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Vacationing with parents

I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone who is close to the age of your parents, and as someone who regrets not having taken my Mom to Hawai'i with us while she was still able to travel. I've also had to deal with uncomfortable in-law relations.

With that out of they of the way, I totally agree with those who are saying don't bring your parents along.

From what you've posted, I think your wife is sending clear messages that it would not be a vacation for her. Don't miss the message.

Your wife is your first priority. If she wouldn't enjoy the vacation, don't force the issue. There's a 75% chance that this will be the vacation from hell. She won't enjoy it, and because of the tension, you won't enjoy and neither will your parents. I've been there and done that. It took me about three times to get the message before I said "Never again".

Absolutely spend time with your parents before they are gone, but if DW is not on board, don't force the issue here. She clearly is not totally comfortable around them; if you respect her, don't force her into spending time with them when it is a time she wants to get away.
 
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The wife of a business associate of mine had pancreatic cancer, a whipple operation, and several weeks of radiation and chemo. A terrible thing, with not a great rate of survival.

They have a married son with two grandchildren (18 & 16), and they booked 3 rooms on the 12 night Princess Med cruise (sharing the costs) starting in Spain ending in Venice. They all knew there is a good chance this might be their last trip all together. So sad.

They just returned yesterday .. had a wonderful time together, met tons of people, saw many things, took dozens of pictures ... with three men to push her wheelchair. If made my heart feel good that 3 generations of this family could enjoy more than a week together and make memories that will last a lifetime. After some of the posts in this thread I was convinced they would have had a terrible time. Surely it doesn't take a tragedy to enjoy your parents company.

Brian
 
I also recommend taking them. My mom is now 96 and not doing well at all and some of my most cherished memories are the vacations we took together. shaggy
 
Life is short and if your mom reminds you to do things you already know, so be it. We have taken our parents with us, when my Dad was in the beginning of his descent into Alzheimer's and I would not trade those two weeks for anything....and trust me, we all suffered in some degree. Recently, we took our children to Prague. This was such an amazing trip because we could spend quality time in a beautiful place with our children. No parent is perfect, but they will not be around forever. If you can do it, do it. I did not have perfect relatives, but you know what, I miss them now that they are gone, and wish we spent more time together.
 
Let me preface this by saying we generally travel as 3 generations and the memories are truly priceless. Although DH and I have taken some wonderful trips alone, we would not trade any of them for the wonderful memories of our family trips. I can think of no better legacy that we could have passed down to our own kids than the appreciation of family.

That said, if your wife can't approach this looking forward to the trip, it will likely meet her expectations and be a lousy vacation. However, if you talk to her and let her know how much this means to you it is possible that she will be more open minded.

Aruba is really a very easy family vacation. The rooms at the SC are large and the lock-off has a separate entrance and even a mini kitchen so your folks can have an early breakfast if they like. The pool and beach are easily accessible and there are great restaurants with food to suit everyone's tastes. And cabs are so easy to get that even with one rental car you can easily go your separate ways if you want.

Although we didn't do this in Aruba, what has worked well for us on other trips (particularly cruises) is that when we wanted to do something that my parents couldn't do (more active activities) is that we planned an alternative for them at the same time, so they didn't feel left out or bored. Afterwards we had fun comparing notes.

Since you know your Mom takes forever to get ready, just remind her a bit earlier to start getting ready for dinner or wherever you are going. The nice thing about the property is that you can stay at the beach while the parents go back to get ready,or lie down if they need to rest.

If you can convince your wife that both of you will not only share quality time with each other but spend quality time with your parents, then it would be a great trip. My guess is your parents will be looking forward to the trip too and try hard to be accomodating to your wife. Hopefully by the end of the week they will each have a better appreciation of the other. What a wonderful birthday present that would be for you!
 
If you also have individual vacations and recognize that you should also travel with her family (as you seem to have already done), then I see no reason why your spouse should not 'go along' for the ride and minimize the stress. No vacation with additional family is as truly relaxing as just the two of you alone but at the same time, there are unique family moments created that you couldn't get elsewhere. It's really a different set of memories that will last a lifetime. We regularly have vacations alone and others with each other's family. Not as relaxing by far but very memorable indeed. I'm sure that even 'bad' moments/memories will become funny as you think back on them years later - even for your spouse.
 
