Dropping by

[MelBay]

How do you handle drop-ins? You know, people who decide they want to stop in for an unannounced visit, which always seems to be during my favorite show, or a nap, or dinner? Or worse yet, while I'm working in my home office. I have two different individuals who are doing this (both currently 'between jobs') and it's wearing thin.

I know I should just politely ask them to give me a call next time to make sure I'll be home, but I don't think I can pull it off without my voice shaking! Worse yet, I may bawl.

I HATE situations like this.

 

[Tia]

Don't answer the door, you were in the bathtub?

 

[Passepartout]

If you can't tell 'drop-ins', "Hi, good to see you, but I'm in the middle of something, call and we'll get together." You deserve to be dropped-in on.

Jim

 

[vacationhopeful]

Tell them you are busy when you answer the door.

Lock your storm door when you enter the house which prevents them from coming into your house when you open your house door. Politely say "I am busy. Good day." If they ask you "What are you doing?", just stare and say nothing. After a very looong pause, say "Good day" again and close the door. PERIOD.

"Less to NO" talking prevents you from crying. Practice this in the mirror. Remember what your Mama always said, "Looks can kill". You need to practice that "killer look".

If they say something to you when you are outside, tell them the truth. You have very big deadlines with work and can NOT lose your train of thought or refocus your attention after ANY interruptions. Afterall, you personally struggle with ADHN (attention demanding hidious neighbors).

 

[rhonda]

Well ... since you have some who are repeat visitors ... would you feel uncomfortable saying, "Please make yourself comfortable. I was just in the middle of <task, nap, TV show>. You don't mind if continue, do you?"

 

[AKE]

Don't answer the door (and especially if you can see who it is but they can't see you).

 

[MelBay]

Afterall, you personally struggle with ADHN (attention demanding hidious neighbors).

:hysterical:

 

[pjrose]

Very friendly, with screen door locked,

"Oh I wish I had some time to spend with you, but the dog/cat/baby just had diarrhea on the carpeting....I think I'm coming down with some horrible virus (and clutch your stomach)....the pot's boiling over....and I've got about five minutes before I have an important telephone call coming in....

Why don't you send me an email and maybe we can schedule lunch in a week or so?

Sorry.....GOTTA GET TO THE BATHROOM RIGHT NOW!!!!!"

 

[Timeshare Von]

I think this may be a cultural/family issue.

My DH and his entire family are "drop-inners" . . . I was raised to NEVER drop-in. My DH is always saying "let's stop in at (so-and-so's) on the way to the store" or something like that. My response is like "let's call before we get over there" and he seems to feel that is just silly, after all, we're family. His family does it to us all the time, so I believe him when he says it.

I finally told him that I didn't appreciate when they just drop-in, especially since maybe I don't feel like company or the house is a mess . . . or I'm not dressed for company . . . whatever.

His brother now knows not to just show up, but my DH still feels it's perfectly acceptable for him/us to show up as his sister's any time during the day or before say 8:00pm.

Drives me nuts!

 

[sstug]

How do you handle drop-ins? You know, people who decide they want to stop in for an unannounced visit, which always seems to be during my favorite show, or a nap, or dinner? Or worse yet, while I'm working in my home office. I have two different individuals who are doing this (both currently 'between jobs') and it's wearing thin.

I know I should just politely ask them to give me a call next time to make sure I'll be home, but I don't think I can pull it off without my voice shaking! Worse yet, I may bawl.

I HATE situations like this.

I could come up with lots of suggestions...

Hang a sign/plaque on the door saying "Visitors Welcome...by appointment only"

Or better yet, just be totally honest...
"Oh, I'm just watching my favorite show, you're welcome to join me but no talking is allowed"
"Sorry but I was just taking a nap, can you stop by later?"
"I was just eating dinner, sorry I didn't make enough for two"

Or throw on a bathrobe and open the door a crack and say "sorry but I'm not decent" (this would work even better if you answer the door without the robe!)

If none of that works you could sent them an email or card in the mail asking them to call first and admitting you weren't able to say it face to face. Soften it by saying how much you would love to see them regularly but just need advanced notice.

