A Grave Decision

[myoakley]

I see that I am definitely in the minority. My husband and I have bought a plot in a lovely Catholic cemetery where we expect to be laid to rest after a solemn high Latin Requiem Mass.

 

[Patri]

When we were in Denmark visiting my wife's relatives, we visited a cemetery where some of her ancestors were buried. It turns out over there you only rent a plot, usually for 50 or 75 years. Your family can choose to renew, but if they don't, your plot is re-used. Not sure if they just stack, or remove the remains? It was almost 30 years ago, and I didn't think of asking.
Kurt

I was in Denmark about 10 years ago and relatives took us to the family burial sites. Same thing. Cannot remember if they use wooden caskets and do not embalm, but it seemed like by the time they reused them, the person/container there had naturally disintegrated.

 

[VacationForever]

I remember years ago when my older dd was about 7 or 8 for some reason on a family vacation, while we were in the car, she started asking about where her grandfather (my dad) was buried. We may have been driving by a cemetery. How to explain to a child that we had NO idea where grandpa was. How to explain to a child that we'd had him cremated (in other words burned up) and then scattered. To make matters "worse" my mom was in the car with us. Luckily mom had no problems discussing it. However, at this point I don't remember WHAT we told dd.

I came from a small country where land is scarce. 2 generations ago, i.e., grandma's era, they had burial plots. In the early 80s everyone got cremated unless there was religious beliefs that would not allow it, and that continues to be respected up until now. For all other burial plots, the government dugged up the remains and cremated them and house each dead person's ashes in a separate wing of the crematoriums. Relatives were given notice when that happened and where to find the urns. The burial areas were developed into residential estates.

 

[ottawasquaw]

My younger brother died suddenly when he was 3 months old. My parents brought 4 grave site plot in a new section of the local cementry. Our mother went EVERY Sunday after church with us 3 older kids in tow .. for HOURS, for YEARS, every season of the year and in all weather. It became less than every week when another sister was born. And when my sister 10 years younger came along, it was just some holidays visits to the grave site ... but still there were the hours of crying.

I was there a couple of months ago ... with my TX sister who is 6 years younger than me. She had asked if I knew where the grave site was ... I just smiled. The trees have all gotten way BIGGER, there are hundreds more grave stones but I had no problem finding the plot.

As for the 4th plot ... after our parents passed almost 20 years, that TX sister gave me that last plot.. as a "Christmas present" from my parents... so said the card.

So sorry about your childhood Sundays! That sounds rough! But, your Christmas present is funny!

I know cremation is popular and a good option, but I didn't think it was legal to be spreading ashes so many places and I had no idea so many people really do this!

My mother told me a few years back about the plots my parents purchased in the local cemetery. They are all the way in the back against the fence, so they can see their property across the way. The neighbor, a farmer, is buried there, too. He's just across the fence from his cows.

I had not been in the cemetery in years but suddenly I realized that all the statues and hills and rock formations I thought I had played on in the local park where actually there! And I do mean statues - there's a very famous Civil War one. (We would never play in people's plots.)

 

[Luanne]

So sorry about your childhood Sundays! That sounds rough! But, your Christmas present is funny!

I know cremation is popular and a good option, but I didn't think it was legal to be spreading ashes so many places and I had no idea so many people really do this!

My mother told me a few years back about the plots my parents purchased in the local cemetery. They are all the way in the back against the fence, so they can see their property across the way. The neighbor, a farmer, is buried there, too. He's just across the fence from his cows.

I had not been in the cemetery in years but suddenly I realized that all the statues and hills and rock formations I thought I had played on in the local park where actually there! And I do mean statues - there's a very famous Civil War one. (We would never play in people's plots.)

My dh's aunt wanted her ashes scattered, or buried, on Waikiki Beach. She had spent many winters in Honolulu and it was one of her favorite places. About two years ago we (dh, our 2 dd's, sil and bil) went to Hawaii and we flew to Oahu for one day in order to bury her ashes. We did look up whether or not we were allowed to do so. We could find nothing prohibiting it. If we had wanted to take her ashes out to sea and scatter them, we would have needed a permit.

