Bar Mitzvah Etiquette/Customs

[SueDonJ]

We've been invited to our first Bar Mitzvah.

But we have absolutely no idea of the etiquette rules. The invitation says 9:15 in the morning at the Temple followed by Kiddush Luncheon, and then 7:00 that evening at a local country club. We wouldn't expect to go to the morning services but don't know if it's acceptable to attend only the evening celebration?

Judging by the quality invitations, fancy dinner selections and venue, this looks like quite the formal affair. I'm guessing it calls for formal dress like a wedding - is that correct? And what about gifts?? I've heard that gifts are customarily similar to what you'd give a wedding couple - is that correct?

We're definitely accepting but want to make sure we don't insult our friends by doing something wrong. Anything you want to share will help ...

Thanks,

 

[Fern Modena]

I don't live on the East Coast and never have, so I can't offer answers on many of the questions. But...

I'd think that you would want to attend the morning services, because that is when the actual Bar Mitzvah ceremony will be. If you want to go to the banquet/party/whatever to celebrate the fact that the young man has in fact become a man, then it seems only right to go to the ceremony.

As for the dress at the reception, I'd ask the boy's mother or another of his close relatives.

I can't comment on the gift, because customs vary widely.

Enjoy!

 

[thetaxqueen]

In my opinion, the ceremony is more important than the celebration later in the evening. It is all about the child and their accomplishments at reading their Torah portion that morning. However, in today's society, many people do not share my view (I am Jewish by the way) and the party is more important to them.

If you know these people well, you will be able to tell which is more important to them.

That being said, the invitation should have noted if it was a black tie event. You are correct in that whatever you would have worn to an evening wedding would be appropriate here as well.

For a gift, any multiple of $18 (which means chai or life in hebrew) would be appropriate and thoughtful. Many people also give $50 or $75 or $100. It depends on your personal situation. A gift is from the heart so give whatever you feel comfortable with.

Have a good time. You will learn a lot, enjoy it.

 

[SueDonJ]

Of course you're right, the Temple Service is the most important aspect of the day. I thought maybe the folks who aren't Jewish can't participate in Temple Services? But then again, non-Catholics are certainly welcome at our baptism/confirmation/wedding services. Duh for me!

Multiples of 18? That's really interesting and not something I've ever heard before. If the local customary wedding gift is, say $100, would you consider $108 or is that weird?

No mention of black-tie so no tux or gown, but a suit and dress? That's how I'm thinking ...

This will be fun, friends who we haven't seen for a while will be there. And like you both say, it's an opportunity to share a special day and learn new things.

 

[Conan]

I agree you should go to the service - - the bar mitzvah boy has a bunch of prayers to sing solo that he's been practicing for and probably a speech too. Dress as you would for church and you'll be fine - - men should pick up a yarmulke at the door and wear it as a courtesy. If there are also prayer shawls available I'd feel free to not take one of those.

The kiddish after is informal coffee, danish, etc.

The reception that evening is somewhat like a wedding reception except there are likely to be a couple of dozen 12 to 13 year olds acting their age, and the band or DJ may tend to be super loud (if you can discreetly wear earplugs you won't be sorry).

Enjoy!

 

[optimist]

As someone who has been to dozens of Bar/Bat Mitzvahs I offer the following:

Services are what it's all about, as others have said. If you don't go, you won't be sincere when you compliment the parents on how well their son did
Even though it says 9:30 start, if you get there by 10:30 you probably won't miss the torah reading which is what you are there to see (as well as the kid's speech).
Yes, the party afterwards is almost like a wedding and cocktail attire is appropriate.
As far as the gift, custom rules here. In our community, the custom is $50 to $75 per person attending.

Have a good time!

 

[wackymother]

Even though it says 9:30 start, if you get there by 10:30 you probably won't miss the torah reading which is what you are there to see (as well as the kid's speech).

This is true in a Conservative temple, and I suspect this IS a Conservative temple because of the early start time. But in a Reform temple, things move faster and the kid comes on earlier. (At our Reform temple, the kid starts to read about twenty minutes after the service starts.)

