Saturday is the day... Dear Dad

[Zac495]

PJ - you're right! He's still such a prof. He keeps saying he desperately wishes he could still teach. Well actually maybe he could , but he wouldn't be able to hear any questions.

Heath - Your post moved me - thanks. I can tell the people really care - that's what I see. I pray they are the same to Dad when I'm not there. I'll see him again today for bridge.

 

[Zac495]

Bad first night

He was lonely and isolated. The nurse wouldn't tell him what his pills were for and he couldn't sleep (though he has a lot of trouble sleeping anyway). The next morning the guard demanded ID which he didn't have. He said it was awful and was told there was no X X (Dad's name) registered. The manager finally intervened. His NY times didn't come and he was generally miserable. He's at the house now (Mom's).

 

[falmouth3]

I'm so sorry to hear that. Completely the opposite of what happened to my mother. She was instantly involved in the activities and they put her at a dining table with women they thought she'd like.

I can only hope it gets better.

Sue

 

[pjrose]

That sounds very strange, especially the ID part. I'd be talking to someone in charge about that!

 

[Jaybee]

Ellen, thank you for posting that picture, so we could all see your dad, and share what you must be feeling.
It reminded me of how my mom used to walk out with me, and stand there, waving, when I drove away. It was heartbreaking, believe me.
When we moved back to California, and Mom needed to go into a nursing home, we brought her up to one near where we lived.
I spent so much time up there, I decided to volunteer with the Activities Dept. (That was the most upbeat dept.) Before long, they hired me to work part time. It was very enlightening work, and i learned a lot, as heathpack did, about patience and understanding.
If I were you, I'd find out if there's an Ombudsman assigned to that facility. They can be very helpful if you encounter problems. Hugs..

 

[Rose Pink]

He was lonely and isolated. The nurse wouldn't tell him what his pills were for and he couldn't sleep (though he has a lot of trouble sleeping anyway). The next morning the guard demanded ID which he didn't have. He said it was awful and was told there was no X X (Dad's name) registered. The manager finally intervened. His NY times didn't come and he was generally miserable. He's at the house now (Mom's).

"The Guard?" Is this a real incident? I only ask that because when my FIL was in the memory care center, he often told me stories about the guards/teenagers/whoever beating him up or threatening him. He would mention that the mother or the administrator had had to have a talk with those bad boys. He never had a bruise on him so I don't think these stories were true. He also saw dragons on the wall and tiny spiders on his bed and was convinced my husband was converting a silo into an apartment building. He was also convinced that the guards/whoever were building a room up inside the top of his closet and it looked identical to his room. They kept him hostage there. These were recurring themes and he often expressed how impressed he was with my husband's hard work on that silo.

Then there was the day he called my husband in tears because there was something awful happening. I went to see Dad and he told me he had had a revelation and was told to "take heed, the end of the world is here and this is where one of the nuclear bombs will be dropped." He was in tears and convinced that part of the building had been burned down. I asked the staff if they had had a fire drill or anything that Dad could have misinterpreted. No, just another day as usual. Then there were the shootings and the dogs being run over by the cars out in the street. None of it was real. Dad had delusions and hallucinations made even worse by urinary tract infections. I went to the nursing home early in the morning and later in the evenings, unannounced to see if I could find anything amiss. Always, the staff were caring and kind. It was just Dad.

He had Parkinson's dementia which often manifests with very negative nightmarish delusions and hallucinations.

For people that think Alzheimers is bad, I'd take that any day over Parkinson's dementia.

If this was a real incident, I am sorry it happened. At least you know there is someone who is checking for people who do not belong there--although I seriously doubt your father could be taken as a threat. Also, it may have been another resident, not a staff member. Get to know them if you can. When you take him back to the facility, stay as late as you can with him. Have meals with him there. If you treat it like home, he is more likely to feel comfortable, too.

 

[falmouth3]

What Rose says might be true. My mother routinely tells me things that I know are absolutely not true. She says she does nothing all day, yet she has prizes from the games she's played that day. Or there was no entertainment, and I ask about chairs being set up and then she tells me about the entertainment.

