Am I just exhausted or is this rude?

[SteelerGal]

I would just tell her that because you are hosting for xxx amount of ppl, you will need the kitchen from x-x time. If she wants to cook anything it can be the day prior or after meal prep.

When we have our family dinners, we all cook at home and bring to the hostess house. It’s easier for us cooks.

 

[DancingWaters]

She must have heard me, she came with her food all made and ready to put in the oven. This has never happen before. Tomorrow is our Christmas celebration so I could be surprised with a last minute where’s this, do you have that for my recipe. I’m holding my breathe!! I feel she usually makes her food here because she doesn’t want to waste any of her time at home making something for us. Thanks for all of “your take” on this. Sometimes I think I just need to me be accommodating but I am 65 and babysit Gds 40 hours a week and work 18 hours a week at a school. Thanks

 

[Firepath]

That would be rude. I enjoy cooking, but wouldn't want to make my own recipes in someone else's kitchen. I don't know where to find things and would be afraid of making a mess and getting in the way. Now if they ask me to help with something they are preparing, no problem.

 

[DeniseM]

In the future, I would line up a young but capable cousin as her personal assistant, and make it seem like you are doing something extra special for her, and then stick to your guns and just be far too busy to help her yourself. win-win

 

[clifffaith]

I feel she usually makes her food here because she doesn’t want to waste any of her time at home making something for us.

There you go! That, or she does it at your house to avoid having to interact with people in the other part of the house when she is busy cooking. Part dissing the participants, part avoidance, maybe even part social anxiety.

 

[geekette]

It's inconsiderate and intrusive. Next time, because there will be a next time, exit the kitchen, say, You know where everything is, just please clean up after yourself. when that doesn't happen, call her back into the kitchen to clean what she dirtied. Jessica, could you come in here please? I thought we agreed that you would clean up and I need you to do that. No, Jessica, seriously, you need to finish what you started, I am busy hosting two dozen people, clean your mess. now please. and exit the kitchen.

You should have nipped it in the bud but next time you are invited to their place bring your to-make-from-scratch items and do unto others. I think she will understand the Extra Problem and not do it to you again. Nothing but experiencing it for herself will get your perspective across.

 

[geekette]

There you go! That, or she does it at your house to avoid having to interact with people in the other part of the house when she is busy cooking. Part dissing the participants, part avoidance, maybe even part social anxiety.

maybe she is not confident in her cooking skills and wants MIL just in case. I would choose to consider it an honor, but a seriously misguided one.

 

[geekette]

I'd put everything she might need on the counter, point and say:
"I'm done with the kitchen. This is yours now. See you in a bit."
Pour myself a stiff one or grab a beer, and head for the couch.
.

rare that a host gets couch time!

 

[geekette]

Ask her for a list of what she needs ahead of time and instruct her to bring whatever unique items she requires. Leave her items on the counter somewhere out of your way. When she asks for something point and smile.

Tell your son he is on clean-up duty while you rest with a glass of wine (or 2/3) with DIL styling your hair.

It’s your holiday too!

Maria

P.S. It might be her cultural upbringing. Thinking back to holidays with my big Italian family - grandma, grandpa, aunts and uncles all came over early to prepare their specialties! Sometimes starting 3 days earlier!

I would not ask her ahead of time, that is being complicit in what needs to stop!

 

[Talent312]

... Sometimes I think I just need to be accommodating, but I am 65 and babysit Gds 40 hours a week and work 18 hours a week at a school.

Perhaps you should pour yourself some eggnog w/brandy (or rum), anyway.
You've earned it.
.
.

 

[Cornell]

Remember no one can walk on you or take advantage of you unless you let them. In that this has gone on for a while you will have to be firm to break her of this. Also expect she will be upset and probably run to your son. She probably thinks of this as sharing time with you.

A wise person once told me "Givers need to set limits because takers never will".

 

[klpca]

I can't!!!!!!!

Were people not raised with manners?

