College woes

[puppymommo]

Tried to talk to DD (17 next week) about her choice of college (state university, rooming with a best friend) for next year. Earlier in the year she had planned to also apply to Northwestern and Washington University in St. Louis. I was interested in her process of choosing, concerned that it was mostly financially related. Her response to my question: "I'm the one going to college, not you!" Door slam.

We did talk a little more calmly later on. It appears that some (perhaps many) of her friends are second guessing her college choice. She has the grades and ACT score to be competitive at a school like Northwestern.

I'm disappointed that she is not even applying to Northwestern to see if she gets in and see what kind of financial aid package she would get. But I respect her decision. As she says, she is the one who has to live with it.

I sincerely believe she will have a good experience at the state university. I went to a University of California school and had a wonderful experience. They (state university) have an honors college and she will be able to take many classes at an honors level. Plus they have a strong study abroad program. But it will be a very different experience than she would have at Northwestern.

I'm very proud of her. She has worked extremely hard in high school and is graduating in the top 3% of her class of over 500 students.

Sometimes I just wish she was more open to hearing my point of view!

 

[pjrose]

Tried to talk to DD (17 next week) . . . Door slam.

I'm very proud of her. She has worked extremely hard in high school and is graduating in the top 3% of her class of over 500 students.

Sometimes I just wish she was more open to hearing my point of view!

Almost anyone who has parented - or tried to parent - a teen girl is with you - I know I am! Gotta wonder why they were invented and how the species has survived.

{HUGS} {HUGS} {HUGS} {HUGS} {HUGS} {HUGS}

 

[vacationhopeful]

Peer pressure is a parent's nightmare when trying to rationally discuss important, lifelong issues with a teenager. Have you talked with the parents of her peer group? Is she a senior or a junior?

My sister started talking to her HS junior's friends' parents in elementary school (like in first grade). As she has a boy 2 years older, she is pusher in that group.

It is a terribly confusing time for a teen ... clinging to the safe school and her lifelong buddy of "6 minutes" always seems better than walking into the dark and unknown.

And remember, she will not be the only college student who transfers after a semester or two.

 

[Pens_Fan]

Just think of the money that she will be saving you/herself.

 

[Zac495]

We're doing the college tours now - started summer of my son's junior year. He's a junior now. He fell in love with a couple places. Have you visited? This is so important!

Are you helping to finance college? If so - you have the right to say, "In the end it's your choice, but during the process of deciding, we as parents have a say in what your choices will be - we ARE visiting X and Y." If certain colleges have the same application as others - easy enough. Some may require tough essays and if she's resistant, you're stuck. But at least VISIT!!!

Good luck! Keep us posted.

 

[MommaBear]

Oh, I feel your pain. The hardest thing we can do as parents is to let our children make decisions on their own, knowing that those may not be the best decisions for them. However, it is the only way they learn. My eldest daughter was going to go as far away as she could to get away from dumb old us and boring Maine. Applied from NY to Texas (cost us a bunch in applications) panicked about going away and ended up at the state university. I loved it when she turned 18, I suddenly got much smarter and she was able to say with a twinkle in her eye "What a coincidence- you were right again" Even if your daughter acts like she doesn't hear you or doesn't want to hear you, she is processing the information you are giving her. Pushing the issue only makes teenage daughters dig in their heels (especially with their mothers) but giving them the info they need and letting them stew about it often has them saying later "I have decided to do ____ " as if it was their own idea. Whatever decision your daughter makes will be the right decision for her at the time and she can always transfer later if she wants something more. Sounds like she has done extremely well up to now!

 

[Talent312]

When I choose a college, my principal criteria was distance.
I wanted to be far enuff from home that contact would be minimal,
and yet still be within a one-day's drive for major holidays.

A neighbor friend of the family, noting my obstinency,
would refer to me as, "- - -, you miserable child."
Yet, somehow I turned out normal, more or less.

 

[heathpack]

I would be pretty concerned that she is either: 1. Choosing the comfortable option (staying relatively close to home & everything she knows, living with friend) -OR- 2. Trying to fulfill a promise she made to go to school with and live with the friend. Maybe both.

If she has suddenly taken an irrational fear of leaving home, I think you should push a little more. It's your judgement on that- if she's not mature enough or capable enough to go away, let her decision ride. But if she's perfectly capable of going and is having a teenage girl freak out, I would try to save her from herself. Encourage her to at least apply. She doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to, but the application won't hurt anything. Cajole, bribe, demand, whatever makes sense for her. Maybe convince her just going through the application process will be helpful- like if she decides to go to grad school, she will have had this application process as practice.

She will likely lose credits if she transfers, not the end of the world but not as easy as everyone thinks. The more options she has now, the better.

