Speak up or drop it

[Tia]

Speak up or forget about it ?

Just returned Sunday from a last minute warm weather ts vacation trip. Relatives in their late 70's asked me to accompany them or they weren't going to go this year, as they have for many years. There was a possibility they might not even go with me going along all depending last minute. I was asked to fly to relatives state and fly on same flights down and back, taking extra 2 days. I was able to get time off work, last minute. My spouse couldn't go as costs of both of us not doable this year for us.

Anyway I asked a friend to go in case the relatives didn't go and to have someone to do things with. FREE 2wk ts vacation for her in great location, she just had to pay for her plane ticket and meals/expenses. Choice of who could go was limited as not everyone can afford to go + plus go last minute. This friend is not working and easily had the funds to go (inheritance). She chose to make the extra flights with me to fly with the relatives rather then go from home state direct. Anyway my relative decided to send me a check for my friends extra flight expense $400 shortly before leaving on trip . I told my friend and she asked me why he did that?? I said he isn't aware of her financial situation and I suggested if she wanted to she could pay for the car rental that was going to be close to that $.

It bothers me I never heard my friend thank my relative for the ticket nor the 2 weeks free ts vacation, we had our own studio . Friend complain about resort, it's not 5* but 3*. Most days relatives stayed at the resort while friend and I went out and explored the island etc. Most evenings we all had dinners together somewhere that I drove the rental car to. I did all the driving as friend didn't want to pay $50 to be added as driver.

I am waiting to see too if the rental car gets charged for a 4" long scrape on the passenger side door that no one noticed but me second to last day when there wasn't another car parked next to us. There was no damage before and car had less then 400 miles on to start out.

Now friend wants to know if my relatives are paying for the 2 wk car rental too and "NEEDS" her plane fare $ tomorrow as she is going on another trip to CO mtn resort skiing with family staying in condo. Friend paid for one dinner in thanks. My relatives bought us both a dinner in thanks for making their trip possible, friend had lobster.

it it me? My other half who stayed home says write the check and say nothing.

 

[geekette]

ungrateful friend.

I would casually remind about the kindnesses bestowed. I would not send $.

and would most likely not extend an invite again.

I'd stop short of conflict but would give a gentle nudge.

 

[hypnotiq]

Wow. Your friend has balls. But, sometimes, its just easier to be done with it and write the check.

 

[ciscogizmo1]

I agree with your other half and just pay and drop it.

One thing that strikes me in this situation is that you made assumptions about her financial situation. I know you may thinks she has money but maybe she doesn't or it isn't as much as you think. I'm always surprised when I hear the neighborhood gossip on the family that had to foreclose on their home. I never assume anyone's financial situation even if they spend money freely. So, while she should have been grateful she still out of pocket for meals, tours, etc.. It might not have been in her plans and she didn't know how to say "no", etc... Or maybe she is expecting a thank you. Who knows. But now that you know you know not to invite her on vacation again.

 

[presley]

I'd end the transaction ASAP and not invite her again, unless she pays in full for everything.

 

[vacationhopeful]

There are 3 options.
Send note with no money and an accounting of her unpaid benefits. ... meals, car rides, housing, ... which would show her WHO she owed.

Send half with a tamer version of above.

Send her your money to cover her bills.

Anyway, I would distance myself from her. Money is more important than friendship.

Bet she had a good time on her vacation.

 

[Timeshare Von]

First question to you Tia . . . how valued is this friendship? If you're willing to lose it, I think I would be honest with her about how you feel about her actions and apparent lack of appreciation.

I have found that rarely is someone able to just do whatever they need to and let it go. There are almost always harbored ill-will or at the very least uncertainty about things. Unless you are willing to address it straight on with her, you may be only prolonging your disappointment and frustration with her.

I think by addressing it directly, your friendship could come out of this stronger. Then again, as I said, you might lose it altogether . . . which may not be such a bad thing.

The one thing I've learned as I get older is that fewer, better friends are more important and valued than those who seem to pass through, often on their own agenda for what you can do for them. I'm too picky with my relationships to allow the bull$hit that often comes with it.

