Am I just exhausted or is this rude?

[DancingWaters]

I have a DIL that brings all her ingredients and makes her “recipe from scratch” at my house while I am trying to get ready for 18-35 guests. She will ask me to get her dishes, measuring items, extra ingredients etc the entire time she is cooking. Of course, I don’t have time to be her personal slave. And then I get to clean the mess all up. Oh, and even a brush and hair straighter, mouse and etc while she gets herself ready. Should I be more joyful about all these demands? I am accommodating on the outside, but miserable on the inside. Just had to rant, so I can smile when it all begins.

 

[Cornell]

It's really rude. This would bug me to no end. A thoughtful DIL would bake those cookies @ home and bring them ready to go. AND then she should ask how else she can help you.

 

[VacationForever]

Oh boy. Maybe you can tell her directly to make this all at her home as you will be busy and need the kitchen?

 

[WinniWoman]

That would make me nuts!

 

[Rolltydr]

I have a DIL that brings all her ingredients and makes her “recipe from scratch” at my house while I am trying to get ready for 18-35 guests. She will ask me to get her dishes, measuring items, extra ingredients etc the entire time she is cooking. Of course, I don’t have time to be her personal slave. And then I get to clean the mess all up. Oh, and even a brush and hair straighter, mouse and etc while she gets herself ready. Should I be more joyful about all these demands? I am accommodating on the outside, but miserable on the inside. Just had to rant, so I can smile when it all begins.

Does she do this at other times of the year? Do you go to her house and cook or help her cook? I don’t know what your relationship is like otherwise. Is it possible she just enjoys cooking with you and spending time with you? Or, in her mind, is this a tradition that you cook together at Christmas? I ask these questions because my wife really doesn’t like anyone (me or our daughter) in the kitchen with her. She knows what she wants to do and likes to focus instead of answering questions and working around someone else. But, my daughter loves the Christmas tradition of cooking certain things with her mother at Christmas. It’s really important to her. Looking at the situation with a different perspective may prevent some hard feelings at Christmas. Just my 2 cents.


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[VacationForever]

When I cook I want everyone out of my kitchen. The last 2 times we had a couple over the wife would insist on baking her scones at my place. She had the dough prepared at her home and just needed my baking sheet and oven so that was fine.

 

[Talent312]

I'd put everything she might need on the counter, point and say:
"I'm done with the kitchen. This is yours now. See you in a bit."
Pour myself a stiff one or grab a beer, and head for the couch.
.

 

[klpca]

Well, my MIL would have a fit if I did this. And it is rude, although I am sure that she probably doesn't realize any of this if she hasn't prepared a holiday meal for a large crowd before, but that doesn't change much about the situation. My kitchen is on the small side and accommodates one comfortably, two is ok, three is the proverbial crowd. And on top of it, asking for help while you are trying to get a meal on the table!

You need to call her ahead of time and let her know that you've been planning the meal prep and it looks like things will get crazy because of the amount of food that you need to prepare for that size of crowd. Ask her to see if she can prepare her dish at home and just heat it up for serving or maybe she can prepare it in her crock pot and just bring it in and plug it in. Or have her do a green salad that she prepares at home.

 

[am1]

Always annoying when people ask for stuff in a kitchen but not easy for her to know otherwise. Can your son take the heat that could come with it? How is she in other ways?

 

[Cornell]

Well, my MIL would have a fit if I did this. And it is rude, although I am sure that she probably doesn't realize any of this if she hasn't prepared a holiday meal for a large crowd before, but that doesn't change much about the situation. My kitchen is on the small side and accommodates one comfortably, two is ok, three is the proverbial crowd. And on top of it, asking for help while you are trying to get a meal on the table!

You need to call her ahead of time and let her know that you've been planning the meal prep and it looks like things will get crazy because of the amount of food that you need to prepare for that size of crowd. Ask her to see if she can prepare her dish at home and just heat it up for serving or maybe she can prepare it in her crock pot and just bring it in and plug it in. Or have her do a green salad that she prepares at home.

I thought the same thing. I'm wondering if DIL has ever hosted a big crowd before. If she had, she would know how imposing of a request this is.

 

[CalGalTraveler]

I have a DIL that brings all her ingredients and makes her “recipe from scratch” at my house while I am trying to get ready for 18-35 guests. She will ask me to get her dishes, measuring items, extra ingredients etc the entire time she is cooking. Of course, I don’t have time to be her personal slave. And then I get to clean the mess all up. Oh, and even a brush and hair straighter, mouse and etc while she gets herself ready. Should I be more joyful about all these demands? I am accommodating on the outside, but miserable on the inside. Just had to rant, so I can smile when it all begins.

It is rude. I had a meal for 22 family members at our home. Three members decided that they wanted crab for dinner instead of what we were serving (I had plenty of variety including vegan and seafood) They were late. They then proceeded without asking to start boiling crab and preparing their own meal in the kitchen while everyone else had to wait for dinner to be served.

That same evening my tablecloth caught fire from one of the fondue dishes! No damage but I was done.

There is a reason people only see their extended family during major holidays...to remind you why you don't seen them more often!

 

[mpizza]

Ask her for a list of what she needs ahead of time and instruct her to bring whatever unique items she requires. Leave her items on the counter somewhere out of your way. When she asks for something point and smile.

Tell your son he is on clean-up duty while you rest with a glass of wine (or 2/3) with DIL styling your hair.

It’s your holiday too!