H

 

[vacationhopeful]

I vote for bribing ...

 

[ronparise]

Remember that part of any financial aid will no doubt be some student loans...Your daughter will have to live with these for a long time..I think the kid is thinking right

Sure the Ivy league would be nice, but i suspect a lot of that is for mom and dad

You need to have serious conversation about this, (no door slamming) but you need to listen to her, as much as she needs to listen to you. It really is her life

My daughter went to a California State College and it served her well...Nothing wrong with San Jose State (in the Silicon valley) on a resume

 

[suesam]

Wow do I feel for you! My boys were very uncomfortable and nervous about discussing college choices and basically refused as well. What we did was stood our ground and made them do their research. Yes, it was their decision but they had to make a decision well informed. We did our visits and I bought them books comparing colleges etc. We visited several schools, often with them not being the most delightful of travel partners. I believe that was all due to nerves. They chose completely different types of colleges....University of Notre Dame and Iowa State University. Yes...one is going to have debt and one is going to be debt free. However....they both picked the college PERFECT for them. We were very very lucky in that....but I firmly believe the amount of knowledge they had prior to the decision was essential. They both not only visited many colleges but they also went to week long camps at various colleges during the summers leading up to college so they could get a taste of what the college was like.

Stand your ground! She will thank you later. Sounds like the best friend influence is probably a factor........ewwwww.

Sue

 

[elaine]

bottom line--a (non-premier rated) state school can hinder her ability to obtain a top job. BUT, a student like that is likely to pursue more than a 4 year degree. If she does well at the state school and well on LSAT, GMAT, MCAT, etc., she can get into most any grad, med, law school. And at 21, she is likely to value the "name" of a school at that point.
A resume that has State U and then Northwestern Law School or State U and Georgetown Med School will get the same job opportunities as one with an ivy league in undergrad.
College has a lot of challenges---if she does not have "ownership" of her decision and school, she might not have the same attitude overcoming those challenges.

 

[lprstn]

Your kid is lucky to have choices. My kids don't have many. I tell them the budget, we look at the schools and it's a joint decision. College is a priveledge and not a right. Thankfully, my son is very interested in my help and guidance. I also had him interview students in his program of study as well as professionals with the hope that he can hear from someone besides myself what the opportunities are that are available to him. So far so good. Now for my other high schooler, she wants to go to a very expensive private college - I told her it's not in our budget and I prefer for her to graduate without debt. So I told her that she could take college classes while in high school and can get her preliminary courses out of the way. The counselor at the college she wants to go to suggested that as an option.

I graduated from college with student loan debt and I just want my kids to be a bit more frugal and graduate debt free. As far as some majors go, it doesn't matter where the student get their degree just that they have one.

 

[Elan]

Remember that part of any financial aid will no doubt be some student loans...Your daughter will have to live with these for a long time..I think the kid is thinking right

Sure the Ivy league would be nice, but i suspect a lot of that is for mom and dad

You need to have serious conversation about this, (no door slamming) but you need to listen to her, as much as she needs to listen to you. It really is her life

My daughter went to a California State College and it served her well...Nothing wrong with San Jose State (in the Silicon valley) on a resume

Agree completely.

I'm always amazed at how much emphasis parents put on college choice. A motivated student will do fantastic at State U. and an unmotivated student will do poorly at Ivy U. It's not about the institution, it's about the student's desire to succeed.

I got my degree from a state university whose electrical engineering program had only recently gained accreditation. Hasn't seemed to hurt me any. I work with grads from Stanford, Ga Tech, MIT, RPI, etc. We're peers. They have nothing on me, or me on them. None of us would even know or care where the others went to school if it didn't come up in non-work related conversations (usually about college football or basketball). Our boss? A Chico State grad.

Be happy that your kids want to go to college. Support their choices.

 

[LisaH]

Have you talked to her guidance counselor? Sometimes I believe kids will listen to anyone but the parents. They do change eventually though.

 

[davhu1]

We took our kids for college visits before even discussing where to apply. We combined them with vacation in the spring of their junior year and summer; and day trip for nearby schools. We must have visited at least some 20 colleges; different sizes (large univ, medium size, small liberal arts), locations (city vs suburb); reach/match/safety. Some of the schools visited was based on when they think they like to go and other are just random for comparison.

We have a very good state colleges. Our only criteria was that they need to justify the cost differential.

Selective and location of the college are very important, specially with current economy and limited travel budget. Some school are not being recruited. Graduate school and professional schools knows the caliber of the schools from certain colleges. Top students with good MCAT may be be placed in a medical school (Colleague's kid graduated top of her class with good MACT from low tier school rejected from ~15 medical school and only 1 interview.)

puppymommo: Your D is a top student and should be able to make intelligent decision. Rather than ask her to apply to a certain college. Discuss why she is applying to certain school and not others. Choosing a school based on where friends apply are never a good decision. That friend may change her mind and not attend or she may attend, not do well and transfer. Give her all the pros and cons, then let her make the decision; but set up your criteria early. It may be her decision, but it your dime.

