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Going thru a Divorce when you are 55

Sugarcubesea said:
This is where I'm at, bleeding financially.

In 28 years of marriage, my husband has been fired, let got, downsized (what ever you want to call it) from every job except 2. He never seems to see the handwriting on the wall (or so he says) until they let him go, then he starts looking for a new job and at that point he is so desperate, he takes what ever they offer him. It usually takes him 6 months ( 2 times it has taken over a year) to find a new opportunity, and we blow thru our emergency fund, and savings.

This is a wash, rinse and repeat scenario that has continually been going on.

Because he takes a lower paying jobs each time, and because he is off work for 6 months or more per jobs, its lost revenue, lost contributions to a 401K.

Thankfully, I went back into the workforce after our third child turned 2 and I have moved myself up the corporate ladder. I always feel the pulse of the company I'm at, if I see that either the company has financial issues or the structure of the company is moving into a direction that might eliminate my position, I start looking for a new opportunity and move on.

I went and spoke to my parents financial planner yesterday and she told me that because he has taken out so many loans on his 401K's thru the years, that I will need to work till I'm 75 if I don't stop the hemorrhaging of monies right away.
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In most states, with a long marriage, all assets, including 401K will be split down the middle. My second husband, the one with his boats and many rental properties, said tongue in cheek that he could ask for spousal support from me, because I was working and he had taken an early retirement. Even when we were both working, I was paying most of the bills as I was making more than him. But he was the one with the big fat investment accounts, houses and boats. His money paid for his toys. After we were divorced, he said to me, geez eating out is so expensive...I simply said to him, yep, I am glad he was realizing how much I was paying for food, vacations and the household. Silly me.
 
e.bram said:
Kids will NEVER get over it, no matter how old they are!
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Doesn't have to be the case. The key is the divorcees working to ensure an amicable relationship and never knocking their ex spouse. It was a little dicey at first but our 3 kids have great relationships with both of us.

George
 
e.bram said:
Kids will NEVER get over it, no matter how old they are!
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This is the only reason, I have stuck it out for 28 years. My baby is 18 and even though I am filled with guilt over this, I can not continue to make myself sick and worry that I will have no money to retire.
 
sptung said:
In most states, with a long marriage, all assets, including 401K will be split down the middle. My second husband, the one with his boats and many rental properties, said tongue in cheek that he could ask for spousal support from me, because I was working and he had taken an early retirement. Even when we were both working, I was paying most of the bills as I was making more than him. But he was the one with the big fat investment accounts, houses and boats. His money paid for his toys. After we were divorced, he said to me, geez eating out is so expensive...I simply said to him, yep, I am glad he was realizing how much I was paying for food, vacations and the household. Silly me.
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This is where I am at, I make more then hubby and I pay all of the bills except the house payment, his car, and direct TV. When ever we go out to eat, I always have to pay. He promises the kids stuff and then I have to poney up the money.
 
Take care of yourself. I have never experienced what your going through so no wise words. Take care of yourself #1/10 and take time to heal.

Sugarcubesea said:
I went and spoke to my parents financial planner yesterday and she told me that because he has taken out so many loans on his 401K's thru the years, that I will need to work till I'm 75 if I don't stop the hemorrhaging of monies right away.
Click to expand...
 
My only advice, and what your attorney will tell you is to stop posting on social media. I'd take this conversation off line and talk to folks who have PM'd you and then keep it off of public sites.
 
If cheating is not an issue, see if you work the financials(if that is the only issue?) out and stay together. Your kids will love it and you guys can remain a family
 
Big Matt said:
My only advice, and what your attorney will tell you is to stop posting on social media. I'd take this conversation off line and talk to folks who have PM'd you and then keep it off of public sites.
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Agree.
No FB, Twitter, etc. or here.
 
Remember this is 2016 ,and the gender roles are as defined as they were 40 years ago! Love is paramount and should be the defining issue.

Don't be influenced by your divorced friends(and some posters) who want you to join their life style.

See if this can be worked out so you, your children and your husband can remain a family.
 
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Beaglemom3 said:
Agree.
No FB, Twitter, etc. or here.
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Agree totally. As much as I love TUG I avoid posting personal issues about health, marriage, family, etc. Sometimes I will solicit some financial Q&A.