To play it safe, look up the temple (or call the temple office) and see whether it's Conservative or Reform. If Conservative, then follow Optimist's guidelines.

 

[geekette]

So it's not considered rude to show up partway into the ceremony?

 

[Zac495]

You should go to both if you possibly can. If you can only attend the evening, you would want to "apologize" (in a sense) as you would "apologize" for not attending the ceremony of a wedding. It's the same - you normally attend both - though the fact that they're at opposite sides of the day makes it someone irritating for sure. I would say you "should" go to the service if you have to make a choice. I would bring a gift to the service even if you can't make the evening.

I would suggest 100 dollars as a gift if you're very close friends or 50 if you're good friends. Yes, very dressy usually, though certainly it's okay to ask as you might for a wedding. You will not be expected to do anything that makes you uncomfortable - as Jews wouldn't be asked to take communion. You should stand or sit when asked to be polite.

You'll have fun!

 

[wackymother]

So it's not considered rude to show up partway into the ceremony?

Well...no, not really. In a Conservative temple, it's almost like there will be one "regular" Saturday-morning service, led by the rabbi, and then it almost starts over again, this time with the child leading the service. It's more or less expected that the regular congregation will attend the first service, then stay for the bar mitzvah part of the service if they know the child or the family.

And it's more or less expected that the guests of the family will arrive for the part of the service led by the child. Of course the guests will come in quietly and settle in without disturbing the people around them. The doors to the sanctuary will be closed when you're not allowed to go in (usually that's when the Torah is out of the Ark) and most temples have ushers who will guide you in at an appropriate part of the services.

If you call the office at the temple well in advance and tell them that you will be attending little Adam Schwartz's bar mitzvah, that you are friends of the family who are not Jewish, then you can ask the temple administrator or secretary what the best time to arrive would be. HTH!

 

[SueDonJ]

TUG is great, you folks are all so helpful. I'll call the temple and ask what's customary for the service and go from there ... We're about a half-hour away from the temple and twenty minutes or so from the country club, so we'd certainly be able to attend both without feeling like it's an inconvenience. Wonder if they would be able to tell me what the customary gifts are in this area, too, or would it be too tacky to ask them??

This got me thinking, though. In my work with brides/bridesmaids, I'm hearing often about a recent trend with wedding ceremonies scheduled hours before the reception. They tell me it's more so that the bridal party can relax and enjoy each others company and also get formal pictures done before the shindig, although there weren't picture problems with the old customary reception immediately following the ceremony.

It seems sort of selfish to me. The guests who have less than two hours travel time and wouldn't normally make the event an overnight trip, might now be forced to get a hotel room if they have no other place to while away the hours in between. And what about a black-tie reception - you wouldn't wear formals to the church so where do you change your clothes? A few brides will contract for a lounge-type place nearby or even a smaller room at the reception site, but the whole setup just adds another expense to the already-high costs of a wedding (whether the bride provides or the guest pays.)

It's understandable for the Bar Mitzvah which is, I'm guessing, scheduled according to Temple Services. And probably guests who would be traveling any distance for this would be close to the family, and able to visit family homes for the interim?

Anyway, thanks for the help, I appreciate it.

 

[wackymother]

Often the reception for a bar mitzvah is scheduled for Saturday evening so that it will be after sundown. That way, the family's observant guests will be able to drive to the party and home. Orthodox and some Conservative Jews do not drive on the sabbath.

 

[pjrose]

Go to everything. You will probably find the service very interesting. For the morning, wear nice clothes that you would wear to your church - a dress or skirt and jacket, or nice pants with a nice top. For the evening, ask, otherwise you might be the only one wearing (or not wearing) a long formal dress
Maybe a google image search will give you some ideas?

I don't really like money presents, though they are common. Perhaps a google search for other ideas? Books or nice pen/pencil sets come to mind, but those are probably really dated.

