[2007] Close Encounters Of The Doofus Kind.

[ScoopKona]

I woke up once in Africa, and stretched and rammed my hand right into a metal ceiling fan going full-speed. I cut my index finger clear to the bone.

Nice scar for that one. I had to stitch it myself -- there was no doctor in town.

For every Linus Pauling or Neil deGrasse Tyson out there, there's about 500,000 of "us."

 

[AwayWeGo]

Doofus Moves Keep On A-Coming -- Even On Timeshare Vacation.

When we checked in to our nice 2BR timeshare unit last Saturday, the freezer bin under the ice maker was full. Preferring to start out fresh with new ice, we dumped all the old cubes into the sink. Next morning, the kitchen sink had about 3 inches of standing water from the melted ice. That afternoon, the water was still there, so I phoned maintenance to get the blocked sink drain cleared. In a jiffy, 2 clean-cut maintenance guys were at the door, responding to the call. They came in & took a look. One guy reached through the water & took out the (black) stopper. All the water ran right down the drain. I just assumed the sink drain was open & never thought a stopper might be in place. What a doofus ! (Me, not the maintenance guys.)

Yesterday, after showering down following a pleasant swim in the resort pool plus floating 1 circuit through the resort lazy river & zooming down the resort water slide, I couldn't find my eyeglasses anywhere. Looked all over the whole timeshare condo, in & under everything, tidying up as I went to make sure I didn't overlook any potential hiding places for a pair of specs. Pretty soon there was nowhere left to look. Even though I was pretty sure I had not worn my glasses to the pool, The Chief Of Staff suggested going back down to see if I was wrong about that. A lifeguard said somebody turned in a set of glasses that a resort guest had found at the bottom of the pool, & those had been taken to the front desk. The front desk person asked what kind of glasses I had lost, & promptly handed them over when I said a pair of man's trifocals. What a doofus ! (Me, not the lifeguard or The Chief Of Staff or the front desk person.)

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

 

[tchr54]

Thanks for the kind words. Much appreciated.

But the whole truth is that I'm the lucky one.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

I have to second that remark!! Each day I thank God for my DW!!!
Ed of Ed and Kay
Clinton, Mo

 

[AwayWeGo]

Doofus Move Of The Day.

This morning, as usual, I loaded up the coffee maker with fresh, cold water & a fresh new paper filter & just the right number of scoops of ground coffee.

I pushed the button, as usual.

Coffee started brewing, as usual.

Unfortunately, I had forgotten to place the glass coffee pot under the spout where the fresh-brewed coffee streams out.

I discovered that omission when I saw an ocean of coffee flowing all over the kitchen counter & the floor & everything.

What makes it worse is that I'm sure I am the ONLY person on Tug Two Dot Net or Tugbbs Dot Com who has EVER done that.

What a doofus !

( Me, not you. )

Sheesh.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

 

[Rose Pink]

Good morning, Alan!

 

[Kay H]

Alan, it must be age. I think we're pretty close in that area. I don't drink coffee, so I haven't exactly mimicked your deed but I have done plenty of other things that equal your (your word) doofus. As long as we can laugh at it, I guess we're safe. I hope the day doesn't come when I no longer see te humor in it.

 

[AwayWeGo]

The Home For The Terminally Doofus.

Alan, it must be age.

I've told The Chief Of Staff that when the time comes, she can just drop me off at the home.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

 

[Passepartout]

I had forgotten to place the glass coffee pot under the spout where the fresh-brewed coffee streams out.

I discovered that omission when I saw an ocean of coffee flowing all over the kitchen counter & the floor & everything.

What makes it worse is that I'm sure I am the ONLY person on Tug Two Dot Net or Tugbbs Dot Com who has EVER done that.

What a doofus !

( Me, not you. )

Sheesh.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

I have not only done that at least once, but on multiple occasions I've forgotten to dump the previous dregs from the carafe before instigating a max-fill fresh load. Same result. Same doofus. Different day.

Jim Ricks

 

[AwayWeGo]

Varieties Of Mr. Coffee Doofus Experience.