Always Timeshares, vacation, travel! Yes!

However I am sympathetic to your issue. Keep it brief. So many people post here and they forget that the public can view everything that is written.

:D

Take care.
 
It's a hard decision but sometimes it is what just "feels right" for you now. My ex also never met a job he liked or that was worthy of him.
And for the thought that the children never get over the divorce - our daughter hasn't gotten over the emotional neglect and abuse 20 years after the divorce.
 
I'm in same boat as the poster and feel like I can't solicit advice from friends and/or family so can understand the need for impartial advice from friends here with some anonymity. I have a husband turning 50 who is making my daily life difficult by going through my emails, receipts, mail, browser history (now I delete)- even impersonating me to have my mail forwarded and credit cards cancelled. We live together but haven't spoken in almost 2 months. .I have a young child so it's not easy to just pack up and leave like I want. I really know what you are talking about sugarcube and I hope everything goes smoothly for you so you can begin the next chapter in your life.
 
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Some marriages were broken before the wedding happened. Waiting til the KIDS leave home, or should it be after their grandchildren, leave home ... is not a viable solution. Living in a war zone or with the Berlin Wall running thru the house, is NOT living either.

As a kid, I left home ... cold shoulders, favored other children and being in the middle as a target for both sides and my siblings. I spent most summers (and half the school year weekends) living under other roofs. My siblings (after age 35) commented, that they were glad when I was around, because both parents would focus (attack me) on what i was doing. I went to college 1000 miles from anything and anyone I knew ... working at 6AM most mornings on the college grill, cooking eggs.

You get ONE GO ROUND ... cut bait when you still have a chance to heal and live a better life.

Go for it ... 28 years is longer than most felons serve time in jail ... even the murderers get free earlier than that.
 
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billymach4 said:
Agree totally. As much as I love TUG I avoid posting personal issues about health, marriage, family, etc. Sometimes I will solicit some financial Q&A.

Always Timeshares, vacation, travel! Yes!

However I am sympathetic to your issue. Keep it brief. So many people post here and they forget that the public can view everything that is written.

:D

Take care.
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Generally, I do agree with you. However, I have no qualms about anyone reading about my ex-es. In fact I send some of our mutual friends to TUG to get educated about timeshares. :) I have never told any of our friends what actually caused the divorce, I just don't share personal stuff with friends and families. I am aware he badmouthed me. Money was not the cause of our divorce but what I said about the situation with finances were all true - and it was also something that I had never told any of our friends and families. So if it gets read by friends and families, it will amuse me.

I suspect for the OP, finance is only one piece of the problem with the relationship. We read symptoms of problems with his character and that would extend into their lives and strain their relationship.
 
sptung said:
I suspect for the OP, finance is only one piece of the problem with the relationship. We read symptoms of problems with his character and that would extend into their lives and strain their relationship.
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I certainly hope so. Otherwise she comes across as very cold-hearted. Some people just aren't good employees. They need to either work for themselves, find suitable volunteer work, or not work. In the future we are likely to have so many tasks automated that large portions of the public will not be able to work - they just won't be suitable for it because robots are better at it. And hopefully they wont need to, hopefully we will have a society that values humans for their humanity not for their productivity.
 
Sugarcubesea said:
One is in high school and the other is in college and only home for the summer (working at a job that pays really good money)
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Oh, so maybe they are legally adults, but certainly not expected to be living on their own! Thank you for clearing that up! I am so sorry! It sort of sounded like maybe they were older.

I hope this is not just about employment issues. I do hope that there is more to the story, not that you need to post your reasons or justify your choices.

I know marriage is tough and people disappoint us. Life is tough, too. I will say that you make it sound like he has disappointed you as a breadwinner. That you had expectations about how you would retire. Your career has worked out well and his has not.

I have friends and family who divorced because their husbands did not live up to their original expectations. None of them improved their circumstances and many regretted their decision.
 
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sptung said:
Generally, I do agree with you. However, I have no qualms about anyone reading about my ex-es. In fact I send some of our mutual friends to TUG to get educated about timeshares. :) I have never told any of our friends what actually caused the divorce, I just don't share personal stuff with friends and families. I am aware he badmouthed me. Money was not the cause of our divorce but what I said about the situation with finances were all true - and it was also something that I had never told any of our friends and families. So if it gets read by friends and families, it will amuse me.

