Family thing bugging me

[geekette]

I’ll start out by saying that I don’t much care for my sister. People say that you are your own worst critic, but in my case it is my older sister. Much to this, mostly I’ll be stuck at 4yo to her so I do not enjoy her company.

She texted me that she wants to come visit me this summer. So far I have ignored that text, just sitting with it a while. Thought maybe I could get a bit of group feedback.

I don’t want her here. She will go around with her frowny face of constant disapproval, she will ask me about everything she sees, where did you get that, how much did it cost, how long have you had it …. And there will be plenty of “I could never…” whatever it is I’m doing or how I’m doing it or where I live, how I live….

Oops hit send accidentally …

Before this come see you thing, about a month ago, she says they are all going to London for her daughter’s graduation. Come with us! To me, this is just another non-invite invitation (has happened before). For starters, I’m out based on expired passport, don’t even have RealID (been at least a decade since I’ve flown). The big day is May 2, coming fast.

Next, I can’t afford international travel right now, I just bought this place! And, this is my first warm season here, I have much to do. Anyhow, that bugs me because I was not invited to the undergrad grad party. “We didn’t think you could come”. I adore my niece, I was invited to hs and college grad for both nephews, so wtf?

Anyhow, just some backstory, coming back to her wanting to visit me. I don’t think she wants to visit me, I think she is curious and empty nesting hard enough to wanna come try to mother me.

So, I could overtly say “You aren’t invited. “. I truly have no where for someone to stay with me. There aren’t hotels out here in the middle of nowhere.

I could try a switcheroo, “hey, meet me in Myrtle Beach” so I can halfask fulfill family obligation and not suffer her in my space.

I could wait for her to suddenly spring a date on me and simply be gone. Oh, too bad, that’s when I’m going to visit Fake Friend.

I’m a nice person, sometimes too nice, but I know my sibs would not do well with my telling them what I really think or want. I’m last kid, was always to cave to what others wanted. Would rather not start A Thing so looking for best wiggle out of it.

 

[Luanne]

I have a friend with a sister like this. She usually manages it by ignoring her. Sister will say she wants to come visit, my friend will say "that's nice" and then usually nothing happens.

 

[VacationForever]

I am very familiar with sister sibling thing. I have alot of gratitude for my sister, as she took care of me when I was young and was always looking out for me. We then grew up. It turns out that she is not a pleasant person to be around. She yells at her husband all day long, seriously. She would come visit us with her husband every few years but she will stay at a timeshare and continue yelling at her husband. There was once she yelled at me, and my husband put her back in her place very quickly. I would usually get her a bunch of tickets to shows so that she and her husband will spend most days on their own, and we will join them on some of them.

I like your "Hey, meet me in Myrtle Beach" option. Good luck.

 

[geekette]

I have a friend with a sister like this. She usually manages it by ignoring her. Sister will say she wants to come visit, my friend will say "that's nice" and then usually nothing happens.

This is what I’m hoping. Don’t respond to text, time will go by, she’ll have other plans.

 

[cindyhbt]

is this time share related? Is she asking to come on your vacation?
That being said, If it is about your vacation simply tell her no and suggest you meet up another time and you were really looking forward to time away from family and friends.
However, I've been there. My mother complains about everything! Food, People, Movies, She drags the trips down which is why I avoid asking her to come with. I feel guilty since she is 80 and alone now and we never really had those nice memories to share. You have to remind yourself you were never going to have those memories. My mothers idea of fun is cleaning a vegetable garden, or a family potluck. I'm more the family trip to Disney personality. I want a little adventure, some expensive food that I didn't prepare, and a drink by the pool. Listening to someone bitch about the cost of everything the whole time or go on about it being stupid or so unrealistic is a real downer. She's 80 so I will let her die with the illusion that we enjoyed her company. My sister on the other had used me as a whipping board on a girls trip every time something didn't go her way. We used to be very close. We have not spoken more than a few words to each other in 5 years. She made that trip miserable for me and I did my best to pay her back the second half of the week when I had enough. A lot of people are probably thinking I should work this out with her, but........ She was sucking me dry. I do construction, I was a free carpenter for her while she and her husband sat in front of a computer screen playing games. I gave up all my free time to help her and her family for years. When we stopped talking I had a life again. We still see each other at family gatherings a couple times a year. she and her family run around telling everyone I'm a Narcissist. Because I won't help her anymore. We have a huge family and live in the same small city. That gossip gets back to me. They even say mean things to my own children. Like their not going to tell me about it. I just roll my eyes and move on with my life. There comes a point where you have to choose who will be part of your inner circle. I have a husband and children who are in need of my time and help. I can't be there for everyone. You have to prioritize the life you have created from the life you came from. Its the natural order things. Some people will tell you your wrong. Its none of their business, because its your life not theirs. Be honest with your sister. You may not end on good terms, but your moving in the direction you need your life to go. There will always be holidays and family get togethers. Where you can avoid each other like the plague.

