Stay At Home Humor

[Ken555]

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[Ken555]

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[Ken555]

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[Ken555]

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[Brett]

( a joke)

A guy finds a genie who grants him three wishes, adding that everything the man gets, his wife will get doubly.
“Great,” the guy says, and he wishes for a big house. Then he wishes for a car. Finally, he says, “Okay, now I want you to beat me half to death.”

 

[Passepartout]

 

[Ralph Sir Edward]

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

You'll never see a cornea joke than this...

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[plpgma]

View attachment 40711

Dave

I wonder if his cat had anything to do with that?!

 

[plpgma]

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

A potpourri of pith:

• When men and women agree, it is only in their conclusions; their reasons are always different. George Santayana
• If I ever marry, it will be on a sudden impulse - as when a man shoots himself. H.L. Mencken
• Husbands never become good.; they merely become proficient. More Mencken.
• I gave you a brand new Ford
  But you said: "I want a Ca-dill-ac"
  I bought you a ten dollar dinner
  You said: "Thanks for the snack"
  I let you live in my pent house
  You said: "It was just a shack"
  I gave seven children
  And now you wanna give them back. B.B King
• For awhile, we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have. Woody Allen
• Whenever I date a guy, I think if this is the man I want my children to spend their weekends with. Rita Rudner
• Husbands think we should know where everything is - like a uterus is a tracking device. He asks me, "Roseanne, do we have any Cheetos left?" Like he can't go over to that sofa cushion and lift it himself? Roseann Barr
• I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth. She was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. - Rodney Dangerfield
• Whoever called it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy. Groucho Marx
• I know what true love is. Tracy and Hepburn. Bogart and Bacall. Romeo and Juliet. Jackie and John and Marilyn … Ian Shoales
• Marrying a man is like buying something you have been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house. Jean Kerr
• I come from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. Lewis Grizzard
• It's not the men in my life that counts. It's the life in my men. Mae West
• Men play the game. Women know the score. Roger Woddis

 

[marmite]

.

 

[Tank]

 

[Tank]

 

[Tank]

 

[Ken555]

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[Passepartout]

So I woke up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home. (Don't judge me )Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.!!!

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

A man asked his wife, "If you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?"

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear--everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

Chemists at CalTech recently discovered the chemical shown below, that will revolutionize transportation. Are there any chemistry nerds out there know what it is?

 

[BJRSanDiego]

So I woke up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home. (Don't judge me )Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.!!!

That's a great story. Made me laugh.

 

[plpgma]

 

[Brett]

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]