Best way to safeguard ourselves from Cliff’s cognitive issues

[callwill]

The debit card has to go. Once compromised the account it is attached to can be drained.

 

[Cornell]

I'm disturbed by the conditions with the driving -- local driving is ok but freeway driving is not? You are either safe to drive or you're not. If you have "not so mild cognitive impairment" you shouldn't be driving at all!

If someone's memory is such that he is making duplicate purchases and can't remember/locate passwords, how can his brain be functioning well enough to drive a car? Sure - his brain may have the muscle memory to go back and forth to places that he regularly knows but imagine if there's a detour etc. Suddenly the routine is gone and the brain doesn't know what to do in that scenario. Confusion sets in and the perfect storm for an accident. Also - I find it incredibly hard to believe that his reaction time is what it should be.

I had to go through the painful process of actually taking my mom's car keys from her and my brother had to take her car so yes, I know how difficult this is.

Have you considered the fact that Cliff could SERIOUSLY hurt or kill someone and then they turn around and sue him for damages? Do you really want to be dealing with that or wiped out financially?

 

[Tia]

A relative always thought he could locate his wife, if needed , who was still driving with memory trouble using On Star, but turns out that is only for official police when he called them once. She had driven to the grocery store in another town. Not an easy thing to deal with or give up, but safety has to be #1. All easier said then done as they say.

A neighbor told a story of her husbands memory trouble being discovered when he'd ordered 3 pumps for their hot tub. Last I knew he was still driving but they moved out of state so lost track.

 

[clifffaith]

You've gotten lots of great responses about the need to eliminate the driving. It seems your finances need tweaking. Are you saying you only have one credit card and you are the authorized user? May I suggest you look into opening a card in your own name so that you are the primary? Every married couple should probably have two cards minimum with each one being the primary on at least one card.

I have my Amazon (been killing me to use the Citicard and not be getting my Amazon points). Only I use the Amazon card, we both have the Citicard. We gave up Amex and Wyndham cards last year.

 

[Rolltydr]

We could never get the keys from my mother when she started showing signs of dementia. She lived alone and had been independent all her life. Fortunately, she had a fender bender in which nothing was hurt but her bumper. She panicked, left the scene and drove straight to the police department. Needless to say, she lost her license and never drove again. It was the best possible outcome but I do not recommend counting on it.

 

[elaine]

I completely agree with Cornell. Local driving is fraught with many obstacles like pedestrians and bicycles and lots of decisions. This is not “grandpa doesn’t feel comfortable on the big roads anymore.” The facts reflect a moderate+ cognitive loss and substantial decline of decision making, which negatively impact driving.

 

[Chrispee]

I went through a similar scenario with my late mother (Alzheimers) and my dad (Parkinsons). I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and in my estimation you're at the beginning of the toughest stage. Balancing a loved one's freedoms with their safety is tricky, and in retrospect I can see that I leaned too far to the freedom side in most ways when it came to my parents. I hope you reflect on the unanimous advice you've gotten here, and start the process of keeping Cliff, and others, safe from driving himself around. By all means try to offload this responsibility to his doctor, but be assertive in advocating for getting his licence revoked.

It also sounds like you're at the stage where you need to have a discussion regarding Power of Attorney. I'm not sure if it's the same in the USA as Canada, but we have an additional POA for healthcare related decisions as well. It's much easier to get this done together when it's framed as planning together for the future, rather than when you desperately need to stop a payment or close an account when something bad goes down.

I know how hard it is to tell someone you love that you care about them but they can't be driving anymore, or that you have to take away their chequebook, or they no longer have a Visa card. You can only hope the discomfort is temporary and you end up with a "new normal" routine that works for them. Best of luck navigating all of this, try to be strong in knowing that you're doing what's best for Cliff.

 

[AnnaS]

You've gotten lots of great responses about the need to eliminate the driving. It seems your finances need tweaking. Are you saying you only have one credit card and you are the authorized user? May I suggest you look into opening a card in your own name so that you are the primary? Every married couple should probably have two cards minimum with each one being the primary on at least one card.

This 100%. We always had two credit cards. Never gave it any thought my DH was primary on both. When he passed, they got shut down immediately. I was fine but I had to re-apply and wait for a card. It was not a too much of a big deal but another hassle to deal with.

 

[artringwald]

I have my Amazon (been killing me to use the Citicard and not be getting my Amazon points). Only I use the Amazon card, we both have the Citicard. We gave up Amex and Wyndham cards last year.

If you have an Amazon Visa, you can get an Amazon Store Card for yourself, cancel the Visa, and still get your 5% rebates. Vise versa if you have a Store card.

I can sympathize with your situation because DW had to go through it when her Dad got Alzheimer's. Now she has dementia symptoms. Fortunately, she made her own decision to stop driving after she got lost a couple of times and panicked. Our insurance carrier said that the rate would go up if we dropped her from the policy. She said the rate would go down if we said her car was in storage (in our garage). It would still be covered if somehow it was damaged.

 

[sue1947]

It also sounds like you're at the stage where you need to have a discussion regarding Power of Attorney. I'm not sure if it's the same in the USA as Canada, but we have an additional POA for healthcare related decisions as well. It's much easier to get this done together when it's framed as planning together for the future, rather than when you desperately need to stop a payment or close an account when something bad goes down.

