Stay At Home Humor

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

Comments on Sex

• My mother told my father to tell me about the birds and the bees. He took me to Coney Island, pointed to a couple making love under the Boardwalk and said, "Your mother wants you to know that the birds and the bees do the same thing". - George Burns
• Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black nightgowns do with keeping warm. - Hester Mundis
• It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained glass window. - Raymond Chandler (Farewell My Lovely)
• He gave her a look you could have poured on a waffle. - Ring Lardner
• It;s hard to be funny when you have to be clean - Mae West
• Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography. - Robert Byrne
• I got kicked of ballet class because I pulled a muscle. It wasn't mine. - Rita Rudner
• Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. - Groucho Marx
• A kiss that speaks volumes is seldom a first edition. - Clare Whitting
• I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead. - Garry Shandling
• He who hesitates is a damned fool. - Mae West
• I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. - Mae West
• The mirror over my bed reads "Objects are larger than they appear". - Garry Shandling
• I've been in more laps than a napkin. - Mae West
• Give a man a free hand, and he'll run it all over you. - Mae West
• I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering in her mouth. - Chico Marx
• Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness. - M. Hirschfield
• Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin. It's the triumphant twang of a bedspring. - S.J. Perelman
• Is sex better than drugs? It depends on the pusher. - Anonymous
• I don't mind sleeping on an empty stomach provided it isn't my own. - Philip J. Simborg
• If I had to live my life over again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. - Tallulah Bankhead
• If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be the least surprised. - Dorothy Parker
• Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself. - Rita Mae Brown
• When I'm good I'm very, very good. But when I'm bad I'm better. - Mae West
• We practice safe sex. We gave up the chandelier years ago. - Kathie Lee Gifford
• She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. - Mae West
• My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month. But I know two guys she's cut out entirely. - Rodney Dangerfield
• It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up. - Joan Rivers
• She was so wild that she made French toast her tongue got caught in the toaster. - Rodney Dangerfield.
• I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas? - Jean Kerr

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

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[Passepartout]

 

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[DaveNV]

Ok, this one made me laugh out loud.

Dave

 

[Passepartout]

 

[Passepartout]

The teacher in the USA gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved, blah blah blah...

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie," she asked, "do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a fighter pilot with the Marine's in Syria. Her aircraft got hit by enemy fire and she was forced to bail out over enemy territory. All she had was a flask full of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank all the whiskey on the way down, in case it got confiscated by Muslims, and her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 ISIS fighters. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last ISIS fighter with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens!,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you the moral to this horrible story actually was?"

"Stay the hell away from your Mother when she's been drinking.”

 

[Bailey#1]

 

[SmithOp]

Should be a sticky in the Covid Forum!

 

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[Ralph Sir Edward]

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

 

[Ken555]

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

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[T_R_Oglodyte]

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[Passepartout]

View attachment 36676

Dave

And why do medications for old people's aches and pains come in packages that only highly dexterous 12-year-olds can get into?

 

[Ralph Sir Edward]

 

[Quiet Pine]

 

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