 

[laurac260]

Of course you're right, the Temple Service is the most important aspect of the day. I thought maybe the folks who aren't Jewish can't participate in Temple Services? But then again, non-Catholics are certainly welcome at our baptism/confirmation/wedding services. Duh for me!

Sue, if you were to walk into any temple (save for Orthodox), during any service, you would be very surprised at how many non Jews there are in the congregation. Many couples that attend services are inter-faith, one spouse is Jewish, the other not. The first time I attended a service, I was sure everyone in the temple could tell I was not Jewish! When you go to the Mitzvah you will find more of the same. And the pomp and circumstance is really not that much different than a Catholic church (I cannot understand Latin, nor Hebrew, it's all greek to me!)

Yes, the service IS the most important part. Atleast that is what the Rabbi will tell you. The child will tell you the party is.

Have fun!

 

[m61376]

Another vote for attending both. The Bar Mitzvah is really the service. As others have posted, if it is a Conservative synagogue then arriving by 10:30 should be fine, although depending upon what portions the young man is doing 10:15 may be more appropriate. You can call the office and ask what time the Torah reading/Haftorah customarily is if you want.

We had several non-Jewish friends who politely came to our daughters' Bat Mitzvah services and no one was uncomfortable. Men should don a skull cap (yamulke) if provided but not a tallis (prayer shawl). If it is an Orthodox synagogue men and women will be seated separately, but if Conservative or Reform (although likely not Reform due to the starting time) seating is mixed.

Evening attire is appropriate for the reception, similar to what you would wear to a wedding at the same venue. As suggested above, skirt/pantsuit/dress and a jacket and tie for men are appropriate for the services.

Gift customs vary widely. In NY I can tell you that the amounts suggested by others here would be very low. Bar Mitzvah gifts tend to be a little less than wedding gifts, if that helps as a guide. I don't know what they are in your area, but if you have any other Jewish friends you should ask for guidance.

BTW- the scheduling of the party for the evening was not meant to inconvenience anyone. Music, cooking and driving on the Sabbath is against Jewish law, and many Jews will not hold a party celebrating a religious event until after sundown. I, too, find the recent trend to schedule a wedding service and then the reception a few hours later to be inconvenient to the guests; I thought it was something I didn't quite understand along religious lines since Jewish weddings are always continuous. Is there a religious reason for the separation?

 

[laurac260]

Another vote for attending both. The Bar Mitzvah is really the service. As others have posted, if it is a Conservative synagogue then arriving by 10:30 should be fine, although depending upon what portions the young man is doing 10:15 may be more appropriate. You can call the office and ask what time the Torah reading/Haftorah customarily is if you want.

We had several non-Jewish friends who politely came to our daughters' Bat Mitzvah services and no one was uncomfortable. Men should don a skull cap (yamulke) if provided but not a tallis (prayer shawl). If it is an Orthodox synagogue men and women will be seated separately, but if Conservative or Reform (although likely not Reform due to the starting time) seating is mixed.

Evening attire is appropriate for the reception, similar to what you would wear to a wedding at the same venue. As suggested above, skirt/pantsuit/dress and a jacket and tie for men are appropriate for the services.

Gift customs vary widely. In NY I can tell you that the amounts suggested by others here would be very low. Bar Mitzvah gifts tend to be a little less than wedding gifts, if that helps as a guide. I don't know what they are in your area, but if you have any other Jewish friends you should ask for guidance.

BTW- the scheduling of the party for the evening was not meant to inconvenience anyone. Music, cooking and driving on the Sabbath is against Jewish law, and many Jews will not hold a party celebrating a religious event until after sundown. I, too, find the recent trend to schedule a wedding service and then the reception a few hours later to be inconvenient to the guests; I thought it was something I didn't quite understand along religious lines since Jewish weddings are always continuous. Is there a religious reason for the separation?

Regarding the yarmuke (or kippot as I have also heard it referred to), we are surprised at the number of men in our reform temple that DO NOT wear one. .

 

[wackymother]

Regarding the yarmuke (or kippot as I have also heard it referred to), we are surprised at the number of men in our reform temple that DO NOT wear one. .

