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What to say to a dying friend?

K

KforKitty

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Sorry to burden you people with my sorrows but I had some good advice some time ago when my friend was treated for breast cancer. Unfortunately despite a dedicated team treating her things have gone from bad to worse, first with metatastic bone tumours and now brain tumours. The cancer is very agressive and her life expectancy is days/weeks. She is 38 year old. She has expressed her wishes that she does not want anyone but her closest friend to see her and I respect that but feel I need to say my goodbyes in some way. I'm sat here thinking what to write but don't know what to say. She's is not a religious person. Any advice?

Thanks for reading

Kitty
 
I would just tell her(not sure if you can see her) or write to her about all the good times you've shared, funny stories, how much she means to you.
 
Kitty,

I am so sorry to hear of your friend's advancing cancer and prognosis. I have lost one very dear friend to breast cancer at the tender age of 31 and another to colon cancer at just 40. It is such a terrible way to go.

In both cases I was able to be with them during their final days in hospice and was able to talk to them before the morphine coma set in. While not easy, I felt blessed to be able to tell them both how much they meant to me and about the wonderful impact on my life they were. We laughed about good times had and celebrated their life! If you're able to convey that message in some way, I'm sure it will mean a lot to her.

I will forever cherish their friendship and being able to let them know how much they meant to me.
 
Kitty,
I'd use a pretty note card...a card with flowers or a sunny garden on the outside and a blank inside. If you don't have any cards like this you can buy them in the stationary section of a store.

I'd write saying that I was thinking of her, and wanted to tell her how much our friendship means to me. And I'd make sure to sign it with Love. If you have trouble with this, and can't think of anything else to say, that's fine. Its coming from the heart, and that's all that matters. If it is only a few words, no problem...just write a little bigger. It'll look pretty that way.

Writing a card like this is difficult, but its so important. I know you can do it, and I'll send you an extra dose of courage.

{{{ HUGS }}}

Fern
 
You may want to consider writing it on a thank you card and also say thank you for her friendship which you will always cherish and remember.
 
Send it with a simple bouquet of fragrant flowers...the fragrance with be more of a constant presence.
 
I lost my best friend last year to cancer, roughly the same age (too young).

We talked about old times, how we were always there for each other, how I'd make sure her husband would be alright, that she should fight as long as she wanted to but when she was too tired and wanted to give up, that was OK.

When the last days were upon us and she refused visits, I sent a stuffed animal and pictures. Of us thru time, of nature, of places she'd been, and simply wrote "you've always been my best friend and I love you". Her family put the stuffed animal by her hand and she would grasp it as the pain came. The little tiger also went in her casket, along with some of the pictures of us.

It's difficult but just write what you feel.

I'm sorry for your coming loss.
 
perhaps an ipod device with some special quiet music that you selected for her. I don't know if that is appropriate but it may help her to relax and sleep.
 
Thank for those kind thoughts. I like the idea of a little tiger as it symbolises exactly the kind of person she is. She's been a fighter all through this but proud and independent at the same time. I sure will miss her, particularly her sense of humour.

Kitty
 
Main thing to avoid is...

Don't make her feel she has to support you in your grief. Try to tell amusing stories or something to make her forget what is currently happening. A friend was going through this and found the least helpful was family members who came in and cried/mourned before she was dead. She said it used up so much of her energy trying to comfort them instead of the other way around. She wanted to feel that life was going on and treasure the time left- not to dwell on her condition and feel miserable. However, everyone may be different so I don't presume to tell you this is how all feel in same situation.
 
The Tiger sounds like a great idea, plus some stories, about you and her - the good old days stuff. I'm sure there is lot's, and it may make her discomfort a little less, you two may even share some laughs. My heart goes out to you, your friend, and your families.
 
Try writing something, and it if doesn't flow well, just put it off until another attempt. You want to say what you remember about her, doing things with her that were fun and/or meaningful and so on. No religion is necessary, just thoughtfulness.

I like the tiger or other objects that say you care even when your aren't in the room. When you ARE in the room, don't try to keep a conversation going, unless she wants it. If she opens her eyes and sees you there and you are ready to jump for water or other comfort, that will mean the most, IMO. Your presence should be comforting, not burdensome.