I have a SIL who honestly has an eating disorder. She brings her own food to every meal and wants a place to prepare it just before we are sitting down to eat - you know that stage where you are making gravy, checking on the last casseroles in the oven, mashing potatoes, and carving the meat. Yep, that's the moment when she pops in and says "Katherine, could I please get a cutting board, a knife, and an extra plate so that I can make my food?" Look toots, I don't know where you think you are going to be setting up your prep space, but it's not in this mad house of a kitchen! (Believe it or not, she only eats raw food). Last year, her husband - my brother, took his dish off of the table before we sat down and wanted to put it inside of the oven to warm up because he "refuses to eat a cold meal!!" Lol that he thought that there was any extra space in the oven at that very moment. I time my meals so that things are finished cooking at pretty much the same time, and we have never eaten cold anything. I tried to not be upset, but that comment really frosted my wheaties. I did tell him that nothing would be served cold except the salad, asked him to put his plate back on the table, and scooted him out of the kitchen so that I could get everything on the table at the same time. They are lucky that they are getting a return invitation this year.

 

[VacationForever]

We are good friends with a quirky couple, whose quirks include being snooty (high and mighty?) when in reality we are all about the same, not rich but comfortable. We like them as they have qualities that make up for their quirks. My husband asked me if we would be inviting them over for Christmas. We are hosting Christmas dinner this year with a couple of friends. I told him no but he was going to ask the husband this morning when they are out golfing together.

A few weeks ago I mentioned that Costco carries seasoned rib roasts and they are delicious and we intend to have that for Christmas dinner by cooking it on our smoker grill. I went on to say that Costco typically carries both Prime and Choice grades and before I could finish, he proclaimed that he would NEVER eat prime rib that is not Prime grade. No issue then as we were planning to get a Prime grade seasoned rib roast anyway. We checked with the local Costco a few days ago and we were told that this year they are only carrying Choice grade and not Prime grade for their seasoned rib roasts. My husband and I decided that would be fine as our smoker does an amazing job with meat and would make up any perceived deficiencies with a lower grade meat. With our friend's remark about the grade of meat that he would ONLY eat, I am not going to invite them to our place for Christmas. My husband said I should ask and I said nada, but he is going to ask him anyway. We shall see.

 

[Patri]

With our friend's remark about the grade of meat that he would ONLY eat, I am not going to invite them to our place for Christmas. My husband said I should ask and I said nada, but he is going to ask him anyway. We shall see.

Come on, this could be fun. Don't tell them the type of meat, and see if they eat it and what they say. We want the answer next Wed. evening!

 

[clifffaith]

I have a SIL who honestly has an eating disorder. She brings her own food to every meal and wants a place to prepare it just before we are sitting down to eat - you know that stage where you are making gravy, checking on the last casseroles in the oven, mashing potatoes, and carving the meat. Yep, that's the moment when she pops in and says "Katherine, could I please get a cutting board, a knife, and an extra plate so that I can make my food?" Look toots, I don't know where you think you are going to be setting up your prep space, but it's not in this mad house of a kitchen! (Believe it or not, she only eats raw food). Last year, her husband - my brother, took his dish off of the table before we sat down and wanted to put it inside of the oven to warm up because he "refuses to eat a cold meal!!" Lol that he thought that there was any extra space in the oven at that very moment. I time my meals so that things are finished cooking at pretty much the same time, and we have never eaten cold anything. I tried to not be upset, but that comment really frosted my wheaties. I did tell him that nothing would be served cold except the salad, asked him to put his plate back on the table, and scooted him out of the kitchen so that I could get everything on the table at the same time. They are lucky that they are getting a return invitation this year.

Reminds me of my cousin coming into the kitchen with his soup bowl, while I was finishing meal prep and everyone else was supposed to be enjoying the soup course. He thought his soup could be hotter. Were you raised in a barn, man? I don't care if your soup is sporting ice bergs, anyone with any manners would shut up and eat it. I remember both my hands being occupied, the fine china soup bowl having a metallic rim so it couldn't go into the microwave, and bellowing for Cliff to come handle the situation. Don't recall if he got hot soup or not. Later that same evening Cuz went looking for the decorative gift-y wine carrier the bottle he brought came in, so he could take it back. Next time they were at our house his wife looked daggers at him when he tried that stunt again. The man grew up wealthy, had a wife who headed the Board of Elections with 500 employees and hob nobbed with all sorts of political movers and shakers around the world, and he doesn't realize the wine gift box stays with the gift. SMH

 

[VacationForever]

Oh our dear neighbors do this to us every time. At the end of the evening they would take their unopened bottle of wine back because we open our nice bottles for everyone. We just shrug off as ill manners and let it go.

