Not enjoying this empty nest thing

[Fern Modena]

Dawn,
I don't enjoy this empty house thing, either. But you have a husband, and he only travels from time to time. So don't you talk when he is there? Maybe you need to communicate more/better. I remember when I was a child my mother would "pre-read" the newspaper for my dad and mark stories that she thought he would be interested in. Jerry and I used to read together and discuss the news. If you lack things to talk about try a news item a day. You can talk about things you read about rather than people.

Change your routine. Make one night a week "date night," and go out for dinner, or a movie, or an art exhibit or something. Celebrate your togetherness.

You sound like you need to be needed. Volunteering is a good way. There are so many ways to volunteer. Many elementary schools would love to have more volunteers. And there are big sister organizations. Plus there are those who help old people or shut ins. There are so many people who really NEED you if you look around.

If you don't have any nearby friends because everybody moved away, etc., then join something. A women's club, a church group, something. I actually met most of my friends volunteering, believe it or not. They belonged to the same groups I did, and so it told me that we might be like minded (and we were).

You don't "get over" your children moving out. You continue on with your life, as is meant to happen. All life is full of transitions. That is what life is about, and you can't stop it.

Fern

 

[dmbrand]

Thank you, Fern, for your thoughts. All good suggestions.


"Give it time" is my best option, as we are currently doing most of the activities suggested. Haven't tried Pilates, yet.

That high school age was my favorite, although trying at times. Funny pranks on friends, weird jokes, attraction to slasher/horror movies, unexpected questions, all those athletic sports, etc; kept us busy and entertained.

 

[MommaBear]

I cried for the 12 hour drive home from dropping my youngest off at college 8 years ago (my husband was driving). I found that email and phone calls and IM really helped me as well as diving into the things I couldn't get to while we had kids at home. We were the parents who went to every game, volunteered for every activity and generally loved being parents. I had to focus on counting my blessings- getting reacquainted with my wonderful husband, knowing that when I put food down, it still would be there when I got back, I only had to do two people's laundry, I had access to the phone, computer, remote control and I didn't have to wait up for anyone. I am thankful I have three great children who are wonderful adults, contribute to society and are no longer financially dependant on us. I am also lucky that our kids love being around us, and we all go on vacations together. (Off to California next week to see the son out there.) I also quilt now, which I didn't have time for before, have learned more about wine, travel with friends and got my masters. So, one door closes, the other opens.

 

[siesta]

the quote in her signature is from the Robin Williams movie jumani. Don't worry they will be back home soon once school is out and the job market still stinks.

 

[ace2000]

I think we've been lucky with ours because they all chose to attend a local college within a short drive (I work for the college where my two youngest now attend). I think it would be a lot harder otherwise and that drive back home would be tough.

How about dancing lessons?

Good luck, and if you're looking for assurance that things do get better, I think you've seen that in this thread.

And if you're really feeling down, a good Adam Lambert CD (inside joke to pjrose) might pick up your spirits...

 

[Chrisky]

"Give it time" is my best option, as we are currently doing most of the activities suggested. Haven't tried Pilates, yet.

Fern, excellent comments.
We only have one son, and I remember visiting him when he was away at university and crying most of the way home. But that was a while ago, he's now married and we have 2 adorable granddaughters. They're not too far away, about 1.25 hours drive. But we miss the girls and feel that we don't see them enough.

Dawn, it does take time, but it does improve. We've learned to do other things, cultivated new friends. We've both tried Pilates and to me it's the best form of exercise I've ever done.

 

[geekette]

this is an interesting thread to me, since I don't have kids.

I was youngest so would have emptied the nest but I sure don't remember anyone hugging me super hard or crying! My parents never took me to school or home from school, and often weren't there when I'd come home! They did, however, visit when they were in the area.

Of course, I was not the angel I am today could have been more like "Whew, we thought she'd Never Leave!" which is what I picked up from Mom, how there were all these things they couldn't do until I was out of college. weird, since I was paying for it myself.