Just returned yesterday from our extended family vacation - my 85 year old Mom, five adult/teenage children, my sister and brother-in-law, hubby and I. We have two units and everyone is free to do what they please. We don't plan too much and just let things flow. It usually works out that we have two dinners during the week with all 10 in attendance. We've done this trip several years in a row, and every year we notice the decline in my Mom's abilities. The kids lovingly tease my Mom about her diminished hearing, her slow pace, and her favorite activity - an afternoon nap. She lovingly chastises them for sleeping till noon and never making their beds. My life is so busy, I never get to spend time with my sister or niece and nephew, its a joy to just hang out with them and enjoy each other. It's why I bought a timeshare - to share time with my family.

Maria
 
I haven't even fully read all of the posts, but it's obvious so far that there are two camps here - the "you only have so much time with your parents" camp, and the "you'll have the time from hell if you take your parents on vacation" camp.

And both camps are right.

The reason for this is that everyone's families are different. I have the family from hell, and there isn't enough money or vacation time in the world for me to consider vacationing with them. And that's perfectly ok.

That said, my husband's family is wonderful. We took his father on a trip with us last year, and we had a wonderful time. However, I did find that I was needing my own space towards the end of the trip, and I think that's probably true for most people.

Bottom line - do what's best for you and your wife, together. No one can tell you what you should do, and certainly no one has a right to guilt you with the "your parents might not be here much longer" speech. You and your wife, as a couple, should come first and foremost, so work things out with her, and do what's best for both of you. I know I would have resented it if my husband had forced me to take an unwanted vacation with his family. One of the things I love about him is that we make decisions like this together. And as it was, I made the suggestion to take his father on a vacation.
 
Ekaaj
Well said. How your spouse feels is important, family is important ,parents are important. How each of those factors react together on vacation varies from family to family so no one answer is wrong. What works for one does not work for all. We are not stepford people and one has to understand those dynamics to make it work. Just ask anyone who owns a vacation home.

I have limited vacation time,my dad is 89 who I love dearly. So yes, I know how precious time is with him but I know for reasons I won't go into here that I cannot take him with me for a week and I feel very sad that I can't. I took him to my nephew's wedding for a weekend and to my son's graduation for a weekend. I take him on daytrips.
My husband drives 100 miles a day and has a stressfilled job. He does so much for my father as he did for my mother who has passed but I cannot put my husband in a position that will ruin the few days we share on vacation to relax. It is just too much to ask of him. I am a very caring daughter but I know why certain things cannot work.
 
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I'll word it as succinctly as I can "Respect your wife's wishes" This is coming from a person who has already buried both of my parents and their time here is so precious and should be revered but that does not trump your wife misgivings with her mother-in-law
JMHO, Laurie
 
I totally agree with Laurie.
 
I am hearing a lot of anticipatory grieving out there

Knowing you have too loose your parents if you live long enough hurts. I don't think I am hearing just guilt about not spending more vacation time with parents. It sounds more like anticipatory grief. Clearing this source of pain out of your relationships with older relatives often makes spending more time with them pure joy.

Sometimes older people are relived to talk about death with those nearest to them. Adult children need to connect to their parents aging and the plans they are making for themselves. If you give them the openings they will talk if they want to.

My father was very pleased telling us about his $1500 burial policy at the local mortuary establishment. He said don't spend a cent more, get me cremated, put me in the ground next to your mother with a post hold digger and no preachers.

This opened up the subject. Us Kids got to say we loved him and please don't rush to use this policy and he got to express his concerns about his health and his feelings about aging.He seemed to feel a sense of relief that we were talking about the real stuff and not just pushing it under the table.

There are other ways to segue into this conversation. Like talk about the friend at work who is so crushed by her parents death or how some celebrity is dealing with old age, or even why you have life insurance and your concerns about your own mortality.Then if your parent wants to talk about their own concerns the subject is open and you have made it clear you are willing to listen.

If you talk about the inevitable and share your feelings with your parents a lot of the anticipatory grief becomes less pressing and you establish a new level of friendship with you parents. A lot of older people would rather be able to talk intimately with you about life's big issues than go on a week long vacation.

When my father did die we did just what he told us to do. The mortuary "counselor"' tried mobilize our grief to sell us the $10,000 casket and the $20,000 package. The look on her face was wonderful to see when we told her we wouldn't dream of not carrying out the last instructions of our dear father. I still have warm memories of my brother bringing his post hole digger to the cemetery for a private family only interment service. As I earlier said every one''s relationship to their parents is unique!!!
 
