A Grave Decision

[Egret1986]

"Fells warns against any service that requires large upfront fees. Sellers can expect to wait months or years before the plot sells, if it sells at all, so don't go with a service that has monthly or annual costs."

"There's not really an established resale market."

"Finding a buyer is often tricky...."

https://www.kiplinger.com/article/r...elling-a-burial-plot-is-a-grave-decision.html

I find myself in this situation.

 

[silentg]

This is something we are going to be doing soon. We bought a plot next to my parents, but since we have been in Florida 30 years and our children are in Florida we are going to buy a plot in Florida.
Going to offer our plot to my siblings before selling it.
Silentg

 

[Jan M.]

My husband and son know how I feel about what happens when I'm gone. Have me cremated and do or don't do whatever with my ashes. There is a good chance that the ashes they give you won't be mine anyhow. At their convenience they are welcome to have a memorial service at Church or host one in a private room at a restaurant if they want. I have promised them that I will haunt them if either one of them spends big bucks having a funeral and burying me. I get this from my maternal grandmother who made very sure her children knew if they buried her in the Eagleville cemetery she would haunt them. She never said there was someplace she wanted to be buried, just not there. I remember being hushed when I would ask because the grownups didn't want to hear her going off about it. So to this day I don't know who is buried there that she didn't want to be buried in the same place with or if she just disliked Eagleville that much.

This is my story of why I absolutely don't want to be buried. My Mother died when I was 14 and my sister 10. The several years she was sick and dying and the years following her death were very hard for both my sister and I. It was so very painful to visit her grave but I did, riding my bike to the cemetery until I got old enough to drive or when our Father took us. I still remember always making it a point to go in the Spring, when she died, and seeing the white tulips my Father planted. The cemetery was beautiful in the Spring with everything blooming. I haven't lived in my hometown since I was 21. My only sibling, a younger sister, hasn't lived in our hometown since she was about the same age. The closest we've lived was several hours away. My father's ashes were eventually buried in her grave when he passed 31 years later. Reading this thread makes me sad to know that no one has likely visited their grave in years. I've never heard my sister say she goes and I know it has been a lot of years since I have. I still remember wondering when I would visit the cemetery and see the old graves if there was even anyone alive who knew or cared that those people had ever lived. That made me even sadder.

I will be in Ohio late next month staying with our son and his family. I'm going to make sure I have one of their cars for the day to drive to my hometown to tend to her grave and visit the two cousins who still live there.

My MIL died at 92 in 2008. Every Memorial Day, and several other times of year too, she went to the different cemeteries to tend the graves and plant flowers for her parents, her in-laws and her two husbands. There are still some, but probably not many, people of my generation who visit and tend the family graves. I wonder if the younger generations even know that Memorial Day is anything more than a long weekend. Or that it used to be called Decoration Day and was for people to decorate the graves and remember the deceased. The newer, lol they aren't that new, cemeteries don't allow you to plant stuff. They are so flat and bare, there is nothing attractive about them. I'm hoping when I visit the cemetery where my parents are buried that it is still the beautiful place I remember.

 

[Karen G]

My husband's parents never let us know any preferences they had for the disposition of their remains, so when each of them was cremated, we had their ashes in boxes in our garage for several years. A couple of years ago in the fall when the aspen trees were turning golden in an area of Utah that we frequently visit, my husband invited his brother to go with us to scatter the ashes. He picked a random winding path in the woods off the highway, and we walked in a bit. They poured the ashes near a pretty aspen and said a prayer as the wind picked them up. When I looked up at the tree it was so interesting to see that someone had carved some initials on the tree a long time ago. It said "C + L" and amazingly enough those were the initials of my in-laws' first names!

 

[Passepartout]

A couple of years ago in the fall when the aspen trees were turning golden in an area of Utah that we frequently visit, my husband invited his brother to go with us to scatter the ashes. He picked a random winding path in the woods off the highway, and we walked in a bit. They poured the ashes near a pretty aspen and said a prayer as the wind picked them up. When I looked up at the tree it was so interesting to see that someone had carved some initials on the tree a long time ago. It said "C + L" and amazingly enough those were the initials of my in-laws' first names!