In Reform temples, it's usually not required. Many temples have a box of "visitor" yarmulkes near the entrance to the sanctuary, with a nice little sign explaining what the customs are at that temple.

 

[Kittykatz]

I would definitely ask friends in your area what is the appropriate amount to give. For adult couples I wouldn't think of giving anything less than $150, but that's in my area. Most definitely go to the service. When my kids were going we'd give $56 or $74 depending on how close the friend was. Just so you know we live in the suburbs of NY. Gifts from kid to kid is ok, but I wouldn't as an adult.

Lisa

Most of all go and have fun! I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

 

[pgnewarkboy]

I understand that you are asking for a guide and you can't go wrong by doing what most people do, however,I think the kind of gift depends on your closeness to the family and how you personally feel about gift giving. How well do you know the young man. Treat it like you would a wedding gift.

 

[3kids4me]

Multiples of 18? That's really interesting and not something I've ever heard before. If the local customary wedding gift is, say $100, would you consider $108 or is that weird?

Just to explain a little more, in the Hebrew language, numbers are written as letters, so the Hebrew "A" also happens to also be the number 1. When writing the number 18, you are using the same letters you use to spell the word "Chai" which means "Life" in Hebrew. That's why people give multiples of 18 as gifts. I think a good guideline is to take a typical wedding gift as you suggested and make it a multiple of eight. (And I think it's really appreciated when someone who isn't Jewish goes out of their way to learn this little tradition and gives a "multiple of 18" gift!)

Services are what it's all about, as others have said. If you don't go, you won't be sincere when you compliment the parents on how well their son did
Even though it says 9:30 start, if you get there by 10:30 you probably won't miss the torah reading which is what you are there to see (as well as the kid's speech).

Agreed, although it's possible that the service is in a Reform Temple and they do two every morning (9:30 to 11:00 and 11:15 to 12:45). I've seen this done at large Reform Temples, so as suggested, do call and ask as Wacky suggests below.

This is true in a Conservative temple, and I suspect this IS a Conservative temple because of the early start time. But in a Reform temple, things move faster and the kid comes on earlier. (At our Reform temple, the kid starts to read about twenty minutes after the service starts.)

To play it safe, look up the temple (or call the temple office) and see whether it's Conservative or Reform. If Conservative, then follow Optimist's guidelines.

Well...no, not really. In a Conservative temple, it's almost like there will be one "regular" Saturday-morning service, led by the rabbi, and then it almost starts over again, this time with the child leading the service. It's more or less expected that the regular congregation will attend the first service, then stay for the bar mitzvah part of the service if they know the child or the family.

And it's more or less expected that the guests of the family will arrive for the part of the service led by the child. Of course the guests will come in quietly and settle in without disturbing the people around them. The doors to the sanctuary will be closed when you're not allowed to go in (usually that's when the Torah is out of the Ark) and most temples have ushers who will guide you in at an appropriate part of the services.

If you call the office at the temple well in advance and tell them that you will be attending little Adam Schwartz's bar mitzvah, that you are friends of the family who are not Jewish, then you can ask the temple administrator or secretary what the best time to arrive would be. HTH!

This got me thinking, though. In my work with brides/bridesmaids, I'm hearing often about a recent trend with wedding ceremonies scheduled hours before the reception. They tell me it's more so that the bridal party can relax and enjoy each others company and also get formal pictures done before the shindig, although there weren't picture problems with the old customary reception immediately following the ceremony.

It seems sort of selfish to me. The guests who have less than two hours travel time and wouldn't normally make the event an overnight trip, might now be forced to get a hotel room if they have no other place to while away the hours in between.

They might have a hospitality suite set up in a hotel for people who are far enough to not want to go home, but not far enough to want to stay overnight.

Regarding the yarmuke (or kippot as I have also heard it referred to), we are surprised at the number of men in our reform temple that DO NOT wear one. .

I just wanted to say that the singular is kippah and the plural is kippot...just an FYI in case the OP is at the temple and someone mentions the word kippah ("keep-aah").