I am "the wife" and understand both views

We vacation with my parents, all in 1 TS (2-3 BR) with 3 kids 1X a year and love it. On the other hand, we have taken my MIL on a few trips with us and it is not the same "vacation" at all---not nearly as relaxing, sometimes awkward making conversation, etc.
But, a few years ago, we bought a beach week and I (knowing that I had at least 1-2 other vacations that year planned) suggested that we invite MIL for that beach week. You should have seen my MIL--she had a ball---and we then realized that not only were we going to be inviting her EVERY year, but that we couldn't even trade it because it brought her such joy and she had the next year already "marked" on her calendar 11 months in advance.

I suggest that you talk with your wife, see if she can enjoy herself--and promise if it doesn't work out that you can go alone again.
Also, another option (I highly suggest) is to get a hotel room in Aruba for 1-2 nights in the middle of the week for a break---tell parents you really want to check out this new resort while down there---it's also not too $$ to fly to Curacao--there's a great Marriott there and several folks had come over from Aruba for the night when we were there last year to check out the resort for future stays.
 
Looking at it from a practical standpoint:

Each person's tolerance level for "annoyance" is different. Some of my in-laws can be annoying, yet I get along better with them than my husband does. Often I suggest we invite them onto our timeshare vacations and my husband is the one who says no. I don't force the issue if we don't have consensus. We have gifted vacations to them (and the relatives on my side) instead.

If you force your wife to go on vacation with a MIL that she's not comfortable to be on a week-long vacation with in a timeshare, that's only going to worsen their relationship, which would not be your objective. If you want to spend time with your parents, take them on other vacations, maybe by yourself, and give your wife the option to come or not. Don't create resentment by taking away her Aruba vacation. If you want to take them to Aruba, rent an Aruba week at a different time and take them.

It is understandable that you want to spend time with your parents (and you should), but spending time with them can be done in a lot more ways than taking the risk of worsening the in-law relationships.

Just being practical. :shrug:
 
I wouldn't do it. It does not make you a bad son or person. In our life vacations are very very important and they really need to be relaxing and fun. We do not have enough of them!

Although I am close to my parents, we can't travel together. We took them to Key West with us ONCE and that was enough. If a person annoys you when you are with them for a short time they are going to annoy you BIG TIME when you are on vacation with them for a week. My mother tends to give LOTS and LOTS of annoying advice as well and our vacation turned into a week from hell. We could not wait to go home. Definitely not a vacation we will repeat. My husband would never allow it.

Sue
 
Travelling with other people can be stressful - period. - I would think parents will be a lot easier b/c you can be more tolerant of them than you are of your friends - after all, they took care of you and maybe took you on vacation too and put up with your whining when you were little; they will be gone sooner than you think and you will regret you didnt do it. If a wife resents that, there must be other issues involved in that relationship, more than just sharing a vacation. If your wife knows that's important to you, she can ignore the irritation- after all its only a week. If you can afford a bigger place the better . I think sometimes we forget to think of other things other than our enjoyment - take another trip with your wife w/o them , thats the time to indulge yourselves.
 
I have been on vacation with my x mother in law (when I wasnt married to her son) and my wanta be mother in law and all times worked out good. When the boyfriend and I were invited to go with his parents on a cruise to NZ and Australia (they are in thier 70's) we would go to port with them and they would get tired and go back to the ship, we would explore more.

When I treated for Hawaii, I cant get enough of the beach and water, while the parents liked looking at it from the balcony. They got tired easier and loved taking thier naps, so we did other things while they relaxed. All of us was happy. They have alot of money, (and I dont) so it made me feel good to treat them after the cruises they have sent me on.

I only wished I could have taken my parents on a trip that was my treat. They did so many things for me and I never got chance to repay them. That is one of the greatest regrets of my life but they died much too early.

You should have some ground rules:

This is how it worked when my family and thier family went on vacation last Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was the together meal, that was a must.

We each kind of said what we really wanted to do and we put a plan together. A couple of us went to Disney one day while the rest went to the Gator's game. Some wanted to go to Universal and the others would rather spend more time at the beach. It worked good for us.
 
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I've enjoyed this thread. While I love and appreciate my MIL, we would definitely need separate units. I'm sure that she would say the same.

She seems to enjoy finding things about which to complain. That is, when she's not glued to the tv watching home shopping channels. Fortunately, my husband recognizes this, and is annoyed by her to a greater extent.

We do spend a great deal of time with his folks, but always centered around an activity- usually eating. I would encurage you to take the trip, but please be sure to avoid leaving your wife alone with mom for extended periods. My husband likes to fish with his dad. By the end of the day alone with mom, I'm popping Advil like it's candy.

Jana
 
janapur said:
I've enjoyed this thread. While I love and appreciate my MIL, we would definitely need separate units. I'm sure that she would say the same.