Great story, Karen. I've made sure that my parents are buried together. I have instructed my family that are likely to survive me to sprinkle my ashes at Big Springs where the Henry's Fork of the Snake river issues forth from the ground. It's about the most strikingly beautiful place I've ever seen. In Idaho, there's no restriction on spreading ashes on public ground, So I think it'll be a done deal.

Back to the OP, I ended up with 2 more plots near my parents. I think Mom bought them many years ago. I just turned them over to the cemetery. Neither my brother nor I want, or will use them.

Jim

 

[bogey21]

My husband and son know how I feel about what happens when I'm gone. Have me cremated and do or don't do whatever with my ashes. There is a good chance that the ashes they give you won't be mine anyhow. At their convenience they are welcome to have a memorial service at Church or host one in a private room at a restaurant if they want. I have promised them that I will haunt them if either one of them spends big bucks having a funeral and burying me. .

My thoughts exactly. I put it in writing for my kids....no funeral, no service, cremation and a party to celebrate my life at a date and time of their choosing. I put aside $10,000 in a Bank Account in my kids names to handle this....

 

[Luanne]

Cremated and scattered. Dh wants to be scattered over a vocano on the Big Island. Our older dd has already told us she'll wait until we are both gone and take both sets of ashes at the same time.

 

[jackio]

My parents bought a double plot, on a payment plan, many years ago. They paid extra for a "roadside" plot, so no one would have to walk far from the car to the gravesite. Dad died in 1993,and my mom was glad the plot was there and paid for. Mom is still alive, and we have all discovered we are not "cemetery" people. No one has ever gone to see my father's grave. I mentioned this to my friend, who regularly visits her mother's grave in the same cemetery. She texted me a photo of the plaque that sits on my father's site. We paid for it, and no one even knew if they even placed it. When my mom passes, she will join my dad. Her 2nd husband has signed up with the local medical school to be a cadaver. He will go directly from the place of his demise to the university, no wake, no embalming, etc. His instructions are for us to have a big Irish Wake with lots of drinking and toasting.

 

[geist1223]

Patti and I have had this discussion several times. Initially Patti wanted her ashes to be placed at Arlington with her Mother. I wanted my ashes buried in my Father's grave in Dallas Oregon. Neither of us was totally happy with the cross country separation. I finally proposed a solution Patti liked. Whomever survives will take some of the ashes with them on each trip around the Country/World. Those ashes will be spread during the trip. So a part of us will end up at each of our favorite destinations.

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

I told the kids that after I'm dead, I don't think it will make a bit of difference to me what they do with my remains.

If however, it is important to them to do something with my remains and they feel so motivated, one (or more) of them could scatter my remains on the Maha'ulepu shoreline on Kaua'i. And since it's windy there they should take note of which direction the wind is blowing so they can avoid having a Lebowski moment.

 

[jehb2]

My friend's grandfather use to say "Shove a soup bone up my a-- and let the dogs get me."

 

[Talent312]

My DW and family agreed to scatter my ashes in Biscayne Bay, off Miami.
I gave them the alternative of Bay of Biscay, France, near Bordeaux.
I added: If you take a boat out, feel free to cast some lines, as well.
.

 

[VacationForever]

It is stated in my trust... to be cremated, no memorial service, no funeral, no anything. It is up to my heir to scatter or whatever they wish.

 

[Mosescan]

My mother passed a little over a year ago and when I get the chance I will scatter her ashes at the stock car track where we spent many summer Saturday nights while I was growing up. I even spent a season racing there. She loved going to the races. Even after I joined the forces full time and moved away she always went to the races. We used to joke that I would just put her in a paper bag and after the races were over and I was walking over to the pits I would poke a hole in the bag and just spread here across turns 1 and 2. Its a dirt track so she'd just get worked right in and be there forever.

 

[rickandcindy23]

Cremation for me. The soul isn't the body. We are hardware (bodies) and software (spirit). I just heard that today and found it appropriate.

 

[nightnurse613]

My husband has been reminding me that my mother's ashes are still in the living room and should be gone. He's going to Los Angeles this summer and has been thinking about spreading her ashes in the Pacific Ocean. Apparently it is a big issue (permits??) and hundreds of dollars to charter a boat. I'm thinking he should just go on a tour and "opps" it over the side!!

