Elderly neighbor taking our mail. WWYD?

[klpca]

We are on good terms with our neighbor. We have always picked up each others mail when one of us is on vacation - for the past 30+ years. She is now nearing 80 and while she seems fine, there are some odd things here and there that seem like her cognitive function is beginning to decline. Additionally, and I say this without judgement, she drinks a lot. We have seen her hiding wine bottles in the trunk of her car then putting them in the recycle bin on trash day, and openly tells us that at her age she "deserves" to have wine with both lunch and dinner. So who knows the source of the cognitive function issues, it could be dementia or it could be alcohol, or it could be a little of both.

We noticed a change about a year ago. Sometimes we came home to a full mail box (clearly she had forgotten), other times we had to go over multiple times before she could remember where she had put our mail. Also, she rarely replies to texts, and since we travel quite a bit we told her *in person* that we didn't want her to have to keep track of when we leave and return so we would have the post office deliver our held mail to us when we return. She seemed fine with that. On our last trip, it turns out that she picked up the rubber banded held mail after the post office delivered it and took it to her house. We honestly thought that it had been stolen. My husband decided to check next door and that's when we found out that she had picked it up - plus our mail for the next three days even though we were home and she knew it. I figured it out using informed delivery. And now she has started grabbing our mail every day. Ugh. She see us leave in the car (yesterday we went to Costco), thinks that we are leaving on a trip, and takes our mail in with hers. She says "I am so sorry!" when she sees us at home and returns our mail, but takes our mail again the next day. We could get a locking mailbox but I really don't want to shame her, or we can get a PO box - but what a hassle. Her child lives out of state and is dealing with a serious medical condition and is in no place to help. Her husband is strange and unapproachable. I honestly think that if we mentioned it to him it would cause my neighbor some issues at home. I feel stuck. Are there any other ideas?

Watching life get messy as people age is a real eye opener.

 

[geekette]

I’d get the locking mailbox. Mom had one of those for peace of mind. It seems your neighbor is trying to be sweet and helpful, but may have internalized this periodic task as a daily job of sorts. Doesn’t look like you can overcome whatever is in her head, so just solve the problem with the box change and be done. Have PO hold your mail for pickup when gone.

 

[isisdave]

Get the locking mailbox, and tell the child and unapproachable husband. She is not your problem to manage, and there may be more to it than you yet know.

 

[easyrider]

We are on good terms with our neighbor. We have always picked up each others mail when one of us is on vacation - for the past 30+ years. She is now nearing 80 and while she seems fine, there are some odd things here and there that seem like her cognitive function is beginning to decline. Additionally, and I say this without judgement, she drinks a lot. We have seen her hiding wine bottles in the trunk of her car then putting them in the recycle bin on trash day, and openly tells us that at her age she "deserves" to have wine with both lunch and dinner. So who knows the source of the cognitive function issues, it could be dementia or it could be alcohol, or it could be a little of both.

We noticed a change about a year ago. Sometimes we came home to a full mail box (clearly she had forgotten), other times we had to go over multiple times before she could remember where she had put our mail. Also, she rarely replies to texts, and since we travel quite a bit we told her *in person* that we didn't want her to have to keep track of when we leave and return so we would have the post office deliver our held mail to us when we return. She seemed fine with that. On our last trip, it turns out that she picked up the rubber banded held mail after the post office delivered it and took it to her house. We honestly thought that it had been stolen. My husband decided to check next door and that's when we found out that she had picked it up - plus our mail for the next three days even though we were home and she knew it. I figured it out using informed delivery. And now she has started grabbing our mail every day. Ugh. She see us leave in the car (yesterday we went to Costco), thinks that we are leaving on a trip, and takes our mail in with hers. She says "I am so sorry!" when she sees us at home and returns our mail, but takes our mail again the next day. We could get a locking mailbox but I really don't want to shame her, or we can get a PO box - but what a hassle. Her child lives out of state and is dealing with a serious medical condition and is in no place to help. Her husband is strange and unapproachable. I honestly think that if we mentioned it to him it would cause my neighbor some issues at home. I feel stuck. Are there any other ideas?

Watching life get messy as people age is a real eye opener.

Place a note on the mail box to remind her you are home. If she continues getting the mail, maybe show the note to her and tell her it's to remind her you are home.

Bill

 

[klpca]

Place a note on the mail box to remind her you are home. If she continues getting the mail, maybe show the note to her and tell her it's to remind her you are home.

Bill

Thanks Bill! What a good idea.

 

[silentg]

I would get a PO Box.. my mother started walking down to her mailbox and during the winter it wasn’t safe for her. She became angry about it but my sister would bring her mail when she visited. My mother had dementia and some of her mail was intercepted by my sister to keep her from sending money to magazine companies to end her subscription. It’s very difficult to reason with neighbors as my mother would lock herself out and forget any of our numbers in case of emergency. We were lucky to have her til her 90th year. But the last 5 years were hard.

 

[elaine]

I’d let husband and son know. She likely needs medical attention (there are medications that can slow cognitive decline) and heightened monitoring. I’ve seen loved ones either not be aware or try to deny/ignore cognitive decline.

 

[geist1223]

You can always put a hold on your Mail when you are Traveling and pick it up at the Post Office when you get Home.

 

[klpca]

I’d let husband and son know. She likely needs medical attention (there are medications that can slow cognitive decline) and heightened monitoring. I’ve seen loved ones either not be aware or try to deny/ignore cognitive decline.

It is a tricky relationship over there (if you know what I mean). We have to keep an eye on things. So far nothing has escalated into a place where I think that it is a safety issue, but it seems like a slippery slope. Her grown child has a terminal diagnosis. I just can't add to their load.

In good news, we got to today's mail before she did!