She seems to enjoy finding things about which to complain. That is, when she's not glued to the tv watching home shopping channels. Fortunately, my husband recognizes this, and is annoyed by her to a greater extent.

We do spend a great deal of time with his folks, but always centered around an activity- usually eating. I would encurage you to take the trip, but please be sure to avoid leaving your wife alone with mom for extended periods. My husband likes to fish with his dad. By the end of the day alone with mom, I'm popping Advil like it's candy.

Jana
Click to expand...
They have a saying in the South where I live. " IF MOMMA IS NOT HAPPY, NOBODY IN THE HOUSE WILL BE HAPPY." Now you make a choice. Good luck.
 
squiggle said:
I would think parents will be a lot easier b/c you can be more tolerant of them than you are of your friends - after all, they took care of you and maybe took you on vacation too and put up with your whining when you were little; they will be gone sooner than you think and you will regret you didnt do it.
Click to expand...

LOL, wow, you actually SOUND like my mother, guilt included! Not everyone will regret it; please don't try to needlessly guilt people. Not everyone needs to or should take their parents with them on their vacation. Many people use their vacations to de-stress, and if you are adding stress to the trip, and then you get back home, regret not having a good time, or your spouse gets resentful about the whole thing, it can just add up to an unhappy household overall.

If you really think that all parents should be vacationed with, perhaps you should try vacationing with mine.

squiggle said:
If a wife resents that, there must be other issues involved in that relationship, more than just sharing a vacation. If your wife knows that's important to you, she can ignore the irritation- after all its only a week.
Click to expand...

If there are "other issues" in the relationship between spouse and in-laws, then why would you want to force them into a vacation together? That just doesn't make sense to me. I think that an unwanted "in-law vacation" could actually CREATE more problems in a marriage.

I vacationed with my husband's father, and had a nice time, but there is no way my husband would even consider vacationing with my family - and I understand why and would NEVER force him into it. Just as he didn't force me into vacationing with his father - I suggested it as a possibility. But if I DIDN'T want to share our vacation time with his family, he would understand that, too.

In our home, our marriage comes first and foremost, we talk at length about what's best for BOTH of us, compromise when necessary, and it's worked out quite well. We have a very happy marriage, instead of a miserable one - as we might if either one of us did things like expecting the other to just suck it up and "ignore the irritation" of unwanted guests or in-laws for a week.
 
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Took my parents with us to Aruba too!

In August 2005, my family, consisting of two teenagers, and hubby, brought my parents to the Marriott Aruba with us. Dad has alzheimers but we felt mom needed a vacation and some time to relax. We all took the time and spent it with dad to give mom a break during the week. Yes we did have our moments... especially when dad left the unit in his PJ's and mom did not know he was out in the hall, Dad crawling into bed with my daugher thinking he was getting in his own bed, or when he got lost at the airport...just to mention a few things from a long list of events that week. I look back at that vacation and laugh at all the funny things that happened with my dad. My daughters also get a good kick talking about Poppy. We don't regret it one bit! It was a vacation we all will remember! Dad is currently like a little boy at 83 years old. His time here is limited and we know we did something nice for my mom and dad. I say go for it.

Debbie:hi:
 
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That's why I suggested you take a vacation by yourseleves and indulge! and I am glad I sound like your mother although i did not intend to "guilt people" - guilt after all is someone's reaction depending on one's introspection.

I didnt really mean issues with the spouse and in-laws - it's really issues in the marriage. Nor did I mean parents as unwanted guests - the supposition was the son wanted to invite the parents so i assume they are wanted guests, at least by the son.

Neither did I say all kids should take parents on all their vacations all the time or they should be vacationed with - that depends on the relationship of the child to the parent . I think that if a son wants to spend time with his parents esp if there are kids, wife's presence optional, in a special place esp one the parents can't afford, the wife should not resent this - and should not feel that this is a vacation wasted b/c after all maybe the purpose of the son is not really to vacation with the wife or family but just to be with the parents with the family and maybe jsut once or twice- b/c they may be dead ,disabled , not healthy next year.
What's so bad with that -
and No - I am not the parent being taken to a vacation - I am the DIL.
 
We took Mom on our first exchange and while I was concerned that she would drive DH nuts, it worked out very well.

We would take her again, altho I've sent her on her own vacations, also.

now that she's moving down to where my sister lives, my sister voiced concerns that now they would have to take her on EVERY vacation of theirs. I said no, I'll send her on her own trips, so long as they kick in their FF miles to get her to her destination.

My mother is very independent and has oodles of relatives she could ask to occupy a 2nd bedroom so this is actually something she would like.
 
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