 

[Sandi Bo]

Ellen -

What a nice picture.

I had a very dear aunt that had to be put into assisted living. It seemed to take her 1-2 weeks and then she settled in. It was amazing that she did as she was violently opposed to leaving her home.

It took a couple places before she settled in somewhere. The 1st one she ran away from so she was put in a hospital (locked up) for a couple weeks. She actually settled in and seemed comforable there. After the evaluation, they took her to a 3rd place and it just felt right. She settled in within a week or so. It amazed me that she adapted so quickly. The staff was very caring and she she was in a safe place.

And she did say things that we knew weren't true or were irrational. My mom took her to church almost every Sunday and visited all the time (maybe averaged every other day). Mom would take her to church and listen to my aunt tell everyone how no one ever visited her and how she never did anything.

It wasn't easy but it had to be done. In the end she was where she needed to be and I think she was happy.

My thoughts and prayers are with you! Hang in there.

Sandi

 

[Zac495]

"The Guard?" Is this a real incident? I only ask that because when my FIL was in the memory care center, he often told me stories about the guards/teenagers/whoever beating him up or threatening him. He would mention that the mother or the administrator had had to have a talk with those bad boys. He never had a bruise on him so I don't think these stories were true. He also saw dragons on the wall and tiny spiders on his bed and was convinced my husband was converting a silo into an apartment building. He was also convinced that the guards/whoever were building a room up inside the top of his closet and it looked identical to his room. They kept him hostage there. These were recurring themes and he often expressed how impressed he was with my husband's hard work on that silo.

Then there was the day he called my husband in tears because there was something awful happening. I went to see Dad and he told me he had had a revelation and was told to "take heed, the end of the world is here and this is where one of the nuclear bombs will be dropped." He was in tears and convinced that part of the building had been burned down. I asked the staff if they had had a fire drill or anything that Dad could have misinterpreted. No, just another day as usual. Then there were the shootings and the dogs being run over by the cars out in the street. None of it was real. Dad had delusions and hallucinations made even worse by urinary tract infections. I went to the nursing home early in the morning and later in the evenings, unannounced to see if I could find anything amiss. Always, the staff were caring and kind. It was just Dad.

He had Parkinson's dementia which often manifests with very negative nightmarish delusions and hallucinations.

For people that think Alzheimers is bad, I'd take that any day over Parkinson's dementia.

If this was a real incident, I am sorry it happened. At least you know there is someone who is checking for people who do not belong there--although I seriously doubt your father could be taken as a threat. Also, it may have been another resident, not a staff member. Get to know them if you can. When you take him back to the facility, stay as late as you can with him. Have meals with him there. If you treat it like home, he is more likely to feel comfortable, too.

Yes - it was real. He doesn't have Alzheimers - he's got some dementia but it really happened - the director apologized and is having the situation handled.

I have been going a lot. Last night I had dinner there. Today Mom had breakfast. the hard part is that he can't hear making it difficult to talk to other residents.

What is an Ombudsman?

 

[K&PFitz]

and then he asked me if he had been a good father. I told him that he was the best father a child could ever dream of having.

And he told me how much he loves my kids.

That part really got to me. All he accomplished in his life, yet you can see what was most important to him - being a good father.

I pray everything goes well for you. Things are likely to get better when he gets settled in. My mother-in-law is 92, and resisted moving into assisted living. She, too, thought it was the beginning of the end. But she made a number of friends, and admits it was the right thing. I hope your dad will find some bridge playing buddies.

 

[Rose Pink]

Yes - it was real. He doesn't have Alzheimers - he's got some dementia but it really happened - the director apologized and is having the situation handled.

I have been going a lot. Last night I had dinner there. Today Mom had breakfast. the hard part is that he can't hear making it difficult to talk to other residents.

What is an Ombudsman?