As long as you do it nicely you shouldn't feel at all guilty about setting boundaries.

 

[Talent312]

I have a video doorbell.
If I spot a solicitor or stepson, I can easily pretend not to be home.

 

[glypnirsgirl]

I vote for not answering the door.

I don't like anyone dropping in.

And I have to confrontational all day long at work. I don't want to be confrontational on my own time ... it's work to me.

My heart goes out to you.

elaine

 

[SOS8260456]

I grew up with just stopping by being the norm. People always just stopped by our house. Of course, family jokes were made about those who picked the same times to stop by each time. We were always welcome to stop by my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins homes anytime. This was all on my father's side of the family which was 100% Italian.

We didn't have much to do with my mom's side on a regular basis, so just stopping by wasn't an issue because we never even regularly visited.

The first time I discovered that it was frowned on was when my 20 year old boyfriend (now my husband) told me he had stopped by his married sister's house and she had refused to let him in the door telling him the house wasn't clean. I was shocked because it was her young brother and I am sure he could care less if her house was clean. It seemed sort of sad to me.

However, now that I am an adult I have very mixed feelings about it. I don't like people dropping by unannounced, but I loved that welcome feeling that surrounded me when I was growing up and knew that the door was always open. Sadly that generation is all gone and all of the cousins on that side of my family are scattered across the country.

I always hope that we will be able to provide that open door policy to our children, but not so sure anymore, because there seems to be some things that my husband and I might like to do more of once we have the house back to ourselves or my husband might want to have a "naked room" like Terry Bradshaw had in that one movie where they were trying to get the adult son to move out (can't think of the movie name.) Don't have too worry too much about it yet, we still have a good 10 years to go, at least, until we get the house to ourselves.

 

[Patri]

If you can't tell 'drop-ins', "Hi, good to see you, but I'm in the middle of something, call and we'll get together." You deserve to be dropped-in on.

Jim

Agree. I also don't like drop ins and never do it to others. I do, however, welcome and want my grown kids to come over any time.

 

[lvhmbh]

Oh, I'm sorry, now is not a good time. Period! It is easy for me because I have an intercom. I can say I'm in the shower, or whatever and that I'll call them and no one knows!

 

[Phydeaux]

If you can't tell 'drop-ins', "Hi, good to see you, but I'm in the middle of something, call and we'll get together." You deserve to be dropped-in on.

Jim

My personal favorite.

 

[DaveNV]

Reader's Digest had a Humor In Uniform item once about a serviceman who came home on Leave for Christmas. He didn't tell anyone he was coming, thinking it'd be a great surprise. He knocked on his Mother's door, and when she opened it and saw him, she burst into tears, sobbing wildly.

He was very confused, and asked, "Jeez, Mom. Aren't you glad to see me?"

She replied, "Yes I am. But by not telling me you were coming, you have denied me the pleasure of anticipating your arrival."

I think unnanounced drop-ins are rude and inconsiderate. It's one thing if they are rare guests who happen to be in town, but "regulars" need to respect your time. In this day and age, we all have so many demands on our time, dropping in without calling ahead is just not right.

I think the direct approach is best, without deception: Tell your drop-in you'd love to spend some time with them, but you want to enjoy the visit, and now is not a good time. Please call ahead next time, so we can arrange to have a proper visit. If they don't agree to that, they don't need to ever knock on your door. After hearing this a few times, they should get the message.

Good luck!
Dave

 

[Rose Pink]

How do you handle drop-ins? You know, people who decide they want to stop in for an unannounced visit, which always seems to be during my favorite show, or a nap, or dinner? Or worse yet, while I'm working in my home office. I have two different individuals who are doing this (both currently 'between jobs') and it's wearing thin.

I know I should just politely ask them to give me a call next time to make sure I'll be home, but I don't think I can pull it off without my voice shaking! Worse yet, I may bawl.

I HATE situations like this.

