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Uninvited for Xmas

turkel

turkel

TUG Member
Joined
May 21, 2006
Messages
1,709
Reaction score
1,085
Location
California
Resorts Owned
Marriott Shadow Ridge
Marriott Grand Chateau
So my 79 yo mother called yesterday. Basically told me due to governors new Oder that having my family at her house would bring her count to 14 so she is only having my sisters family and my nephews GF and baby.

The kicker , she wants me to host my own Christmas and she will come. What? How does that keep the social butterfly my mother safe?

PS We just moved and I am currently combining 3 households into 1, my house is a disaster and my dreams of even decorating for XMas are questionable. I have been working on my kitchen for the last 3 days and I still can’t see the countertop. Filled the large recycle bin the day after it was emptied. I am a little overwhelmed with the mess right now.

My brother’s family is living in NOLA since he his having his house addition completed in Long Beach. My other sister is sheltering in place due to DH heart condition. Feeling out of sorts over mom’s plan.
My true feeling knowing dear mom is she is trying to fill her holiday calendar.
What do you think?
 
My extended family is doing a Hallmark Channel Christmas this year - if they can have Christmas in July, so can we. :)

In your shoes I wouldn't hesitate to say that you're overwhelmed thinking about being ready to host Christmas festivities with everything else on your plate. Maybe you could extend it a few weeks/a month, if it's as safe for you then as it would be within the next few weeks?
 
I'd tell your Mom, "Thanks, but no thanks. Christmas has to be elsewhere this year. But next year I can host the whole family..." and so on and so forth. Then refocus on your own priorities. Offer to celebrate New Year's with her. :shrug:

Dave
 
Only problem with the hard no is my 2 adult children and their SO were also disinvited.

DH and I will be fine but then I am left with not seeing the kids. So I feel like I will have to figure something out. Mom wanting to have multiple plans is the rub and calling it Covid safety bah hum bug!
 
So what about just having your 2 adult kids and their SO's....You need to limit the number of people for covid safety...Right? In Washington They told us to limit it to 5 members from outside the household. Also if the adult children are more socially active, you would not want to expose anyone in a high risk group.
 
turkel said:
Only problem with the hard no is my 2 adult children and their SO were also disinvited.

DH and I will be fine but then I am left with not seeing the kids. So I feel like I will have to figure something out. Mom wanting to have multiple plans is the rub and calling it Covid safety bah hum bug!
Click to expand...
Perhaps it is the other 'attendees' who are wanting to observe the Covid limits at your mom's?
 
turkel said:
So my 79 yo mother called yesterday. Basically told me due to governors new Oder that having my family at her house would bring her count to 14 so she is only having my sisters family and my nephews GF and baby.

The kicker , she wants me to host my own Christmas and she will come. What? How does that keep the social butterfly my mother safe?

PS We just moved and I am currently combining 3 households into 1, my house is a disaster and my dreams of even decorating for XMas are questionable. I have been working on my kitchen for the last 3 days and I still can’t see the countertop. Filled the large recycle bin the day after it was emptied. I am a little overwhelmed with the mess right now.

My brother’s family is living in NOLA since he his having his house addition completed in Long Beach. My other sister is sheltering in place due to DH heart condition. Feeling out of sorts over mom’s plan.
My true feeling knowing dear mom is she is trying to fill her holiday calendar.
What do you think?
Click to expand...
I think it is pushy and presumptuous to decide someone else will host a holiday meal. I think saying No is the best thing possible. Do not go into Why, that will invite her to try to override your issues. Just say no. Not n dgoing to happen. Do not elaborate.

I can't imagine why any senior would want to be involved in 2 crowds. If it helps, use that. Gee, Mom, I can't possibly be the one that exposes you to covid. we are hunkering down, no extra guests.

Stand firm. Family can be a big pain the butt in deciding what you should do to accommodate them. Do not entertain conversation on this. It can only make things worse. hold firm and be done with it so you can avoid extra stress.

Remember, nobody can make you a doormat without your permission.
 
turkel said:
Only problem with the hard no is my 2 adult children and their SO were also disinvited.

DH and I will be fine but then I am left with not seeing the kids. So I feel like I will have to figure something out. Mom wanting to have multiple plans is the rub and calling it Covid safety bah hum bug!
Click to expand...
So, party of 6 for Christmas. Your gathering can zoom her gathering and it's all done in one easy day.

Do not be pushed or guilted into anything you don't want to do. There is no reason why you can't see your kids just because you aren't going to Mom's. Two smaller gatherings makes a lot of sense this year.
 
I’m surprised that anyone is planning to host a holiday party with members outside of who lives in their home. I don’t know anyone who is doing that this year, and your mother is elderly to boot.

I live near my in-laws (3 other separate households), and always host a holiday party or two at my home. We all understand this year, no one is coming over if they don’t live here. Yes, I like getting together, but it’s simply unwise this year.

I would not feel any sort of obligation to my mother if she wanted to have me host something or she wanted to; I simply would say no to either this year. You don’t owe her any explanation; she obviously is not taking this virus seriously.
 
Try zoom meeting that’s what we are doing.
 
amyhwang said:
I’m surprised that anyone is planning to host a holiday party with members outside of who lives in their home. I don’t know anyone who is doing that this year, and your mother is elderly to boot.