 

[cindyhbt]

I am very familiar with sister sibling thing. I have alot of gratitude for my sister, as she took care of me when I was young and was always looking out for me. We then grew up. It turns out that she is not a pleasant person to be around. She yells at her husband all day long, seriously. She would come visit us with her husband every few years but she will stay at a timeshare and continue yelling at her husband. There was once she yelled at me, and my husband put her back in her place very quickly. I would usually get her a bunch of tickets to shows so that she and her husband will spend most days on their own, and we will join them on some of them.

I like your "Hey, meet me in Myrtle Beach" option. Good luck.

KIM!
just checking.

 

[amycurl]

Have you asked her directly why she wants to come visit? I'm trying really hard not to assume motive until I've actually had a conversation with someone about past/current/future behavior. If she says, "I just want to see you!" than MB it is; if it's "I want to see your new place," tell the truth--that's not possible at the moment. If she says, "I miss you," then you could say like it's too bad she won't see you at the grad party. My guess? She won't actually answer the question at all, and then you are off the hook.

 

[geekette]

I am very familiar with sister sibling thing. I have alot of gratitude for my sister, as she took care of me when I was young and was always looking out for me. We then grew up. It turns out that she is not a pleasant person to be around. She yells at her husband all day long, seriously. She would come visit us with her husband every few years but she will stay at a timeshare and continue yelling at her husband. There was once she yelled at me, and my husband put her back in her place very quickly. I would usually get her a bunch of tickets to shows so that she and her husband will spend most days on their own, and we will join them on some of them.

I like your "Hey, meet me in Myrtle Beach" option. Good luck.

Whoa, the yell at husband all the time, my sis, too. I particularly disliked how she talked smack about him when he wasn’t around. Sis has “naturally loud voice” (cough, bs, cough), even my dog preferred to be outside all the time vs around loud usually angry voice. Glad your husband had your back. My ex was usually shocked speechless and figured it was “my people” to handle. That was fine, neither of us needed him in her crosshairs, I was used to it.

MB might just work, we have family about 3 hours from there that she also wants to visit.

The next challenge will be the sudden notice of “Fakesgiving”, where it’s sprung on me, short notice, that “everyone” is gathering (specific date range a week or so out), come to Houston. That’s a really long drive for me and I haven’t taken her up on other “come see us” invites. Flat don’t want to, but the short notice travel thing generally makes it an easy opt out. Aw, shoot, I have plans (to not drive so far to a destination I’d rather not arrive to…)

 

[JudyH]

We have avoided my husband’s younger sister forever. She is a perennial victim. Takes responsibility for nothing. Very bright and no common sense. We have minimal contact with her, as does her daughter.

 

[geekette]