 

[stmartinfan]

... But try not to dictate too much what your heirs should do afterwards. Make your wishes known, but give the kids a little leeway. Grief is personal, and some may need to mark your death differently than you demand now.....There is healing in some sort of service where friends (yours and theirs) can share condolences and stories. Maybe it is a party in a bar, or a church funeral. You are dead anyway. Allow the living to grieve in the way that serves them best.

I agree with this...funerals and memorial services are for the survivors and having a chance to participate in these traditions can bring great comfort to many people.

A friend's spouse recently died expectedly. She was surprised to find a file on his computer with some instructions for his memorial service, including a poem to be read and a song, neither of which she would have ever guessed. It was a comfort for her to be able to use his guidelines and not have to figure it out herself. It was distinctly him and a comfort for his kids and grandkids.

 

[WinniWoman]

Most of us are shifting towards cremation. But try not to dictate too much what your heirs should do afterwards. Make your wishes known, but give the kids a little leeway. Grief is personal, and some may need to mark your death differently than you demand now. One friend scattered her dad's remains as he wanted, but it was traumatic. They did not look like she expected. So that's her memory of what was supposed to be a beautiful moment.
There is healing in some sort of service where friends (yours and theirs) can share condolences and stories. Maybe it is a party in a bar, or a church funeral. You are dead anyway. Allow the living to grieve in the way that serves them best.

I so very much agree with this. I never realized it myself until my parents died and I realized how much it meant to me to see all the friends and family at the wake and funeral. Before that, I always felt wakes were ridiculous. They really are for the living.

 

[am1]

Hopefully I will be able to be buried at one of the places I own that will be passed down to my sons.

 

[klpca]

I have friends who have scattered a relative's ashes all over the place, at places that were near and dear to their hearts. When they take a trip they pack a small film canister of ashes to scatter. This was always the plan. I am sure that it must be against some law but they aren't worried about it. Since it has been going on for years, it has now reached the point where it is somewhat amusing to hear of the latest location.

 

[Talent312]

...Relatives were given notice when [cremation] happened and where to find the urns. The burial areas were developed into residential estates.

Were new homeowners advised as to the risk of ghosts?

.

 

[VacationForever]

Were new homeowners were advised as to the risk of ghosts?

.

Everyone knew. It was a major project to dig out the remains and family were given notice for something like 2 to 5 years. There must have been tens of thousands of bodies/bones to dig up, if not hundreds of thousands.

 

[Egret1986]

I agree with this...funerals and memorial services are for the survivors and having a chance to participate in these traditions can bring great comfort to many people.

A friend's spouse recently died expectedly. She was surprised to find a file on his computer with some instructions for his memorial service, including a poem to be read and a song, neither of which she would have ever guessed. It was a comfort for her to be able to use his guidelines and not have to figure it out herself. It was distinctly him and a comfort for his kids and grandkids.

My mother passed "expectedly" recently. She provided written information for her obituary and music she wanted for the service. It was very helpful to me. She decided that she wished to be cremated. She gave no specific instructions for her cremains. We (me, my husband and son) scattered her cremains in the water off her pier where she spent so much time and where she loved to be.

My husband and I both wish to be cremated.

Let your wishes be known beforehand; in writing, preferably. This is so very helpful to those that are left to take care of these inevitable matters.

 

[Jan M.]

My mother passed "expectedly" recently.

My condolences on your loss.

 

[ottawasquaw]

Hopefully I will be able to be buried at one of the places I own that will be passed down to my sons.

I had a friend who wanted her dad to be buried on their farm. She went to the courthouse to look into it. She was told that this would be permissible only if an existing gravesite was already there.
She said she picked up his red pencil when he wasn't looking and drew a little cross on the parcel where she wanted him. Of course, this was 20 years ago? Before everything was on a computer screen. Still, I had to laugh!

 

[Patri]

Unfortunately, farms don't stay in the same family forever.

 

[Passepartout]

Unfortunately, farms don't stay in the same family forever.

Forever is a long time, but in the above case, 2-3 generations is probably long enough.

