How to Deal with a son & DIL that will not spend any holiday with you?

[jehb2]

I wonder if this is a Millennial thing...

Millennials didn't invent mean daughter-in-laws or sons who let their wives walk all over them. Jan M's BIL has been married to his wife for over 50 years. Did you read her story above.

The only thing new is the internet which allows us to share our stories.

 

[vacationhopeful]

Or inter-generational wisdom.

 

[Sugarcubesea]

This is the part where you have control (not that anyone - other than DIL - is trying to control anything). Hallmark etc, hype up the holidays - a lot - and in the process amplify any situation where you are outside of the "norm" for holiday get togethers. Christmas is a holiday, but really it is just another day. There are 364 other ones, equally good for seeing family. In my husbands family, we have driven 6 hours round trip for every Easter, half the Christmases, and probably 1/3 of the Thanksgivings. My in laws all live in the same community so it has always been expected that *we* will drive. I have hosted a few holidays over the years, but his family won't make the drive any more because of the traffic. (We know all about the holiday traffic!) That's how things went until 18 months ago, when my husband was diagnosed with cancer - stage 3 - and then had a heart attack - on Easter no less. Since then we have started meeting his family halfway between our homes at a park or restaurant about every six weeks to celebrate birthdays. It has been the best time ever. It is so relaxed and everyone gets a chance to visit. They still want us on the holidays too, but the drive is a bit much for my husband, so for now it's just birthdays. It has been surprisingly delightful.

I am truly sorry that you have to go through this, especially that it affects your happiness during the holidays. Hopefully as your grandson gets older, you will be able to find some holiday activities that can be special just for the two of you. I still have the fondest memories of shopping with my grandma (lol - that was her thing!) and of us going into the Sees Candy store to pick out some special chocolates. To this day, I can tell you what her favorites were. She made me feel special on those shopping trips. My grandmother was the calm person in my life during my childhood. Maybe you can be that person for your grandson.

Thank you so much. This was the most thoughtful and kind hearted remarks and I appreciate you sharing them with me.

I’m so very sorry to hear your hubby has stage 3 cancer. I hope the two of you get to spend many holidays together in the future.

 

[Sugarcubesea]

If you read back in OP's posts you will see that she DID make alternate plans. She asked what they wanted to do and spent the money on the tickets for it. They cancelled the night before. OP's son didn't go to his 87 year old G-Mother's birthday????? and we should "give him a break". I would just make sure my G-son knew I love him, continue to give him Christmas presents and let it go. When speaking with my son I would tell him I love him, will always be there for him but I'm tired of these "games". And tell him the next move is his. I would also tell him that there is no money, so please don't bother to come to us for it - we're planning our retirement. JMHO - good luck!

Thank you. I have really tried to be a good mother-in-law and I have tried to not be a pest.

I was very blessed I have a wonderful mother in law and all she ever asked of me when I first got married was if we could spend a holiday with her and my father in law. She stated that since I had a family she would defer to me and I could let her know if and when we could spend time together.

I tried using this same verbiage on my DIL and that is when she told me that she spends every holiday with her family. At this point if my son wanted to spend time with his family he should have made his views known to his wife and he clearly just does what she tells him

 

[pittle]

Family relationships are generally the hardest!

It sounds like you have done the best you can, but it boils down to choices. Our younger son made some choices and discovered there are consequences - both good and bad. As our only grandchild said to me once when he was 2-1/2 - Nana, I don't like consequences! His Dad had taught him that when you choose to do the wrong thing, the consequences were not great. I tried to reinforce good behavior with good consequences.

Younger son and his wife now live 26 miles from us and every few years will come for Christmas dinner if her family is out of town. They know they are welcome and dinner will be at 3:00 on Christmas Day. We are fine either way - they have an open invitation. They have started joining us for Thanksgiving in Puerto Vallarta because we have a very nice timeshare unit in a super location. They just have to buy plane tickets and pay for their meals out. They have not missed it the last 3 years (stayed 10 days this year). We do not smother them when they are there, we ask that we all go to dinner on Thanksgiving Day together - other than that, they can do their own thing. They do share breakfast with us a few days.