is this time share related? Is she asking to come on your vacation?
That being said, If it is about your vacation simply tell her no and suggest you meet up another time and you were really looking forward to time away from family and friends.
However, I've been there. My mother complains about everything! Food, People, Movies, She drags the trips down which is why I avoid asking her to come with. I feel guilty since she is 80 and alone now and we never really had those nice memories to share. You have to remind yourself you were never going to have those memories. My mothers idea of fun is cleaning a vegetable garden, or a family potluck. I'm more the family trip to Disney personality. I want a little adventure, some expensive food that I didn't prepare, and a drink by the pool. Listening to someone bitch about the cost of everything the whole time or go on about it being stupid or so unrealistic is a real downer. She's 80 so I will let her die with the illusion that we enjoyed her company. My sister on the other had used me as a whipping board on a girls trip every time something didn't go her way. We used to be very close. We have not spoken more than a few words to each other in 5 years. She made that trip miserable for me and I did my best to pay her back the second half of the week when I had enough. A lot of people are probably thinking I should work this out with her, but........ She was sucking me dry. I do construction, I was a free carpenter for her while she and her husband sat in front of a computer screen playing games. I gave up all my free time to help her and her family for years. When we stopped talking I had a life again. We still see each other at family gatherings a couple times a year. she and her family run around telling everyone I'm a Narcissist. Because I won't help her anymore. We have a huge family and live in the same small city. That gossip gets back to me. They even say mean things to my own children. Like their not going to tell me about it. I just roll my eyes and move on with my life. There comes a point where you have to choose who will be part of your inner circle. I have a husband and children who are in need of my time and help. I can't be there for everyone. You have to prioritize the life you have created from the life you came from. Its the natural order things. Some people will tell you your wrong. Its none of their business, because its your life not theirs. Be honest with your sister. You may not end on good terms, but your moving in the direction you need your life to go. There will always be holidays and family get togethers. Where you can avoid each other like the plague.

Not asking to crash vacation, I go to the beach kinda frequently (not that she’ll ever know that) and I know she’d like Myrtle Beach. I’d even book the nicest one because she simply requires a higher standard than I do and I don’t want her to have anything to complain about. It’s an option to spend time with her and not have her frowny facing my home. It’s really all about I do not want her in my home. This is my sanctuary. Hoping I can toss her a bone, oh boy, get to see geekette And the beach….

Be honest and tell her I don’t want her here? Wooof, that’s a tall order for me. Since Dad died in 98, I’m the peacekeeper. I hadn’t realized what cretins the sibs were before that. Then Moms long decline, these are not sympathetic people. I thoroughly enjoyed this past Christmas, my first one ever all by myself. Glorious. Parents are gone, we live over 1000 miles apart, no family holiday gatherings unless I feel like trekking to Houston (nope, not for many years now).

gees, sounds like you lived “no good deed goes unpunished”. I generally figure that folks going around talking smack about others are instead showing their bad character and everyone hearing the crap knows it. Quite low to involve your kids. Sounds like somewhere along the line, she became a very unhappy person. Not engaging is the best way.

Haven’t spoken to my brother in several years. You know how it is, there’s a story to it, and I will never get an apology and he’s thinking he doesn’t owe one, I’m sure. He reached out once hoping I would help him decide what to do about a stock investment. I did not respond. Maybe if that text had something else to it, even, hey, how are you? Why don’t you speak to me? Something, anything other than “help me with my investment”. Rubbed me wrong. If he wants me in his life, he’ll have to do the work.

I appreciate the support, I have indeed chosen who and where and my sibs don’t make the cut.

 

[geekette]

Have you asked her directly why she wants to come visit? I'm trying really hard not to assume motive until I've actually had a conversation with someone about past/current/future behavior. If she says, "I just want to see you!" than MB it is; if it's "I want to see your new place," tell the truth--that's not possible at the moment. If she says, "I miss you," then you could say like it's too bad she won't see you at the grad party. My guess? She won't actually answer the question at all, and then you are off the hook.

I think she merely wants to see me, critique my hair, my weight, my car, my hobbies…. Her kids don’t live near her now, I am apparently the surrogate. She needs a fix, but I don’t need a tear down. She’s been bugging me to visit her for a few years now but it’s not fitting into my life and I do not want to be on her turf. It’s unpleasant for me. Just rubbed me wrong with the self-invite. “We might come see you this summer…. “. Why? seems like a good response but probably would get smarmy stuff back. It’s been a while, etc. she just might want to see how I’m aging.

Helene happened, “come stay here!” Road is gone, you dope, and I’m helping my neighbors. Wildfires, “come visit me”. No, I’m not driving through smoky forest nor leaving my home when maybe I need to be hosing it down. This is part of the issue, she’s never really heard anything I say. What she wants is what I should do, regardless of how it impacts me.