Maria

P.S. It might be her cultural upbringing. Thinking back to holidays with my big Italian family - grandma, grandpa, aunts and uncles all came over early to prepare their specialties! Sometimes starting 3 days earlier!

 

[silentg]

I no longer have a DIL, but she wasn’t a cook.
My DD is cooking Christmas dinner and bringing it over my house.
All I have to do is set the table and enjoy. SIL is working so will just be DH, DS DD and Me!
Silentg

 

[Cornell]

It is rude. I had a meal for 22 family members at our home. Three members decided that they wanted crab for dinner instead of what we were serving (I had plenty of variety including vegan and seafood) They were late. They then proceeded without asking to start boiling crab and preparing their own meal in the kitchen while everyone else had to wait for dinner to be served.

That same evening my tablecloth caught fire from one of the fondue dishes!

There is a reason people only see their extended family during major holidays...to remind you why you don't seen them more often!

I can't!!!!!!!

Were people not raised with manners?

 

[elaine]

For getting ready, appoint an upstairs guest room, etc for That.
for cooking, just explain that it is hard for you to concentrate with anyone on the kitchen and that you love her food but she’ll need to prep at her house. If it’s just too ackward then suck it up.
Personally, I’d be flattered that my dil felt comfortable enough to do both.
My adult kids do lots of things differently than I do. I just roll with it for the sake of family harmony.

 

[CalGalTraveler]

Don't get me wrong. I love my family but it's overwhelming when this many people get together.

I am exhausted just thinking about this.

 

[Cornell]

Don't get me wrong. I love my family but it's overwhelming when this many people get together.

I am exhausted just thinking about this.

I come from a large family. My mother was the hostess for many years at the holidays (which included houseguests). After Jan 1 each year, my mom would "go dark" -- we really would not hear from her for about 2-3 weeks while she recovered from all the work of the holidays. It was her hibernation time. I loved that she was honest about it and told us to "bug off" for a few weeks.

 

[rapmarks]

As I read this I start boiling at what my fathers relatives did to my mother all the way into her late eighties. She would cook all day on dec 23 for one cousins family and all the day on the 24th for the other cousins family. They would not eat with them but stop by and pick it up. They would give my parents a bottle of liquor for the favor, these cousins were millionaires and my parents did not drink. My mother would end up too sick to enjoy Christmas. I never got a taste of any of these wonderful Italian dishes unless my mother saved a small portion for me.

 

[AnnaS]

Is she baking sweets? or making a dish/meal for the day?

Regardless, can you suggest she prepares the dish at home and brings it either all cooked and ready to serve or prepare it and throw the dish in the oven to cook/heat if you have room.

I wold not have the space to share my kitchen....

 

[elaine]

I’m from a very loosey goosey, the more the merrier family. I’d be fine with this. My mil and sil would not.

 

[geist1223]

Remember no one can walk on you or take advantage of you unless you let them. In that this has gone on for a while you will have to be firm to break her of this. Also expect she will be upset and probably run to your son. She probably thinks of this as sharing time with you.

 

[bluehende]

I am the chef for our family Christmas gathering. This year it will be about 40. I see exactly what you see every year. SIL's show up and hand me their offerings with instructions on how to get it ready for the table. Not that getting pork and sauerkraut together along with gravy and mashing 20 lbs of potatoes needs a to do list to go along with it. My biggest pieve though is the fact that my wifes family has no sense of time. They show up whenever. I learned this on our first Thanksgiving that I prepared for the family. In our family if dinner was at 5 the dinner was planned for serving right at 5. This evening at 5 the turkey is ready for the table. No one there. 10 minutes later a knock at the door. It is my BIL's kids. Mom and dad forgot something but dropped off 3 kids from 3 to 8 yrs old and came back an hour later. So now I am baby sitting while trying to save a dinner that was not eaten until 6:30 when the last 'guests' arrived.

Unfortunately I think the norm with family get togethers is to be rude to the host. I just shrug and figure it is cluelessness not malice.

 

[VacationForever]

This tardiness thing reminds me of the last time we visited my FIL while he was alive. They invited their children and a daughter of the oldest child who had passed away. We were to be there at 11am. Great, we expected lunch would be served and hence 11am. Everyone was there except this 40 year old granddaughter, child of the oldest kid who had passed away. This 40 year old woman who was a school principal showed up at 3pm and proceeded to pop in a home video of her daughter which ran for an hour. We all had nuts and such waiting... waiting.... We finally had lunch at 4pm. My husband and his siblings were pissed and avoided this woman who was overbearing and talked non-stop. We left the dining table as soon as we finished the meal as she continued to tell stories about how her husband had diarrhea in his pants, right in front of him while we were having the 4pm lunch. That was the last time we saw any of them. My MIL passed away shortly after my FIL passing.

 

[silentg]

As I read this I start boiling at what my fathers relatives did to my mother all the way into her late eighties. She would cook all day on dec 23 for one cousins family and all the day on the 24th for the other cousins family. They would not eat with them but stop by and pick it up. They would give my parents a bottle of liquor for the favor, these cousins were millionaires and my parents did not drink. My mother would end up too sick to enjoy Christmas. I never got a taste of any of these wonderful Italian dishes unless my mother saved a small portion for me.

None for her own family? That’s bad

 

[clifffaith]

What the heck is she making that it all can't be assembled at home? Even that would brown me off big time because I'd have planned what I'd have in my oven or chilling in the refrigerator. My approach to cooking is you do it, or I'll do it, I don't want to assist you and I don't need any help from you. I'm definitely not a team player. You stay out of my kitchen, and I'll stay out of yours.