I understand that you are asking for a guide and you can't go wrong by doing what most people do, however,I think the kind of gift depends on your closeness to the family and how you personally feel about gift giving. How well do you know the young man. Treat it like you would a wedding gift.

Agreed.

Have fun, and wish the family Mazel Tov!

 

[m61376]

I would definitely ask friends in your area what is the appropriate amount to give. For adult couples I wouldn't think of giving anything less than $150, but that's in my area. Most definitely go to the service. When my kids were going we'd give $56 or $74 depending on how close the friend was. Just so you know we live in the suburbs of NY. Gifts from kid to kid is ok, but I wouldn't as an adult.

Lisa

Most of all go and have fun! I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

We also live in the suburbs of NY and your gift amounts are similar here too, except that if you know the child well giving a gift oftentimes is very appreciated, as long as it is something they would really want (for example, digital cameras, portable basketball hoops, electronics like Wii, PSP, etc.) or jewelry (especially for girls). Close friends may give $300-400; friends anywhere from >=$150. It really is best to ask around in your community because I understand gifts vary widely between areas; from what I've heard, wedding gifts also vary dramatically.

And while I agree that, ultimately, the amount you give should depend upon your relationship and what you are comfortable with financially (as someone else posted), I understand you want to be in the common range, which is area dependent.

If you've never been to one, I am sure you will find going interesting and very enjoyable. It is a joyous occasion and it is nice to share that with friends.

 

[SueDonJ]

Thank you all so much for your help - I'll follow up and let you know just how much fun we have (and if our ears get blown out by the dj )

I do want to say, though, that my comment about it being "selfish" to schedule the reception hours after the ceremony was meant only for the recent trend for weddings that I mentioned, and not AT ALL for this Bar Mitzvah. Of course now that you've explained about Temple Service times and the sabbath rules, it makes perfect sense for this event, but even without your explanation I was thinking that there had to be a valid reason that I simply didn't know.

With weddings, from what my brides/bridesmaids tell me it's simply more about scheduling the party first and hoping that the ceremony falls into place. At least in this area, our churches are closing/consolidating and the time slots available for the ceremonies are more limited than ever before. But two brides in the last six months have told me that they scheduled a morning ceremony and an evening reception on purpose, because "I want outdoor formal pictures taken in the daytime and [the reception venue] looks gorgeous at night. Plus, my friends want a night out!" Eh, I'm not liking this new trend very much.

But then again, the strapless gown fad isn't going away fast enough for me either. Here's a tip, ladies. A halter-style gown flatters every body type and is more comfortable to wear than a strapless - you don't ever see those mannequins hiking up their dresses eighteen times an hour, but you'll be doing it for sure.

 

[m61376]

But then again, the strapless gown fad isn't going away fast enough for me either. Here's a tip, ladies. A halter-style gown flatters every body type and is more comfortable to wear than a strapless - you don't ever see those mannequins hiking up their dresses eighteen times an hour, but you'll be doing it for sure.

Haha- have you ever watched a video of an affair and it seems like all at once half the women are doing the not so subtle dress rescue maneuver?

 

[pjrose]

. . .

But then again, the strapless gown fad isn't going away fast enough for me either. Here's a tip, ladies. A halter-style gown flatters every body type and is more comfortable to wear than a strapless - you don't ever see those mannequins hiking up their dresses eighteen times an hour, but you'll be doing it for sure.

Either that or spilling out of the dress so much that many of the men's eyes will be aimed right down that bodice - how embarrassing.

At DD's recent homecoming dance, many of the girls wore dresses that were waaaaayyyyy too tight and short to fit the high school dress code (think stretch fabric so tight it looked spray painted on, as low-cut as possible at their chests, and as high cut as possible at their bottoms). It was funny watching them struggling to pull the hems down (while not simultaneously pulling the top down too much) in the hope of getting admitted to the dance (many did not get admitted).

 

[Jestjoan]

Good. What is wrong with their parents?