 

[JackieD]

Oh, this thread makes me sad...my oldest is a senior this year. It is hitting me harder every day as she/we spend a bunch of time researching college, doing admit essays and financial stuff for college. She wants to spread her wings and go far away to either the East coast or WA, OR. It makes me so sad especially thinking about her putting down roots wherever she ends up going to college. I still have a 9th & 5th graders too but it is sad thinking about next fall

 

[AKE]

They will move out but they may come back (and then you almost wish for the quiet life again at times - ) . Our 3 moved out within a span of 4 months so we went from a house with 3 sons to just my husband and me (our oldest bought a house at 25 (about 5 miles away), the middle one at 22 decided to live with schoolmates in his last year of university and never came back, and our youngest went away to school (500 miles)). It took a while to adjust and cook for just 2 but we retired shortly thereafter and started travelling the world and forgot what it was like with kids in the house. Then last year, after 4 years of no kids, our youngest moved back home as he was now going to grad school at a local university and didn't have the $$$ to live on his own. If you think that them moving out is an adjustment, try having them move back after 4 years on no kids (and btw, he's still at grad school and living at home). I think that our adjustment was way bigger than his as I now once again had to start acting like a mother at times. What is funnier is the role reversal - when we go out or away he wants to know where we are going and when we will be back (and if we are late then we get heck from him re his worrying about us).

 

[sun starved Gayle]

My youngest is a sophomore in college two states away, my oldest is a senior at a college here in state. I missed the heck out of both my kids their freshman year, but became more accustomed to it as time went by.

When my kids were home, I felt like I needed to be home when they were there, not because I did not trust them, but I felt I should be available to them if they "needed' me.

When your kids are at home your time is more in flux, it seemed like things revolved around their ever changing, last minute schedule. Now that they are gone, we are making more plans like having friends over to dinner, going more places, doing more things. And we are enjoying getting reacquainted, so to speak. We had a lot of fun doing couples things together before we had children, and now we are getting out of our rut and doing new things again. It takes some getting used to, to think of yourself first like you did before kids, but it will come back! And you will enjoy it! Good luck!

Gayle

 

[Rose Pink]

I cried, then I got over it. Phone calls, e-mail and occasional visits keep us connected. I get to visit places I might not have considered before my children moved there. I am looking forward to seeing Boston for the first time.

 

[bjones9942]

Just think of the spontaneous things you can do without having to shut doors!

 

[jlr10]

When DS went to college we missed him briefly. But he was pretty good about calling once a week. He and I have talked more since he went to college than we ever did. On the drive to or from college my rule is turn off the ipod and talk to your mom. He is now finishing his training to be an RA this year and said he might not come home for months, or maybe until next summer. We will miss him but are pleased to see his ever growing independence.

We were getting pretty comfortable with the empty nest thing. Then the DH's mom moved in (due to circumstances that made it hard on everyone, and 15 months later it is not getting better.) Now I am praying for an empty nest. :ignore:

 

[rickandcindy23]

Oh, this thread makes me sad...my oldest is a senior this year. It is hitting me harder every day as she/we spend a bunch of time researching college, doing admit essays and financial stuff for college. She wants to spread her wings and go far away to either the East coast or WA, OR. It makes me so sad especially thinking about her putting down roots wherever she ends up going to college. I still have a 9th & 5th graders too but it is sad thinking about next fall

CSU and CU are great colleges, as is Mines. I would be pushing hard to get her to stay in-state. It's cheaper and that means something.

Dawn, you should post more sightings!

 

[dmbrand]

Cindy, your great to have on this board! Such a wealth of info, and so upbeat.

I will post more, but II seems to have the same old, same old right now.

bjones - Doors? Who uses doors?

 

[JackieD]

CSU and CU are great colleges, as is Mines. I would be pushing hard to get her to stay in-state. It's cheaper and that means something.

Don't we know it! She'll apply to CSU but she really has her heart set on leaving the state.....

 

[rickandcindy23]

Don't we know it! She'll apply to CSU but she really has her heart set on leaving the state.....

CSU is 35 minutes, door-to-door from 136th and I-25. Now see, you should have told her, "No chance for out-of-state colleges, because we cannot afford it." That's what we said, and it was pretty true.

 

[nazclk]

The Rebel

Well here I go being the Rebel again, I love my children and grandchildren dearly, but after about 6 months of being a complete empty nester I found it to be wonderful, nobody to clean up after, peaceful, quiet, and most of all I could walk around the house butt naked in the morning and not worry about it. :whoopie:

Yes I love when they come and visit, but it's nice when I have my nest back.