Hold a hand off and on, too. You will know when it's time to let it go because it will feel heavy and wrong. If she dozes off, pick up your book or tiptoe to the bathroom/whatever. If you will have to leave the room for something, let her know that you will be leaving to do such and so. That will keep her connected to a bit of real life. Of course, don't lay on your problems for her to sort out. She has enough.

If you really are going to be left out as not a close enough friend, be nice about it and volunteer to run errands for the close friend(s) who will be there.

Expect to grow from this.
 
Never underestimate the importance

of simply listening. A priest once told me that the best thing you can say is often nothing. Simply be a sympathetic ear and a support.

Topeka Barb lost two best friends to breast cancer. She has a way of being supportive, it seems natural to her. It wouldn't be, for me.
 
My best friend died of cancer at 35, and we spent a lot of time talking about this issue, as many grappled to say goodbye to her. She appreciated the mail...a card, an acknowledgement of their relationship without being morbid...goodbyes were fine, happy times together, religious connections, funny stories. The cards really didn't need to say much, as some just couldn't do it...just the presence of the card was great. Although many feel differently about it, she did not like the flowers...she said it smelled like a funeral home already! She appreciated people bringing food to her home, as her husband and kids needed to be fed; however, she did not want sweets, she wanted main meals of some kind...she still felt a responsibility for the kids eating well. Gift cards for food were good too, but just a card was the best.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend...if she has children and you know them, at some point they'll be ready to hear stories about their mom that are uniquely from you.
Connie
 
Allow that your time with her is done. Support her family as they suffer their loss. She'll see you and know you loved her.
 
I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. I know that's so hard to go through. :(

I think people have given you some great ideas; I like the idea of sending fragrant flowers - assuming it's ok with the hospital/hospice.

Maybe you could also record a verbal message to her on tape. (Or however you can record your voice these days!) That way, you can just talk freely about good times, relate funny memories, etc. I'd bet it would mean a lot to her to be able to hear your voice like that, and just listen to it whenever she wants. Just an idea....
 
I had breast cancer and for a while thought I was going to die (12 yrs. ago). Every piece of advice given you to do or say to your friend was xlnt. Getting uplifting cards regularly is always welcome to get your mind off the problems.

She is lucky to have such a caring friend!
 
As everyone had given me such thoughtful suggestions I thought I'd tell you what we (me and my girlfriends) have done. Nearly a year ago I organised a day out for Andrea with our group of friends. She was well at the time having come through her mastectomy and chemo. We visited a stately home (Castle Howard in Yorkshire) and went to York afterwards and had tea at Betty's Tearoom. It was a lovely warm summer's day and we had the most perfect day. We had some photos taken from this trip and we have made a montage of these and getting them framed. I want her and us to remember the better times and thought this was a way of expressing that.

Thanks for everyone's support.

Kitty
 
Sounds absolutely wonderful what you and your girlfriends have done. I'm so sorry for what you're all going through, although you have some great memories. Remembering all those special times will surely bring a smile to her face, and hopefully ease your pain some. Hold on to your memories.

Sue
 
A dying friend

I took a redeye flight to spend the day with a friend with pancreas cancer in hospice. He could no longer speak due to a stroke. I laughed about all of the times we shared, told him what an impact he had upon my life and what a special person he was. Since he was a spiritual person, I read some scriptures. Overall just say good things. One thing that he had said when he could speak is that he didn't want any negativity, or sorrow around him. He was full of life. I visited on a Tuesday; and he died on that Saturday. I'm sure your girlfriend would appreciate any kind words about your friendship and the good times you shared
 
It's been an honour to have you as a friend and you will always have a special place in my heart.
Death is a trying thing not just for the one's that a re dying but for there friends,most know what is happenning and would love to hear honesty from others.
 
Sadly my friend passed away in the early hours of this morning. It wasn't an easy passing but at least she's at peace now. RIP Andrea 1968-2007.

Kitty
 
So sorry, Kitty...how lucky Andrea was to have a friend who cared so much about how to say goodbye to her while she was still living...
Connie
 
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