How did you make yourself feel better after losing your parent(s)?

[yumdrey]

I need your help guys.
I have lost my dear daddy 7 weeks ago, and am still struggling myself.
I have three sons and a dear hubby with 17th year of marriage, and when I watch TV with them and if there's any daddy in a roll, I start to cry.
If I go to a place (park, restaurants, or wherever), if anyone came with an old dad or granddad, I start to cry.
My dad was only 76 years old and suffered from cancer for 7-8 months.

When I talk about my dad, to my boys or to my DH, I cannot stop crying.
Is it normal for this case?

I don't know how others could deal with this case.
It is really frustrating...
How can I stop crying and can have only happy memory about him?

 

[csudell]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother in law 12 years ago and it sucks. Definitely not the same as your situation. I can recommend a book that helped my hubby and I "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold Kushner.

 

[DeniseM]

I also lost my mom to cancer. To be quite honest with you, seeing her suffer from cancer was far worse than when she actually passed away. When she was released from her pain, it was a blessing. I know that she is in a better place now, and that give me all the comfort in the world.

That being said, when you care for someone who is battling cancer, and finally loses that battle, you feel like you have been through a war - and it takes time to recover. I think you need to allow yourself to grieve, and get it out, so that eventually you can move on and remember your happy times, but it will take time. Grief is a process and you have to work through it to get past it. If you feel like you are overwhelming your family with your feelings, maybe you could talk to a therapist or a religious counselor.

 

[klynn]

I am sorry for your loss and I think what you are feeling is normal. Eleven years ago I lost my mil and exactly one month later I lost my Dad after a 4 month battle with cancer. He was 71 years young and never sick a day in his life. It was such a shock when we found out he had ternimal cancer. Give yourself time to grieve. It will get better.

 

[glypnirsgirl]

My mother died in 2000 at the age of 63. It is amazing to me that I am only 6 years younger than she was when she died.

The first 6 months, tears were constant with any kind of stimulus. (My mom lived several hours away and the first thing that I learned to do on the internet was to play bridge with her. For 2 years, I couldn't use my computer at home because it reminded me of her).

One of the things that helped me most was to talk to her as if she was still here. I did that for many months.

I spent alot of time in my room crying. I just let myself do it. I figured that one year had been the "normal" time for grieving for generations and that I would give myself that long if I needed. After one year, I would allow myself about 15 minutes a day to grieve and think of her. I would make myself come out of my room after that 15 minutes.

Even when I was crying, it was usually set off by a happy memory that made me feel the loss. I think that it is very normal to cry easily for several months after the loss of a parent.

Give yourself some time. Explain to your children that you miss your dad and it is normal to be grieving for a while. You might reassure them that it is a process and that you will get through it.

I am sorry for your loss.

elaine

 

[vacationhopeful]

Both of my parents passed on after being sick for years. It is called the "long goodbye" when people's minds slowly waste away for a reason. Your Dad's passing was faster; you are still coming to terms with it and will be for many more months. And 7 weeks is not a very long time. A good cry is still a very good for you to release your saddest. I would recommend a hot bath and followed by a good nap. Or a long walk alone, so you can "talk" to him.

Grieving does not mean you can't enjoy life with your family. Your father would want you to have the happiness of your kids and husband. Just think of him watching your lives moving on and smiling.

And things will get better.

 

[loafingcactus]

First of all, I think it is perfectly normal to still be grieving intently after son short a time. Grief comes in waves that spread out: you still may cry in a year, but not even once a month. Right now, once a day or every few days.

When I lost my mother to cancer I was a "road warrior". I was actually in a meeting in New York when she died and in a taxi to the airport when I got the call. I had to keep it together that day and going forward since I was in public all the time (even in hotels, it doesn't seem right to cry very loudly). Every time I saw older women I was very sad that my mother was already dead.

Obviously you need time to focus on it and cry. But what I learned is that you don't have to think about it at the wrong time. You can choose to think about something else.

Also, take the energy associated with your greif and put it into something good. I got obsessed with genealogy while my mom was sick and did a lot of good work on it. You might have something related to your Dad that you can put some energy into right now.

 

[MommaBear]

Dear Yumdrey, It is totally normal to still be crying a lot. When my mother died in an accident at age 62, I totally withdrew from public life for three months and cried a lot. After 25 years, I still have some moments that I still miss her very strongly. My Dad died just 16 months ago after a very brave fight against a 4 year long illness. I was happy for him that he was at peace but sad for the rest of us that his very bright light had been exinguished. I used to call him in the morning on my way to work, so there are still days that I make up mental conversations and "talk" to him as I drive. You will find that as time passes, you cry less and the good memories come more easily. Also, you may find that you almost feel guilty for finding happiness again, but I cannot imagine that your father would want you to be unhappy for long! The first year is tough with all the occasions that you will have to go through without him for the first time.

Best wishes for you and your family at this tough time. I think DeniseM's advice to talk to a counselor is wise. There are also grief groups that can be very helpful. Some days will be better than others.