I have always asked my husband to open what get brought to our home because guests would usually like what they bring, otherwise why bring. My husband is stubborn.

 

[easyrider]

Unfortunately I think the norm with family get togethers is to be rude to the host. I just shrug and figure it is cluelessness not malice.

Yup, this is my experience with family members. They are trying to help. I have seen many helpful actions over the years that made me cringe. I look back remembering and it makes me smile.

Bill

 

[Quiet Pine]

Do you know you DIL's mother? Could this be the family tradition with which she grew up? Maybe she cooked at mom's and mom puttered around helping out, and she remembers it as a wonderful time of togetherness. I agree that you should put items on the counter rather than fetch them one at a time. And having DS do clean up is ideal!

 

[Talent312]

My roast will is done now, and my guest are still 30 minutes out.
Yikes! Fortunately, it's 'sposed to rest for 45 minutes, so we're still good.
Yep, the holidays are stress-full.

.

 

[VacationForever]

My roast will is done now, and my guest are still 30 minutes out.
Yikes! Fortunately, it's 'sposed to rest for 45 minutes, so we're still good.
Yep, the holidays are stress-full.

.

I thought resting only requires 15 minutes?

 

[clifffaith]

Oh our dear neighbors do this to us every time. At the end of the evening they would take their unopened bottle of wine back because we open our nice bottles for everyone. We just shrug off as ill manners and let it go.

I have always asked my husband to open what get brought to our home because guests would usually like what they bring, otherwise why bring. My husband is stubborn.

We have a friend who brings wine when we have a Holiday Open House because he doesn't want to drink our slop. 50-100 people in and out for 3-4 hours, yes we buy Reindeer Red, white, and pink from Cost Plus because they have festive labels and fit the party theme. He proceeds to open his properly chilled bottle of usually Pinot Grigio, and tucks the bottle away out of the sight of others. I thought he was going to burst a gasket the day two other friends walked up and stuck their glasses out while he was pouring his wine. He asked for a wine glass once, and I responded "the plastic cups are on the table". I'd call him a wine snob, but he only drinks PG. I've coached Cliff, but need to remind him the once or twice a year we go out to dinner with these friends, to stick with his martini and a glass of red. Otherwise our friend will purchase two $50 bottles of PG over the course of the meal. His wife might have a glass and a half (the half when Bob is pouring it to empty the first bottle so he can order another), I can no longer drink any wine products (instant headache after two sips, I suspect my statins because I used to have a glass or two with no issues) so will have a single gin & tonic. That leaves Bob pushing wine on Cliff so they can get a second bottle, most of which Bob will take home. I don't believe he's doing it so much to get us to pay for half the bill, but because he wants to continue drinking at home, and hey, the bottle is open.

 

[elaine]

I think too much might be read into this. She’s likely just doing what she would’ve done at her parents’ house or what happened when she was young-an aunt cooking in her mom’s kitchen etc.
I’d praise her this year-“it worked so well for you to prep at our house and then cook it at mine...with so many people this year, it might’ve been too chaotic...but I love your recipe” and let her get the hint.

 

[Talent312]

I thought resting [a roast] only requires 15 minutes?

I dunno. I just followed the recipe. In any event, everything turned out fine.
The last guest just left... Thank God. Now it's time for that beer.
.

 

[DancingWaters]

I made it through the 3 day Christmas celebration. My DIL had my son put the casserole in the oven and top it with the cheese and etc. she didn’t ask for anything, it was a pleasant surprise!!! I think CliffFaith might have guessed it correctly, plus many of the rest of you. Thank you all for listening....
On a good note, I loved having my granddaughter here for a few days. I really only see her 4 or 5 times a year, but we always vacation together as a family of 16 to the Wyndham Smoky Mountain Lodge.

 

[taterhed]

I didn't comment earlier......didn't want to 'spoil the soup' so to speak.

If DIL wants to turn the kitchen into a combat zone......then I'd think it's time to let SON know that it's his time to rebuild the kitchen after the battle damage is over and armistice has begun.
Just sayin: it's his mess (sic) let him deal with it.

Glad you had a happy holiday.
Having messy family in the kitchen sure beats the (empty kitchen) alternative.