I have not only done that at least once, but on multiple occasions I've forgotten to dump the previous dregs from the carafe before instigating a max-fill fresh load.

I usually finish off the last coffee in the pot every day.

Plus, I am in the habit of swishing out the pot thoroughly after the coffee is gone, then using the pot to measure the water for the next batch of coffee. (I don't trust the gradations inscribed on the water reservoir.)

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

 

[Passepartout]

I usually finish off the last coffee in the pot every day. Plus, I am in the habit of swishing out the pot thoroughly after the coffee is gone, then using the pot to measure the water for the next batch of coffee.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

I get into trouble when I brew a second pot in a day and don't finish it, and I don't have enough clearance above the trusty Capresso for it's own pot of water, so I have to use a stainless foaming pot ala high class coffee shoppe's to fill.

We doofuses have found ways to mask our doofusisms. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.... Jim

 

[AwayWeGo]

Doofus Redemption.

My pocket calendar that I seriously misplaced last month -- that I had given up on finding -- turned up this morning when I was not even looking for it.

I know I had it at the knee doctor's office on August 17 -- even folded up a prescription slip & tucked that inside the cover -- but after I got home I couldn't find the calendar anywhere & I soon ran out of places to go look for it using the Think System. I even phoned the 2 places I stopped for errands on the way home from the knee doctor. What a doofus. (Me, not you.)

Oddly (or not), the calendar was in the deepest recess of a top drawer where I sometimes store the calendar for safekeeping when it's not in my pocket, but it was hidden under some other stuff way in a back corner. That's why I didn't notice it there when I looked for it in that drawer right after it went lost.

So now once again I have all the stuff I had just resigned myself to living without -- phone numbers, addresses, dates where I'm supposed to go places & do things, various cards & slips of paper, photo of my grandson, TKR card, $50 emergency cash, copy of Medicare card, etc.

This is not the 1st time something that was "lost" turned up later. I discovered a few years ago that in the overload of horns around here, I could no longer find a Conn 6D that The Hazardous Wind Ensemble lent me & would not let me return even after I retired from the Interior Department.

Many months later the 6D turned up at my brother's house. I had completely forgotten that he borrowed it, just for some tentative & experimental tooting, not with the idea in mind of changing permanently from tuba to horn. When the 6D reappeared at my brother's house, he asked me to take it back because he had been done with it a long time. That horn is now in the hands of a high school student we know,
although I don't know whether he stuck with horn & may still be playing. So it goes. (There are still too many French horns around here, but they're all accounted for & 1 "valvectomy" horn -- a modern horn with its valve & valve-slide cluster removed to simulate a classical-era "natural" horn -- is on eBay. But that's another story.)

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

 

[Rose Pink]

My memory is slipping, too. I get so frustrated looking for something that I know I see everyday but when I go to get it, I can't find it.

 

[AwayWeGo]

Doofus Adventures -- Automotive Division.

We recently bought a near-new (i.e., used) car.

One nice feature about buying a car that's used is that everything it's equipped with comes standard. What it already has on it is everything that it's going to have. What's not already there it's not going to have. No options. No problem.

We couldn't find an owner manual anywhere in the newish car, so I cleverly ordered an official replacement via eBay for $22 (including shipping), Buy It Now.

Right after that, I noticed a special cubbyhole hidden away inside the glove compartment opening where the owner manual was stowed, out of the way but convenient & right at hand (if you know where it is).

So the $22 with which I sprang for the eBay replacement owner manual is a needless expenditure that I could have used for some other productive purpose -- e.g., PowerBall tickets or some such.

Now The Chief Of Staff & I will have His & Hers car owner manuals -- which we need like a frog needs a hair net.

What a doofus ! (Me, not you.)

So it goes.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

 

[UWSurfer]

You could always re-list it on e-bay.

 

[AwayWeGo]

Doofus Redemption.

You could always re-list it on e-bay.

Good idea.

I expect that's what we'll do.

No need around here for separate His & Hers dueling car owner manuals.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

 

[AwayWeGo]

I Am Not The Only One.

Click here for a selection of other people's adventures in doofus land.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

 

[AwayWeGo]

Doofus Blunder That's Instantly Self-Punishing.