MommaBear

 

[Rose Pink]

Yumdrey, I concur with what others have said. It may be that you just need more time for the pain to fade. If it doesn't seem to be getting better, there are counselors and support groups. Sometimes a person just needs help getting through the grieving process, and it is a process, not an event.

For me, having lost my father when I was 19 and more recently my father-in-law, I can pick out happy memories and focus on those or I think of how happy they are now compared to the pain they were feeling prior to their deaths. I have a strong belief in an afterlife and that helps me as I picture them happy and whole and reunited with the ones they loved who have passed on before. I picture my FIL playing with his beloved Pomeranian dogs and that brings a smile to my face.

I guess it comes down to this, if I focus on my loss, then I am unhappy. If I focus on their happiness, then I feel relief.

Dumdrey, I wish you peace. Come to TUG often. We appreciate you here.

 

[vacationhopeful]

My youngest sister took my dad's passing a little harder. On his first birthday after passing (about 10 months), she went out and brought his favorite variety of apples, roll out a crust and bake a wonderful pie. Her 3 boys and husband were just drolling over that pie all during dinner. When she told them WHY she had baked it, not one of the 4 of them would touch it.

My sister enjoyed that pie for several days all by herself. And on every one of his birthday's since she continues that pie making tradiation. And it still grosses her 3 boys out but her husband enjoys a piece and mentions a memory or story about her dad.

And whenever she bakes an apple pie, the 3 boys always ask "Is this for Grandpa's birthday?" before agreeing to a piece.

 

[spirits]

I too loved my parents a great deal

My mother has been gone for 12 years and my father 6. I was very fortunate to have lived 1 block from them when my future husband bought his house (he had just signed the papers the day I met him ) My parents were a great help to us, looking after my two boys so I could work part time, helping us with the many jobs that having a house entails. When my husband was laid off and I had to go to work, my father taught my husband how to cook I was watching home movies with my son and his wife just last night. Our wedding, my pregnancy with my son, his first months, Easter dinner with all our family. When ever my parents were in the scenes I would start to tear. I loved them very much and miss them greatly. But I look at the wonderful men my boys have grown to ( with my parents' help), the values I cherish I learned from them and they are within the things that matter greatly in my life.
Thank you for this post.

 

[dmharris]

Linda, that's a great story! It's interesting what tokens we hold onto that remind of us our loved ones.

Yumdrey, don't be hard on yourself. I've found the deeper the love, the deeper the loss. I'm grateful for the pain I feel at any loss because it's a mirrored image of the joy I had on the other end. I don't want a bland, straight-line emotionless life. That may not make sense to some people but pain can be a direct reflection of joy.

You didn't mention if you still have your mom. When my mom passed 2 years ago from cancer, my dad had been gone for 20 years. Though her passing was a blessing and a relief from her suffering, I felt a completely different grief than when my beloved dad died. With the second parent's passing I had a great sense of a huge void. I realized I was an 'orphan'. I looked for books to read about the adult orphan but didn't find any. I deeply needed to talk to others who had experienced this phenomena. So I admire your courage to share your pain with this community. I'll pray for peace for you.

 

[DeniseM]

yumdrey lost her mom a couple of years ago in an auto accident - I'm sure that is compounding her grief.

 

[shagnut]

Yumdry, I lost my mom a little over 2 years ago and thought I was handeling it well as it was a long illness. I did have a harder time that I thought and I contacted hospice. They had a 6 week "grieving" course/get together and it was just what I needed. Most people were there had just lost their parent / spouse but one girl had been several years and was still having a hard time. Maybe you should check into this, either a support group or thru hospice. It helped everyone in one way or another.

It will get better, that I can promise and soon pleasant memories will be replacing the sad ones.

Hugs, shaggy

 

[SueDonJ]

Yumdrey, I'm sorry for your loss. It's very difficult to lose parents no matter their ages or yours.

I was 28 when we lost our mom a month after she was diagnosed with cancer at age 54. Eleven months later we lost our dad, he'd been living with a chronic lung disease for years but we didn't realize how serious his last hospitalization would be.

My oldest sister was 34 at the time, my youngest sister was 20. There are eleven of us and none of us were able to function normally as soon as you seem to want to do. I understand that wanting because grief can be so all-consuming at the most inopportune moments.

Allow yourself those moments as often as you can. Time will ease your pain somewhat, but I couldn't have gotten through the first few years without seeking counseling. Allow yourself that, too, if you feel at all that your grief is overwhelming your life.

Best wishes that you find peace in your grief.

 

[1950bing]

Grief is not the same for everyone. There is no wrong way to process greif.
You will be able to smile through the tears.
For me, it is harder to lose a pet than a family member. All my family loses were expected. With long life pets I always feel alone to make it to happiness.
Sweet memories will heal the spot. Dad has been gone 43 years and I hold special one night when we camped outside in the back yard with our kitty.
So sorry to learn of your loss and take care.

bing

 

[scrapngen]

Dear Yumdrey,

I am so sorry for your loss. I think you just need time. It's so soon as others have said, and grief hits different people different ways. I think taking a little time to go cry in your room is perfectly reasonable, and is kind to your children - not to scare them too much.