Good luck with college.

 

[emilyarnette]

When I was going through school, I too was in the same position your daughter was in. However, all of my friends were going to Ivy League and schools where I knew were better than the state college. However, in all reality, my friends that went away to ivy league and expensive out-of-state schools returned after a few semesters for various reasons (homesick, trouble making friends, etc.)...whereas I finished my degree in four years and graduated with honors. So this may be a blessing in disguise!

 

[e.bram]

Ivy League(also MIT, Caltech, Stanford) is good for one's self esteem , if nothing else.

 

[emilyarnette]

Ivy League(also MIT, Caltech, Stanford) is good for one's self esteem , if nothing else.

Very true. I received just as good of an education at my state college, and feel as though I am equally as successful as I would have been at an Ivy League. In today's job market, an Ivy League may look good a on a resume, but a resume filled with relative experience looks much better.

 

[Tia]

Friends of ours had their hs dtr getting remarks from her friends about her college choice because it was in a very small town with little party life. It's hard being 17-18 yo and being able to see what really matters.

 

[jme]

I am a professional and work for myself. We have two children, girl and boy. Both went to different colleges for different reasons. One to the state university, where she was near top of her class, adored the big university life and has made life-long friends. It's been awesome. She's now a senior, graduating in May. After high school the decision was ALL HERS. I knew she was mature enough to handle it. She was just accepted to Dental School last week, one of the first students accepted. Her life is set.

The other was wanting a smaller school, so he went to a private university. He fell in love with it after visiting. It, too, was his choice. He got a business degree, continued and got his MBA, and now is in his first year of Law School. His life is set too.

Kids are different, and I strongly feel that the college they attend should be THEIR choice. (Mine was.) If anyone else's, they will forever hold that against "someone". It's like trying to tell them who to marry. They have to accept whatever consequences come. But a college choice isn't THAT BIG of a dilemma, really. I'm sure she will have similar choices of careers regardless of where she goes. State universities have lots of programs and endless major options. If she feels strongly about that, let her choose. If you cannot afford her choice, that's another problem, and it too can be dealt with.

In the end, she must be happy from the start. If not, she never will be happy, and it will affect her performance, and i sincerely believe that.

Best advice now is VISIT them all! All. All. Take a good day for each. Schedule interviews with people there, also do an official tour, and then visit students too. She might surprise you and end up with a totally different viewpoint. But remember, it should be her choice. DO NOT say much at all during the process. Trust me, she has a mind. Sometimes she'll do the opposite of what you say, "just because". So what, that's normal. Good luck, not to you, but to her....it's a daunting decision.

 

[thinze3]

My oldest DD went to a private university and received no scholarship. The only thing offered were loans. OUCH!

My second DD is now a senior at a very good state school. I actually smile when I have to pay that tuition because of what I spent on the private tuition.

We found no difference in the quality of the education and the state school has been a much better experience with less peer pressure than the private school. The private school had way to much emphasis on status and looks - body build, clothing, cars and sorority ranking, etc...

The private school also set my retirement back a few years.

We are not giving our 3rd DD a choice. She will attend a state school in two years.

but...

If your child does not receive major scholarship money and you don't have a problem with $50-60K a year and/or major college debt, maybe private school is the way to go. In that case, do what Ellen suggests and do a thorough college visit - maybe even one that you stay on campus over night. That's what we did, and my DD was convinced.

 

[Elan]

Ivy League(also MIT, Caltech, Stanford) is good for one's self esteem , if nothing else.

Those that derive self-esteem from their college choice have bigger fish to fry.

 

[klpca]

There's nothing wrong with state universities. That's where all three of our daughters went because that's what we could afford. The oldest two were accepted into fully funded master's programs, and both found them via the contacts that they made in undergraduate school. Our third daughter is a junior in school so no word on grad school funding yet.

Btw, I went to a private university and loved it, but we just couldn't afford the $45k per year We didn't qualify for any financial aid and would have had to take out loans. Some kids these days graduate with loans the size of a mortgage. I can't imagine saddling someone with an obligation like tat.

 

[Pens_Fan]

When I went to college, my parents told me that they would pay for the cost of a public school and that it was my choice as to where I would go.

I chose to go to a private university, and was responsible for the rest of the cost. I did have scholarships, but I also took student loans. Thankfully, they have been paid off for quite some time.

I will offer my son the same deal when it is his turn to go to college.