Our other son lives less than 1/2 mile away and we see him all the time - he just pops over or calls for us to join them for a BBQ. Right now, the Thanksgiving vacation does not work for them as our grandson has been in HS and was on a swim team. He just started college this fall and this was his first time to come home.

We will be married 50 years next year and none of my husband's siblings have ever been to any home we have lived in. We left the small Arkansas town when we got married and had to go there at least once a year to see the family. We used to joke that they finished the northern side of the highway because we always got home! Once my husbands parents passed, we have not gone back. We only went back for Christmas once when the boys were small and there was a huge snowstorm on the way back so we just went in the summer. Even when we retired and moved to a lake and had 2 boats, no one was willing to drive 3-1/2 hours to come see us. Now we live in the Phoenix area and both our sons do too.

My family has scattered across the country, but we do email or call one another regularly. The youngest is single and called today to see if he could come for Christmas. I said sure. He then invited us to drive to Palm Springs to see the progress on the house he is having renovated there. So the day after Christmas, we will drive there and spend a couple of nights and see his place. He will be moving there from Atlanta next year.

Since I have 2 sons and 3 brothers, I just enjoy the time I do get to spend with them. I am glad that they do not expect me to have a huge dinner ready every Sunday noon though. You can have too much togetherness!

 

[geekette]

I have no issue's with lists, but prior to my DIL marrying my son she sent me an email that said it was her dream to get married at Disney World and would we contribute 35K, so she could get married there. I told her our budget was to give each child $10K for their weddings and we would also host and pay for the rehearsal dinner. She told me that since I could only contribute such a small amount we could only invite 20 people.

This gal is all about the money. When my grandmother died and I inherited the house, she stated to me that she would like to live there and she would pay us $100 a month rent. I explained that I had to sell the house and use it to pay off my grandmother's final bills.

She had a wedding with 320 individuals in attendance at a total cost of $35K and 4 days before the wedding the reception venue called me, (I had made my contribution directly to the hall/venue, so they had my contact info) to state that the bride's family did NOT make their last payment of 10K and would I come in and make the payment as they had already told the brides side of the family and they stated they did not have the funds but would pay her after the wedding with the money gifts they would be receiving.

The reception venue told the bride and her family that if the monies were not paid the reception could not take place. The reception venue told me that she told the bride to reduce some of her expensive trappings, like, Bridal Room, champagne toast for all guests, ice sculptures, LED up-lighting, monogram lighting, and signature cocktail. She told me if the bride agreed to not have all of these extras, she could bring the final amount down to $2K and the bride told her to just call me and I would pay the amount... I told the reception venue that I had paid all I was going to pay if the reception could not take place so be it... I called my son and told him the reception venue called me and that I was not paying any additional monies and that they suggested that his bride reduce some of her extra trappings that were very expensive. He said she did not want to do that, so I suggested that he announce after the wedding ceremony at church that the reception has been cancelled so people do not drive all the way out there for nothing. He said don't worry we will figure it out... I guess she ended up borrowing money from her grandparents and she ended up not having all of those extras as the grandmother told me she only gave her $2K.


This has been this gal's way of doing things since the beginning...

YIKES.

But, good for you for not giving in to her demands. Indeed, she wants you to bankroll her extravagance.

I'm so sorry. I'm sure this is not how you thought DIL relationships would be. Stand strong, do your thing and don't ever cave to her demands.

 

[geekette]

I’m just shocked. I guess they are going to look for jobs after the holidays and just have her parents pay for their living expenses.

It’s so sad and I wish I knew a way to not blow up and just tell them how much their behavior has hurt me the past 7 years.

Vent here, dear, else you give that witchy woman more power to hurt you and she will. Take comfort and joy from your spouse and other kids. there isn't much you can do about any of it except control your reactions to whatever claptrap comes from her/them.

