13 year old girls

[BocaBum99]

My perfect daughter (in school, sports, etc) is a monster to me. She brushes me off, is rude, lies, and expects everything in return. I know it's the age - but I am beside myself.

This is a kid who doesn't respond to taking things away - she accepts any punishment and says fine - I hate you.

Yet, when we get along, it's perfect. I get so frustrated and angry that I lose my own cool. Who has a 13 year old girl??

Ellen, interesting. I know that 13 year old. My 13 year old son is turning 14 on Saturday.

He's not in a good mood right now because I suspended him from tennis for bad attitude on the court. Maybe it's time for them to send some texts to each other.

 

[akp]

I feel this too!

pjrose, my daughter sounds like yours. She's only 10, and has been exceedingly difficult since she was about 3. She's willful, negative, difficult, argumentative, defiant, etc. I actively dread the teenage years.

My husband and I work and work on her/with her. Eventually we'll get this job of raising a polite and kind person done, but it won't be soon and it sure as heck isn't easy.

Our other two kids are relatively easy. She's 80% of the work and each of the other two is 10%.

I take comfort in the fact that we're not meant to be perfect as parents. I react too much to her, am too angry and impatient in response, and I'm sure I do lots of things wrong. In the end, I think the only thing that will matter is that we keep loving her and stick with it.

This is a very, very hard job at times. Worth every minute, and more meaningful than anything else I'll ever do, but very hard.

Best of luck.

 

[easyrider]

Teen girls are a pain in the butt especially from 13 - 17. Our teen daughter has grown into a wonderfull person with a masters degree and three daughters of her own. We laugh and grimace about the teen days. I tell her the 3 girls will be her teenage karmic payback.

 

[laurac260]

Fortunately we never had this problem. I attribute it to switching both my Son and Daughter from their Public School to a "Christian School" after 5th grade.

George

That's funny to me. I mean because, growing up my best friend went to a "christian school", while I went to public. Her mother wouldn't dare send her to public school, she didn't want her kids being exposed to that kind of environment, and wasn't terribly fond of me being her best friend because I went to public school.

Guess which one of us got caught making out with a boy in the backyard in 8th grade? I'll give you a hint...it wasn't me!!

 

[ace2000]

That's funny to me. I mean because, growing up my best friend went to a "christian school", while I went to public. Her mother wouldn't dare send her to public school, she didn't want her kids being exposed to that kind of environment, and wasn't terribly fond of me being her best friend because I went to public school.

Guess which one of us got caught making out with a boy in the backyard in 8th grade? I'll give you a hint...it wasn't me!!

I chuckled about that post too. My oldest daughter (25 yrs old now) attended a Christian school also and we were not spared the teen drama years. In hindsight though, attending that private school was great for her, and I'm glad we did it...

 

[rickandcindy23]

I see private/ Christian school in the future for our granddaughter. I hope our daughter and son-in-law make that bold decision, but I won't say anything to them myself.

She is starting school a year early and was tested rigorously by the district: physical tests, reading/writing assessments, and even psychological tests. The psychologist said it was very important for her self esteem to get her in school early. She will not even be 4 1/2 when she starts late this summer. I am concerned.

 

[pjrose]

pjrose, my daughter sounds like yours. She's only 10, and has been exceedingly difficult since she was about 3. She's willful, negative, difficult, argumentative, defiant, etc. I actively dread the teenage years.

. . .

Our other two kids are relatively easy. She's 80% of the work and each of the other two is 10%.

. . . .

PM me if you want. PJ

 

[DeniseM]

My daughter flunked the 8th grade ON PURPOSE because her dad and I had just gotten a divorce and she was angry with us. What better way to get back at your school teacher parents.

Here's the punch line - at 27, she's now a teacher!

This is what her counselor told me: You simply wait them out - no one can stay 13 forever. It's true! In 10 years she will be your best friend. In the meantime, you use tough love, and remind yourself often that this too will pass.

 

[pjrose]

My daughter flunked the 8th grade ON PURPOSE because her dad and I had just gotten a divorce and she was angry with us. What better way to get back at your school teacher parents.

Here's the punch line - at 27, she's now a teacher!

This is what her counselor told me: You simply wait them out - no one can stay 13 forever. It's true! In 10 years she will be your best friend. In the meantime, you use tough love, and remind yourself often that this too will pass.

I know of one - not mine - who got pregnant at 13 ON PURPOSE to get even with her mother.

 

[Zac495]

This is such a difficult age.

I remember being that age. I remember telling my father that he was stupid - and I did it on a regular basis at that age.

Two things that worked for me:

1. Use the phrase, "What's in it for me?" With my son (who was not nearly as bad as I was), I found that the phrase, "What's in it for me?" worked extremely well.

E.g. "Mom, can you get me a glass of water?" "What's in it for me?"
"Can you take me to the mall?" "What's in it for me?"

I expected an answer, but rarely got one. But I would not do whatever he was asking of me unless he could tell me what was in it for me.

Are you extremely accomodating? Do you try to please her? I found that the nicer that I was the worse he would act.

She is learning to manipulate you with bad behavior.

2. After every "I hate you." I would acknowledge what he said, "I understand that you hate me." I would not respond with "I love you," but would tell him when he was not being dramatic. I did not argue with him about it. Did not tell him how I felt. Did not tell him that sometime in the future he wouldn't feel that way any more. Nothing but the acknowledgement.

I absolutely refused to get sucked into the drama. Jordan would get mad and start throwing things. I would just go into my room and shut the door.

Good luck. It is a tough time.

elaine

yeah - I'm really nice. Great advice. THANKS

 

[Zac495]

Ellen, interesting. I know that 13 year old. My 13 year old son is turning 14 on Saturday.