100%. Both health care decisions and legal. You want this in place BEFORE he has a health issue that requires hospitalization and while he is still somewhat able to make decisions. When my mother had a stroke, I appealed a negative decision by her healthcare provider, but when it came to the final appeal, they wouldn't talk to me because I didn't have that POA. It's easy to let this slip, but take it from somebody a little further along in the process; get it now.

And really; Cliff needs to stop driving before he hits somebody else. His hurt feelings/pride don't come close to the damage he can do to another human. Approach it calmly and factually and hopefully he will agree that safety comes first.

And a big hug for you and make sure you get some pampering. It's a tough job, but you are doing important work.

 

[ScoopKona]

1His hurt feelings/pride don't come close to the damage he can do to another human.

Even looking at this from a strictly "I don't want a wrongful-death lawsuit to ruin our lives," the car keys need to disappear immediately.

If this was my problem, I'd pull spark-plug wires.

 

[b2bailey]

Oh Faith, some of the replies, from first hand experience, must sound scary.
I read every one -- and it seems like many were about experiences with parents.
I'm guessing a spousal relationship is the toughest of all. I would imagine the inner workings of Cliff's mind,
the place where his identity was shaped, is still very alert. So, it's about more than transportation and finances.
Its about who he is.

I think I remember you mentioning he has been the primary driver when you two are together.
Maybe you could start by saying you feel uncomfortable/uneasy when he goes out alone and would prefer to be with him.

I understand that many have expressed safety concerns. What I'm suggesting would be similar to a new teenage driver.
Most of us were involved in teaching kids to drive. As another person wrote, when the time comes that you don't feel safe
riding with him, then it's not safe for him to drive. Only you know whether he has reached that point.

The financial part has been discussed. A new credit card with a $500 limit seems a small price to give him independence.
Maybe a weekly cash allowance? All bank accounts need to be protected. How about a requirement of two signatures for any account with more than $1,000 balance? There is no need to strip him of his dignity over a few dollars.

 

[callwill]

I recall my mother/us going thru this with my father. She was basically trapped at home. If they needed to go somewhere he insisted on driving. She hid car keys and kept the truck locked and in the garage. She found he had damaged locks trying to get in using a screwdriver...
I began to worry that in the end all the stress would kill my mother and leave us with the empty shell of a person who could not even remember our names.

 

[Cornell]

I recall my mother/us going thru this with my father. She was basically trapped at home. If they needed to go somewhere he insisted on driving. She hid car keys and kept the truck locked and in the garage. She found he had damaged locks trying to get in using a screwdriver...
I began to worry that in the end all the stress would kill my mother and leave us with the empty shell of a person who could not even remember our names.

I’ve discussed with my own daughter that if this happens to me I’d like to move to a locale where I can walk to library, grocery etc. If that requires an urban area, so be it.

 

[rapmarks]

Faith needs to update her own power of attorney to remove cliff as her decision maker for health and financial matters.
I did this a few years before my husband died.

 

[pedro47]

Suggestion only a medical directive is also needed.

 

[clifffaith]

We have an appointment in March to update our trust and will discuss anything else we need to do with our new lawyer.

 

[pittle]

Only 10 states have a requirement for a Mental Healthcare Power of Attorney. AZ and Ca are 2 of the 10.

I am mentioning this because when I moved my mother to AZ, I had POA for finances and healthcare. BUT, I did not know that regular Healthcare POA did not include Mental Healtcare.
Mom had the beginning signs of Alzheimer's and I found a great place with her own apartment in an Assisted Living place that did have a Memory Care section. Then about 6 months after she was settled in, when I was on vacation in Mexico, she had a breakdown and they had to send her to a mental facility for assessment. Because I did not have Mental Health Care POA, we had to spend a lot of money for me to get it. We had to hire and attorney for her and one for me and then have her assessed again. I did get the MH POA. Hubs and I immediately updated our trust to we make sure we had everything covered that was required in AZ. My husband passed away in July 2023 and I got my Trust updated in January 2024 so that now my son and daughter-in-law have POA for everything they may need it for.

 

[rapmarks]

Only 10 states have a requirement for a Mental Healthcare Power of Attorney. AZ and Ca are 2 of the 10.

I am mentioning this because when I moved my mother to AZ, I had POA for finances and healthcare. BUT, I did not know that regular Healthcare POA did not include Mental Healtcare.
Mom had the beginning signs of Alzheimer's and I found a great place with her own apartment in an Assisted Living place that did have a Memory Care section. Then about 6 months after she was settled in, when I was on vacation in Mexico, she had a breakdown and they had to send her to a mental facility for assessment. Because I did not have Mental Health Care POA, we had to spend a lot of money for me to get it. We had to hire and attorney for her and one for me and then have her assessed again. I did get the MH POA. Hubs and I immediately updated our trust to we make sure we had everything covered that was required in AZ. My husband passed away in July 2023 and I got my Trust updated in January 2024 so that now my son and daughter-in-law have POA for everything they may need it for.

What bull. your Brain is breaking down, that’s a medical problem!