 

[Tia]

Appreciate everyone's input very much.


ciscogizmo1, While I don't know exactly the amount of $ in the bank/brokerage accts I do know it's multiples of 7 figures from what was said after a second inheritance a couple years back. I saw a check written $40K+ for a vehicle 2 yrs ago, was along for the ride out of town to purchase it. Heard there was cash paid for a $360K house 4 yrs ago after a divorce. + College trust funds for her multiple children "enough for IVY League" with left overs to be distributed later on predetermined ..... ... on it goes.

Yes it maybe time to distance this relationship going forward.

 

[ScoopKona]

Drop it.

You invited her. Deal with the consequences.

 

[Kagehitokiri2]

first, dont pay for people

#1 ive heard from many people >
invite people, and if they show up, they show up, if they dont, they dont

and then dont invite people a second time unless you travel well together etc

 

[Passepartout]

I have invited folks. DWs grown kids. No show. Twice. No more invites. They say they don't like TSs. How would they know?

If I was Tia under these circumstances, I would write to the friend. Explain what it cost to go along. If the friendship ends, so be it. Either way, don't dwell on it.

Sometimes tightwads are wealthy simply because they are tightwads.

Jim

 

[pedro47]

Sounds like your friends needs to take a course in manners 101 and learn two magical words "Thank You."

 

[Kagehitokiri2]

Sometimes tightwads are wealthy simply because they are tightwads.

now that is an interesting reversal i had not heard before

 

[heathpack]

From friend's perspective, if she is wealthy, she did not particularly need a free place to stay and she probably would not have chosen a 3 star resort if she had her druthers. I totally agree though that it is crass for her to have compained about the resort. Consider the possibility that she may be looking at the whole endeavor as a favor to you, so that you had someone to do things with.

It was nice of your relatives to reimburse her flights to their city. It sounds like she did not expect that and was perplexed. Then you suggested that "maybe" she pay for the rental car. It could be that she does not really care who pays for the car, she is just trying to clarify who is paying for what.

I think it would be fine to say something like- "sorry about the confusion over the car, I thought we had left off you were going to pick that up because Aunt Tilly picked up your flights? Maybe I got it wrong, no worries if I did, you need me to re-imburse you for the car rental? I can't ask Aunt Tilly to do so at this point, but I'll pay for it since I am responsible if there was a miscommunication."

If at that point, she asks you to pay for the car rental, then I would give her the money and then let the friendship fade.

H

 

[ricoba]

Drop it.

You invited her. Deal with the consequences.

I may put it a bit more diplomatically, but I agree with this sentiment.

 

[ronparise]

I see this much the same as ciscogizmo1, but Ill go a little further

I think you owe your friend a thank you. You didnt do her a favor, she did you a favor... you asked her to come on this trip

 

[ScoopKona]

I may put it a bit more diplomatically, but I agree with this sentiment.

We have only traveled with friends/family a few times. This has more to do with the fact that what we consider "fun" is more like "work" to many. (We don't do the "rest and relax" thing very well. Instead, we tear through a country, waking up at dawn and going to bed late so we can see and do as much as possible with our precious vacation time.)

That being said, the few times we have gone with friends/family, we made ABSOLUTELY DAMNED SURE that all financial obligations were spelled out PRIOR to booking the trip. Assuming that a rich friend is going to pick up her fair share of the tab is ridiculous. Live and learn. And don't mention it. If someone handed me a bill after taking me on a "free" trip, I'd call foul. I'd also call the person handing me the bill a shrew. (Of course, I would pay my fair-share of things while I was tagging along. That's just my nature. But it's not everyone's nature. Even a tightwad shouldn't get a bill after going on a "free" trip. Even if it was suggested that "maybe" this person take care of a rental car.)

Let the friendship fade if you want. But whinging on about money when no advance agreements were made is very poor form.

 

[Tia]

Thanks all and this is why I asked to get other view points then just my own I told her I was glad she decided to come on the trip w/me a couple times already, so got that covered I think .

 

[vacationhopeful]

.... My spouse couldn't go as costs of both of us not doable this year for us.

Anyway I asked a friend to go in case the relatives didn't go and to have someone to do things with. FREE 2wk ts vacation for her in great location, she just had to pay for her plane ticket and meals/expenses. .....

If this was the "DEAL" as explained to your friend ... then she still owes YOU.