He's not in a good mood right now because I suspended him from tennis for bad attitude on the court. Maybe it's time for them to send some texts to each other.

Boca - Zoe still has a crush on your son. LOL.

 

[Rose Pink]

There was a little girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very very good, but when she was bad she was horrid.

My mother used to say that to me when I was misbehaving. She also said things like "if you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about." And, I still hear that in my head when I feel like complaining about something. It's like a cosmic voice telling me worse things could happen so shut up and start counting my blessings.

 

[Bee]

My daughters are passed that age now, but oh how I remember that age I have to agree with Cindy. When your daughter is being completely unreasonable, stuborn and you want to scream back at her, be cool, say I love you sweety and walk away. Then hours or a day or so later when she's calm, maybe watching tv or eating talk to her about whatever the problem was. You have to catch them during their rational calm moments (there will be some). My youngest now 20 and doing well in college, was horrible (also a great athlete and well behaved in public). I would bring the issue that had her so upset later and she would be perfectly calm and rational, really like it was no big deal. Always amazed me so much emotion one moment and later everything was fine.

She seems to be turning out alright, so don't worry too much.

 

[Zac495]

I'm no fool, and I know it wasn't a magic wand...
But last night when she told me 3 friends are staying over and can I take her to the mall I said, "WHat's in it for me?" She replied,
"I will love you forever and be nice to you from now on."

Then she asked how much money.:hysterical: :hysterical:

But at least I felt appreciated and not beaten down. I went to bed without being angry - love my tuggers!

 

[glypnirsgirl]

Congratulations!

I was always amazed how well it worked. I think that it makes them realize that you are human, too. And it takes them out of their ego-centric existence for at least that moment.

elaine

 

[AwayWeGo]

Parenthood Is Not For Sissies.

I know of one - not mine - who got pregnant at 13 ON PURPOSE to get even with her mother.

We know 1 who told her father, "If you don't let me do what Mom told me not to do, then I'll run away to California & you'll never see me again." (or words to that effect).

Worked every time. Unfortunately.

Lesson to be learned is that to forestall maneuvers like that by manipulative adolescents, both parents have got to stand together unambiguously with no wiggle room. Otherwise the kid will instantly zoom in on any grey areas & immediately spring into major manipulation mode -- not a good situation for adolescent or parents.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

 

[rickandcindy23]

"I will love you forever and be nice to you from now on."

Until next time I get a chance to mow you down where you stand. :rofl:

They always mean it when they say it, but they have short memories.

My aunt, who is really only about 2 1/2 years older than me, says, "It's a good thing God gives us our children as precious babies, because the memories of the sweet times helps us put up with the teenage years."

 

[AwayWeGo]

Question For The Childless.

It's a good thing God gives us our children as precious babies, because the memories of the sweet times helps us put up with the teenage years.

No kids ?

What on earth do you do for aggravation ?

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

 

[rickandcindy23]

No kids ?

What on earth do you do for aggravation ?

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

Hmmm... I don't know what I said that led you to believe that my aunt had no children. She had three boys and has three grandchildren. They are first precious babies, and then they grow up. The memories of the kids as babies help us put up with the teen-age years.

 

[AwayWeGo]

Random Association.

I don't know what I said that led you to believe that my aunt had no children.

Nothing.

For no special reason, that saying by your aunt just happened to bring to mind the observation about kids & aggravation.

So it goes.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

 

[Rose Pink]

And grandchildren are the reward you get for not killing your own children when they were teenagers.

 

[rickandcindy23]

Nothing.

For no special reason, that saying by your aunt just happened to bring to mind the observation about kids & aggravation.

So it goes.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

I thought maybe I wrote something ambiguous. Happens all the time. :rofl:

 

[vacationhopeful]

No kids ?

What on earth do you do for aggravation ?

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

Alan,
My 2 sisters one who has 3 boys and the other 2 girls knew exactly what to do with their kids: SEND them to me.

I got one 18 yo niece who simply was the passive aggressive "Whatever or I don't know" whiny "my life is lousy" child for 1 week. Her mother called about a week after she returned, and asked what did I do to her? She was so happy, positive and confident that they thought the airline return the wrong kid.

Prior to that, my other sister's youngest of 3 boys needed saving. Since then he has been diagnosed with ADHD. At 4 yo, he could out wrestle his Mom, was fast, figured out things 3 steps head, strong willed, was as big in height & weight of a 8 yo and it was midsummer. She left him at my house when he refused to go home. 140 miles from home. She was here for the day for estate business and the boy simply refused to get in the van to go home. It was easier on my sister to just let him stay. 20 minutes later when she called to check on him, he had already picked out his bedroom. An hour later, I figured out his reason - I had offered two hours earlier, her oldest (12 yo) a canvas tool bag with carpenter's tools if he would stay around and work for a week. The 4 yo WANTED that tool bag. He has come back every summer since to work for a week - a breather for mom and him. By the way, he worked hard as a 4 yo - starting with getting up at 6AM.

That is what childless aunts do.

I also have taken all the neices and nephews on TS road trips.

 

[pjrose]

One thing I never did until DD was 18 was drop her off at the mall to prowl with friends. Partly that was because of her cardio-vascular condition, but partly because of all the rude unsupervised groups of teens and tweens at malls and my knowledge of how impressionable she is.
Given that we live in the middle of nowhere and her friends live on the other side of the universe, the opportunity never really came up, but if it had, I wouldn't have.

 

[pjrose]

And grandchildren are the reward you get for not killing your own children when they were teenagers.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.