For London trip, they depart April 30, she tried guilt : kids haven’t seen you in a long time. Well then why didn’t you give me more notice? Probably still wouldn’t fly to London but it could have been possible. Short notice expedited passport, late flight booking, ground transport, hotels, meals out…. Nah, I have a mortgage and grounds that need my gardens put in. I enjoy my nephews and niece, but not sure I would enjoy a group trip with the others. It’s too much for me right now, all of a sudden. I already had plans for my time and money.

The motive is likely pure-ish. I never hear about being missed. Don’t hear about wanting to spend time with me or hear all about …. anything in my life. I think it has nothing to do with me, but is her trying to check a family obligation off the list. Hesitate to write this, but, got a card from my aunt at Christmas. Among other things it said “we sure do enjoy your company” and I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me. Perhaps it would take something like that, just tell me it’s about Me and not her need to pull some mother hen crap or Norman Rockwell “have everyone together” fantasy.

Possibly ignoring the text also gets me to finish line of never hearing about it again. Or, plan B, Beach!

 

[geekette]

We have avoided my husband’s younger sister forever. She is a perennial victim. Takes responsibility for nothing. Very bright and no common sense. We have minimal contact with her, as does her daughter.

Really says something that her daughter also is avoiding. Victim stuff is hard, I had to cut free some energy vampires from my life some years ago. Couldn’t handle the constant drama. Don’t blame ya.

 

[jp10558]

I'm so glad I get along with my sister. I do have some family I never wanted to see again, but my mom I think enjoys getting annoyed by other people and insists on visiting. Amazingly enough the last trip to see 2 of 3 actually went well. I still found it incredibly awkward, but they were actually pleasant. The one who wasn't there was really the worst person though, and again I have no interest in ever talking to them again.

As I've gotten older, I have relaxed a little on the "they need to put in the same effort as I" - everyone has their own personality, their own lives and in some ways I'm the least "busy" as I don't have kids or a super demanding job. I can travel mostly on a whim. So I'll take the time to text, set up calls, and drive down to see people - at least the ones 3 hours away isn't that bad a trip for a weekend. The ones 950 miles away in Orlando OTOH - I'm going to try and combine that with a once a year or every other year trip and encourage them to come up here in the summer(s).

The reason for me is I've lost touch with a lot of people over the years because I don't do Facebook, and I apparently wasn't important enough to them for them to tell me their new phone number, e-mail, mailing address or any way to contact them. I guess we weren't that close TBH. Then again, we also make a point with some friends to try and get together monthly for dinner, and they keep coming so we stay in touch.

I guess I'm rambling, but unlike my mother and a little bit my sister, I'm OK with cutting people off. I'm not spending my sanity to try and help theirs - it's not my job and I'm not good at it. I just remember some of my college days where I really hadn't gotten together with anyone yet as friends and I was pretty lonely - I don't really want to end up all alone again if I can avoid it. So far I still have family, and at least some of us get along, and I have some friends from work and elsewhere I still talk to semi regularly. But it's also sad - I guess I'm at the age where many of my family members who were the generation older than I growing up are dying, and for reasons I never thought to examine 20 years ago or more, we never met or connected with their kids. TBH I was surprised when some of the older generation came by this year when they mentioned even having kids. I didn't know. Which says something... given the amount of times they came by to visit my grandmother, my mom and uncles, their cousins and yet never brought their kids that I remember or mentioned them. Now it wasn't like they were here all the time, but we saw them on average at least every other year. So strange.

 

[easyrider]

I don’t want her here.

So say that tactfully. It's really that easy.

Bill

 

[Shiba]

Just tell her thanks for offer to come visit, but it isn’t a good time for you due recovery from the hurricane and that your not sure when you’ll be able to entertain again.

 

[geekette]

I'm so glad I get along with my sister. I do have some family I never wanted to see again, but my mom I think enjoys getting annoyed by other people and insists on visiting. Amazingly enough the last trip to see 2 of 3 actually went well. I still found it incredibly awkward, but they were actually pleasant. The one who wasn't there was really the worst person though, and again I have no interest in ever talking to them again.