 

[silentg]

You talk about your daughter in law, but what about your son? Does he ever visit you on his own?
Such a sad thing to focus on that one son, when you have two other children and their families to celebrate with. When we were younger we split Holiday with Thanksgiving with in laws and Christmas Eve day with in laws and Christmas Eve night with my family and Christmas Day with my family too.
Both of our kids and SIL will be spending Christmas Eve and Day with us. No one has to work and we enjoy being together. Our son isn’t married so no DIL. We invited SIL parents over for Thanksgiving dessert. And will invite them to Christmas Eve too.
We don’t celebrate with family up north.they all have their own families and make their own traditions.
Want to wish you a Merry Christmas and spend it with ones who want to be there.
Silentg

 

[pedro47]

Never give up on your family members , their will come a time when they will seek your support and advice. I would continue to invite the whole family and maybe one day the light will go off and they will attend the family celebration or maybe the light will turn dark and they will be to late to enjoy the family celebration.

 

[uop1497]

I just wonder if would it be easy if we can stop loving and caring for our children and enjoy remaining life freely ourselves. I still have responsibility with my younger son so I can not do that yet.

I am happy for those of you who has a wonderful relationship with your children , their spouse and grandchildren. I am not a lucky person who can have all that and will prepare myself for the worse time ahead of me .

Although I am preparing myself for the worse situation, but it is very difficult to do so.

 

[Sugarcubesea]

YIKES.

But, good for you for not giving in to her demands. Indeed, she wants you to bankroll her extravagance.

I'm so sorry. I'm sure this is not how you thought DIL relationships would be. Stand strong, do your thing and don't ever cave to her demands.

I'm an only child and all I ever wanted was a big family. This is why I really wanted 3 kids... I guess in my head I always thought for at least one holiday all of my family would be in attendance. I've lowered my expectations and next year I will pick a date in the summer and get buy in from all and pick that as our date to celebrate the Christmas Holiday.

 

[Sugarcubesea]

You talk about your daughter in law, but what about your son? Does he ever visit you on his own?
Such a sad thing to focus on that one son, when you have two other children and their families to celebrate with. When we were younger we split Holiday with Thanksgiving with in laws and Christmas Eve day with in laws and Christmas Eve night with my family and Christmas Day with my family too.
Both of our kids and SIL will be spending Christmas Eve and Day with us. No one has to work and we enjoy being together. Our son isn’t married so no DIL. We invited SIL parents over for Thanksgiving dessert. And will invite them to Christmas Eve too.
We don’t celebrate with family up north.they all have their own families and make their own traditions.
Want to wish you a Merry Christmas and spend it with ones who want to be there.
Silentg

I'm very blessed in that I have shared many wonderful holidays with my children and extended family. It's only been the years that my oldest son and my DIL were dating and married that we have not shared a holiday with them. I guess my extended family is odd in that we celebrate every holiday, New Year's Eve, Easter, Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas with as many of our family and extended family in attendance. We just invite everybody, as my Dad always said nobody is ever left behind. Please don't think that I'm not focusing on my other two children and their families because I am. We have wonderful memories of many holidays spent together. My other children never make it to all holiday events and that is perfectly fine. My other kids always ensure that they attend at least once celebration that their other siblings have stated they will be in attendance at. I just needed a place to vent and get some ideas on how to handle the situation...My other children feel bad because they all loved our family get togethers as children and they don't understand why their brother does not make it to at least one family event.

I would like to wish you a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and I hope you have a joyous holiday season...

 

[Zac495]

Unbelievable! How dare she ask for 3K in presents and not show up? I do understand having to share time. My sister spends every Thanksgiving with our family (mom, sister, cousins) and Christmas with his. She visits regularly. The actual date doesn't matter to us - but the fact that everyone is together is important. I'm "lucky," not to have any in-laws. My husband's family is gone so it's always mine. And I put lucky in quotes because I think family is the most important thing in the world - and would never do anything to destroy it. When my kids marry, I will hope they do the same - share holidays.

I agree with others. Let them come the 23rd and order take-out. Buy whatever presents you WANT to purchase - not 3k worth - how dare she? I wouldn't say no - they can't come - because in the end, that will hurt you. He's your son even though he's not acting like the man you raised.

