Wedding etiquette question

[Luanne]

Here people are EXPECTED to gift to cover the dinners. At work one day I over heard a mother talking about how cheap people gving wedding gifts to her daughter. An example she gave was a wedding gift of one hundred dollars when each plate cost 150.00...So, the parent expected the guest to give three hundred or more for a wedding gift.

Too bad many feel this way. I am glad that I do not attend many weddings.

I think this question was already asked, but how do guests know how much was spent?

Glad I'm in an area where this is not the expectation. :ignore:

 

[m61376]

Having recently been the mother of a bride I can tell you weddings bring out the crazy side of people. That said, while I have often heard that gifts should at least cover the per plate cost, I am of the firm opinion you give what you want to/can afford to and base it upon the relationship. It matters not whether the affair is an all out one at Oheka Castle or a more modest luncheon; I give for the person/people involved. I did not expect anyone to pay for what the wedding that we chose to make cost per person, nor do I expect to pay for anyone else's choices.

I actually had this conversation a few weeks ago with a friend, who rewrote a check at an affair because it was such a lavish party; I strongly disagreed with that. I'd recommend the OP give a small, perhaps sentimental gift, that they could afford and might be more meaningful and appreciated than many of the checks received. If they are the right kind of friends they'll understand the costs entailed with just being there and appreciate any gesture you make.

 

[geekette]

Here people are EXPECTED to gift to cover the dinners. At work one day I over heard a mother talking about how cheap people gving wedding gifts to her daughter. An example she gave was a wedding gift of one hundred dollars when each plate cost 150.00...So, the parent expected the guest to give three hundred or more for a wedding gift.

Too bad many feel this way. I am glad that I do not attend many weddings.

and I am glad to not be invited to that kind of thing. I would not be able to afford it. If I were the bride, I would be heartsick at needing to leave off the guest list 'all those cheap people' that are dear friends of mine.

Better than having my mother trash talk them for not caving to the extortion demand- er, invitation.

 

[geekette]

Moral of the story, bury hatchets (if only for a day), and bring a gift, even if it is a trinket. And don't walk in after the ceremony is over and then comment, "well these things NEVER start on time!"

I'm with you on burying hatchets (certainly don't make the bride and groom suffer due to things their parents/relatives did/didn't do). What a tradegy to miss out on Uncle Bob at my wedding because he is on the outs with Cousin Randy. what does that have to do with me???

Bringing a gift - not with you on this.

First, gifts should always be shipped to the home if possible. Bringing a gift is fine, but far easier on the wedding party to already have it at its destination so no one has to mess with it on the big day.

Second, a wedding invite is not an obligation to buy a gift. Invites should never contain info on where a couple is registered (no matter how popular that custom has become, it's tacky and presumptive). People should not feel compelled to give a gift, they should give a gift if they are so moved to do so. A card expressing good wishes is always good, and a fine substitute. If you want to put money in it, go ahead.

this is all my opinion only, not really sayign what anyone else should or shouldn't do (realized it sounded that way)

Being late? crap, it does happen, more often than I'd like to admit (last weddign I attended, teh church address was wrong, did not exist! the wedding did start late because some of the wedding party did not get there in time due to this fun quirk)

But if a person is late, quietly observe whatever remains, and keep your snarky comments to yourself. The bride and groom planned the day to go a certain way, guest role is to go with it, and do the best one can to get there on time and be a good guest (which means not complaining that the dip isn't very good, drinks are watered, or whatever. shut up and be a part of their special day, it ain't about You)

I hate being seated at a table with complainers, as if the event should have been designed to make them happy, and to hell with the marrying couple ...

 

[laurac260]

Bringing a gift - not with you on this.

First, gifts should always be shipped to the home if possible. Bringing a gift is fine, but far easier on the wedding party to already have it at its destination so no one has to mess with it on the big day.

Second, a wedding invite is not an obligation to buy a gift. Invites should never contain info on where a couple is registered (no matter how popular that custom has become, it's tacky and presumptive). People should not feel compelled to give a gift, they should give a gift if they are so moved to do so. A card expressing good wishes is always good, and a fine substitute. If you want to put money in it, go ahead.

this is all my opinion only, not really sayign what anyone else should or shouldn't do (realized it sounded that way)

I hear what you are saying, but I also am the sort that doesn't show up even for a dinner invite without bringing something, a bottle of wine, an appetizer, bread, so I can't imagine coming to someone's wedding, eating their food, and not at least bringing some gesture of a gift. Now, if it was great Aunt Ida and I know she saved up to come to my wedding and it was a great feat for her to even BE THERE, to me that would be gift enough. When it is an Uncle who drove 15 minutes and frankly I only invited to keep family peace, I guess missing the wedding and not bringing at least a card, but eating the free food, made me even more annoyed than the fact that he was there in the first place. The wedding was at his sister's (my aunt's) house, so I couldn't NOT invite him. I'd sooner have invited my cousin's neighbor's mailman than him, frankly. But oh well. My point was, at least bring something.