 

[clifffaith]

For the longest time Cliff wanted to be cremated, with ashes scattered at sea. It took me several years into our marriage to figure out, and I still sometimes slip up, that by just not reacting various ideas simply dwindle away. I did not want to prepay to the big outfit whose name escapes me, because I felt it was possible we'd move somewhere where it could become a real PITA to coordinate ashes scattered at sea if we were in Nebraska. As it is, recently he's decided he "doesn't like fire or deep water" and wants a "green burial". Now that's a real pain in my backside, most places don't allow it from my understanding. I think he's mentioned some place up in Oregon. So my mouth is closed at this point. I think this will come to a head upon moving into a continuing care retirement community because I suspect they will want in writing what our wishes are. Heck, as long as someone else handles it, ship him up to Oregon. To borrow and twist a phrase, 'I will not stand at his grave and weep, he is not there, he does not sleep."

 

[chellej]

dh & I both want to be cremated and he wants to be scattered at Scotchmans peak in Idaho.

I am leaning towards art glass paperweights. https://www.spiritpieces.com/collections/paperweights

 

[clifffaith]

dh & I both want to be cremated and he wants to be scattered at Scotchmans peak in Idaho.

I am leaning towards art glass paperweights. https://www.spiritpieces.com/collections/paperweights

How interesting! My brother's ashes are still in a file drawer at my parents' house. His apartment was wall to wall colored glass pieces, and he did collect paperweights, so I think the idea would have appealed to him. Still leaves the question of what to do with the rest of him since they only use a tiny bit of ashes.

 

[Quiet Pine]

I inherited the family plot in Vermont, with a granite monument carved with the family surname. My parents, grandparents, great-aunts and great-uncles are there. However, I can’t persuade a single descendant to use one of the 7 available spaces.

As for me, I want to be cremated and have my remains placed in my favorite cookie jar, along with a brownie and a chocolate chip cookie. Recently DH decided he prefers home-baked to supermarket cookies and started baking. He brought “my” cookie jar in from the garage and now it taunts me on the kitchen counter.

 

[Talent312]

He brought “my” cookie jar in from the garage and now it taunts me on the kitchen counter.

Could you buy him another cookie jar?

 

[Patri]

Forever is a long time, but in the above case, 2-3 generations is probably long enough.

That's what I mean. Someone else will buy it but dad will stay on the farm. If it is ashes, no problem. Wasn't clear if it was a casket.
Century farms are a big deal now, because it is harder and harder for the young people to continue the legacy. There is one in my husband's family, but I don't know what will happen when his brother (76) stops farming. All the grandkids have other occupations.

 

[VacationForever]

We opt for cremation but then what the living wants to do with the ashes is up to them. Personally I believe I will have a hard time with scattering of ashes of a loved one because I need to have a focal point to talk or think about the dead. Scattering ashes somewhere does not help me with the grieving process. I tell my husband that if he goes first, his ashes will sit next to our fireplace so that I can see it and talk to it.

 

[slip]

DW wanted to buy a plot close to her family in a small country cemetery about 20 years ago. So we bought three plots for $225. They sold them in blocks of three. Since then we've been going to Kauai and now we think we will get cremated and our urns buried in the cemetery and then have some ashes spread at our favorite spot on Kauai.

 

[easyrider]

For the longest time Cliff wanted to be cremated, with ashes scattered at sea. It took me several years into our marriage to figure out, and I still sometimes slip up, that by just not reacting various ideas simply dwindle away. I did not want to prepay to the big outfit whose name escapes me, because I felt it was possible we'd move somewhere where it could become a real PITA to coordinate ashes scattered at sea if we were in Nebraska. As it is, recently he's decided he "doesn't like fire or deep water" and wants a "green burial". Now that's a real pain in my backside, most places don't allow it from my understanding. I think he's mentioned some place up in Oregon. So my mouth is closed at this point. I think this will come to a head upon moving into a continuing care retirement community because I suspect they will want in writing what our wishes are. Heck, as long as someone else handles it, ship him up to Oregon. To borrow and twist a phrase, 'I will not stand at his grave and weep, he is not there, he does not sleep."

Most of my wife's relatives in the Portland area are interned at River View when they pass. They do have the natural burial option. One of my wife's relatives who lived in the area many years ago bought a section of River View for the future generations to use if they wanted or needed a place to hang out after they pass.

Personally, I thought it would be a hoot to donate whats left of me to Wayne State University to be used as a crash test cadaver. More than likely my ashes will be combined with my wife's ashes and spread somewhere nice is what I think.

This is kind of an odd thread but very interesting. I especially liked Karen's post on the first page.

Bill