Stay At Home Humor

[DaveNV]

Quarantine problems.

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Quarantine haircut.

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Quarantine discoveries.

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Quarantine doctor visit.

Dave

 

[b2bailey]

Two can play that game.

View attachment 20254

Dave

I suppose I haven't had enough coffee to get the punch-line here. I'll check back later.

 

[DaveNV]

I suppose I haven't had enough coffee to get the punch-line here. I'll check back later.

Five jars of mayonnaise = Cinco de mayo. Just like the ship right above it.

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Quarantine letter from Marine Corps recruit in Basic Training:

******************************************

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 AM. But I’m getting used to it, so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer that before breakfast, you just need to smooth your bed and make some things shine. No pigs to drag, bad luck feed, porridge to mix, wood to split, or fire to lay. Virtually nothing.

Men got to shave but it isn’t so bad, there’s warm water here. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He complains a lot. The captain is like the school board. The majors and the colonels are content to roll around and frown. They don’t bother you.

This next will k…i…l…l Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bullseye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you have to do is lie down comfortably and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6” and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8” and nearly 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

******************************************

Dave

 

[Jan M.]

 

[Talent312]

Humor from my sister-in-law...

Grandma is 88 and has retired to Florida. She still drives. This is what she wrote me:

Dear ----,
The other day, after picking up Jack, I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker in the front window of local Christian bookstore. I was feeling sassy as I had just come from choir practice and a prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper right away.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed as I was on my way home. I stopped at a red light, and just got lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, so I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus that day!

While I was sitting there, the guy started honking like crazy. He then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'' What an exuberant cheerleader for Jesus! Soon, everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those people who loved Jesus.. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There was a guy who must be from Florida. He yelled something about a Sunny Beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked Jack what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. Jack burst out laughing. So even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared. So, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! I wish they were all like this in Florida.
Love,
Grandma

 

[Gypsy65]

 

[plpgma]

Quarantine letter from Marine Corps recruit in Basic Training:

******************************************

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 AM. But I’m getting used to it, so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer that before breakfast, you just need to smooth your bed and make some things shine. No pigs to drag, bad luck feed, porridge to mix, wood to split, or fire to lay. Virtually nothing.

Men got to shave but it isn’t so bad, there’s warm water here. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He complains a lot. The captain is like the school board. The majors and the colonels are content to roll around and frown. They don’t bother you.

This next will k…i…l…l Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bullseye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you have to do is lie down comfortably and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6” and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8” and nearly 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

******************************************

Dave

Ha ha -- Priceless!

 

[Jan M.]

As you wish...... Major shout out to the Weinberg!

 

[Jan M.]

 

[Jan M.]

 

[plpgma]

As you wish...... Major shout out to the Weinberg!

View attachment 20305

Ha - The Weinberg isn't terribly far from where we live -- they've been changing their marquee routinely during the quarantine with witty and pithy sayings!

 

[Ken555]

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[Ken555]

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[DaveNV]

When you try to get some exercise during quarantine...

Dave

 

[Ken555]

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[Ken555]

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[Ken555]

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[Ken555]

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[Luanne]

 

[Passepartout]

Due to the current upset situation caused by the Corona Virus in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.


This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much *bleep* (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of *bleep* they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough *bleep*, please bring this to the attention of your government who has been trained to give you all the *bleep* you can handle. ]

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)



PS - Due to recent budget cuts as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

 

[PrairieGirl]