 

[pjrose]

Well here I go being the Rebel again, I love my children and grandchildren dearly, but after about 6 months of being a complete empty nester I found it to be wonderful, nobody to clean up after, peaceful, quiet, and most of all I could walk around the house butt naked in the morning and not worry about it. :whoopie:

That's what I'm hoping for! DD is going to college locally with us driving b/c of her med condition - and the house is littered with her stuff. She's working so hard on her classes that I'm trying not to be too much of a [bleep] about it.

We waited quite awhile to have kids, so for us it'll be going BACK to being empty nesters, someday.....

 

[rickandcindy23]

I could walk around the house butt naked in the morning and not worry about it.

That's funny, and it reminds of that movie, I don't remember the name, but the dad was always naked in his own little room in the house, and when his son came home to visit, he would still be naked. The dad was Craig T. Nelson. Cracked me up, and partly because I am guilty of staying in my nightshirt way into the late part of the morning. I will even change back into my nightshirt after getting dressed to take the trash out for pickup sometimes.

I do my best housework in my nightshirts, and I run our business out of our home, so why not?

 

[pointsjunkie]

we take my youngest to school next week, and it is time for him to do this. but it still hurts, like the dickens. i know it is the way it is supposed to be and he is ready but when i think about it i just well up. this is just part of growing up. someday i guess i will.

 

[Icc5]

Both ways

We see it sort of both ways. When my older daughter moved out our son was still at home and only 16 at the time. Last year our daughter moved again but this time all across the country and we only get to see her and the grandaughter once or twice a year.
My son is still at home and at times we wish he'd make the move and other times we know how much we'd miss him. He can be the greatest kid or drive us up a wall. He works at Starbucks and has been also starting his own pool cleaning/clean-up business so all of his equipment is located here. He is very helpful at doing things but also easily forgets about anything we ask him to do and about locking things up.
One minute you love him and what minute you (have to think back to the other minute).
Bart

 

[matbec]

I could walk around the house butt naked in the morning and not worry about it. :whoopie:

That's funny, and it reminds of that movie, I don't remember the name, but the dad was always naked in his own little room in the house, and when his son came home to visit, he would still be naked. The dad was Craig T. Nelson. Cracked me up

That was from Failure to Launch with Matthew MacConaghey and Sarah Jessica Parker. Cathy Bates played the mom. It was hilarious!

All these suggestions are really good and I'll have to remember to come back to this thread in a year. My oldest is now a senior in high school and we've been looking at schools too. While he thinks he might want to stay closer to home, out of town schools haven't been ruled out yet. So far, we've been pretty lucky that he's still keen on going on vacations with us. But then again, we enticed him with 3weeks in Hawaii this past summer

 

[luvsvacation22]

How long will this sad, bored, am-I-still-needed, feeling last?

Already signed up to teach English in the community. Struggling with preparing meals for just two.

So....when did you turn the corner?

I am right there with you on this issue. We dropped off DS at his college in Southern California three weeks ago, and while it is getting easier, it is still hard.
He had no problem adjusting and is having the time of his life, living on campus, near the beach and meeting new people.

Thanks for all the great ideas! I think pilates sound interesting and having other empty nesters over for dinner sounds wonderful.

 

[glgrissom]

It's Fantastic!

Both our daughters went away to a university halfway across the nation from us - the 2nd leaving us 2 years after the first. I decided to make that first year fun for us, and purchased season tickets to the symphony. That gave us almost every month a scheduled night out for dinner and the symphony! What fun it was to look forward to the concerts! We got caught up on our reading, each reading several books a month. We enjoyed doing things together like grocery shopping right after work - because we didn't have to come directly home for someone's schedule. We did travel a couple times a year to see them and their new friends and learn about their new lives in the midwest. It was so fun to visit them and spend time with our adult daughters, sharing in their new accomplishments as adults.
When they graduated from college the youngest came back to our town, got a great job and is has been living on her own for the past 4 years. Our elder daughter married while in college and they got jobs in the midwest. When their first was born 3 years later, they decided they wanted to be closer to family (they were high school freinds here) and moved back too with a great job. They ended up giving us another grandson, purchased a home and life is great.
We love spending time with our kids - and playing with our 4yr old and 2 yr old grandsons - but at times miss the fun quiet evenings we had while they were away.
By enjoying each other - and thrilling in the lives and accomplishments of our children, we have really not felt lost without our kids - except when we dropped our baby off at college. My wife cried for 2 days as we drove back to the northwest. Then we started looking forward to our upcoming concerts!!!