If you can't tell 'drop-ins', "Hi, good to see you, but I'm in the middle of something, call and we'll get together." You deserve to be dropped-in on.

Jim

The only people who might have a right to just drop by are very close friends and family. I would think you could tell them your feelings without hurting theirs. They will understand.

As for the rest, just tell them not to drop by unexpectedly. You don't have to worry so much about their feelings as they certainly aren't concerned with yours.

 

[pjrose]

Dave's post reminded me that many years ago DH and I decided to visit my parents as a surprise. They often had close friends drop by for a quick hello (often bearing cookies or something), and that was fine. We drove from NH to Colorado (we must have already been driving West for something else, but I can't remember), and when we got there, nobody was home :-(.

We knew the next-door neighbors had a key, so we rang their bell, and they were very friendly, feeding us a lovely breakfast till my parents got home.

I don't think anyone considered it an imposition, but I believe times were different, and of course it relates to how close people are.

I also was once apart from DH for a semester while I was in a different grad program; I decided to surprise him so drove 7 hours and rang the bell. He was VERY happy to have me drop in!

We rarely get drop-bys except from a neighbor / good friend who almost always comes bearing things (i.e. she isn't stopping by at dinner time), and I am happy to see her and talk for a few minutes.

 

[pjrose]

PS - many many years ago, before people were so worried about kids and weirdos, little kids were free to wander our neighborhood. One little boy was quite taken with DH who is great with kids. The little boy rang the bell one day and asked me if "my daddy" could come out and play . On Valentine's day, two little girls rang the bell and shyly handed DH (not me) handmade cards. I don't think we had ever met the parents or even knew their names - can't imagine that happening now, but in both cases we were delighted with the adorable friendly drop-ins!

 

[Talent312]

... My husband might want to have a "naked room" like Terry Bradshaw had in that one movie where they were trying to get the adult son to move out (can't think of the movie name)...

Failure to Launch (2006) with Matthew McConaughey, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Kathy Bates.
..... A chick flick, but Bradshaw+Bates made it kinda fun.
.

 

[Timeshare Von]

Failure to Launch (2006) with Matthew McConaughey, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Kathy Bates.
..... A chick flick, but Bradshaw+Bates made it kinda fun.
.

Wasn't that the movie with a nekkid Terry Bradshaw butt?

Besides that, yes it was a funny movie . . . we enjoyed it.

(Worse than a nekkid Bradshaw was a nekkid Kathy Bates in the hot tub with Jack Nicholson in "About Schmidt".)

 

[dwojo]

How do you handle drop-ins? You know, people who decide they want to stop in for an unannounced visit, which always seems to be during my favorite show, or a nap, or dinner? Or worse yet, while I'm working in my home office. I have two different individuals who are doing this (both currently 'between jobs') and it's wearing thin.

I know I should just politely ask them to give me a call next time to make sure I'll be home, but I don't think I can pull it off without my voice shaking! Worse yet, I may bawl.

I HATE situations like this.

Give them chores to do that should do it.

 

[Liz Wolf-Spada]

Interesting posts. I actually like having friends drop by. It might interrupt something, but then, friends are important to me and I like the idea of it being the way it was when I was a kid and my mom's friends dropped by for coffee. I do have a friend I drop in on to say hi if I am walking by her house. I think I will check to make sure that is really OK with her and that she feels comfortable telling me she is busy. I feel rude walking by and NOT stopping to say hi.
Liz

 

[LLW]

Interesting posts. I actually like having friends drop by. It might interrupt something, but then, friends are important to me and I like the idea of it being the way it was when I was a kid and my mom's friends dropped by for coffee. I do have a friend I drop in on to say hi if I am walking by her house. I think I will check to make sure that is really OK with her and that she feels comfortable telling me she is busy. I feel rude walking by and NOT stopping to say hi.
Liz

Actually, she shouldn't have to be busy to not welcome you to drop by unannounced, unless she's also from a culture that welcomes people to drop by unannounced (or calling from the driveway to say "I am at your door - can I come in?"). Best thing to do is ask if she likes people to do that. Culture is a very peculiar thing.