As I've gotten older, I have relaxed a little on the "they need to put in the same effort as I" - everyone has their own personality, their own lives and in some ways I'm the least "busy" as I don't have kids or a super demanding job. I can travel mostly on a whim. So I'll take the time to text, set up calls, and drive down to see people - at least the ones 3 hours away isn't that bad a trip for a weekend. The ones 950 miles away in Orlando OTOH - I'm going to try and combine that with a once a year or every other year trip and encourage them to come up here in the summer(s).

The reason for me is I've lost touch with a lot of people over the years because I don't do Facebook, and I apparently wasn't important enough to them for them to tell me their new phone number, e-mail, mailing address or any way to contact them. I guess we weren't that close TBH. Then again, we also make a point with some friends to try and get together monthly for dinner, and they keep coming so we stay in touch.

I guess I'm rambling, but unlike my mother and a little bit my sister, I'm OK with cutting people off. I'm not spending my sanity to try and help theirs - it's not my job and I'm not good at it. I just remember some of my college days where I really hadn't gotten together with anyone yet as friends and I was pretty lonely - I don't really want to end up all alone again if I can avoid it. So far I still have family, and at least some of us get along, and I have some friends from work and elsewhere I still talk to semi regularly. But it's also sad - I guess I'm at the age where many of my family members who were the generation older than I growing up are dying, and for reasons I never thought to examine 20 years ago or more, we never met or connected with their kids. TBH I was surprised when some of the older generation came by this year when they mentioned even having kids. I didn't know. Which says something... given the amount of times they came by to visit my grandmother, my mom and uncles, their cousins and yet never brought their kids that I remember or mentioned them. Now it wasn't like they were here all the time, but we saw them on average at least every other year. So strange.

Fellow never-Facebooker, I never understood why not using it made me some kind of unworthy outlaw, but, whatever. Did people never contact each other before it? I don’t understand why I want to be in contact with anyone that had no interest before Zuck. I also have no problem cutting contact. I have to look after my mental health.

It’s interesting about the relatives that you didn’t know had kids. My mother used to gripe about how people would brag about their kids, to the point that she would brag about how she didn’t brag. Usually lasted until somehow her first born baby boy came up and then brag rules are dropped!

Mostly, though, it made me think, I don’t know if my one set of “cousins” have kids. Not sure how many decades since I’ve seen them, I remember them from childhood and they were adults. I’m related to the husband (second cousin maybe?) but I don’t remember him without her so I’d guess our age gap is pretty large. Just texted with them recently, never was in contact with them until mom got sick and he was always sending mom cards and gifts and calling her. She did that for a lot of people, she had a lot of aunts, his dad was an uncle of hers, so I was glad he made that effort. So I’d like to make the effort to get to know them. It’s awkward, right, don’t really know them, just on the same family tree.

my friend relationships are stronger than family relationships. My friends actually know me, I have a handful of close friends that are in contact regularly. Since I’ve moved, not involved in many gatherings but I’ve gone up for parties and such the last few years and working on a trip for us next year. I’m rather self-contained, started in kid hood where I was youngest and not of much interest to anyone. I’m trying to be neighborly here, not live in own world so much, not greatly successful at it, but lucky that most here talk more than listen, making it easier for me. I fit well here, I’m not so odd in a neighborhood of unique characters, while my last NC home I was a curiosity. I guess in some parts it’s some kind of scandal to be solo female.

Nothing wrong with choosing “chosen family” ahead of blood relatives. I don’t seem to be concerned about being alone but I reserve the right to change my mind. I had a rough few years and completely changed my life to get over, get past, get on. You could say that I’ve been communing with nature for a few years now and it’s been good for me. I was honestly also kind of fleeing: my brother moved and was around way too much. Just never knew when he would switch from polite to nasty and I didn’t want to be around that. I would start getting anxiety when I knew I’d have to be around him. Mom adored him and would do anything for him, but he was nasty to her from my earliest memories. It served me well to live half a country away from bro and sis most of my life. A lot less disrespect, ridicule and judgement surrounding me.

 

[geekette]

So say that tactfully. It's really that easy.