I suspect for the OP, finance is only one piece of the problem with the relationship. We read symptoms of problems with his character and that would extend into their lives and strain their relationship.
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This is a true statement, the financial aspect is the straw that broke the camels back, there are many other issues and problems that I don't want to discuss in a public area. thank you so much for your support, I appreciate it.
 
Caution: Two persons cannot live independently as well as they did as a couple, even if only one one had steady income. Significant down-sizing may be required.

Following her divorce, my current wife tried to keep her kids in the house and lifestyle to which they were accustomed. But by the time she met me, she'd run up a CC balance of $30K even after refinancing her house, and despite alimony and child-support. We cleaned all that up years ago, but it would'a been smarter for her to sell the house.
.
 
Talent312 said:
Caution: Two persons cannot live independently as well as they did as a couple, even if only one one had steady income. Significant down-sizing may be required.

Following her divorce, my current wife tried to keep her kids in the house and lifestyle to which they were accustomed. But by the time she met me, she'd run up a CC balance of $30K even after refinancing her house, and despite alimony and child-support. We cleaned all that up years ago, but it would'a been smarter for her to sell the house.
.
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Great advice .. as when selling the marital asset, the costs are split between the ex-spouses (like the real estate sales commission).

At 55, you have few years to keep taking financial hits ... downsize before you age into your Social Security years and being free from work to enjoy life .
 
ottawasquaw said:
I have friends and family who divorced because their husbands did not live up to their original expectations. None of them improved their circumstances and many regretted their decision.
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The decision as to whether or not to pursue divorce is a serious one. Think it through carefully. If you decide to go forward with it, understand exactly what you want to accomplish. There is more to it than just separation and financial issues. You should also think through what you want the future relationships with your ex and kids to be.

George
 
Sugarcubesea said:
This is a true statement, the financial aspect is the straw that broke the camels back, there are many other issues and problems that I don't want to discuss in a public area. thank you so much for your support, I appreciate it.
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For this and many other reasons, you should be careful about what you post on social media- including TUG. You have the usernames of those who support you. You should just contact via email or PM, and ask a kind moderator to delete this entire thread. What you post on the internet lives on forever, for eyes you don't know about to see for years to come.

I wish you well through this difficult time.

Jim
 
Sugarcubesea said:
Dang, I never thought this would be me, but I have taken all I can and its time for me to now have a future and no longer be married to an individual that is unable to hold a job and continually's get fired and after being in debt because of this, its time I started saving for retirement and live my life.
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So sorry this is happening. This is time of life that you should be able to enjoy, but I understand all the stress you must be going thru. We are heading towards full retirement in a few years, I am semi retired, and DH has 3 years left to work. We have been fortunate healthwise and compatibility has never been an issue. I make the travel arrangements and he trusts my choices. We have fun together. I'm not gloating! We have family issues that cause problems but always try to support each other with a united front. I have been in therapy over lifelong issues and he has his quirks too. It is a scary notion to get a divorce. Our son went thru it and it changed him tremendously. He is happier now but still trying to pick up the pieces. I hope you have supportive friends and family to help you thru this.
Silentg
 
Talent312 said:
Caution: Two persons cannot live independently as well as they did as a couple, even if only one one had steady income. Significant down-sizing may be required.

Following her divorce, my current wife tried to keep her kids in the house and lifestyle to which they were accustomed. But by the time she met me, she'd run up a CC balance of $30K even after refinancing her house, and despite alimony and child-support. We cleaned all that up years ago, but it would'a been smarter for her to sell the house.
.
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I was planning on downsizing when the youngest graduates from High School, and that was already in the works. I was planning on getting a 2 bedroom apartment, let the dust settle and decide where I want to purchase a small condo at...I appreciate the input.
 
Sugarcubesea said:
I was planning on downsizing when the youngest graduates from High School, and that was already in the works. I was planning on getting a 2 bedroom apartment, let the dust settle and decide where I want to purchase a small condo at...I appreciate the input.
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Depending on the state, you may have to pay spousal support for life... make sure you check with your attorney, divorce may end up financially worse off...
 
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