I live near my in-laws (3 other separate households), and always host a holiday party or two at my home. We all understand this year, no one is coming over if they don’t live here. Yes, I like getting together, but it’s simply unwise this year.

I would not feel any sort of obligation to my mother if she wanted to have me host something or she wanted to; I simply would say no to either this year. You don’t owe her any explanation; she obviously is not taking this virus seriously.
Click to expand...
Amen
 
turkel said:
Only problem with the hard no is my 2 adult children and their SO were also disinvited.

DH and I will be fine but then I am left with not seeing the kids. So I feel like I will have to figure something out. Mom wanting to have multiple plans is the rub and calling it Covid safety bah hum bug!
Click to expand...
Hey, welcome to the club! Do a phone call like so many people do. Stay home and stay safe! I just don't relish the idea of having to recover from said virus.

My mom has been un-inviting me for holidays and family get togethers for years. Yes, it hurts. Ain't gonna lie, but this CV is the perfect excuse to thumb your nose at the craziness.

My mom is always up for an invite, too. Been there, done that, and I don't owe anybody at this point.

I won't be seeing my offspring either. They are grown and married and usually spend the holidays with their inlaws. Have to say, I was super proud of them when they each stayed home for T-day and cooked with their spouses :)
 
geekette said:
I think it is pushy and presumptuous to decide someone else will host a holiday meal. I think saying No is the best thing possible. Do not go into Why, that will invite her to try to override your issues. Just say no. Not n dgoing to happen. Do not elaborate.

I can't imagine why any senior would want to be involved in 2 crowds. If it helps, use that. Gee, Mom, I can't possibly be the one that exposes you to covid. we are hunkering down, no extra guests.

Stand firm. Family can be a big pain the butt in deciding what you should do to accommodate them. Do not entertain conversation on this. It can only make things worse. hold firm and be done with it so you can avoid extra stress.

Remember, nobody can make you a doormat without your permission.
Click to expand...
Totally agree!! You have a full house and can see her after New Years with just you and yours if you wish. She may be trying to keep all parties happy and trying to keep the peace. During these uncertain and changing times, forfeit this year hell you just moved and not up to entertaining. Have your grown kids and SO and call it a day!! :)
 
Snazzylass said:
Oh, well, then, you haven't met my family. LOL! hahaha

Actually, I completely agree! Spot on!
Click to expand...
Well said... is she your social planner ??? NO..she's your mom and I would just say covid rules . Set boundaries with mom. She knows you well so might be not only playing both sides and trying to keep everyone happy and trying to be fair but telling you what to do. Perhaps she is feeling guilty????
 
DebBrown said:
Well, we won't be seeing any of our children and grandchildren. It's very sad.
Click to expand...
I'm optimistic that there will be future get togethers :) And, thank God for technology! My great-grandmother was sent to this country to find a employment. She never saw her family again. We have so many ways to stay in touch now instantly! Yay!
 
....I don't owe anybody at this point.

Good golly, that was a long hard lesson for me to learn. I am ashamed of how many times I caved due to 'family obligation'. Nobody cares what monkey wrenches they throw into your life, cuz, Family. well, no. Took me a long time to stop sacrificing my sanity, time, and money for their selfish whatnot that carried no respect nor consideration towards me.

This year, I will be the only one of Mom's kids to be outside her window, the only one she literally sees. I don't ever let her spend Christmas alone but circumstances change what that looks like this year. So many wonderful holiday meals that she labored long and hard on, but this year, she can choose her meal and I will find it To Go and deliver it and wait outside her window until it arrives in her room. There is a good chance I will wear some crazy colorful ugly sweater, just to get her smile and sparkling blue eyes. I don't yet know what Christmas carol she will get by phone.

My sis just invited me to Christmas. two solid days of driving, each way. tired lumpy spring poking sleeper sofa while there (I would probably do hotel, but not interested in more $ out). multiple households (sis, +3 kids on their own, one probably bringing SO). Sis is the original Loud Talker, something that is hard for me to take. It has never been so easy to be super sweet in declining a ridiculous invite. I hope they all stay healthy. I won't be risking my health to be there, or anywhere.

While I feel for those of you that will have a hard time with an empty house, it was long ago that I got to start relishing holidays alone. The older I get, the more I understand how easy it is to let go of the past and try something new. If you really must "see their faces when they open ...", do the zoom.
 
geekette said:
....I don't owe anybody at this point.

Good golly, that was a long hard lesson for me to learn. I am ashamed of how many times I caved due to 'family obligation'.
Click to expand...

I was the same. It took me a very long time to learn there was no shame in saying No.

Dave
 
geekette said:
do the zoom.
Click to expand...

Exactly.

My family started scheduling regular zooms in the spring and since then we have had them weekly. Not everyone shows up every week, but that’s okay. I think this has been one of the better outcomes of 2020, as my family has reconnected this year. We now regularly have extended family join us from many states, including a cousin we haven’t seen in a long time who lives in Hawaii, France, Germany, and more. We did this for Thanksgiving and it worked well. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if we continue this even after the current catastrophe is behind us.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 
We will do zooms and face time
 
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