The rental car was part of her expenses as well as the "scrap" on the side of the car.

The $400 from your elderly relatives for her decision to SPEND EXTRA for the side trip to the relatives' town was HER EXPENSE. The check of $400 should be considered money to be returned to YOUR relatives (confused relatives) or shared expenses for your total costs --- the rental car is a good example of shared expenses.

I stand by my comments of SEND HER A BILL and write the friendship off. Your comment that your spouse and you could NOT afford the expense of you both going - if convey to friend - did not mean YOU were paying for her food, entertainment, plane flights ...

As for your USING THE TERM, FREE VACATION .... if those were the only words she heard, you need to learn to NOT use the 'FREE' word. You all had a lodging included and a 'thank you' meal.

As for her ordering lobster ONLY once, you can assume she KNEW she was sharing expenses with you. Grow some and demand your money! Seems she figured out you were a pushover during this trip; push back.

 

[ciscogizmo1]

vacationhopeful does have some good points. I think there might have been a miscommunication between what was covered on this "FREE" trip. I know you said that she has money and shouldn't be an issue for her to drop this kinda of dough (I still think that is an assumption on your part). Yes, she may have 7 figures in the bank but it is her money and she gets to spend it how she likes. If she does truely owe you money I hope she comes through for you but as I stated earlier I think it might have been a case of miscommunication.

Another way to think about assumptions is that I work from home. I can't tell you how many times people think just because I work from home that I have time to do everything. Yes, my job is flexible and I can take and pick up my kids from school but it doesn't mean my schedule is my own. I have deadlines and one mistake I made early on was that I was very flexible in getting things done. But now that I'm wiser I'm finding that my time is valuable and I don't want to spend it running a PTA meeting, fundraiser, volunteering in the classroom, working the book fair, going to daytime meetings, etc... People don't understand I still need to work and what I don't do during the day I have to do at night. So, some nights I'm up until 2 am finishing my work. So, my point is that I've let people assume that my job is easy and flexible and as a result people take advantage of me. I just have learn to say "no". Personally, if I were her I would have never told you about her personal financial situation. I think, both of you are at fault. But this is from an outsider looking in, since I don't know every interaction you had with each other. There is no way for me to make a fair assessment.

Good luck!

 

[Rascalsmom]

Robert Frank in the WSJ:
"When I first started covering the very rich, a wealth manager gave me this piece of advice: “The very rich are like the unemployed, except they don’t have the edifying focus of trying to find a job.”

In other words, clueless about the value of a dollar to someone who has actually worked for it. Does this apply to you friend?

 

[Tia]

Robert Frank in the WSJ:
"When I first started covering the very rich, a wealth manager gave me this piece of advice: “The very rich are like the unemployed, except they don’t have the edifying focus of trying to find a job.”

In other words, clueless about the value of a dollar to someone who has actually worked for it. Does this apply to you friend?

Clueless about the dollar to a point, as was supported by parents right into marriage post college with a controlling stingy x-spouse for 20+ years ( who earned ~ $200K/yr yet complained he needed more). Friend has a LLC check book for chosen large purchases. Post divorce friend worked part-time for ~3 years after having been out of workforce while married, but now is not working and is able to buy whatever she wants cash.

Yes it's expectations and communication variances at work with what happened here.

 

[pjrose]

. . .
Sometimes tightwads are wealthy simply because they are tightwads.

Jim

now that is an interesting reversal i had not heard before

There's a book, titled "The Millionaire Next Door," that includes the advice of living well below your means. Money doesn't grow unless you have surplus money that you don't spend, that can grow for you. (This leaves out inheritance or windfalls of course). Many people are millionaires because of being frugal.

 

[6scoops]

I'm sorry, I'm not getting why relatives paid for her airfare in the first place? That seems overboard, she was already getting free 3 star accomodations. I would send it back to them.

 

[Tia]

He decided to pay because he was trying to help her out and happy to have me going is all I know. It was friends decision to take the extra flights with us, I told her she didn't have to as it was two extra days and the increased cost.

Oh she has no intention of sending it back, she requested a check x2 today. I really hoped she'd be generous and return the favor by putting it toward the car rental, oh so wrong.