 

[vacationhopeful]

My younger brother died suddenly when he was 3 months old. My parents brought 4 grave site plot in a new section of the local cementry. Our mother went EVERY Sunday after church with us 3 older kids in tow .. for HOURS, for YEARS, every season of the year and in all weather. It became less than every week when another sister was born. And when my sister 10 years younger came along, it was just some holidays visits to the grave site ... but still there were the hours of crying.

I was there a couple of months ago ... with my TX sister who is 6 years younger than me. She had asked if I knew where the grave site was ... I just smiled. The trees have all gotten way BIGGER, there are hundreds more grave stones but I had no problem finding the plot.

As for the 4th plot ... after our parents passed almost 20 years, that TX sister gave me that last plot.. as a "Christmas present" from my parents... so said the card.

 

[Bailey#1]

I spread my sister's ashes at the finish line at the Saratoga Race track so I tell our family and friends that if you want to see her just watch the Travers Stakes on TV in August, and don't forget to raise your glass.

 

[Patri]

Most of us are shifting towards cremation. But try not to dictate too much what your heirs should do afterwards. Make your wishes known, but give the kids a little leeway. Grief is personal, and some may need to mark your death differently than you demand now. One friend scattered her dad's remains as he wanted, but it was traumatic. They did not look like she expected. So that's her memory of what was supposed to be a beautiful moment.
There is healing in some sort of service where friends (yours and theirs) can share condolences and stories. Maybe it is a party in a bar, or a church funeral. You are dead anyway. Allow the living to grieve in the way that serves them best.

 

[Iggyearl]

I spread my sister's ashes at the finish line at the Saratoga Race track so I tell our family and friends that if you want to see her just watch the Travers Stakes on TV in August, and don't forget to raise your glass.

So that's where they got the phrase, "Graveyard of favorites."

 

[Timeshare Von]

This is something we are going to be doing soon. We bought a plot next to my parents, but since we have been in Florida 30 years and our children are in Florida we are going to buy a plot in Florida.
Going to offer our plot to my siblings before selling it.
Silentg

I'm in the same boat. I too own the adjacent site to where our parents are buried. Neither of my sisters, nor their kids, want the plot. Living in Wisconsin, I will not be returned to Virginia when I die. So I too own a plot that seemingly nobody wants to buy.

 

[AnnaS]

I had no preference - buried/cremated. Hubby wants the crypt? I call them draws on a wall. This is what we bought and paid for about 6 years ago. He was afraid if he went first, I would buy burial plots.
Just like Real Estate - prices vary. Which section, level, side by side, one above the other, etc. etc. It is nice to get it out of the way so the kids don't have to worry about it some day.

My parents are also on the wall (different section) and my in-laws are also on the wall (different cemetery).
We cannot sell these and make a profit - we can re-sell to the Archdiocese for the same price we paid.

 

[WinniWoman]

I remember my dad being mad at his brother- my uncle- when he wanted to sell his fathers drawer in the mausoleum which was right above his mothers'. My grandfather had remarried and moved to Italy not long after my grandmother died and eventually was buried there when he passed. My dad refused to sell the drawer here and have a stranger placed above my grandmother, so he bought his brothers' stake in the burial drawer out and left it empty and that is how it is to this day.

Me- I want to be cremated and my ashes spread over my favorite lake or along the shore. My husband doesn't like to talk about his own death. There is an empty plot next to his dad and mom but it is an hour from here and when we move to another state it won't be practical.

 

[PigsDad]

When we were in Denmark visiting my wife's relatives, we visited a cemetery where some of her ancestors were buried. It turns out over there you only rent a plot, usually for 50 or 75 years. Your family can choose to renew, but if they don't, your plot is re-used. Not sure if they just stack, or remove the remains? It was almost 30 years ago, and I didn't think of asking.

Kurt

 

[Luanne]

I remember years ago when my older dd was about 7 or 8 for some reason on a family vacation, while we were in the car, she started asking about where her grandfather (my dad) was buried. We may have been driving by a cemetery. How to explain to a child that we had NO idea where grandpa was. How to explain to a child that we'd had him cremated (in other words burned up) and then scattered. To make matters "worse" my mom was in the car with us. Luckily mom had no problems discussing it. However, at this point I don't remember WHAT we told dd.