had picked it up - plus our mail for the next three days even though we were home and she knew it. I figured it out using informed delivery. And now she has started grabbing our mail every day. Ugh. She see us leave in the car (yesterday we went to Costco), thinks that we are leaving on a trip, and takes our mail in with hers. She says "I am so sorry!" when she sees us at home and returns our mail, but takes our mail again the next day. We could get a locking mailbox but I really don't want to shame her, or we can get a PO box - but what a hassle. Her child lives out of state and is dealing with a serious medical condition and is in no place to help. Her husband is strange and unapproachable. I honestly think that if we mentioned it to him it would cause my neighbor some issues at home. I feel stuck. Are there any other ideas?

Watching life get messy as people age is a real eye opener.

Place a note on the mail box to remind her you are home. If she continues getting the mail, maybe show the note to her and tell her it's to remind her you are home.

Bill

 

[klpca]

Place a note on the mail box to remind her you are home. If she continues getting the mail, maybe show the note to her and tell her it's to remind her you are home.

Bill

Thanks Bill! What a good idea.

 

[silentg]

I would get a PO Box.. my mother started walking down to her mailbox and during the winter it wasn’t safe for her. She became angry about it but my sister would bring her mail when she visited. My mother had dementia and some of her mail was intercepted by my sister to keep her from sending money to magazine companies to end her subscription. It’s very difficult to reason with neighbors as my mother would lock herself out and forget any of our numbers in case of emergency. We were lucky to have her til her 90th year. But the last 5 years were hard.

 

[elaine]

I’d let husband and son know. She likely needs medical attention (there are medications that can slow cognitive decline) and heightened monitoring. I’ve seen loved ones either not be aware or try to deny/ignore cognitive decline.

 

[geist1223]

You can always put a hold on your Mail when you are Traveling and pick it up at the Post Office when you get Home.

 

[klpca]

I’d let husband and son know. She likely needs medical attention (there are medications that can slow cognitive decline) and heightened monitoring. I’ve seen loved ones either not be aware or try to deny/ignore cognitive decline.

It is a tricky relationship over there (if you know what I mean). We have to keep an eye on things. So far nothing has escalated into a place where I think that it is a safety issue, but it seems like a slippery slope. Her grown child has a terminal diagnosis. I just can't add to their load.

In good news, we got to today's mail before she did!

 

[Patri]

Get the locking mailbox. Tell her your mail has gone missing a few times.

 

[kwelty]

You can always put a hold on your Mail when you are Traveling and pick it up at the Post Office when you get Home.

This is what I would do and you can have them deliver all your mail the next day as well. We have been using this service for a couple of years and are very pleased with it.

USPS.com® - Sign In

Create a USPS.com(registered trademark symbol) account to print shipping labels, request a Carrier Pickup, buy stamps, shop, plus much more.

reg.usps.com

 

[DrQ]

You can always put a hold on your Mail when you are Traveling and pick it up at the Post Office when you get Home.

In theory, yes, but our carrier always puts the mail in the box at the end of the hold, even when we specify that we will pick it up at the PO.

Fortunately, we have a cluster box, but one time we came back from a trip and the entire back of the box was unlocked and open.

 

[geist1223]

Did you file a complaint with USPS?

 

[buzglyd]

It’s pretty easy to schedule a mail hold at the post office. You can either pick it up there when you return or they will deliver all of the held mail on the date of your choosing.

 

[DrQ]

Did you file a complaint with USPS?

Yes

 

[stmartinfan]

I'd get the locking mail box and tell your neighbor you’ve had mail stolen. I'd guess the husband is already aware the wife is having issues, because there are likely other things she's doing at home that are similar.

 

[klpca]

Well, we are on two days in a row of her not taking our mail so we are good for now. We have a custom mailbox stand-thing that holds four mailboxes (a craftsman neighbor made it) so I would prefer to not be the oddball with the locking box. If it comes to that we will make that change, but for now we will try to manage it in other ways. I am definitely a softie and my heart really goes out to her. She has had a lot of loss in the past 5 or so years. She had three close friends, two have passed and a third moved away to live near her kids. I can't imagine being 80 and having no friends or family nearby. We do what we can but I know that it's not the same. Life sure takes a lot of unexpected turns.

 

[dioxide45]

we are on two days in a row of her not taking our mail so we are good for now.

Is it two days of her not taking it, or two days of you getting to it before she goes for the mail?

 

[klpca]

Is it two days of her not taking it, or two days of you getting to it before she goes for the mail?

Yesterday we got to it before she did. Today we forgot to grab it before we left and it was there at 3pm. We laughed about being so excited to see that our neighbor didn't grab our mail! I am not calling it a victory yet, but it looks like a step in the right direction. My husband is the world's most patient person and when he sees her, he has been reminding her that we are home and assuring her that we will text when we leave for a trip. Fingers crossed.

 

[easyrider]

You can always put a hold on your Mail when you are Traveling and pick it up at the Post Office when you get Home.

We kind of do the same thing but we tell the Post Office when to stop and resume before we go. More often than calling the Post Office we have a house sitter get our mail.

Bill

 

[pedro47]

As you become older the mind can play tricks on your daily routine and your thinking process . IMHO.

Plus, losing friends are very difficult on your mind.

Please continue to be patient and ask her not to touch your mail in your mailbox.
.
Good luck and be kind, because if you live enough, you too will be eighty years old.

I wish you guys good Health; physically and mentally.
The aging process is very difficult some days. IMHO

 

[klpca]

As you become older the mind can play tricks on your daily routine and your thinking process . IMHO.

Plus, losing friends are very difficult on your mind.

Please continue to be patient and ask her not to touch your mail in your mailbox.
.
Good luck and be kind, because if you live enough, you too will be eighty years old.

I wish you guys good Health; physically and mentally.
The aging process is very difficult some days. IMHO

I agree. This has been an eye opener. We are retired and we have plenty of time to be patient with her. And I hear you - our turn is coming up next. (Hopefully not for awhile though).