Stay At Home Humor

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

DaveNV, you are telling us your age. Harry Belafonte singing "The Banana Boat Song" was how many decades ago. LOL

The song is on a Greatest Radio Oldies CD I have. I'm much, much too immature, er... I mean, "much too young" to remember that song.

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

They may want to relocate that sign.

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

The song is on a Greatest Radio Oldies CD I have. I'm much, much too immature, er... I mean, "much too young" to remember that song.

Dave

Or Chubby Checker and the Limbo Rock

 

[Passepartout]

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------------

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------------

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------

Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------------

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife
And Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya' think?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works better than a fair trial!
----------------------------- ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya' think?!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************** ****************************** ********************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ****

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** *****

And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------------

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------------

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------

Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------------

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife
And Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya' think?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works better than a fair trial!
----------------------------- ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya' think?!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************** ****************************** ********************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ****

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** *****

And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

For the Women's Auxiliary rummage sale, the ladies of the church have discarded clothing of every kind . Come see them in the church basement this Saturday.

 

[DaveNV]

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen,
your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her
face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her,"
and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re
getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately.

"You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home
tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper,
DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas
and paying their own airfares."

**************************************

Dave

 

[Quiet Pine]

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

This is funny, but brilliant. If you live in flood-prone places:

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

This made me laugh out loud.

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[Ralph Sir Edward]

This is funny, but brilliant. If you live in flood-prone places:

View attachment 37595

Dave

That's easy!

THE ULTIMATE DEER BLIND!

 

[Passepartout]

Should this be in the Covid forum? Or HGVC? I dunno.

 

[Tank]