Hearing loss can really isolate a person. Sometimes, it can seem like a person has dementia when really it is a hearing problem. Does he have hearing aids? If he's had hearing loss for a long time, his brain will have to get used to interpreting sound again. We pushed and pushed Dad to get hearing aids but he refused because he didn't want to pay for them. I finally took him to a place that gave a 30 day trial and just never got around to returning them on time. Dad never knew I'd paid for them out of his account. Then, again, after awhile he refused to wear them any more and just became more and more isolated.

An ombudsman is a person who investigates and mediates complaints.

 

[Zac495]

Hearing loss can really isolate a person. Sometimes, it can seem like a person has dementia when really it is a hearing problem. Does he have hearing aids?

Yes he does - but they get filled with wax. But suddenly he's hearing better! I took him out tonight. He said some sad things like, "Dying is a pain in the neck." I told him he wasn't dying. He said life as he knew it was over. I agreed, but said it was a new chapter.

But he's beginining to adjust as many of you said! He likes the workers there, though he hasn't made any friends and he misses my mom (who has dinner or breakfast with him - but still - they don't live together since the move)

It's looking up though.
Dear Dad,
I sure love you! This change in life is showing me how to prepare to grow old with grace and stamina. You're reminding me to always work out and eat right - even though you didn't do those things. You helped me make the decision to buy the LTC insurance so I can choose a nice place if I need it one day. Most importantly, Dear Dad, you're reminding me about what matters most - the people in your life - family being most important, but also those around you (such as these friends I call TUGGERS) who will listen when you ask. You have reminded me never to isolate myself. So thanks, Dear Dad, for being the best dad in the world.
Love,
Ellen

 

[CarolF]

Yes he does - but they get filled with wax. But suddenly he's hearing better!

The staff often forget to check the batteries and clean out the wax. There are lots of different types/brands of hearing aids and they usually come with a set of tools for cleaning. Some staff have no training with hearing aids, some staff are familiar with some brands but not others. Sometimes they are so busy, they fit the aid each morning without actually checking that it is functioning. Fitting a non-functioning aid hampers their hearing even further.

I suggest a family member (or regular visitor) get maintenance instruction (and tools if you don't have them) and schedule it as part of a visit. When you go, check that the battery is working on each occasion, Dad (or the staff) might remove the aid then forget to disconnect the battery. Stock up on batteries.

If Dad makes lots of wax, discuss it with his doctor and get a regular programme in place to keep the ears clean. Syringing the ears of elderly people can sometimes be painful for them (dementia patients can get upset too), avoid any unnecessary procedures if you can.

As Rose Pink said, hearing loss can really isolate a person.

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this Zac. You are doing a great job.

 

[m61376]

Ellen-

Patients with attentive families do much better, both because they know they are loved and because the staff (whether right or wrong) is more attentive to those patients' needs. So know that your frequent visits, and your Mom's and sister's, will have a huge impact not only on your father emotionally, but ultimately on the staff and the care he receives.

Hopefully over the ensuing weeks he will be able to become more involved with the activities there and adjust. It is a difficult time for everyone, and I know it was an incredibly hard decision. But now that it is made, don't second guess yourself.

Hope your father remains alert and continues to enjoy your family's love and support!

 

[Glynda]

Ellen

I am in the process of preparing a house we bought in June in Charleston for my 90 year old mother to move in with us. Mother and I have had some very shaky years together as she was a bit of a "Mommy Dearest" in my youth and critical throughout my lifetime. However, she is a remarkable woman. She's worked hard all her life, still growing her own veggies and putting out 80 bags of mulch in her yard. She loves to cook and feeds her neighborhood and friends in Florida. She plays cards twice a week though the group is dwindling from deaths and Alzheimers. She volunteers at the Hospice thrift shop once a week. But she fears she will lose her drivers license in February when it comes due and the house and yard have just become too much for her. She's ready to give it up. She's not sure she's ready to leave Ft Myers or live with us but is willing to try.

I've been dreading it but your post Ellen, has given me an increased resolve to care for my mother, helping to preserve her dignity and active lifestyle as long as I can.

Life is really a cycle of having been cared for by our parents, raise our own kids and then when we think we are free to become more fully ourselves, we have to care for our aging parents. I hope I can do so as sincerely and with as much heart and love as you are for your dad.