Hugs,
Ellen

 

[silentg]

I just wonder if would it be easy if we can stop loving and caring for our children and enjoy remaining life freely ourselves. I still have responsibility with my younger son so I can not do that yet.

I am happy for those of you who has a wonderful relationship with your children , their spouse and grandchildren. I am not a lucky person who can have all that and will prepare myself for the worse time ahead of me .

Although I am preparing myself for the worse situation, but it is very difficult to do so.

So sorry that your relationship with your family is not a happy one.
We have had some Rocky Christmases, but that was in the past. Fortunately, we all enjoy being together since the DIL has moved away and son is happily on his own.

 

[winger]

I don't mean to take us in a whole other direction, but what the heck? They are quitting their jobs and expect to save money?

yeh, don't you know it costs money to travel to work? And, paying rent costs a whole lot more than living in my folks' home! Plus, I wouldn't have to spend money on groceries and utilities!

 

[Xan]

They are not on drugs, my son worked a job that was on the midnight shift from 10:00pm till 7:00am, so that they could avoid babysitting fees for their son. She worked a daytime job as an marketing manager. They do have lazy ass disease. Part of the problem is when they needed money and I said no they went back to school so that they could take out more student loans. They used student loans to buy her engagement ring. My son told me he has $85K in loans and she has $90K in loans. They live 2 hours away from us and I think because the place they lived was mostly a college town, they wanted to move to the area that they grew up in. However, they should have found jobs before both of them quitting their jobs and moving in with her parents...UGH

Tell your son that you love him, (and the grandson), but until he grows up and learns to become a responsible adult, that you will not be helping financially or giving gifts to any of them. The holidays aren’t about money, gifts or a contest on which family gets to see who.
Close the bank and your home. Let your other children know that they can go and spend time with their in-laws. The two of you should just enjoy the peacefulness or go on a trip for a relaxing time.
A phone call to each child is even too much.
I know the other children didn’t cause issues, but tell them the truth and just relax. People are forgetting the true meaning of Christmas!
As for the other holidays and occasions, tell them that you are saving for a nice comfortable retirement for just the two of you.
See if any of them take the initiative to be the first to call you on any of the occasions.
I know it sounds cold, but you will have a much more peaceful mind.
Maybe help serve meals at a shelter.
I wish you the best of luck in this situation.
(You could also hold a funeral for Your son’s gonads! Lol)


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[VacationForever]

Tell your son that you love him, (and the grandson), but until he grows up and learns to become a responsible adult, that you will not be helping financially or giving gifts to any of them. The holidays aren’t about money, gifts or a contest on which family gets to see who.
Close the bank and your home. Let your other children know that they can go and spend time with their in-laws. The two of you should just enjoy the peacefulness or go on a trip for a relaxing time.
A phone call to each child is even too much.
I know the other children didn’t cause issues, but tell them the truth and just relax. People are forgetting the true meaning of Christmas!
As for the other holidays and occasions, tell them that you are saving for a nice comfortable retirement for just the two of you.
See if any of them take the initiative to be the first to call you on any of the occasions.
I know it sounds cold, but you will have a much more peaceful mind.
Maybe help serve meals at a shelter.
I wish you the best of luck in this situation.
(You could also hold a funeral for Your son’s gonads! Lol)


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What you are missing is that OP enjoys and cherishes the time she spends with her children and grandchildren. Shutting out her family during the holidays does not make her happier.

 

[Xan]

What you are missing is that OP enjoys and cherishes the time she spends with her children and grandchildren. Shutting out her family during the holidays does not make her happier.

I totally understand that, but she has to draw the line sometime or she will just make herself miserable over this issue.


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[vacationhopeful]

As for family time ... grandparents, parents, extended family & young kids ... my experience for Christmas mornings:

By the time both of my parents had passed on and my sister 10 years younger had 3 children ... Christmas morning and the rest of the day, was a "let's just live thru this" event. Playing Santa at 3AM with hyped children (2yo, 7yo and 9yo) bouncing off the walls at dawn .. the parents just wanted to survive. I did not know the internal code for whose present or Mom & Dad's gifts. Or if the gifts belong to nieces & nephews. Or Santa Xmas wrapping paper or from the family gifts.