Bill

Not sure how to say it tactfully, but if I could do that, I am sure that would not be the end of it. My sister wants what she wants. The interrogation would start, in comes the guilt trip, etc. this isn’t someone that cares what I want or would respect my decisions on anything. It would be an invitation to her to chip away at me.

Sounds so easy.

 

[geekette]

Just tell her thanks for offer to come visit, but it isn’t a good time for you due recovery from the hurricane and that your not sure when you’ll be able to entertain again.

Not a good time for me will keep on being true! I have a small place, just me and barely hobby space, unlikely I will ever entertain here, certainly no guest accommodations. Just another reason to push any kind of meet up to the beach.

 

[VacationForever]

My brother's daughter got married in March and I got an invitation in November. The last time that I met her was when she was 7 yo and she is now 28 yo. They were surprised that I agreed to fly 9,000 miles to attend her wedding. I figure it was an excuse to go "home" to visit family and friends. My sister then mentioned that her daughter is also planning to get married end of this year. I told her to either get married during the week that I was back or not get married for another couple of years since I have no plans on flying back twice in a year.

 

[easyrider]

Sounds so easy.

It is. You have plans.

Bill

 

[beejaybee]

I have a friend with a sister like this. She usually manages it by ignoring her. Sister will say she wants to come visit, my friend will say "that's nice" and then usually nothing happens.

One of my favorite old jokes is about going to a "charm school" where one learns to say "That's nice!" instead of bulls--t!

 

[geekette]

One of my favorite old jokes is about going to a "charm school" where one learns to say "That's nice!" instead of bulls--t!

Hmmm, I think I could train myself to do that!

 

[Timeshare Von]

Lots of input here, too much for me to read to catch up on what others have had to offer. So here's my thoughts . . .

I am not much for passive aggressive behavior nor assuming I *KNOW* someone else's motives, so if it were me. I would respond and asked her directly "why now?" I would also share my concerns up front, and if her responses are OK with me, I would make the effort to get together . . . but with some clear expectations and grounds rules if necessary.

I'm the oldest of 3 sisters, and my youngest sister (6 years younger) has been difficult to have a meaningful relationship with. We've literally gone years without speaking. But recently she reached out to me (after more than 2 years) to offer time to get together when I'm passing through New Mexico in about 10 days. I'm guardedly optimistic about getting together (and staying at her ranch for a couple of nights), but I am open to seeing what's on her mind and perhaps beginning the healing. After all life's too short to go to the grave with grudges. But that's me . . . and my story.

I wish you the best and hope you are able to navigate in such a way that is positive and allows you to maintain your own best interests.

 

[geekette]

She’d tell me she wants to see me. Pretty sure empty nest syndrome is kicking in big, as the hard press on me began when the last of her kids moved away. Maybe she just wants to feel needed, but I don’t want her input on my life. I do not need that, her needs are her problem.

I’m not into grudges, either, but also not wanting to put myself in a position to be disrespected. I’m done asking. I make different decisions for myself than she makes for herself, so I’m just chronically wrong. It has always been that way. For example, “I can’t believe that you went against society and didn’t have kids”. I don’t need more shocked speechless moments.

It’s different with my brother, he’s an arrogant smartass and someone is getting ridiculed for sport. I don’t want to play anymore, it’s not fun for me. When I came to find out his true beliefs about women, it kinda sickened me, but I understood why his wife fled and his lifelong contempt for my mother. Kind of understood why he beat me as a kid, too, he’s 5 years older and much bigger. My pain was pleasure for him.

I don’t like these people. They lack sensitivity and sympathy, perhaps I have too much of those, maybe I have normal level. I’m nearly 60, it’s taken me a long time to figure out why I am always so disconcerted around them, and I still might not have it right. They can act nice for a while, but something unpleasant is coming, it always does, and I’m usually the target. Since that “coming to see you” text, it’s just been a knot in my stomach. I cannot have either of them in my home, I feel very certain of that. I can, however, play along for short whiles somewhere else, which is why I came up with beach plan. I can focus on the ocean and let sis’ loud “I can’t believe that you…” float on by. If I visited her in her home, there would be no escape and it’s a long drive to stay only a night or two.

 

[geekette]

This is turning out to be valuable therapy for me, folks, and I thank you all!