 

[Zac495]

Yes, family showing up is critical - I believe that is the case at assisted living and hospitals with the elderly in particular (of course it's all elderly at assisted living). In hospitals, I don't believe the elderly are considered priority without a family member hovering.

Glynda,
I'm so glad you'll try - even if not for your mom, for yourself.I'll tell you - death is final (not religious conversation here - I mean the objective end of the body) and those left behind can be destroyed by guilt for what they didn't say or do.

I certainly am not saying anyone should or shouldn't do X Y or Z, but I do think we should all - for ourselves if no one else - try to make peace with those important people (parents/kids) no matter what life was like with them earlier (short of physical or sexual abuse)

I'm SO lucky to have parents who are just amazing. Dad wrote the #1 best selling Psych 1 Text book in the country. Mom is the most famous linguist (short of Chompsky) in her field alive today. And they made sure my sister and I became the best we could be. I hope I am living up in my kids' eyes. I try.

We all have to face getting very old and in need of care (unless we die young, God forbid). That is so scary (either is scary).

Tuggers, thank you for all your comments. I read each one with deep gratitude.

 

[Zac495]

Dad does NOT want to stay. He's begging us to get him out - and into assisted. We are out of our minds - don't know what to do.

He says he's isolated and most people there are worse off than him. He wants to go to unassisted living but apparently the doctor gave him a DX of dementia (mild - ???) and I don't know what to do next.

 

[DeniseM]

I think I would ask the Dr. to tell him that he is not well enough for unassisted living and does not qualify to move there.

 

[Zac495]

I think I would ask the Dr. to tell him that he is not well enough for unassisted living and does not qualify to move there.

Yes that's just what we did - emailed the doctor. But what if he's okay? They fixed his hearing aids and got him into a sleeping pattern and he's totally different now.

This is SO hard. Thanks for listening.

 

[vacationhopeful]

Ellen,
You need to be strong and understand - some days are better than others, but it is a downward slope in their abilities. Your dad won't get better. Part of him knows and feels this is wrong for him at this moment in time. But he is not able to live alone or be alone. He will wander, get lost, have accidents and falls.

You and your dad HAVE to find your own way. And your mother has to be involved. She can not be aloof and have a separate life (washing her hands of him). This may be a major reason your dad is so upset and depressed. Remember, his feelings are very real.

My dad waited hand and foot on my mom while she had years of mental impairments. He only moved her to a nursing home when she had had 24hr care in the house for 6+ months and parttime care for the 7 months before that. He visited her for hours twice a day, mourning her absence from his abode.

As for my dad's decline, we shipped him coast-to-coast twice. And up and down the Eastern seaboard six times. All in under 3 years. But he only lived 4 months in assisted living.

As I told my RN sister multiple times, "YOU have TWO elderly parents. You can not dump one and leave the other to be alone. It is better to keep them together." And I was shouting that at her 3,000 miles away. Multiple times. And our parents live within 5 miles of me. Your Mom seems to be my sister - clincial and book read.

Take command. And yes, it will be a major hinderance in YOUR life too. They are YOUR parents. There is nothing political correct about bedpans and adult diapers.

 

[Zac495]

Ellen,
You need to be strong and understand - some days are better than others, but it is a downward slope in their abilities. Your dad won't get better. Part of him knows and feels this is wrong for him at this moment in time. But he is not able to live alone or be alone. He will wander, get lost, have accidents and falls.

You and your dad HAVE to find your own way. And your mother has to be involved. She can not be aloof and have a separate life (washing her hands of him). This may be a major reason your dad is so upset and depressed. Remember, his feelings are very real.

My dad waited hand and foot on my mom while she had years of mental impairments. He only moved her to a nursing home when she had had 24hr care in the house for 6+ months and parttime care for the 7 months before that. He visited her for hours twice a day, mourning her absence from his abode.

As for my dad's decline, we shipped him coast-to-coast twice. And up and down the Eastern seaboard six times. All in under 3 years. But he only lived 4 months in assisted living.