While demolishing an unneeded storage cabinet, using a maul, so that the wooden panels could be stacked in a large construction-style dumpster that was available, I quickly got the thing reduced to just 3 panels -- 2 ends & 1 middle.

Standing what was left of the cabinet on 1 end, I noticed I could separate the other end piece just by pulling up on it, just so something was holding down the bottom end. Otherwise the whole thing would just tip when I lifted up.

So, to hold the bottom down while I tore off the top, without looking down & noticing the sharp nail sticking up at the edge, I stepped right down on that edge with the protruding nail. Ow!

Dang. That nail stuck right through the rubber-sole shoe I had on & jabbed right into the meaty part of my foot in back of my 4th toe.

I tried to shake off the hurt while completing the cabinet demolition & disposal job. After a while it wasn't too bad. I washed & dried the affected area & applied antiseptic ointment plus a band-aid, knowing I would still have to go in for a tetanus shot & possibly for treatment of the puncture wound if it didn't heal up pretty quick.

Following total knee replacement surgery last year, I am under strict instruction from my orthopedic surgeon to guard against possible sources of infection. I can't even go to the dentist unless I have a bunch of antibiotic medicine on board an hour ahead of the appointment.

I called the orthopedic office to fess up about my doofus move. The knee doctor said to go to my local family doctor, so I did.

Noticing the hideous purple scar on my left knee, where the prosthetic joint had been installed surgically, the family doctor said, "Please tell me it's not your left foot that got hurt."

Unfortunately, it is my left foot. The doctor poked around a bit to see if the wound site was swollen or reddened or tender (possible signs of infection). Fortunately, it wasn't bad although it still hurt. He shook his head & prescribed 500 mg of cephalexin to take 3 times daily for 10 days. I escaped getting a tetanus shot because my most recent booster was less than 10 years ago & the doctor said those shots last for 10 years.

Macho man that I sometimes pretend to be, I went ahead with my exercise routines on the day of the accident & the following day (wimpy workout 1 day, wimpy weights the next). But yesterday I skipped it, thinking it just might be a good idea to take it easy on my hurt foot. That paid off. It's so much better that now I hardly notice it at all -- even resumed wimpy workout this afternoon with no foot pain & no ill effects.

I pretty much go round with an attitude of gratitude all the time anyway, because of the abundant life I have been given to live. (Gratitude is the only honest & appropriate response.) Today, because of so quick a recovery after such a doofus move Monday morning, every step has been an answered prayer.

Full Disclosure: That wasn't the 1st time I stepped on a nail. When this house was under construction back in the mid-1980s, while walking around the site I got a real bad puncture wound from stepping on a nail when I had rubber-sole hush-puppy shoes on. What made that a double-doofus move was the fact that I owned a pair of steel-shank & steel-toe work shoes but I didn't think to put those on before tromping around the new construction on our house in hushpuppies. What a doofus! (Me, not you.)

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

 

[AwayWeGo]

How Many Doofuses Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb ?

Only 1, but it took me all morning & part of the afternoon.

The burnt-out bulb was on the underside of the over-the-stove microwave, strategically positioned to light up whatever is cooking on the range top.

The bulb socket was behind a glass cover inside a tiny compartment on the underside of the microwave -- no problem, except that the glass part of the bulb separated from the screw base, leaving the base stuck in the bulb socket.

Getting the broken-off base out of the bulb socket might not have been much toruble if -- if -- it had been possible to poke long-nose pliers or something similar into the base in a more or less straight-ahead way, so as to be able to unscrew the stuck base. No such luck.

Eventually I was able to bend all the metal edges of the bulb base inward so that I could start unscrewing the twisted wreckage using tiny long-nose pliers with their points poked into the center of the mass, without damaging the bulb socket.

The replacement bulb works OK.

All's well that ends well.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

 

[Patri]

Never tried it, but one suggestion is to stick a potato in the socket to twist it out.

 

[AwayWeGo]

Let There Be Light.

Never tried it, but one suggestion is to stick a potato in the socket to twist it out.

Short piece of carrot, maybe.