I took the coward's way out ... promising to get up with the nephews and keep them quiet w/o ripping open EVERYTHING under the tree. I went thru my sister's cabinets and the boys made muffins from the box ... one variety each boy. Set the dining room table with the GOOD china. I instructed the boys to TALK to mom & dad, but not about what was under the tree. Mom and Dad got a good hour plus of sleep, got something to eat (as did the boys), and gifts got opened one by one. The next year, we started doing 3 quiches (one for each boy). Mom took head shot photos of each boy presenting his QUICHE to Mom & Dad. And yes, every person ate quiche plus the box muffins. The boys this Christmas will be 17, 22 and 24 ... at least 2 of them (if not all 3) will be up at 7am .. mixing, baking and cooking followed by eating breakfast on the good Christmas china ... listening to praises from Mom & Dad.

 

[VacationForever]

Linda, You would have made a great parent.

 

[bogey21]

I'm amazed with how big a problem this is for so many. Maybe some of us expect too much from our kids. Alternatively maybe many of our kids look at life differently from what it was when we grew up.

George

 

[ronparise]

I'm amazed with how big a problem this is for so many. Maybe some of us expect too much from our kids. Alternatively maybe many of our kids look at life differently from what it was when we grew up.

George

I dont see the problem either.

When my little girl got married her husband became the man in her life.... I dont ask them to adapt to my needs, I adapt to theirs.
Interestingly. They are planning a trip to visit his parents and they asked my wife and I to join them.

 

[VacationForever]

I'm amazed with how big a problem this is for so many. Maybe some of us expect too much from our kids. Alternatively maybe many of our kids look at life differently from what it was when we grew up.

George

I understand expectations from parents for their kids. I have very little expectations as well. Every relationship is different. We have friends who are in their late 70s and guess what.... wait for it..., they still do laundry and cleaning for their 2 single sons who are in their early forties and live within a stone's throw from their home. No wonder they do not want to marry and they followed their parents when they moved out of state. One works in Colorado in winter (ski instructor) and somewhere on the east coast in summer (cruise ship) and comes back during off season, the other one is doing odd jobs. They call their parents several times a day. The husband wants to travel but the wife wants to stay home so that she can do laundry for her son. We are in disbelief...

 

[Sugarcubesea]

You talk about your daughter in law, but what about your son? Does he ever visit you on his own?
Such a sad thing to focus on that one son, when you have two other children and their families to celebrate with. When we were younger we split Holiday with Thanksgiving with in laws and Christmas Eve day with in laws and Christmas Eve night with my family and Christmas Day with my family too.
Both of our kids and SIL will be spending Christmas Eve and Day with us. No one has to work and we enjoy being together. Our son isn’t married so no DIL. We invited SIL parents over for Thanksgiving dessert. And will invite them to Christmas Eve too.
We don’t celebrate with family up north.they all have their own families and make their own traditions.
Want to wish you a Merry Christmas and spend it with ones who want to be there.
Silentg

As a follow-up, our son called us a few days ago and said he wanted to come and visit his grandmother and we could have a little get together. He said he was going to come over on Wednesday or Thursday this week. He called his brother today to say he now didn't have his car, and the one at his in laws was not working but please tell Mom I will see her next week. His brother then said, no problem I'm on on my way and I will pick you up so you will have a way to come over and see mom and grandma.

I would have never known the full story but after my other son dropped him off, he called me and said Mom I don't understand why he even said he was coming over because he really did not have any intention of coming over and seemed very mad that I came and got him when he called me to say that he could not come over. My son then said, Mom the whole way home he kept saying what a great time he had and he was so happy that the two of them could come over. I guess he also said, I always have such a good time when we all get together.

My other son, was upset because he feels that he had done this multiple times, calls and says he is going to come over and then finds an excuse to back out. My son told me tonight, mom, I wish he would not call and say he is coming over if he does not have the intention of actually following through. My son said to me that he gets so upset when he does this to me and his and he does not understand why he would get his grandma all excited to see her Great-Grandson, just to be let down...

 

[Sugarcubesea]

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