As I told my RN sister multiple times, "YOU have TWO elderly parents. You can not dump one and leave the other to be alone. It is better to keep them together." And I was shouting that at her 3,000 miles away. Multiple times. And our parents live within 5 miles of me. Your Mom seems to be my sister - clincial and book read.

Take command. And yes, it will be a major hinderance in YOUR life too. They are YOUR parents. There is nothing political correct about bedpans and adult diapers.

Linda,
Mom goes and visits - she can't go at night due to night blindness. I go a lot and pick him up and meet her. Yeah, he wishes she lived where he does, but she won't - she won't do it and like you said - i have 2 parents and need to respect both of their needs. Her needs are to continue working and living.

But thank you for reminding me there will be ups and downs. I have to stay strong. I really fell for his sadness today.

 

[pjrose]

Are unassisted and assisted in the same complex? Could he perhaps go into unassisted for awhile, then move up to assisted later?

 

[glypnirsgirl]

Are unassisted and assisted in the same complex? Could he perhaps go into unassisted for awhile, then move up to assisted later?

I was in this spot with my father in law 3 years ago. Once he was diagnosed to require assisted care, no doctor was willing to step up and say that he could get by with unassisted.

I have no idea whether they were correct or not. Once he went into assisted living, we took him on outings twice each week until he told us that we were wearing him out. Once we stopped taking him out, he went downhill really quickly.

I know NOTHING about medicine, but I want to share an observation that I made. It appeared to me that once he was moved into assisted living, my father in law's hydration was inadequate. Because he had to have all of his liquids thickened due to problems swallowing, he did not have open access to water. And without the water, he seemed subject to urinary tract infections. And the UTIs seemed to cause an increase in dementia.

It became a terribly vicious cycle.

Ellen, my heart goes out to you going through this process. I went through it with my mother who became disabled in her mid 50s (and took her own life at 63 because she absolutely refused to be a burden to us), then my mother in law, then my father in law.

Last Spring, my dad had a stroke and I left for Oregon immediately. He has largely recovered. He now needs to use a walker. And he cries very easily. This is a shocking transition for me - my dad was an all-state athlete in both basketball and football - and to see my big, strong daddy shrinking and getting feeble is heart-breaking.

The one thing about the transition is it does help to prepare you for being without them. It was so shocking to lose my mother - she could not get around, but her mind was fully intact - she just was fiercely independent. And such a relief for my mother in law and father in law to be out of their pain.

The whole process is painful.

elaine

 

[DeniseM]

Ellen - I have been in the same position with both my mother and my grandmother. You have come to the place where you are now parenting your parent, and just like with your kids - sometimes it takes tough love.

Remember when your kids were little and you had to insist upon something because it was the best thing for them, even though they hated it and they said you were the meanest mother in the world? You are now in that position with your dad, and you have to do what's best for him, which often will not be what he wants. What he really wants is to be young and healthy again, and sadly, you can't give that back to him. What you CAN do is keep him safe, and well-take care of, and give him your time and love.

He hasn't been there very long, and it sounds like he hasn't started to adjust yet. I think this is one of those situations where it usually gets worse before it gets better. Is the Dr. giving him anything for his anxiety? It might help him make the adjustment.

Hang in there!

 

[lvhmbh]

Reading all this makes me realize that I was very lucky! My Mother moved down here and lived with me for a while. We both enjoyed it but.... SHE decided she ought to go into Assisted Living where she could be involved with more activities (she was going to a senior center) and where she would have care if she had another heart attack. She wore a medical assist but everyone was still nervous when she was alone. She decided after they came and got me off the golf course (pre-cell phone) when she had an "episode". We did some research and found a facility that was close by with an "independent living" side and an assisted living side. There was a long waiting list but we knew someone who supplied the nursing aides so..... Anyway, she really got involved and that made a difference. Remember coming in one Friday and being asked if I wasn't going to "services". I was confused and said, but I'm not Jewish and found out they thought we were because my Mother was attending. I asked her why and she said it was interesting.
I hope your Dad adjusts and I sincerely feel for you. Linda