Potato, doubtful in this instance.

I think the veggie trick might work great when the glass is broken. The jagged edge could dig into the potato or carrot, etc., & what's left of the light bulb might unscrew semi-easily by twisting the chunk of vegetable.

The microwave light bulb did not break. The glass part separated cleanly from the screw-in base. Plus, the base is an odd intermediate size -- smaller than a refrigerator-type appliance bulb & larger than a night-light bulb.

Main problem was getting at the socket containing the broken off bulb base, because of the bulb's recessed location.

The lamp enclosure had practically no room to spare -- not a problem for removing & installing intact bulbs, but big problem when the glass part separates from the metal base.

At least I had the presence of mind (this time) to disconnect the microwave from power before starting on the broken bulb removal project.

No blood was shed. No property was damaged. No one experienced electrical shock. Nothing, really, to complain about -- other than the effort it to remain patient & calm.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

 

[AwayWeGo]

Doofus Car Horn Transplant.

We decided the standard-equipment horn on our small car is too feeble -- makes too little noise to warn anybody of anything, & is more likely to make people laugh than get out of the way.

So we ordered a set of auto horns designed to make the Nissan Cube honk more like a Buick Lucerne.

Ordering loud horns is the easy part. Getting'm installed is the not-easy part.

Fortunately, we found U-Tube video showing how to install car horns step by step -- same kind of car as ours, same kind of horns as the set we bought.

Easy as pie. Piece of cake.

Unfortunately, the actual installation job didn't go just exactly as smooth as shown in the video. Plus, the video leaves out or speeds over some of the key steps -- such as physically mounting the horns, what size fuse to install in the in-line fuse holder, where & how to mount the horn relay, etc. Lacking that how-to information, we just improvised.

Doofus that I am, I managed to fumble away 3 plastic clips needed for reattaching the grille, which had to be taken off not only to get at the old horn for de-installation, but also to provide access to the space for the new horns. The clips are gone -- disappeared invisibly when I clumsily lost hold & they fell down into the lower recesses of the front of the car, somewhere below the radiator & completely out of sight.

The car is back together now, new horn & all, except for those 3 clips. I plan on buying 1 replacement clip from the car dealer. The other 2 I'm not sure I can figure out how to install correctly anyway, so I'll see what happens by just doing without those.

Meanwhile, the car's original little apologetic meep-meep horn is gone. In its place now is an energetic & authoritative dual-done horn that blows with a major serious HONK-HONK that's more apt to get people's attention.

Finished the job before it got dark outside. No blood was shed, although the backs of both hands got scraped slightly while working in tight spots . No property was damaged, unless you count the loss of those 3 little grille-mounting clips. No swear words or vulgarities were uttered. In all, I can't complain.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

 

[AwayWeGo]

Doofus Expired Safety Inspection Sticker.

Meanwhile, the car's original little apologetic meep-meep horn is gone. In its place now is an energetic & authoritative dual-done horn that blows with a major serious HONK-HONK that's more apt to get people's attention.

State safety inspection sticker on the car expired 12-31-2011, so we did not drive it on January 1, 2012.

But bright & early on January 2, I drove to the end of the waiting line at an official inspection station, waiting my turn & moving a car-length ahead as each of the 2 cars ahead of me got driven into the inspection bay.

When it was my turn, the safety inspector got behind the wheel. He tooted the aftermarket horn as he drove into the garage. It blared nice & loud.

The car passed inspection, new horn & all, so it is officially good to go for another year.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

 

[UWSurfer]

I did the same with a Mitsubishi built Dodge D-50 pickup years ago, stopping by a junk yard & purchased a salvaged horn from a larger, american vehicle. Fortunately it swapped out one for one with the horn just mounting under the hood on a fender.

It made a significant difference when needed.

 

[Passepartout]

Alan, has anyone else caught on that you have a bit of a horn fetish?

Jim

 

[AwayWeGo]

It's Not Just The Horn -- It's The Way That You Honk It.

Alan, has anyone else caught on that you have a bit of a horn fetish?

Click here & here for some TUG-BBS reading material about car horns & musical horns.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​