I lost my Daddy two years after my brother passed away. He fought cancer for a couple years and was 79. I think the loss of one of his sons, though, contributed to his passing. He and I were extremely close, and I had just had my second daughter 6 months before. To know that he would not be able to be a grandfather that they'd remember was a double whammy for me. Yet I also balanced these wishes of mine with the knowledge that he was ready to go, and had been suffering at the end. None of this changes the fact that I would cry at odd times of the day when something triggered a memory. I still do, and it's been 10 1/2 years. I try to then think of him up there watching over us - actually I often think of him laughing since he now knows the answers to all the questions he ever had! - he was a very inquisitive guy and was always wondering about things and people. It's comforting to know he will be there waiting when it is my time. Meanwhile, I try to share the funny and not so funny stories about him with my girls - and keep his memory alive.

You will be in my prayers as you work through your loss and grief. I agree with the other posters that a few weeks or months is a very short time in the grieving process. Accept that it might take awhile, but also know that it will get better over time. Take care.

 

[MabelP]

Yumdrey,

My sincere condolences. What you are going through is totally normal. I would get up an hour early the first year to walk each day. This would be my crying time.

I lost both my parents five years ago. six months apart. It has taken me all five years to grieve. I can finally say I am functioning normally...I am once again a very happy person with alot of energy. I have so many happy memories which I enjoy each day. Sometimes I laugh and sometimes I cry! Fortunately, I'm in a great marriage of 35 years with two great, grown children. I also had three sisters to travel the grief path with.

It is going to be one of the most difficult times in your life. Try to take very good care of yourself. You have the support of many people.

God Bless,
Mabel

 

[kwilson]

I have a strong belief in an afterlife and that helps me as I picture them happy and whole and reunited with the ones they loved who have passed on before.

Thank you Rose Pink for saying perfectly what I wanted to say but couldn't put into words. I don't think of my Mom and Dad as dead, only in a better place waiting for me to join them. My older sister, on her death bed, said "I am really looking forward to going fishing with Daddy again". Me too!

 

[jackio]

I am very sorry for your loss. It is true that everyone grieves differently. Two of my friends lost their mothers a couple of years ago. After a year, they said to themselves "it's been a year. It is time to get on with my life and stop the crying". Each of them had such a hard time, still very much needing to grieve, that they felt like they were failures.
Grieve at your own pace. Eventually your memories will become bittersweet, and then just sweet. God bless.

 

[Htoo0]

I lost my father at 33 and he was 59. He had such plans for retirement at 62 and never got the chance to even start. It was a tough thing to deal with and it was years before I could get though a day without thinking about him. It did slowly get better though. Guess that's why they say that time heals all wounds. The only advice I can give is to hang in there, live each day knowing you have people who love you and need you. Try to concentrate on the good things. Know that he would what you to continue to enjoy life and be happy. Trust that in your own time things will get better.

 

[Judy]

I cannot stop crying.
Is it normal for this case?

Yes, it's normal, and an important part of the grieving process.

How can I stop crying and can have only happy memory about him?

Right now, you shouldn't even try. Know that it will take at least a year before you can expect to have only happy memories about him.

My dad was only 76 years old and suffered from cancer for 7-8 months......
I don't know how others could deal with this case.

You can begin to comfort yourself by realizing that he is now free of pain. Both of my parents were very sick at the end of their lives. After they died, it helped me to know that they were no longer suffering.

 

[Liz Wolf-Spada]

There is a book for us, "adult orphans", but I no longer have it. Reading it was helpful after my dad died in 2008, 5 years after my mom. I still miss them, but I don't get overwhelmed now. I think where you are now, the pain is so fresh and intense, just let yourself cry. If it continues to a point beyond where you feel comfortable with the grief, I do second the hospice counselor, support group, even medication if needed. But that time isn't now. Now every breath is a reminder of your loss and it hurts. It will get better.
Liz

 

[laurac260]

Yumdrey,

I lost my parents years ago. Yet they are still alive. I cannot tell you how to mourn parents with whom you loved dearly and have passed. I have absolutely nothing to draw from to understand.

I can tell you that you were very fortunate to have ever had parents you love so much, and loved you in return, that you miss them so terribly.

With time the pain will ease. I can tell you that because I mourned the loss of my parents who never really existed. Mourning is mourning, it hurts all the same, and it is a process you have to go thru.

One thing you will always have is the fond memories you shared. Cherish them. Your parents gave you a gift to carry with you that not everyone has to carry with them. From this I know from where I speak. Always remember the happy times. Share them with your children. Allow yourself to remember those times. In the end all we have are our memories anyway.

 

[MULTIZ321]

Yumdrey,

Grieve at your own pace. It's different for everyone.

Accept my condolences for your loss.

Here are some links about Adult Orphans from Google.


Namaste,

Richard