 

[geekette]

I hear what you are saying, but I also am the sort that doesn't show up even for a dinner invite without bringing something, a bottle of wine, an appetizer, bread, so I can't imagine coming to someone's wedding, eating their food, and not at least bringing some gesture of a gift. Now, if it was great Aunt Ida and I know she saved up to come to my wedding and it was a great feat for her to even BE THERE, to me that would be gift enough. When it is an Uncle who drove 15 minutes and frankly I only invited to keep family peace, I guess missing the wedding and not bringing at least a card, but eating the free food, made me even more annoyed than the fact that he was there in the first place. The wedding was at his sister's (my aunt's) house, so I couldn't NOT invite him. I'd sooner have invited my cousin's neighbor's mailman than him, frankly. But oh well. My point was, at least bring something.

I also never go to an event without bringing SOMETHING. Sometimes it is a small bouquet from the grocery store, a bottle, something. yes, we agree on that, no matter how much the host says "we don't need you to bring anything but yourself...."

Back when I could afford pretty much nothing but the travel, I brought a card to weddings.

While I think that you and I agree on what WE would do, there are those like my mother who can't afford much of anything so would probably decline an invite from people she loves rather than show up with nothing. For her, I say, they wanted you there, go and share the day, take a card. They will understand. I think they would prefer a heartfelt card more than some cheap piece of crap being regifted from her guest room. I would hate to get a thank you where the couple was trying to be gracious, but what can be said about this white elephant crap? Is it a joke? I don't want to make it uncomfortable on the couple, nor would I want them forever associating me with the trinket I brought. Nah, I'd rather give an awesome baby shower gift a few years later when I'm in better straights when maybe they were thinking I'd just send a card...

I just wanted to point out that an invite is not to be viewed as a gift grab. and those issuing the invites should be doing so because they want the people at their wedding, not because they think Auntie Moula is going to give them a whopper of a gift.

I feel for your HAVING to invite someone you didn't want there. All the worse for it to be an ungracious slob.

 

[Patri]

Here people are EXPECTED to gift to cover the dinners. At work one day I over heard a mother talking about how cheap people gving wedding gifts to her daughter. An example she gave was a wedding gift of one hundred dollars when each plate cost 150.00...So, the parent expected the guest to give three hundred or more for a wedding gift.

Too bad many feel this way. I am glad that I do not attend many weddings.

That is getting pathetic. Maybe with the invitation should come with a choice of food packages, Happy Meal $5, chicken/ribs $15, lobster $25, or whatever a caterer is charging. Can't imagine what people get for $150.
Then the guest will know how much to pay for a gift.

 

[geekette]

That is getting pathetic. Maybe with the invitation should come with a choice of food packages, Happy Meal $5, chicken/ribs $15, lobster $25, or whatever a caterer is charging. Can't imagine what people get for $150.
Then the guest will know how much to pay for a gift.

or how much they save by declining the invite.

 

[elaine]

If you attend, you should give a gift. If you decline, you can send a gift or not. I usually send a gift--even if it is just a $25 gift card.

re. question about the gift from 1 year ago with no thank you note: I assume your CC was billed? If so, I would call the store and confirm shipping. Even at 1 year out, the store should have shipping records.
We had some weird gift things at our wedding--like the very wealthy couple who had known my parents for 20 years attending our wedding with no gift. Just as likely that something was never shipped to us---maybe they also felt slighted by my lack of note? Who knows.

 

[esk444]

Here people are EXPECTED to gift to cover the dinners. At work one day I over heard a mother talking about how cheap people gving wedding gifts to her daughter. An example she gave was a wedding gift of one hundred dollars when each plate cost 150.00...So, the parent expected the guest to give three hundred or more for a wedding gift.

Too bad many feel this way. I am glad that I do not attend many weddings.

I kind of wonder what is the worse etiquette in your area, not giving a gift that is the value of the dinner or the wedding couple/parents broadcasting to their guests that the dinner cost $XX per plate.

Honestly, how in the world is a guest supposed to figure that out? I'd be embarrassed to even ask. The only people I know that know that kind of stuff are those that talk wedding shop talk with the parents or bride. It's not like that's a lot of people.

 

[MuranoJo]

...Second, a wedding invite is not an obligation to buy a gift. Invites should never contain info on where a couple is registered (no matter how popular that custom has become, it's tacky and presumptive). People should not feel compelled to give a gift, they should give a gift if they are so moved to do so....

Amen! Seems all the invitations we've gotten for some time now (baby shower, bridal shower or wedding) have the info. on where they're registered. It's like, "Of course you'll bring a gift, so get us something we want."

Sure, this can provide guidance to those who are grasping for an idea for a gift, any idea.

But imagine our dismay the first time we got one of these from an 'acquaintance's' daughter many years ago: The only thing we could afford on the list was a dinner plate (one plate) from an expensive place setting.